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1: 

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X 


LIBRARY  i 

OF  THE 

University  of  California. 

GIFT  OF 

GEORGE  MOREY  RICHARDSON. 


Received,  August,  i8g8 


%  ^.Accession  No.y^^J^^       Class  No.  '  """^ 


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JOE  MILLER'S  JESTS, 


\^ith:  ooi^ious  additions. 


EDITED    BY 

FEAJ^K    BELLEW. 


COPY  OF  THE  TITLE-PAGE  TO  THE  ORIGINAL  .EDITION". 

Joe  Miller's  Jests  ;  or,  the  Wit's  Vade-Mecum  :  being  a  collection  of  the  most 
brilliant  Jests;  the  Tpolii^jj^ epaitts^;  the  most . elei^'ant  Bon  mots,  and  most 
pleasant  short  Stories  in  the  English  language.  .  First  carefully' collected  in  the  com- 
pany, and  many  of  them  transcribed  from  the  moutli  of  the  Facetious  Oentieman, 
whose  name  they  bear ;  and  now  set  forth  and  published  by  his  lamentable  friend 
and  former  companion,  Elijah  Jenkins,  Esq.  Most  humbly  inscribed  to  those  Choice 
Spirits  of  the  Age,  Captain  Bodens,  Mr.  Alexander  Pope,  Mr.  Professor  Lacy,  Mr. 
Orator  Henley,  and  Job  Baker,  the  Kettle-Drummer.  London  :  Printed  and  sold  by 
T.  Read,  in  Dogwell  Court,  White's  Fryars,  Fleet  Street,     mdccxxxix. 


PUBLl 

*    OFFICE    OF    THE    NORTHERN    MAGAZINE, 
'^^  39   Park   Row,    New- York. 

1865. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1865,  by 

A.   BELLE  W, 

la  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the  Southern 
District  of  New-York. 


7  2.'^  2-i~ 


I 


PEEFAOE 


A  PEW  years  ago,  at  a  dinner  party  in  England,  a  very  good  story 
was  told  by  one  of  the  company,  who  represented  the  hero  of  the 
anecdote  as  a  well-known  nobleman  then  living.  This  story  was  imme- 
diately pronounced  to  be  an  "  old  Joe."  On  this,  a  warm  discussion 
took  place,  when  it  came  out  incidentally,  that  not  one  of  those  present 
had  ever  seen  the  book  so  familiarly  referred  to.  This  discovery 
aroused  the  curiosity  of  one  of  the  party,  who  immediately  resolved  to 
procure  a  copy  of  the  work — a  most  difficult  and  costly  matter.  Hav- 
ing procured  the  book,  he  decided  to  republish  it  for  the  benefit  of  his 
benighted  fellow-countrymen,  and  the  following  volume  is  the  result. 

A  singular  fact  connected  with  this  work  is,  that  every  body  presumes 
that  he  himself,  and  every  other  person,  is  perfectly  familiar  with  its  con- 
tents ;  and  yet,  if  the  reader  will  ask  his  friends,  it  will  appear  that  not  one 
in  a  thousand  ever  set  eyes  on  a  copy ;  indeed,  we  doubt  much  whether 
there  are  a  dozen  persons  in  the  United  States  who  have  ever  seen  the 
work. 

Mr.  Joseph  Miller — or  Joe  Miller,  as  he  is  generally  called,  with  a 
familiarity  that  smacks  of  immortality — whose  name  as  a  wit  is  now 
current  wherever  the  English  language  is  spoken,  was,  when  living,  him- 
self a  jest  for  dulness,  so  that  his  name  appended  to  this  work  is  what 
Mr.  Artemus  Ward  would  call  "  sarkasum."  According  to  report.  Miller, 
who  was  an  excellent  comic  actor,  but  taciturn  and  saturnine,  ''  was  in 
the  habit  of  spending  his  afternoons  at  the  Black  Jack^  a  well-known 
public-house  in  Portsmouth  street,  Clare  Market,  which  at  that  time  was 
frequented  by  the  most  respectable  tradesmen  in  the  neighborhood, 
who,  from  Joe's  imperturbable  gravity,  whenever  any  risible  saying  was 
recounted,  ironically  ascribed  it  to  him.  After  hi.s  death,  having  left 
his  family  unprovided  for,  advantage  was  taken  of  this  badinage.  A 
Mr.  Mottley,  a  well-known  dramatist  of  that  day,  was  employed  to  col- 


IV  PREFACE. 

lect  all  the  stray  jests,  then  current  on  town.  Joe  Miller's  name  was 
prefixed  to  them,  and  from  that  day  to  this,  the  man  who  never  uttered 
a  jest  has  been  the  reputed  author  of  every  jest,  past  and  present,  and 
doui>tless  through  future  ages  will  receive  credit  for  all  the  good  things 
th  t  may  be  said  by  the  grandchildren  of  those  youngsters  who  now 
coUec.  and  our  knees,  and,  in  the  innocence  of  their  hearts,  never 
suspect  (i.iat  which  they  will,  alas  !  discover  in  after  years)  that  we  have 
been  palming  oflf  on  them  "  Old  Joe's,"  as  the  production  of  our  own 
unparalleled  humor.  Fathers  may  well  dread  the  effect  this  book  may 
have  on  the  filial  respect  of  their  sons  a  generation  hence,  when  they 
will  cease  to  be  the  respected  wits  and  become  the  beloved  impostors. 

This  volume  not  only  contains  the  jests  of  Joe  Miller,  but  a  large 
number  of  others,  gathered  from  collections  of  Facetiae  previously  and 
since  published.  But  to  the  hookworm  and  student  of  Jokology,  it 
will  be  sufficient  to  say  that  the  first  one  hundred  and  ninety-eight 
jokes  comprise  the  whole  of  the  genuine  edition. 

When  we  look  at  the  reputation  of  this  Miller,  we  must  needs  be 
deeply  impressed  with  the  capriciousness  of  the  character  of  Fame.  A 
hero  or  a  martyr  dies — she  gives  one  small  toot  and  hangs  up  her  horn. 
But  some  obscure  person  is  hot  with  a  jest,  and  her  trumpet  brays  away 
in  his  honor  for  ages.  Then,  too,  her  mendacity — George  of  England 
is  advertised  as  a  saint,  and  Joe  Miller  as  a  wit.  For  aught  we  can  tell 
to  the  contrary,  our  great-grandchildren  may  honor  the  name  of  Greeley 
as  a  leader  of  fashion.  They  may  speak  of  him  as  Dandy  Horace  or 
Beau  Greeley — tailors  may  adorn  their  magazines  of  fashion  with  his 
portrait.  Miles  O'Reilly  may  be  canonized,  and  Artemus  Ward  handed 
down  to  posterity  as  a  general  officer  in  the  confederate  army. 


JOE  MILLER'S  JESTS. 


1.  The  Duke  of  Atholl,  who  says  more  good  things 
than  anybody,  being  behind  the  scenes  the  first  niglit 
of  the  Beggars'  Opera,  and  meeting  Gibber  there,  Well, 
Colley,  said  he,  how  do  you  like  the  Beggars'  Opera? 
Why  it  makes  one  laugh,  my  lord,  answered  he,  on  the 
stage ;  but  how  will  it  do  in  print  ?  O  !  very  well,  I'll 
answer  for  it,  said  the  duke,  if  you  don't  write  a  preface 
to  it.     [%*  See  Gibber's  preface  to  Provoked  Husband.] 

2.  There  being  a  great  disturbance  one  night  at 
Drury  Lane  play-house,  Mr.  Wilks,  coming  upon  the 
stage  to  say  something  to  pacify  the  audience,  had  an 
orange  thrown  full  at  him,  which  he  having  taken  up, 
making  a  low  bow.  This  is  no  civil  orange,  I  think, 
said  he. 

3.  Joe  Miller  sitting  one  day  in  the  window  at  the 
Sun  TaA^ern  in  Glare  Street,  a  fishwoman  and  her  maid 
passing  by,  the  woman  cried,  "  Buy  my  souls,  buy  my 
maids."  Ah !  you  wicked  old  creature,  said  honest 
Joe,  what  are  you  not  content  to  sell  your  own  soul, 
but  you  must  sell  your  maid's  too  ? 

4.  A  poor  man  who  had  a  termagant  wife,  after  a  long 
dispute,  in  which  she  was  resolved  to  have  the  last  word, 
told  her.  If  she  spoke  one  more  crooked  word,  he'd  beat 
her  brains  out.  Why  then,  ram's-horns,  you  rogue,  said 
she,  if  I  die  for  it. 

5.  A  hackney-coachman,  who  was  just  set  up,  had 
heard  that  the  lawyers  used  to  club  their  threepence 


a-piece,  four  of  thera,  to  go  to  Westminster ;  and  being 
called  by  a  lawyer  at  Temple  Bar,  who,  with  two  others 
in  their  gowns,  got  into  his  coach,  he  was  bid  to  drive 
to  Westminster  Hall ;  but  the  coachman  still  holding 
his  door  open,  as  if  he  waited  for  more  company,  one  of 
the  gentlemen  asked  him,  why  he  did  not  shut  the  door, 
and  go  on  ?  The  fellow,  scratching  his  head,  cried, 
You  know,  master,  my  fare's  a  shilling ;  I  can't  go  for 
ninepence. 

6.  Two  free-thinking  authors  proposed  to  a  bookseller, 
that  was  a  little  decayed  in  the  world,  That  if  he  would 
print  their  works,  they  would  set  him  up  ;  and,  indeed, 
they  were  as  good  as  their  word,  for  in  six  weeks  time 
he  was  in  the  pillory. 

7.  A  gentleman  was  saying  one  day  at  the  Tilt  Yard 
Coffee-house,  Avhen  it  rained  exceedingly  hard,  that  it 
23ut  him  in  mind  of  the  general  deluge.  Zoons,  sir,  said 
an  old  campaigner,  who  stood  by,  wdio's  that  ?  I  have 
heard  of  all  the  generals  in  Europe  but  him. 

8.  A  certain  poet  and  player,  remarkable  for  his  im- 
pudence and  cowardice,  happening  many  years  ago  to 
have  a  quarrel  with  Mr.  Powel,  another  player,  received 
from  him  a  smart  box  on  the  ear  ;  a  few  days  after,  the 
poetical  player  having  lost  his  snuff-box,  and  making 
strict  inquiry  if  anybody  had  seen  his  box.  What,  said 
another  of  the  buskined  wits,  that  which  George  Powel 
gave  you  the  other  night  ? 

9.  Gun  Jones,  who  had  made  his  fortune  himself,  from 
a  mean  beginning,  happening  to  have  some  words  with 
a  person  who  had  known  him  some  time,  was  asked  by 
the  other,  how  he  could  have  the  impudence  to  give 
himself  so  many  airs,  w^hen  he  knew  very  well,  that  he 
remembered  him  seven  years  before  with  hardly  a  rag 
to  his  back.  You  lie,  sirrah,  replied  Jones,  seven  years 
ago  I  had  nothing  but  rags  to  my  back. 

10.  Lord  R —  having  lost  fifty  pistoles  one  night  at 
the  gaming-table  in  Dublin,  some  friends  condoling  with 
him  upon  his  ill  luck :  Faith,  said  he,  I  am  very  well 


pleased  at  what  I  have  done  ;  for  I  have  bit  them,  there 
is  not  one  pistole  that  don't  want  six-pence  of  weight. 

11.  A  gentleman  saying  something  in  praise  of  Mrs. 
C — m,  who  is,  without  dispute,  a  good  player,  though 
exceeding  saucy  and  exceeding  ugly ;  another  said,  her 
face  always  put  him  in  mind  of  Mary-bone  Park ;  being 
desired  to  explain  himself,  he  said.  It  was  vastly  rude, 
and  had  not  one  bit  of  j^ale  about  it. 

12.  'A  pragmatical  young  fellow,  sitting  at  table  over 
against  the  learned  John  Scott,  asked  him.  What  dif- 
ference there  Avas  between  Scott  and  Sot?  Just  the 
breadth  of  the  table,  answered  the  other. 

13.  Another  poet  asked  Nat  Lee,  if  it  was  not  easy 
to  write  like  a  madman,  as  he  did?  ISTo,  answered 
Nat ;  but  it  is  easy  to  write  like  a  fool,  as  you  do. 

14.  Colley,  who,  notwithstanding  his  odes,  has  now 
and  then  said  a  good  thing,  being  told  one  night  by 
the  late  Duke  of  Wharton,  that  he  expected  to  see  him 
hanged  or  beggared  very  soon :  If  I  had  your  grace's 
politics  and  morals,  said  the  laureat,  you  might  expect 
both. 

15.  Sir  Thomas  More  for  a  long  time  had  only  daugh- 
ters, his  wife  earnestly  praying  that  they  might  have  a 
boy ;  at  last  they  had  a  l3oy,  who,  when  he  came  to 
man's  estate,  proved  but  simple :  Thou  prayedst  so  long 
for  a  boy,  said  Sir  Thomas  to  his  wife,  that  at  last  thou 
hast  got  one  who  will  be  a  boy  as  long  as  he  lives. 

16.  The  same  gentleman,  when  Lord  Chancellor,  being 
pressed  by  the  counsel  of  the  party,  for  a  longer  uay  to 
perform  a  decree,  said.  Take  St.  Barnaby's  Day,  the 
longest  in  the  year,  which  happened  to  be  next  week. 

17.  This  famous  Chancellor,  who  preserved  his  hu- 
mour and  wit  to  the  last  moment,  when  he  came  to  be 
executed  on  Tower  Hill,  the  headsman  demanded  his 
upper  garment  as  his  fee ;  Ah !  friend,  said  he,  taking 
off  his  cap,  that,  I  think,  is  my  upper  garment. 

18.  When  Rabelais,  the  greatest  droll  in  France,  lay 


4  JOE  miller's  jests. 

on  his  death-bed,  he  could  not  help  jesting  at  the  very- 
last  moment ;  for,  having  received  the  extreme  unction, 
a  friend  coming  to  see  him,  said,  he  hoped  he  was  pre- 
pared for  the  next  world :  Yes,  yes,  replied  Rabelais,  I 
am  ready  for  my  journey  now;  they  have  just  greased 
my  boots. 

19.  Henry  the  Fourth  of  France,  reading  an  ostenta- 
tious inscription  on  the  monument  of  a  Spanish  officer, 
"  Here  lies  the  body  of  Don  &c.  &c.,  who  never  knew 
what  fear  was."  Then,  said  the  king,  he  never  snuffed 
a  candle  with  his  fingers. 

20.  A  certain  member  of  the  French  Academy,  Aviio 
was  no  great  friend  to  the  Abbot  Furetiere,  one  day 
took  the  seat  that  was  commonly  used  by  the  abbot, 
and  soon  after  having  occasion  to  speak,  and  Furetiere 
being  by  that  time  come  in :  Here  is  a  place,  said  he, 
gentlemen,  from  whence  I  am  likely  to  utter  a  thousand 
impertinencies.  Go  on,  answered  Furetiere,  there's  one 
already. 

21.  When  Sir  Richard  Steele  Avas  fitting  up  his  great 
room  in  York  Buildings,  for  public  orations,  he  hap- 
pened at  one  time  to  be  pretty  much  behind-hand  with 
his  workmen,  and  coming  one  day  among  them,  to  see 
how  they  went  forward,  ordered  one  of  them  to  get 
into  the  rostrum,  and  make  a  si^eech,  that  he  might  ob- 
serve how  it  could  be  heard ;  the  fellow  mounting,  and 
scratching  his  pate,  told  him,  he  knew  not  what  to  say, 
for  in  truth  he  was  no  orator.  Oh  !  said  the  knight,  no 
matter  for  that,  speak  anything  that  comes  uppermost. 
Why  here.  Sir  Richard,  says  the  fellow,  we  have  been 
working  for  you  these  six  weeks,  and  cannot  get  one 
penny  of  money :  pray,  sir,  when  do  you  design  to  pay 
us  ? — Very  well,  very  well,  said  Sir  Richard,  pray  come 
down,  I  have  heard  enough  ;  I  cannot  but  own  you 
speak  very  distinctly,  though  I  don't  admire  your  sub- 
ject. 

22.  A  country  clergyman,  meeting  a  neighbour,  wdio 
never  came  to  church,  although  an  old  fellow  of  above 
sixty,  he  gave  him  some  reproof  on  that  account,  and  asked 


JOE   MILLER  S   JESTS.  5 

liim  if  lie  never  read  at  home  ?  No,  replied  the  clown, 
I  can't  read.  I  dare  say,  said  the  parson,  yon  don't 
know  who  made  yon.  Not  I,  in  trotli,  said  the  conn- 
tryman,  A  little  boy  coming  by  at  the  same  time,  Who 
made  you,  child  ?  said  the  parson.  God,  sir,  answered 
the  boy.  Why,  look  yon  there,  quoth  the  honest  cler- 
gyman, are  not  yon  ashamed  to  hear  a  child  of  five  or 
six  years  old  tell  me  who  made  him,  when  you,  that  are 
so  old  a  man,  cannot  ?  Ah  !  said  the  countryman,  it  is 
no  wonder  that  he  should  remember ;  he  was  made  but 
t'other  day,  it  is  a  great  while,  master,  sin'  I  was  made. 

23.  A  certain  reverend  clergyman  in  the  country  was 
complaining  to  another,  that  it  was  a  great  fatigue  to 
preach  twice  a  day.  Oh!  said  the  other,  I  preach 
twice  every  Sunday,  and  make  nothing  of  it. 

24.  One  of  the  aforesaid  gentlemen,  as  was  his  cus- 
tom, preaching  most  exceedingly  dull  to  a  congregation 
not  used  to  him,  many  of  them  slunk  out  of  the  church, 
one  after  another,  before  the  sermon  was  near  ended. 
Truly,  said  a  gentleman  present,  this  learned  doctor  has 
made  a  very  moving  discourse. 

25.  Sir  William  Davenant  the  poet  had  no  nose,  who 
going  along  the  Mews  one  day,  a  beggar-woman  fol- 
lowed him,  crying.  Ah!  God  preserve  your  eye-sight, 
sir;  the  Lord  preserve  your  eye-sight.  Why,  good 
woman,  said  he,  dO  yon  pray  so  much  for  my  eye- 
sight ?  Ah !  dear  sir,  answered  the  woman,  if  it  should 
please  God  that  you  grow  dim-sighted,  you  have  no 
place  to  hang  your  spectacles  on. 

26.  A  Welchman,  bragging  of  his  family,  said,  His 
father's  effigy  was  set  up  in  Westminster  Abbey  ;  being 
asked  whereabouts,  he  said.  In  the  same  monument  with 
Squire  Thynne's  ;  for  he  was  his  coachman. 

27.  A  person  was  saying,  not  at  all  to  the  purpose, 
that  Samson  Avas  a  very  strong  man.  Ay,  said  another, 
but  you  are  much  stronger,  for  you  make  nothing  of 
lugging  him  in  by  the  head  and  shoulders. 

28.  My  Lord  Strangford,  who  stammered  very  much, 


6  JOE   MILLER  S    JESTS. 

was  telling  a  certain  bishop  that  sat  at  his  table,  that 
Balaam's  ass  spoke  because  he  was  pri — est —  Priest- 
rid,  sir,  (said  a  valet-de-chambre,  who  stood  behind  the 
chair,)  ray  lord  would  say.  Ko,  friend,  rej^lied  the 
bishop,  Balaam  could  not  speak  himself,  and  so  his  ass 
spoke  for  him. 

29.  The  same  noble  lord  asked  a  clergyman  once,  at 
the  bottom  of  his  table,  why  the  goose,  if  there  was  one, 
was  always  placed  next  to  the  parson  ?  Really,  said  he, 
I  can  give  no  reason  for  it ;  but  your  question  is  so  odd, 
I  shall  never  see  a  goose,  for  the  future,  without  thinking 
of  your  lordship. 

30.  A  gentleman  was  asking  another  how  that  poor 
devil  S — ge  could  live,  now  my  Lord  T — 1  had  turned 
him  off.  Upon  his  wits,  said  the  other.  That  is  living 
upon  a  slender  stock  indeed,  replied  the  first. 

31.  A  country  parson  having  divided  his  text  under 
two  and  twenty  heads,  one  of  the  congregation  went 
out  of  the  church  in  a  great  hurry,  and  being  met  by  a 
friend,  he  asked  him,  wliither  he  was  going  ?  Home  for 
my  night-cap,  answered  the  first,  for  I  find  we  are  to 
stay  here  all  night. 

32.  A  very  modest  young  gentleman,  of  the  county  of 
Tipperary,  having  attempted  many  ways  in  vain  to  ac- 
quire the  affections  of  a  lady  of  great  fortune,  at  last 
was  resolved  to  try  what  could  be  done  by  the  help  of 
music,  and  therefore  entertained  her  with  a  serenade 
under  her  windows  at  midnight ;  but  she  ordered  her 
servant  to  drive  him  hence,  by  throwing  stones  at  him. 
Your  music,  my  friend,  said  one  of  his  companions,  is  as 
powerful  as  that  of  Orpheus,  for  it  draws  the  very  stones 
about  you. 

33.  A  certain  senator,  who,  it  maybe,  is  not  esteemed 
the  wisest  man  in  the  house,  has  a  frequent  custom  of 
shaking  his  head  when  another  speaks ;  Avhich,  giving 
offence  to  a  particular  person,  he  complained  of  the 
affront ;  but  one  who  had  been  long  acquainted  Avith 
him,  assured  the  house.  It  was  only  an  ill  habit  he  had 


JOE  miller's  jests.  7 

got,  for  though  he  would  oftentimes  shake  his  head,  there 
was  nothing  in  it. 

34.  A  gentleman  having  lent  a  guinea  for  two  or  three 
days  to  a  person  whose  promises  he  had  not  much  faith 
in,  was  very  much  surprised  to  find,  that  he  punctually 
kept  his  word  with  him ;  the  same  gentleman  being 
some  time  after  desirous  of  borrowing  the  like  sum,  No, 
said  the  other,  you  have  deceived  me  once,  and  I  am  re- 
solved you  shan't  do  it  a  second  time. 

35.  My  Lord  Chief  Justice  Holt  had  sent,  by  his  war- 
rant, one  of  the  French  propliets,  a  foolish  sect,  that 
started  up  in  his  time,  to  prison  ;  upon  which,  Mr.  Lacy, 
one  of  their  followers,  came  one  day  to  my  lord's  house, 
and  desired  to  speak  with  him ;  the  servants  told  him, 
he  was  not  well,  and  saw  no  company  that  day :  But 
tell  him,  said  Lacy,  I  must  see  him ;  for  I  come  to  him 
from  the  Lord ;  which  being  told  the  Chief  Justice,  he 
ordered  him  to  come  in,  and  asked  him  his  business  :  I 
come,  said  he,  from  the  Lord,  who  has  sent  me  to  thee, 
and  would  have  thee  grant  a  nolle  prosequi  for  John  At- 
kins, whom  thou  hast  cast  into  prison.  Thou  art  a  false 
projDhet,  answered  my  lord,  and  a  lying  knave  ;  for  if 
the  Lord  had  sent  thee,  it  would  have  been  to  the  Attor- 
ney General ;  he  knows  it  is  not  in  my  power  to  grant  a 
nolle  2')rosequi. 

36.  Tom  B — rn — t  happening  to  be  at  dinner  at  my 
Lord  Mayor's,  in  the  latter  part  of  Queen  Anne's  reign, 
after  two  or  three  healths,  the  ministry  was  toasted ;  but 
when  it  came  to  Tom's  turn  to  drink,  he  diverted  it  for 
some  time  by  telling  a  story  to  the  person  who  sat  next 
him  ;  the  chief  magistrate  of  the  city,  not  seeing  his 
toast  go  round,  called  out,  Gentlemen,  where  sticks  the 
ministry  ?  At  nothing,  said  Tom,  and  so  drank  off  his 
glass. 

37.  My  Lord  Craven,  in  King  James  the  First's  reign, 
was  very  desirous  to  see  Ben  Jonson,  which  being  told 
to  Ben,  he  vv^ent  to  my  lord's  house  ;  but  being  in  a  very 
tattered  condition,  as  poets  sometimes  are,  the  porter 
refused  him    admittance,   with   some   saucy   language, 


8  JOE   MILLER  S    JESTS. 

which  the  other  did  not  fail  to  return.  My  lord,  hap- 
pening to  come  out  while  tliey  were  wrangling,  asked 
the  occasion  of  it  ?  Ben,  who  stood  in  need  of  nobody 
to  speak  for  him,  said,  he  understood  liis  lordship  desired 
to  see  him.  You,  friend  ?  said  my  lord,  who  are  you  ? 
Ben  Jonson,  replied  the  other.  Xo,  no,  quoth  my  lord, 
you  cannot  be  Ben  Jonson,  who  wrote  the  Silent  AYoman  ; 
you  look  as  if  you  could  not  say  Bo  to  a  goose.  Bo, 
cried  Ben.  Very  well,  said  my  lord,  who  Avas  better 
pleased  at  the  joke  than  offended  at  the  affront,  I  am 
now  convinced,  by  your  wit,  you  are  Ben  Jonson. 

38.  A  certain  fop  was  boasting  in  company  that  he 
had  every  sense  in  perfection.  There  is  one  you  are 
quite  without,  said  one  who  was  by,  and  that  is  common 
sense. 

39.  An  Irish  lawyer  of  the  Temple  having  occasion  to 
go  to  dinner,  left  these  directions  written,  and  put  in  the 
key-hole  of  his  chamber  door  :  I  am  gone  to  the  Ele- 
phant and  Castle,  where  you  shall  hnd  me  ;  and  if  you 
can't  read  this  note,  carry  it  down  to  the  stationer's,  and 
he  will  read  it  for  you. 

40.  Old  Dennis,  who  had  been  tlie  author  of  many 
plays,  going  by  a  brandy-shop  in  St.  Paul's  Church  Yard, 
the  man  who  kept  it  came  out  to  him,  and  desired  him 
to  drink  a  dram.  For  what  reason  ?  said  he.  Because 
you  are  a  dramatic  poet,  answered  the  other.  TVell,  sir, 
said  the  old  gentleman,  thou  art  an  out-of-the-way  fellow, 
and  I  will  drink  a  dram  with  thee :  but  when  he  had  so 
done,  he  asked  him  to  pay  for  it :  'Sdeath,  Sir,  said  the 
bard,  did  you  not  ask  me  to  drink  a  dram,  because  I 
was  a  dramatic  poet  ?  Yes,  sir,  replied  the  fellow,  but 
I  did  not  think  you  had  been  a  dram-o'tick  poet. 

41.  Daniel  Purcell,  the  famous  punster,  and  a  friend  of 
his,  having  a  desire  to  drink  a  glass  of  wine  together, 
upon  the  30th  of  January,  they  went  to  the  Salutation 
Tavern  upon  Holborn  Hill,  and  finding  the  door  shut, 
they  knocked  at  it,  but  it  was  not  opened  to  them,  only 
one  of  the  drawers  looked  through  a  little  wicket,  and 
asked  what  they  would  please  to  have  ?     Why,   open 


9 

your  door,  said  Daniel,  and  draw  us  a  pint  of  wine  :  the 
drawer  said,  his  master  v/ould  not  allow  of  it  that  day, 
for  it  was  a  fast.  Hang  your  master,  replied  he,  for  a 
precise  coxcomb,  is  he  not  contented  to  fast  himself,  but 
he  must  make  his  doors  last  too  ? 

42.  The  same  gentleman  calling  for  some  pipes  in  a 
tavern,  complained  they  were  too  short.  The  drawer 
said  they  had  no  other,  and  those  Avere  but  just  come  in. 
Ay,  said  Daniel,  I  see  you  have  not  bought  them  veiy 
long. 

43.  The  same  gentleman,  as  he  had  the  character  of  a 
great  punster,  was  desired  one  night  in  company,  by  a 
gentleman,  to  make  a  pun  extempore.  Upon  what  sub- 
ject ?  said  Daniel.  The  King,  answered  the  other.  The 
king,  sir,  said  he,  is  no  subject. 

44.  G — s  E — 1,  who,  though  he  is  very  rich,  is  remark- 
able for  his  sordid  covetousness,  told  Gibber  one  night 
in  the  green  room,  that  he  was  going  out  of  town,  and 
was  sorry  to  part  with  him,  for  faith  he  loved  him.  Ah  ! 
said  Colley,  I  wish  I  was  a  shilling  for  your  sake.  Why 
so  ?  said  the  other.  Because  then,  cried  the  laureat,  I 
should  be  sure  you  loved  me. 

45.  Lord  C — by,  coming  out  of  the  House  of  Lords 
one  day,  called  out,  Where's  my  fellow  ?  N'ot  in  Eng- 
land, said  a  gentleman  who  stood  by. 

46.  A  beggar  asking  alms  under  the  name  of  a  poor 
scholar,  a  gentleman  to  whom  he  applied  himself  asked 
him  a  question  in  Latin ;  the  fellow,  shaking  his  head, 
said,  he  did  not  understand  him.  Why,  said  the  gentle- 
man, did  you  not  say  you  were  a  poor  scholar  ?  Yes, 
replied  the  other,  a  poor  one  indeed,  sir,  for  I  do  not 
understand  one  word  of  Latin. 

47.  Several  years  ago,  Avhen  Mrs.  Kogers  the  player 
was  young  and  handsome,  Lord  North  and  Grey,  re- 
markable for  his  homely  face,  accosting  her  one  night 
behind  the  scenes,  asked  her  with  a  sigh,  what  was  a 
cm-e  for  love?  Your  Lordship,  said  she;  the  best  I 
know  in  the  world. 


10  JOE    MILLERS    JESTS. 

48.  Colonel ,  who  made  tlie  fine  fireworks  in  St. 

James's  Square,  upon  the  peace  of  Ryswick,  being  in 
company  with  some  hidies,  was  liighly  commending  the 
epitaph  just  then  set  up  in  the  Abbey  on  Mr.  Purcell's 
monument — "  He  is  gone  to  that  phice  where  only  his 
own  harmony  can  be  exceeded."  Well,  Colonel,  said 
one  of  the  ladies,  the  same  epitaph  might  serve  for  you, 
by  altering  one  word  only :  "  He  is  gone  to  that  place 
where  only  his  own  fireworks  can  be  exceeded  ?" 

49.  Sir  B — ch — r  W — y,  in  the  beginning  of  Queen 
Anne's  reign,  and  three  or  four  more  drunken  tories, 
reeling  home  from  the  Fountain  Tavern  in  the  Strand, 
on  a  Sunday  morning,  cried  out,  We  are  the  pillars  of 
the  church.  No,  said  a  whig,  that  happened  to  be  in 
their  company,  you  can  be  but  the  buttresses,  for  you 
never  come  on  the  inside  of  it. 

50.  After  the  fire  of  London,  there  was  an  act  of  par- 
liament to  regulate  the  buildings  of  the  city  ;  every 
house  was  to  be  three  stories  high.  A  Gloucestershire 
gentleman,  a  man  of  great  wit  and  humour,  just  after 
this  act  passed,  going  along  the  street,  and  seeing  a  little 
crooked  gentlewoman  on  the  other  side  of  the  way,  ran 
over  to  her  in  great  haste  ;  Lord,  madam,  said  he,  how 
dare  you  to  walk  the  streets  thus  publicly  ?  Walk  the 
streets !  and  why  not  ?  answered  the  little  woman.  Be- 
cause, said  he,  you  are  built  directly  contrary  to  act  of 
parliament :  you  are  but  two  stories  high. 

51.  One  Mr.  Topham  was  so  very  tall  and  large,  that 
if  he  was  living  now,  he  might  be  shewn  at  Yeate's  the- 
atre for  a  sight.  This  gentleman  going  one  day  to  in- 
quire for  a  countryman  a  little  way  out  of  town,  when 
he  came  to  the  house,  he  looked  in  at  a  little  window 
over  the  door,  and  asked  the  woman,  who  sat  by  the 
fire,  if  her  husband  was  at  home  ?  No,  Sir,  said  she, 
but  if  you  please  to  alight,  and  come  in,  I'll  go  and  call 
him. 

52.  The  same  gentleman  walking  across  Covent  Gar- 
den, was  asked  by  a  beggar-woman  for  a  halfpenny,  or 
farthing  ;  but  finding  he  would  not  part  with  his  money. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  11 

she  begged  he  would  give  her  one  of  his  old  shoes.  He 
was  very  desirous  to  know  what  she  could  do  with  one 
slioe.     To  make  my  child  a  cradle,  sir,  said  she. 

53.  King  Charles  II.  having  ordered  a  new  suit  of 
clothes  to  be  made,  just  at  a  time  when  addresses  were 
coming  up  to  him  from  all  parts  of  the  kingdom,  Tom 
Killigrew  went  to  the  tailor,  and  ordered  him  to  make 
a  very  large  pocket  on  one  side  of  tlie  coat,  and  one  so 
small  on  the  other,  tliat  the  king  could  hardly  get  his 
hand  into  it ;  which  seeming  very  odd,  when  they  were 
brought  liome,  he  asked  the  meaning  of  it ;  the  tailor 
said,  Mr.  Killigrew  ordered  it  so.  Killigrew  being  sent 
for,  and  interrogated,  said,  One  pocket  was  for  the  ad- 
dresses of  his  majesty's  subjects,  the  other  for  the  money 
they  would  give  him. 

54.  My  Lord  B —  had  married  three  wives,  who  were 
all  his  servants ;  a  beggar-woman  meeting  him  one  day 
in  the  street,  made  him  a  very  low  curtesy.  Ah,  bless 
your  lordship,  said  she,  and  send  you  a  long  life  ;  if  you 
do  but  live  long  enough,  we  shall  all  be  ladies  in  time. 

55.  Dr.  Sadler,  who  was  a  very  f^xt  man,  happening  to 
go  thump,  thump,  through  a  street  in  Oxford,  where  the 
paviours  were  at  work,  in  the  midst  of  July,  the  fellows 
immediately  laid  down  their  rammers.  Ah,  bless  you, 
master,  said  one  of  them,  it  was  very  kind  of  you  to 
come  this  way ;  it  saves  us  a  great  deal  of  trouble  this 
hot  weather. 

56.  An  arch  wag,  of  St.  John's  College,  asked  an- 
other of  the  same  College,  who  was  a  great  sloven,  why 
he  would  not  read  a  certain  author  called  Go-Clenius. 

57.  Swan,  the  fxmous  punster  of  Cambridge,  being  a 
non-juror,  upon  which  account  he  had  lost  his  Fellow- 
ship, as  he  was  going  along  the  Strand,  in  the  beginning 
of  King  William's  reign,  on  a  very  rainy  da}^,  a  hackney- 
coachman  called  to  him,  Sir,  won't  you  please  to  take 
coach  ?  it  rains  hard.  Ay,  friend,  said  he,  but  this  is  no 
rain  [reign]  for  me  to  take  coach  in. 

58.  When  Oliver  first  coined  his  money,  an  old  cava- 


12  JOE   MILLER  S   JESTS. 

Her  looking  upon  one  of  the  new  pieces,  rend  the  inscrip- 
tion on  one  side,  God  with  us  :  On  the  other,  Tlie  com- 
monwealth of  England.  I  see,  said  he,  God  and  the 
commonwealth  are  on  different  sides. 

59.  Colonel  Bond,  who  had  been  one  of  King  Charles 
the  First's  judges,  died  a  day  or  two  before  Oliver,  and 
it  was  strongly  reported  everywhere  that  Cromwell  was 
dead ;  No,  said  a  gentleman,  who  knew  better,  he  has 
only  given  Bond  to  the  devil  for  his  further  ajDpearance. 

60.  Mr.  Serjeant  G d,  being  lame  of  one  leg,  and 

pleading  before  Judge  Fortescne,  who  had  little  or  no 
nose,  the  Judge  told  him  he  was  afraid  he  had  but  a 
lame  cause  of  it.  Oh  !  my  lord,  said  the  Serjeant,  have 
but  a  little  patience,  and  I'll  warrant  I  prove  everything 
as  plain  as  the  nose  on  your  face. 

61.  A  gentleman,  eating  some  nmtton  that  was  very 
tough,  said,  it  put  him  in  mind  of  an  old  English  poet ; 
being  asked  who  that  was,  Chau-cer,  replied  he. 

62.  Michael  Angelo,  in  his  picture  of  the  Last  Judg- 
ment, in  the  Pope's  chapel,  painted  among  the  figures  in 
hell  that  of  a  certain  cardinal,  who  was  his  enemy,  so 
like,  that  everybody  knew  it  at  first  sight :  whereupon 
the  cardinal  complaining  to  Pope  Clement  VII.  of  the 
affront,  and  desiring  that  it  might  be  defaced  ;  You 
know  very  well,  said  the  Pope,  I  have  power  to  deliver 
a  soul  out  of  purgatory,  but  not  out  of  hell. 

63.  A  gentleman  being  at  dinner  at  a  friend's  house, 
the  first  thing  that  came  upon  the  table  was  a  dish  of 
Avhitings,  and  one  being  put  upon  his  plate,  he  found  it 
smell  so  strong,  that  he  could  not  eat  a  bit  of  it ;  but  he 
laid  his  mouth  down  to  the  fish,  as  if  he  was  -whispering 
with  it,  and  then  took  up  the  plate,  and  put  it  to  his 
own  ear.  The  gentleman,  at  whose  table  he  was,  in- 
quirmg  into  the  meaning,  he  told  him,  that  he  had  a 
brother  lost  at  sea  about  a  fortnight  ago,  and  he  was 
asking  that  fish  if  he  knew  anything  of  him :  And 
what  answer  made  he  ?  said  the  gentleman.  He  told 
me,  said  he,  that  he  could  give  no"  account  of  him,  for 


JOE    MILLER'S    JESTS.  13 

he  had  not  been  at  sea  tliese  three  weeks. — I  would  not 
have  any  of  my  readers  apply  this  story  as  an  unfortu- 
nate gentleman  did  who  had  heard  it,  and  Avas,  the  next 
day,  whispering  a  rump  of  beef,  at  a  friend's  house. 

64.  An  English  gentleman  happening  to  be  in  Breck- 
nockshire, he  used  sometimes  to  divert  himself  with 
shooting ;  but  being  suspected  not  to  be  qualified  by  one 
of  the  little  Welch  justices,  his  worship  told  him,  that 
unless  he  could  produce  his  qualification,  he  should  not 
allow  him  to  shoot  there,  and  he  had  two  little  manors. 
Yes,  sir,  said  the  Englishman,  everybody  may  perceive 
that.  Perceive  what  ?  cried  tlie  Welchman  :  That  you 
have  too  little  manners,  said  the  other. 

65.  The  Chaplain's  boy  of  a  man  of  war,  being  sent 
out  of  his  own  ship  of  an  errand  to  another,  the  two 
boys  were  comparing  notes  about  their  manner  of  liv- 
ing :  How  often,  said  one,  do  you  go  to  prayers  now  ? 
Why,  answered  the  other,  in  case  of  a  storm,  or  any 
other  danger :  Ay,  said  the  first,  there's  some  sense  in 
that,  but  my  master  makes  us  pray  when  there  is  no 
more  occasion  for  it  than  for  my  leaping  overboard. 

66.  A  midshipman,  one  night,  in  company  with  Joe 
Miller  and  myself,  told  us,  tliat  being  once  in  great  dan- 
ger at  sea,  everybody  was  observed  to  be  upon  their 
knees  but  one  man,  who,  being  called  upon  to  come, 
with  the  rest  of  the  hands,  to  prayers  :  jS'ot  I,  said  he, 
it  is  your  business  to  take  care  of  the  ship,  I  am  but  a 
passenger. 

67.  Three  or  four  roguish  scholars  walking  out  one 
day  from  the  University  of  Oxford,  spied  a  poor  fellow 
near  Abingdon  asleep  in  a  ditch,  with  an  ass  by  him, 
loaded  with  earthen  ware,  holding  the  bridle  in  his 
hand :  says  one  of  the  scholars  to  the  rest,  If  you  will 
assist  me,  I'll  help  you  to  a  little  money,  for  you  know 
we  are  bare  at  present.  No  doubt  of  it  they  were  not 
long  consenting.  Why,  then,  said  he,  we'll  go  and  sell 
this  old  fellow's  ass  at  Abingdon  ;  for  you  know  the  fair 
is  to-morrow,  and  we  shall  meet  with  chapmen  enough  : 
therefore  do  you  take  the  panniers  off,  and  put  them 


14  JOE  miller's  jests. 

upon  my  back,  and  that  bridle  over  my  head,  and  then 
lead  you  the  ass  to  market,  and  let  me  alone  with  the 
old  man.  This  being  done  accordingly,  in  a  little  time 
after,  the  poor  man  awaking,  was  strangely  surprised 
to  see  his  ass  thus  metamorphosed.  Oh  !  for  God's  sake, 
said  the  scholar,  take  this  bridle  out  of  my  mouth,  and 
this  load  from  my  back.  Zoons  !  how  came  you  here  ? 
replied  the  old  man.  Why,  said  he,  my  father,  wdio  is 
a  necromancer,  upon  an  idle  thing  I  clid  to  disoblige 
him,  transformed  me  into  an  ass  ;  but  now  his  heart  has 
relented,  and  I  am  come  to  my  own  shape  again,  I  beg 
you  will  let  me  go  home  and  thank  him. — By  all  means, 
said  the  crockery  merchant,  I  do  not  desire  to  have  any 
thing  to  do  with  conjuration ;  and  so  set  the  scholar  at 
liberty,  who  went  directly  to  his  comrades,  that  by  this 
time  were  making  merry  Avitli  the  money  they  had  sold 
the  ass  for.  But  the  old  fellow  was  forced  to  go  the 
next  day  to  seek  for  a  new  one  in  the  fiiir ;  and  after 
having  looked  on  several,  his  own  was  shown  him  for  a 
good  one.  Oh !  said  he,  what  liave  he  and  his  father 
quarrelled  again  already  ?  N'o,  no,  I'll  have  nothing  to 
say  to  him. 

68.  Mr.  Congreve  going  up  the  water  in  a  boat,  one 
of  the  watermen  told  him,  as  they  passed  by  Peter- 
borougli  House,  that  that  house  had  sunk  a  story.  No, 
friend,  said  he,  I  rather  believe  it  is  a  story  raised. 

69.  The  aforesaid  house,  which  is  the  very  last  in  Lon- 
don, one  way,  being  rebuilt,  a  gentleman  asked  another, 
Who  lived  in  it  ?  His  friend  told  him,  Sir  Robert  Gros- 
venor.  I  don't  know,  said  the  first,  what  estate  Sir 
Robert  has,  but  he  ought  to  have  a  very  good  one  ;  for 
nobody  lives  beyond  him  in  the  whole  town. 

'70.  Two  gentlemen  disputing  about  religion,  in  But- 
ton's Coffee-house,  said  one  of  them,  I  wonder,  sir,  you 
should  talk  of  religion,  when  I'll  hold  you  five  guineas 
you  can't  say  the  Lord's  Prayer.  Done,  said  the  other, 
and  Sir  Richard  Steele  shall  hold  stakes.  The  money 
being  deposited,  the  gentleman  began  with,  I  believe  in 
God,  and  so  went  cleverly  through  the  Creed.     Well, 


« 

JOE  miller's  jests.  15 

said  the  other,  I  own  I  have  lost ;  I  did  not  think  he 
could  have  done  it. 

71.  A  certain  author  Avas  telling  Dr.  Sewel,  that  a 
passage  he  found  fault  with  in  his  poem  might  be  justi- 
fied, and  that  he  thought  it  a  metaphor  :  It  is  such  a  one, 
said  the  doctor,  as  truly  I  never  met-afore. 

72.  King  Henry  VIII.  designing  to  send  a  nobleman 
on  an  embassy  to  Francis  I.  at  a  very  dangerous  junc- 
ture, he  begged  to  be  excused,  saying,  such  a  threaten- 
inor  messas^e  to  so  hot  a  prince  as  Francis  I.  might  2^0 
near  to  cost  him  his  life.  Fear  not,  said  old  Harry,  if 
the  French  king  should  offer  to  take  away  your  life,  I 
would  revenge  you  by  taking  off  the  heads  of  many 
Frenchmen  now  in  my  power.  But  of  all  those  heads, 
replied  the  nobleman,  there  may  not  be  one  to  fit  my 
shoulders. 

73.  A  parson  preaching  a  tiresome  sermon  on  happi- 
ness or  bliss ;  when  he  had  done,  a  gentleman  told  him 
he  had  forgot  one  sort  of  happiness :  Happy  are  they 
that  did  not  hear  your  sermon. 

74.  A  country  fellow,  who  was  just  come  to  London, 
gaping  about  in  every  shop  he  came  to,  at  last  looked 
into  a  scrivener's,  where  seeing  only  one  man  sitting  at 
a  desk,  he  could  not  imagine  what  commodity  was  sold 
there  ;  but  calling  to  the  clerk,  Pray,  sir,  said  he,  what 
do  you  sell  here  ? — Loggerheads,  cried  the  other.  Do 
you  ?  answered  the  countryman ;  egad,  then  you've  a 
special  trade  ;  for  I  see  you  have  but  one  left. 

75.  Manners,  who  was  himself  but  lately  made  Earl 
of  Rutland,  told  Sir  Thomas  More,  He  was  too  much 
elated  by  his  preferment ;  that  he  verified  the  old  pro- 
verb, "Honores  mutant  Mores."  No,  my  lord,  said  Sir 
Thomas,  the  pun  will  do  much  better  in  English,  "  Hon- 
ors change  Manners." 

76.  A  mayor  of  Yarmouth,  in  ancient  times,  being  by 
his  office  a  justice  of  the  peace,  and  one  who  was  willing 
to  dispense  the  laws  wisely,  though  he  could  hardly  read, 
got  him  the  statute  book,  where,  finding  a  law  against 


16  JOE   3IILLEE'S    JESTS. 

firing  a  beacon,  or  causing  any  beacon  to  fired,  after  nine 
of  the  clock  at  night ;  the  poor  man  read  it,  frying  bacon 
or  causing  any  bacon  to  be  fried  ;  and  accordingly  went 
out  the  next  night  upon  the  scent,  and  being  directed  by 
his  nose  to  the  carrier's  house,  he  found  the  man  and  his 
wife  both  frying  of  bacon,  tli»9  husband  holding  the  pan 
while  the  wife  turned  it ;  being  thus  caught  in  the  fact, 
and  having  nothing  to  say  for  themselves,  his  worship 
committed  them  both  to  jail  without  bail  or  mainprize. 

77.  The  late  facetious  Mr.  Spiller,  being  at  the  re- 
hearsal, on  a  Saturday  morning,  the  time  when  the 
actors  are  usually  j^aid,  ^vas  asking  another.  Whether 
Mr.  Wood,  the  treasurer  of  the  house,  had  anything  to 
say  to  them  that  morning :  N^o,  faith,  Jemmy,  replied 
the  other,  I'm  afraid  there's  no  cole — (which  is  a  cant 
word  for  money).  Then,  said  Spiller,  if  there's  no  cole 
we  must  burn  Wood. 

78.  A  witty  knave  coming  into  a  lace  shop  upon  Lud- 
gate  Hill,  said,  he  had  occasion  for  a  small  quantity  of 
very  fine  lace,  and  having  pitched  upon  that  he  liked, 
asked  the  woman  of  the  shop  how  much  she  would  have 
for  as  much  as  could  reach  from  one  of  his  ears  to  the 
other,  and  measure  which  way  she  pleased,  either  over 
his  head  or  under  his  chin.  After  some  words  they 
agreed,  and  he  paid  the  money  down,  and  began  to 
measure,  saying.  One  of  my  ears  is  here,  and  the 
other  is  nailed  to  the  pillory  in  Bristol,  therefore  I  fear 
you  have  not  enough  to  make  good  the  bargain ;  how- 
ever, I  will  take  this  piece  in  part,  and  desire  you  will 
provide  the  rest  with  all  expedition. 

79.  When  Sir  Cloudesly  Shovel  set  out  on  his  last  ex- 
pedition, there  was  a  form  of  prayer  composed  by  the 
Archbishop  of  Canterbury,  for  the  success  of  the  fleet, 
in  which  his  grace  made  use  of  this  unlucky  expression. 
That  he  begged  God  would  be  a  rock  of  defence  to  the 
fleet ;  which  occasioned  the  following  lines  to  be  made 
upon  the  monument  set  up  for  him  in  Westminster 
Abbey,  he  being  cast  away  in  that  expedition  on  the 
rocks  called  The  Bishop  and  his  Clerks  : 


11 

As  Lambeth  pray'd,  such  was  the  dire  event, 
Else  had  we  wanted  now  this  monument ; 
That  God  unto  our  fleet  Avould  be  a  rock, 
Kor  did  kind  Heaven  the  wise  petition  mock  : 
To  Avhat  the  Metropolitan  said  then, 
The  Bishop  and  his  Clerks  replied.  Amen. 

80.  A  French  marquis,  being  one  day  at  dinner  at  the 
late  Roger  Williams's,  the  famous  punster  and  publican, 
and  boasting  of  the  happy  genius  of  his  nation,  in  pro- 
jecting all  the  fline  modes  and  fashions,  particularly  the 
ruffle,  which,  he  said,  was  de  fine  ornament  to  de  hand, 
and  had  been  followed  by  all  de  oder  nations.  Roger 
allowed  what  he  said,  but  observed  at  the  same  time, 
That  the  English,  according  to  custom,  had  made  a 
great  improvement  upon  their  invention,  by  adding  the 
shirt  to  it. 

81.  A  poor  dirty  shoe-boy  going  into  a  church,  one 
Sunday  evening,  and  seeing  the  parish  boys  standing  in 
a  row  upon  a  bench  to  be  catechized,  he  gets  up  himself, 
and  stands  in  the  very  first  place  ;  so  the  parson,  of 
course  beginning  with  him,  asked  him.  What  is  your 
name  ?  Rugged  and  Tough,  answered  he  ;  Who  gave 
you  that  name  ?  said  Domine :  Why  the  boys  in  our 
alley,  replied  poor  Rugged  and  Tough. 

82.  A  prince  laughing  at  one  of  his  coui'tiers,  whom 
he  had  employed  in  several  embassies,  told  him  he  looked 
like  an  owl.  I  know  not,  answered  the  courtier,  what  I 
look  like  ;  but  this  I  know,  that  I  have  had  the  honor 
several  times  to  represent  your  majesty's  person. 

83.  A  lady's  age  happening  to  be  questioned,  she  af- 
firmed she  was  but  forty,  and  called  upon  a  gentleman 
who  was  in  company,  for  his  opinion  :  Cousin,  said  she, 
do  you  believe  I  am  in  the  right  when  I  say  I  am  but 
forty?  I  am  sure,  madam,  replied  he,  I  ought  not  to 
dispute  it ;  for  I  have  constantly  heard  you  say  so  for 
above  these  ten  years. 

84.  A  Venetian  ambassador,  going  to  the  court  of 
Rome,  passed  through  Florence,  when  he  went  to  pay 


18  JOE  miller's  jests. 

his  respects  to  the  Duke  of  Tuscany.  The  duke  com- 
plaining to  him  of  the  ambassador  the  state  of  Venice 
had  sent  him,  as  a  man  unworthy  of  his  public  character. 
Your  highness,  said  he,  must  not  wonder  at  it,  for  we 
have  many  idle  pates  at  Venice.  So  have  we,  replied 
the  duke,  in  Florence ;  but  we  do  not  send  them  to  treat 
of  public  affiiirs. 

85.  It  being  proved  in  a  trial  at  Guildhall,  that  a 
man's  name  was  really  Inch,  wdio  pretended  it  was 
Linch,  I  see,  said  the  judge,  the  old  proverb  is  verified 
in  this  man,  who  being  allowed  an  Inch  has  taken  an  L. 

86.  A  certain  person  came  to  a  cardinal  in  Rome,  and 
told  him  that  he  had  brought  his  reverence  a  dainty 
white  palfrey,  but  he  fell  lame  by  the  way.  Saith  the 
cardinal  to  him,  I'll  tell  thee  what  thou  shalt  do ;  go  to 
such  a  cardinal,  and  such  a  one,  naming  half  a  dozen, 
and  tell  them  the  same  ;  and  so  as  thy  horse,  if  it  had 
been  sound,  could  have  pleased  but  one,  with  this  lame 
horse  thou  shalt  please  half  a  dozen. 

87.  The  Emperor  Augustus  being  shown  a  young  Gre- 
cian Avho  very  much  resembled  him,  asked  the  young 
man  if  his  mother  had  not  been  at  Rome — ISTo,  sir,  an- 
swered the  Grecian,  but  my  father  has. 

88.  Cato,  the  censor,  being  asked  how  it  came  to  joass 
that  he  had  no  statue  erected  for  him,  who  had  so  well 
deserved  of  the  commonwealth  ?  I  had  rather,  said  he, 
have  this  question  asked,  than  why  I  had  one. 

89.  A  lady  coming  into  a  room  hastily  with  her  man- 
tua  brushed  down  a  Cremona  fiddle  that  lay  on  a  chair, 
and  broke  it ;  upon  which,  a  gentleman  that  was  pres- 
ent, burst  into  this  exclamation  from  Virgil : 

Mantua,  va3  miserie  nimium  vicina  Cremonas  ! 
Ah !  miserable  Mantua,  too  near  a  neighbour  to  Cre- 
mona. 

90.  A  devout  gentleman  being  very  earnest  in  his 
prayers  in  the  church,  it  happened  that  a  pickpocket,  be- 
ing near  him,  stole  away  his  watch,  who,  having  ended 
his  prayers,  missed  it,  and  complained  to  his  friend  that 


JOE   MILLER'S   JESTS.  19 

his  Avatch  was  lost  while  he  was  at  prayers ;  to  which 
his  friend  repUed,  Had  you  watched  as  well  as  prayed, 
your  watch  had  been  secure ;  adding  these  following 
lines  : 

He  that  a  watch  will  wear,  this  must  he  do. 
Pocket  his  watch,  and  watch  his  pocket  too. 

91.  A  lieutenant-colonel  to  one  of  the  Irish  regiments 
in  the  French  service,  being  dispatched  by  the  Duke  of 
Berwick  from  Fort-Keil  to  the  King  of  France,  with  a 
complaint  relating  to  some  irregularities  that  had  hap- 
pened in  the  regiment;  his  majesty,  with  some  emotion 
of  mind,  told  him,  that  the  Irish  troops  gave  him  more 
uneasiness  than  all  his  forces  besides.  Sir,  said  the  of- 
ficer, all  your  majesty's  enemies  make  the  same  com- 
plaint. 

92.  Mr.  G ^n,  the  surgeon,  being  sent  for  to  a  gen- 
tleman who  had  just  received  a  slight  wound  in  a  ren- 
counter, gave  orders  to  his  servant  to  go  home  with  all 
haste  imaginable,  and  fetch  a  certain  plaister  ;  the  patient 
turning  a  little  pale.  Lord,  sir,  said  he,  I  hope  there  is  no 
danger?  Yes,  indeed,  is  there,  answered  the  surgeon, 
for  if  the  fellow  don't  set  up  a  good  pair  of  heels,  the 
wound  will  heal  before  he  returns. 

93.  Not  many  years  ago,  a  certain  temporal  peer  hav- 
ing, in  a  most  pathetic  and  elegant  speech,  exposed  the 
vices  and  irregularities  of  the  clergy,  and  vindicated  the 
gentlemen  of  the  army  from  some  imputations  unjustly 
laid  upon  them :  A  prelate,  irritated  at  the  nature,  as 
well  as  at  the  length  of  the  speech,  desired  to  know 
when  the  noble  lord  would  leave  off  preaching  ?  The 
other  answered.  The  very  day  he  was  made  a  bishop. 

94.  It  chanced  that  a  merchant  ship  was  so  violently 
tossed  in  a  storm  at  sea,  that  all,  despairing  of  safety, 
betook  themselves  to  prayer,  saving  one  mariner,  who 
was  ever  wishing  to  see  two  stars :  O !  said  he,  that  I 
could  but  see  two  stars,  or  but  one  of  the  two  ;  and  of 
these  words  he  made  so  frequent  repetition,  tliat  dis- 
turbing the  meditations  of  the  rest,  at  length  one  asked 
him  what  two  stars,  or  what  one  star  he  meant  ?     To 


20 


whom  he  replied,  O !  that  I  could  but  see  the  Star  in 
Cheapside,  or  the  Star  in  Coleman  Street,  I  care  not 
which. 

95.  Dr.  Heylin,  a  noted  autlior,  especially  for  his  Cos- 
mography, liappened  to  lose  his  way  going  to  Oxford,  in 
the  forest  of  Whichwood,  being  then  attended  by  one  of 
liis  brother's  men,  the  man  earnestly  entreated  him  to 
lead  the  way;  but  the  doctor  telling  him  he  did  not 
know  it!  How,  said  the  fellow,  that  is  very  strange, 
that  you  who  have  made  a  book  of  the  whole  world,  can- 
not find  the  way  out  of  this  little  wood. 

96.  Monsieur  Vaugelas  having  obtained  a  pension  from 
the  French  king,  on  the  interest  of  Cardinal  Richelieu, 
the  cardinal  told  him  he  hoped  he  would  not  forget  the 
word  pension  in  his  dictionary.  No,  my  lord,  said  Vau- 
gelas, nor  the  word  gratitude. 

97.  A  melting  sermon  being  preached  in  a  country 
church,  all  fell  a  weeping  but  one  man,  who  being  asked 
why  he  did  not  weep  with  the  rest  ?  Oh !  said  he,  I  be- 
long to  another  parish. 

98.  A  gentleman  who  had  been  out  a  shooting,  brouglit 
home  a  small  bird  with  him,  and  having  an  Irish  serv- 
ant, he  asked  him  if  he  had  shot  that  little  bird  ?  Yes,  he 
told  him.  Arrah !  by  my  shoul,  honey,  replied  the  Irish- 
man, it  was  not  worth  powder  and  shot ;  for  this  little 
thing  would  have  died  in  the  fall. 

99.  An  Irishman  being  at  a  tavern,  where  the  cook 
was  dressing  some  carp,  observed  some  of  them  move 
after  they  were  gutted  and  put  into  the  pan,  which  very 
much  surprising  Teague,  Well  now,  faith,  said  he,  of 
all  the  Christian  creatures  that  ever  I  saw,  this  same 
carjD  will  live  the  longest  after  it  is  dead  of  any  fish. 

100.  A  young  fellow  riding  down  a  steep  hill,  and 
doubting  the  foot  of  it  was  hoggish,  called  out  to  a  clown 
that  was  ditching,  and  asked  him  if  it  was  hard  at  the 
bottom.  Ay,  answered  the  countryman,  it  is  hard 
enough  at  the  bottom,  I'll  warrant  you.  But  in  lialf  a 
dozen  steps  the  horse  sunk  up  to  the  saddle  skirts,  which 


JOE   MILLER  S   JESTS.  21 

made  the  young  galLant  whip,  spur,  curse  and  swear. 
Why,  thou  rascal,  said  he  to  tlie  ditcher,  didst  thou  not 
tell  me  it  was  hard  at  bottom  ?  Ay,  replied  the  other, 
but  you  are  not  half  way  to  the  bottom  yet. 

101.  It  Avas  said  of  one  who  remembered  everything 
that  he  lent,  but  quite  forgot  what  he  borrowed,  that  he 
had  lost  half  his  memory. 

102.  One  speaking  of  Titus  Gates,  said,  he  was  a  vil- 
lain in  grain,  and  deserved  to  be  well  threshed. 

103.  It  was  said  of  Henry  Duke  of  Guise,  that  he  Avas 
the  greatest  usurer  in  all  France,  for  he  had  turned  all 
his  estate  into  obligations — meaning  he  had  sold  and 
mortgaged  his  patrimony  to  make  presents  to  other  men. 

104.  An  Englishman  and  a  Welchman  disputing  in 
whose  country  was  the  best  living ;  said  the  Welchman, 
There  is  such  noble  housekeeping  in  Wales,  that  I  have 
known  above  a  dozen  cooks  employed  at  one  Avedding 
diimer.  Ay,  ansAvered  the  Englishman,  that  was  because 
every  man  toasted  his  OAvn  cheese. 

105.  The  late  Sir  Godfrey  Kneller  had  ahvays  a  great 
contemj^t,  I  Avill  not  pretend  to  say  ho av  justly,  for  Jer- 
vis  the  painter ;  and  being  one  d;iy  about  tAventy  miles 
from  London,  one  of  his  servants  told  him  at  dinner, 
that  there  Avas  Mr.  Jervis  come  that  day  into  the  same 
toAvn  Avith  a  coach  and  four.  Ay,  said  Sir  Godfrey,  but 
if  his  horses  draAV  no  better  than  himself,  they  Avill  never 
carry  him  to  town  again. 

106.  A  gentleman  asked  Xanny  Rochford  Avhy  the 
Whigs,  in  their  mourning  for  Queen  Anne,  all  Avore  silk 
stockings  ?     Because,  says  she,  the  Tories  were  Avorsted. 

107.  A  counsellor  pleading  at  the  bar  Avith  spectacles 
on,  Avho  was  blind  Avitli  one  eye,  said  he  AA^ould  produce 
nothing  but  Avhat  was  ad  rem.  Then,  said  one  of  the 
adverse  party,  you  must  take  out  one  glass  of  your  spec- 
tacles, which  I  am  sure  is  of  no  use. 

108.  The  famous  Tom  Thynne,  who  was  very  remark- 
able for  his  good  housekeeping  and  hospitality,  standing 


22  JOE  miller's  jests. 

one  day  at  liis  gate  in  the  country,  a  beggar  coming  up 
to  him  cried,  He  begged  his  Avorship  would  give  him  a 
mug  of  his  small  beer.  Why,  how  now,  said  he,  what 
times  are  these,  when  beggars  must  be  choosers !  I  say, 
bring  this  fellow  a  mug  of  strong  beer. 

109.  It  was  said  of  a  person,  who  always  ate  at  other 
people's  tables,  and  was  a  great  railer,  that  he  never 
opened  his  mouth  but  to  somebody's  cost. 

110.  Pope  Sixtus  Quintus,  who  was  a  poor  man's  son, 
and  his  fjxther's  house  ill  thatched,  so  that  the  sun  came 
in  at  many  places  of  it,  would  himself  make  a  jest  of  his 
birth,  and  say.  That  he  was  nato  di  ccisa  illustre. 

111.  Diogenes  begging,  as  was  the  custom  among 
many  philosophers,  asked  a  prodigal  man  for  more  than 
any  one  else ;  whereupon  one  said  to  him,  I  see  your 
business,  that  when  you  find  a  liberal  mind,  you  will 
make  the  most  of  him.  No,  said  Diogenes,  but  I  mean 
to  beg  of  the  rest  again. 

112.  Dr.  Sewel,  and  two  or  three  more  gentlemen, 
walking  towards  Hampstead  on  a  summer's  day,  were 
met  by  the  famous  Daniel  Purcell,  who  was  very  impor- 
tunate with  them  to  know  upon  \Vhat  account  they  were 
going  there.  The  doctor  merrily  answering  him,  To 
make  hay.  Very  well,  replied  the  other,  you  w^ill  be 
there  at  a  very  convenient  season,  the  country  wants 
rakes. 

113.  A  gentleman  speaking  of  his  servant  said,  I  be- 
lieve I  command  more  than  any  man  ;  for  before  my 
servant  will  obey  me  in  one  thing,  I  must  command  him 
ten  times  over. 

114.  A  poor  fellow  who  was  carrying  to  execution, 
had  a  reprieve  just  as  he  came  to  the  gallows,  and  Avas 
carried  back  by  a  sheriff's  officer,  who  told  him  he  was 
a  happy  fellow,  and  asked  him  if  he  knew  nothing  of  the 
reprieve  beforehand  ?  No,  replied  the  fellow,  nor  thought 
any  more  of  it  than  I  did  of  my  dying  day. 

115.  A  countryman  admiring  the  stately  fabric  of 
St.  Paul's,  asked,  whether  it  was  made  in  England,  or 
brought  from  beyond  sea  ? 


JOE   MILLER'S   JESTS.  23 

116.  Fabricius,  the  Roman  consul,  showed  a  great 
nobleness  of  mind,  when  the  physician  of  King  Pyrrhus 
made  him  a  proposal  to  poison  his  master,  by  sending 
the  physician  back  to  Pyrrhus,  with  these  memorable 
words  ;  Learn,  O  king,  to  make  better  choice  both  of  thy 
friends  and  of  thy  foes. 

117.  A  soldier  was  bragging  before  Julius  Ca3sar  of 
the  wounds  he  had  received  in  his  lace.  Csesar,  know- 
ing him  to  be  a  coward,  told  him  he  had  best  take  heed 
the  next  time  he  ran  away,  how  he  looked  back. 

118.  The  Trojans  sending  ambassadors  to  condole  with 
Tiberius,  upon  the  death  of  his  father-in-law,  Augustus, 
it  was  so  long  after,  that  the  emperor  hardly  thought  it 
a  compliment ;  but  told  them  he  was  likewise  sorry  that 
they  had  lost  so  A^aliant  a  knight  as  Hector  [slain  above 
a  thousand  years  before]. 

119.  Cato  Major  used  to  say,  That  wise  men  learnt 
more  from  fools,  than  fools  from  wise  men. 

120.  A  braggadocio  chancing,  upon  an  occasion,  to 
run  away  full  speed,  was  asked  by  one.  What  was  be- 
come of  that  courage  he  used  so  much  to  talk  of?  It  is 
got,  said  he,  all  into  my  heels. 

121.  Somebody  asked  my  Lord  Bacon  what  he  thought 
of  poets  ?  Why,  said  he,  1  think  them  the  very  best 
writers  next  to  those  who  write  in  prose. 

122.  A  profligate  young  nobleman,  being  in  company 
with  some  sober  23eople,  desired  leave  to  toast  the  devil. 
The  gentleman,  who  sat  next  to  him,  said.  He  had  no 
objection  to  any  of  his  lordship's  friends. 

123.  A  Scotsman  w^as  very  angry  with  an  English 
gentleman,  who,  he  said,  had  abused  him,  and  called  him, 
false  Scot.  Lideed,  said  the  Englishman,  I  said  no  such 
thing,  but  that  you  Avere  a  true  Scot. 

124.  The  late  Commissary-General  G — ley,  who  once 
kept  a  glass-shop,  having  Colonel  P — c — k's  regiment 
under  a  muster,  made  great  complaints  of  the  men's  ap- 
pearance, &c.,  and  said  that  the  regiment  ought  to  be 


24 


broke.     Then,  sir,  said  the  Colonel,  perhaps  you  think  a 
regiment  is  as  soon  broke  as  a  looking-glass. 

125.  Carll,  the  bookseller,  being  under  examination  at 
the  bar  of  the  House  of  Lords,  for  publishing  the  post- 
humous Avorks  of  the  late  Duke  of  Buckingham,  with- 
out leave  of  the  family,  told  their  Lordships  in  his  de- 
fence, That  if  the  duke  was  living,  he  was  sure  he  would 
readily  pardon  the  offence. 

126.  Mr.  E — 11 — s,  the  painter,  having  finished  a  very 
good  picture  of  Figg,  the  prize-fighter,  who  had  been 
famous  in  getting  the  better  of  several  L'ishmen  of  the 
sam.e  profession,  the  piece  was  shown  to  old  Johnson  the 
player,  wdio  was  told  at  the  same  time,  that  Mr.  E — 11 — s 
designed  to  have  a  mezzotinto  print  taken  from  it,  but 
w^anted  a  motto  to  be  put  under  it.  Then,  said  old  John- 
son, I'll  give  you  one :  A  Fig  for  the  L'isK. 

127.  A  gentleman  coming  to  an  inn  in  Smithfield,  and 
seeing  the  ostler  expert  and  tractable  about  the  horses, 
asked  how  long  he  had  lived  there,  and  what  country- 
man he  was  ?  I'se  Yorkshire,  said  the  fellow,  and  ha' 
lived  sixteen  years  here.  I  wonder,  replied  the  gentle- 
man, that,  in  so  long  a  time,  so  clever  a  fellow  as  you 
seem  to  be,  have  not  come  to  be  master  of  the  inn  your- 
self. Ay,  answered  the  ostler,  but  maister's  Yorkshire 
too. 

128.  The  late  Colonel  Chartres,  reflecting  on  his  ill 
life  and  character,  told  a  certain  nobleman,  that  if  such 
a  thing  as  a  good  name  was  to  be  purchased,  he  would 
freely  give  10,000^.  for  one.  The  nobleman  said,  it  would 
certainly  be  the  worst  money  he  ever  laid  out  in  his 
life.  Why  so  ?  said  the  honest  Colonel.  Because,  an- 
swered the  lord,  you  would  forfeit  it  again  in  less  than  a 
week. 

129.  A  seedy,  poor,  half-pay  captain,  who  was  much 
given  to  blabbing  everything  he  heard,  was  told.  There 
was  but  one  secret  in  the  world  he  could  keep,  and  that 
was,  where  he  lodged. 

130.  Jack  M — n  going  one  day  into  the  apartments  ia 


JOE   MILLER  S    JESTS.  25 

St.  James's,  found  a  lady  of  his  acquaintance  sitting  in 
one  of  the  windows,  who  very,  courteously  asked  him  to 
sit  down  by  her,  telling  him  tliere  was  a  place.  No, 
madam,  said  he,  I  do  not  come  to  court  for  a  place. 
If  the  gentle  reader  should  have  a  desire  to  repeat  this 
story,  let  him  not  make  the  same  blunder  that  a  certain 
English-Irish  foolish  lord  did,  Avho  made  the  lady  ask 
Jack  to  sit  down  by  her,  telling  him  there  was  room. 

131.  A  certain  lady  of  quality  sending  her  Irish  foot- 
man to  fetch  home  a  pair  of  new  stays,  strictly  charged 
him  to  take  coach  if  it  rained,  for  fear  of  wetting  them : 
but  a  great  shower  of  rain  falling,  the  fellow  returned 
with  the  stays  dropping  wet ;  and  being  severely  repri- 
manded for  not  doing  as  he  was  ordered  to  do,  he  said, 
he  had  obeyed  her  orders.  How  then,  answered  the 
lady,  could  the  stays  be  wet,  if  you  took  them  into  the 
coach  with  you  ?  No,  replied  Teague,  I  knew  my  place 
better,  I  did  not  go  into  the  coach,  but  rode  behind,  as  I 
always  used  to  do. 

132.  Tom  Warner,  the  late  publisher  of  newspapers 
and  pamphlets,  being  very  near  his  end,  a  gentlewoman 
in  the  neighbourhood  sending  her  maid  to  inquire  how 
he  did  ?  he  bid  the  girl  tell  her  mistress.  That  he  hoped 
he  was  going  to  the  new  Jerusalem.  Ay,  dear  sir,  said 
she,  I  dare  say  the  air  of  Islington  would  do  you  more 
good. 

133.  The  deputies  of  Rochelle  attending  to  speak 
with  Henry  the  Fourth  of  France,  met  with  a  physician 
wlio  had  renounced  the  Protestant  religion,  and  em- 
braced the  Popish  communion,  whom  they  began  to  re- 
vile most  grievously.  The  king,  hearing  of  it,  told  the 
deputies,  he  advised  them  to  change  their  religion  too  ; 
for  it  is  a  dangerous  symptom,  said  he,  that  your  relig- 
ion is  not  long  lived,  when  a  j^hysician  has  given  it  over. 

134.  Two  Oxford  scholars  meeting  on  the  road  with  a 
Yorkshire  ostler,  they  fell  to  bantering  him,  and  told  the 
fellow  that  they  would  prove  him  to  be  a  horse  or  an 
ass.  Well,  said  the  ostler,  and  I  can  prove  your  saddle 
to  be  a  mule.     A  mule!  cried  one  of  them,  how  can 


26  JOE   MILLEK  S   JESTS. 

that  be  ?     Because,  said  the  ostler,  it  is  something  be- 
tween a  horse  and  an  ass.- 

135.  A  Frenchman  travelling  between  Dover  and 
London,  came  into  an  inn  to  lodge,  when  the  host,  j^er- 
ceiving  him  a  close-fisted  cnr,  having  called  for  nothing 
but  a  pint  of  beer  and  a  pennyworth  of  bread,  to  eat 
with  a  salad  he  gathered  by  the  way,  resolved  to  fit  him 
for  it,  therefore  seemed  to  pay  him  an  extraordinary  re- 
spect, laid  him  a  clean  cloth  for  supper,  and  compliment- 
ed him  with  the  best  bed  in  the  house.  In  the  morning 
he  set  a  good  salad  before  him,  with  cold  meat,  butter, 
&c.,  which  provoked  the  monsieur  to  the  generosity  of 
calling  for  half-a-pint  of  wine ;  then  coming  to  pay,  the 
host  gave  him  a  bill,  which,  for  the  best  bed,  wine,  salad, 
and  other  appurtenances,  he  had  enhanced  to  the  value 
of  twenty  shillings.  Jernie,  says  the  Frenchman,  twen- 
ty shillings  !  Vat  you  mean  ?  But  all  his  spluttering 
was  in  vain ;  for  the  host,  with  a  great  deal  of  tavern 
elocution,  made  him  sensible  nothing  could  be  abated. 
The  monsieur,  therefore,  seeing  no  remedy  but  patience, 
seemed  to  pay  it  cheerfully.  After  which,  he  told  the 
host,  that  his  house  being  extremely  troubled  with  rats, 
he  could  give  him  a  receipt  to  drive  them  away,  so  as 
they  should  never  return  again.  The  host  being  very 
desirous  to  be  rid  of  those  troublesome  guests,  who 
were  every  day  doing  him  one  mischief  or  another,  at 
length  concluded  to  give  monsieur  twenty  shillings  for  a 
receipt :  which  done.  Big-gar,  says  the  monsieur,  you 
make  a  de  rat  one  such  bill  as  you  make  me,  and  if  ever 
dey  trouble  your  house  again,  me  will  be  hang. 

136.  A  Westminster  justice  taking  coach  in  the  city, 
and  being  set  down  at  Youngman's  Coffee-house,  Char- 
ing Cross,  the  driver  demanded  eighteenpence  as  his 
fare,  the  justice  asked  him  if  he  would  swear  the  ground 
came  to  the  money.  The  man  said.  He  would  take  his 
oath  on't.  The  justice  replied.  Friend,  I'm  a  magis- 
trate ;  and  pulling  the  book  out  of  his  pocket,  adminis- 
tered the  oath,  and  then  gave  the  fellow  sixpence,  saying, 
he  must  reserve  the  shilling^  to  himself  for  the  afiidavit. 


27 


137.  A  countryman  j^nssing  along  the  Strand,  saw  a 
coach  overturned,  and  asking  what  the  matter  Avas,  he 
was  told.  That  three  or  four  members  of  parliament 
were  overturned  in  that  coach.  Oh !  says  he,  there  let 
them  lie ;  my  flither  always  advised  me  not  to  meddle 
with  state  affairs. 

138.  One  saying  that  Mr.  Dennis  was  an  excellent 
critic,  was  answered,  That  indeed  his  writings  were 
much  to  be  valued  ;  for  that  by  his  criticism,  he  taught 
men  how  to  write  well ;  and  by  his  poetry  showed  them 
what  it  was  to  write  ill ;  so  that  the  world  was  sure  to 
edify  by  him. 

139.  One  going  to  see  a  friend  who  had  lain  a  consid- 
erable time  in  the  Marshalsea  prison,  in  a  starving  con- 
dition, was  persuading  him,  rather  than  lie  there  in  that 
miserable  case,  to  go  to  sea ;  which  not  agreeing  with 
his  high  spirit,  I  thank  you  for  your  advice,  replied  the 
prisoner,  but  if  I  go  to  sea,  I'm  resolved  it  shall  be  upon 
good  ground. 

140.  A  drunken  fellow  carrying  his  wife's  bible  to 
pawn  for  a  quartern. of  gin,  to  an  ale-house,  the  man  of 
the  house  refused  to  take  it.  What,  said  the  fellow, 
will  neither  my  word  nor  the  word  of  God  pass  with 
you? 

141.  A  certain  Justice  of  the  Peace  not  far  from 
Clerkenwell,  in  the  first  year  of  King  George  the  First, 
when  his  clerk  was  reading  a  mittimus  to  him,  coming 
to  Anno  Domini  1714,  he  cried  out  with  some  warmth, 
And  why  not  Georgio  Domini  ?  sure,  you  forget  your- 
self strangely. 

142.  A  certain  nobleman,  a  courtier,  in  the  beginning 
of  the  late  reign,  coming  out  of  the  House  of  Lords, 
accosted  the  Duke  of  Buckingham,  with.  How  does 
your  pot  boil,  my  lord,  these  troublesome  times  ?  To 
which  his  grace  replied,  I  never  go  into  my  kitchen,  but 
I  dare  say  the  scum  is  uppermost. 

143.  The  Lord  [N'orth  and  Grey  being  once  at  an  as- 
sembly at  the  Theatre  Royal  in  the  Haymarket,  was 


28  JOE  miller's  jests. 

pleased  to  tell  Mr.  Heidigger,  he  would  make  him  a 
present  of  100/.,  if  he  could  produce  an  uglier  face  in 
the  whole  kingdom,  than  liis,  the  said  Heidigger's,  within 
a  year  and  a  day.  Mr.  Heidigger  went  instantly  and 
fetched  a  looking-glass,  and  presented  it  to  his  lordship, 
saying.  He  did  not  doubt  but  that  his  lordship  had 
honour  enough  to  keep  his  promise. 

144.  A  person  who  had  an  unmeasurable  stomach, 
coming  to  a  cook-shop  to  dine,  said,  it  wsls  not  his  way 
to  have  his  meat  cut,  but  to  pay  8d.  for  his  ordinary  ; 
which  the  cook  seemed  to  think  reasonable  enough,  and 
so  set  a  shoulder  of  mutton  before  him  of  a  half-crown 
price,  to  cut  where  he  pleased ;  with  which  he  so  played 
the  cormorant,  that  he  devoured  all  but  the  bone,  paid 
his  ordinary  and  trooped  off.  The  next  time  he  came, 
the  cook  casting  a  sheep's-eye  at  him,  desired  him  to 
agree  for  his  victual,  for  he'd  have  no  more  ordinaries. 
Why  ?  says  he,  I  am  sure  I  paid  you  an  ordinary  price. 

145.  The  extravagant  Duke  of  Buckingham  (Villiers) 
once  said  in  a  melancholy  humour,  he  was  afraid  he 
should  die  a  beggar,  which  was  the  most  terrible  thing 
in  the  world ;  upon  which  a  friend  of  his  grace  replied, 
'No^  my  lord,  there  is  a  more  terrible  thing  than  that, 
and  Avhich  you  have  reason  to  fear,  and  that  is,  that  you 
will  live  a  begfofar. 


'o&^ 


146.  The  same  noble  Duke,  another  time,  was  making 
his  complaint  to  Sir  John  Cutler,  a  rich  miser,  of  the  dis- 
order of  his  affairs,  and  asked  him  what  he  should  do  to 
prevent  the  ruin  of  his  estate  ?  Live  as  I  do,  my  lord, 
said  Sir  John.  That  I  can  do,  answered  the  duke,  when 
I  am  ruined. 

147.  At  another  time  a  person  who  had  long  been  a 
dependant  on  His  Grace,  begged  his  interest  for  him  at 
court ;  and  to  press  the  thing  more  home  upon  the 
duke,  said,  he  had  nobody  to  depend  upon  but  God  and 
His  Grace.  Then,  said  the  duke,  you  are  in  a  miserable 
way ;  for  you  could  not  have  pitched  upon  any  two  per- 
sons who  have  less  interest  at  court. 


JOE  miller's  jeSts.  29 

148.  The  old  Lord  Strangford  taking  a  bottle  with  the 
parson  of  the  parish,  was  commending  his  own  wine : 
Here,  doctor,  said  he,  I  can  send  a  couple  of  ho-lio- 
hoiinds  to  Fra-Fra-France  (for  his  lordship  had  a  great 
impediment  in  his  speech)  and  have  a  ho-ho-hogs-head 
of  this  wine  for  them :  What  do  you  say  to  that,  doc- 
tor? Why,  replied  he,  I  say,  that  your  lordship  has 
your  wine  dog  cheap. 

149.  The  famous  Jack  Ogle  of  facetious  memory, 
having  borrowed  on  note  five  pounds,  and  failing  tlie 
payment,  the  gentleman  who  had  lent  it,  indiscreetly 
took  occasion  to  talk  of  it  in  the  public  coffee-house, 
which  obliged  Jack  to  take  notice  of  it,  so  that  it  came 
to  a  challenge.  Being  got  into  the  field,  the  gentleman, 
a  little  tender  in  point  of  courage,  offered  him  the  note 
to  make  the  matter  up,  to  which  our  hero  consented 
readily,  and  had  the  note  delivered.  But  now,  said  the 
gentleman,  if  we  should  return  without  fighting,  our 
companions  will  laugh  at  us ;  therefore,  let's  give  one 
another  a  slight  scar,  and  say  we  wounded  one  another. 
With  all  my  heart,  says  Jack ;  come,  I'll  wound  you 
first;  so  drawing  his  sword,  he  whipt  it  through  the 
fleshy  part  of  his  antagonist's  arm,  till  he  brought  the 
very  tears  in  his  eyes.  This  being  done,  and  the  wound 
tied  up  with  a  handkerchief:  Come,  said  the  gentleman, 
where  shall  I  wound  you  ?  Jack  putting  himself  in  a 
fighting  posture,  cried.  Where  you  can,  good  sir.  Well, 
well,  said  the  other,  I  can  swear  I  received  this  wound 
of  you ;  and  so  marched  oflT  contentedly. 

150.  A  traveller  coming  into  an  inn  once,  on  a  very  cold 
night,  stood  so  near  the  fire  that  he  burned  his  boots. 
An  arch  rogue  that  sat  in  the  chimney  corner,  called  out 
to  him.  Sir,  you'll  burn  your  spurs  presently.  My  boots 
you  mean,  I  suppose  ?  No,  sir,  said  he,  they  are  burned 
already. 

151.  In  eighty-eight,  when  Queen  Elizabeth  went  from 
Temple  Bar  along  Fleet  Street,  on  some  procession,  the 
lawyers  were  ranged  on  one  side  of  the  way,  and  the 
citizens  on  the  other ;  says  the  Lord  Bacon,  then  a  stu- 


30  JOE   MILLER  S   JESTS. 

dent,  to  a  lawyer  that  stood  next  to  him,  Do  but  observe 
the  courtiers  ;  if  they  bow  first  to  the  citizens,  they  are 
in  debt ;  if  to  us,  they  are"  in  law. 

152.  Some  gentlemen  having  a  hare  for  supper  at  a 
tavern,  the  cook,  instead  of  a  pudding,  had  crammed 
the  belly  full  of  thyme,  but  had  not  above  half  roasted 
the  hare,  the  legs  being  almost  raw ;  which  one  of  the 
company  observing,  said.  There  was  too  much  thyme 
(time)  in  the  belly,  and  too  little  in  the  legs. 

153.  Two  countrymen,  Avho  had  never  seen  a  play  in 
their  lives,  nor  had  any  notion  of  it,  went  to  the  theatre 
in  Drury  Lane,  when  they  placed  themselves  snug  in  the 
corner  of  the  middle  gallery  ;  the  first  music  played, 
which  they  liked  well  enough  ;  then  the  second  and 
third,  to  their  great  satisfaction :  at  length  the  curtain 
drew  up,  and  three  or  four  actors  entered  to  begin  the 
play ;  upon  which  one  of  the  countrymen  cried  to  tlie 
other,  Come,  Hodge,  let's  be  going,  mayhap  the  gentle- 
men are  talking  about  business. 

154.  A  countryman  sowing  his  ground,  two  smart  fel- 
lows riding  that  way,  called  to  him  with  an  insolent  air, 
Well,  honest  fellow,  said  one  of  them,  'tis  your  business 
to  sow,  but  we  reap  the  fruits  of  your  labour.  To 
which  the  countryman  replied,  'Tis  very  likely  you  may, 
truly ;  for  I  am  sowing  hemp. 

155.  Two  inseparable  comrades  who  rode  in  the 
guards  in  Flanders,  had  everything  in  common  between 
them.  One  of  them  being  an  extravagant  fellow,  and 
unfit  to  be  trusted  with  money,  the  other  was  always 
purse-bearer,  which  yet  he  gained  little  by,  for  the  for- 
mer would  at  night  frequently  pick  his  pocket  to  the  last 
stiver  ;  to  j)i'event  which,  he  bethought  himself  of  a 
stratagem  ;  and  coming  among  his  companions  the  next 
day,  he  told  them  he  had  bit  his  comrade.  Ah,  how  ? 
said  they.  Why,  replied  he,  I  hid  my  money  in  his  own 
pocket  last  night,  and  I  was  sure  he  would  never  look 
for  it  there. 

156.  The  famous  Sir  George  Rook,  when  he  was  a 
captain  in  the  marines,  was  quartered  at  a  village  where 


JOE  miller's  jests.  31 

he  buried  a  pretty  many  of  bis  men  ;  at  lengtb  the  par- 
son refused  to  perform  tbe  ceremony  of  tbeir  interment 
unless  he  was  paid  for  it ;  which  being  told  Captain 
Rook,  he  ordered  six  men  of  his  company  to  carry  the 
corpse  of  the  soldier  then  dead,  and  lay  him  upon  the 
parson's  hall-table.  This  so  embarrassed  the  parson, 
that  he  sent  the  captain  word,  if  he  would  fetch  the  man 
away,  he  would  bury  him  and  all  his  company  for  noth- 
ing. 

157.  A  reverend  and  charitable  divine,  for  the  benefit 
of  the  country  where  he  resided,  caused  a  large  cause- 
way to  be  begun  ;  and  as  he  was  one  day  overlooking 
the  work,  a  certain  nobleman  came  by:  Well,  doctor, 
said  he,  for  all  your  great  pains  and  charity,  I  don't  take 
this  to  be  the  highway  to  heaven.  Very  true,  re^^lied 
the  doctor,  for  if  it  had,  I  should  have  wondered  to 
have  met  your  lordship  here. 

158.  Two  Jesuits  having  packed  together  an  innume- 
rable parcel  of  miraculous  lies,  a  person  who  heard 
them,  without  taking  upon  him  to  contradict  them,  told 
them  one  of  his  own  :  That  at  St.  Alban's  there  was  a 
stone  cistern,  in  which  Avater  was  always  preserved  for 
the  use  of  that  saint,  and  that  ever  since,  if  a  swine 
should  drink  out  of  it,  he  would  instantly  die.  The  Jes- 
uits, hugging  themselves  at  the  story,  set  out  the  next 
day  to  St.  Alban's,  where  they  found  themselves  misera- 
bly deceived.  On  their  return,  they  upbraided  the  per- 
son with  telling  them  so  monstrous  a  story.  Look  you 
there  now,  said  he,  you  told  me  a  hundred  lies  t'other 
night,  and  I  had  more  breeding  than  to  contradict  you  : 
I  told  you  but  one,  and  you  have  rid  twenty  miles  to 
confute  me,  which  is  very  uncivil. 

159.  A  Welchman  and  an  Englishman  vapouring  one 
day  at  the  fruitfulness  of  their  countries,  the  English- 
man said,  there  was  a  close  near  the  town  where  he  was 
born,  which  was  so  very  fertile,  that  if  a  kiboo  was 
thrown  in  overnight,  it  Avould  be  so  covered  with  grass 
that  it  should  be  difficult  to  find  it  the  next  day.  Splut, 
said  the  Welchman,  what's  that  ?    There's  a  close  where 


32  JOE  miller's  jests. 

hnr  was  born,  where  yon  may  pnt  yonr  liorse  in  over- 
night, and  not  be  able  to  find  him  next  morning. 

160.  A  conntry  fellow  in  Charles  the  Second's  time, 
selling  his  load  of  hay  in  the  Haymarket,  two  gentlemen 
who  came  out  of  the  Blue  Posts,  were  talking  of  aifliirs ; 
one  said,  that  things  did  not  go  right,  the  king  had  been 
at  the  house  and  prorogued  the  parliament.  The  coun- 
tryman coming  home,  was  asked.  What  news  in  London  ? 
Odd's  heart,  said  he,  there's  something  to  do  there,  the 
king  has,  it  seems,  berogued  the  parliament  sadly. 

161.  A  wild  young  gentleman  having  married  a  very 
discreet,  virtuous  young  lady,  the  better  to  reclaim  him, 
she  cansed  it  to  be  given  out  at  his  return  that  she  was 
dead,  and  had  been  buried.  In  the  meantime,  she  had 
so  placed  herself  in  disguise,  as  to  be  able  to  observe 
how  he  took  the  news  ;  and  finding  him  still  the  gay,  in- 
constant man  he  always  had  been,  she  appeared  to  him 
as  the  ghost  of  herself,  at  which  he  seemed  not  at  all 
dismayed;  at  length,  disclosing  herself  to  him,  he  then 
appeared  pretty  much  surprised  ;  a  person  by  said,  Why, 
sir,  you  seem  more  afraid  now  than  before  !  Ay,  re- 
plied he,  most  men  are  more  afraid  of  a  living  wife  than 
of  a  dead  one. 

162.  An  under  officer  of  the  Customs  at  the  port  of 
Liverpool,  running  heedlessly  along  the  ship's  gunnel, 
happened  to  tip  overboard,  and  was  drowned ;  being 
soon  after  taken  np,  the  coroner's  jury  was  summoned 
to  sit  npon  the  body.  One  of  the  jurymen  returning 
liome,  was  called  to  by  an  alderman  of  the  town,  and 
asked,  what  verdict  they  brought  in,  and  Avhether  they 
found  \tfelo  de  sef  Ay,  ay,  says  the  juryman,  shaking 
his  noddle,  he  fell  into  the  sea,  sure  enough. 

163.  One  losing  a  bag  of  money  of  about  50^.  between 
the  Temple  Gate  and  Temple  Bar,  fixed  a  paper  np,  of- 
fering 10^.  reward  to  those  wdio  took  it  up,  and  should 
return  it ;  upon  which  the  person  that  had  it,  came  and 
writ  nnderneath  to  the  following  effect  :  Sir,  I  thank 
yon,  bnt  you  bid  me  to  my  loss. 

164.  Two  brothers  coming  to  be  executed  once  for 


JOE  miller's  jests.  33 

some  enormous  crime,  the  eldest  was  turned  off  first, 
without  speaking  one  word  ;  the  other  mounting  the 
ladder,  began  to  harangue  the  crowd,  whose  ears  were 
attentively  open  to  hear  him,  expecting  some  confes- 
sion from  him.  Good  people,  says  he,  my  brother  hangs 
before  my  fiice,  and  you  see  what  a  lamentable  spectacle 
he  makes ;  in  a  few  moments  I  shall  be  turned  oif  too, 
and  then  you  will  see  a  pair  of  spectacles. 

165.  It  was  an  usual  saying  of  King  Charles  II.,  that  sail- 
ors got  their  money  like  horses,  and  spent  it  like  asses. 
The  following  story  is  somewhat  an  instance  of  it ;  one 
sailor  coming  to  see  another  on  pay-day,  desired  to 
borrow  twenty  shillings  of  him.  The  monied  man  fell  to 
telling  out  the  sum  in  shillings,  but  a  half-crown  thrusting 
its  head  in,  put  him  out,  and  he  began  to  tell  again ;  but 
then  an  impertinent  crown-piece  was  as  officious  as  his 
half  brother  had  been,  and  again  interrupted  the  tale ; 
so  that  taking  uj)  a  handful  of  silver,  he  cried.  Here, 
Jack,  give  me  a  handful  when  your  ship's  paid ;  what 
signifies  counting  it  ? 

166.  A  person  inquiring  what  became  of  Such-a-one  ? 
Oh,  dear,  says  one  of  the  company,  poor  fellow,  he  died 
insolvent,  and  was  buried  by  the  parish.  Died  insol- 
vent !  cries  another,  that's  a  lie,  for  he  died  in  England : 
I  am  sure,  I  was  at  his  burying. 

167.  A  humorous  countryman  having  bought  a  barn  in 
partnership  with  a  neighbor  of  his,  neglected  to  make  the 
least  use  of  it,  whilst  the  other  had  plentifully  stored  his 
part  with  corn  and  hay.  In  a  little  time  the  latter  came 
to  him,  and  conscientiously  expostulated  with  him  about 
laying  out  his  money  so  fruitlessly.  Pray  neighbour, 
says  he,  ne'er  trouble  your  head,  you  may  do  what  you 
w^ill  with  your  part  of  the  barn,  but  I  will  set  mine  o' 
fire. 

168.  A  young  gentlewoman,  who  had  married  a  very 
wild  spark,  that  had  run  through  a  plentiful  fortune,  and 
was  reduced  to  some  straits,  was  innocently  saying  to 
him  one  day.  My  dear,  I  want  some  shifts  sadly.  How 
can  that  be  ?  replied  he,  when  we  make  so  many  every 
day. 


Si  JOE  miller's  jests. 

169.  A  fellow  once  standing  in  the  pillory  at  Temple 
Bar,  it  occasioned  a  stop,  so  that  a  carman  with  a  load 
of  cheeses  had  much  ado  to  pass  ;  and  driving  just  up 
to  the  pillory,  he  was  asked,  What  that  was  that  was 
writ  over  the  person's  head  ?  They  told  him,  it  was  a 
paper  to  signify  his  crime,  that  he  stood  for  forgery. 
Ay  !  said  he.  What  is  forgery?  They  answered  him. 
That  forgery  was  counterfeiting  another's  hand,  with  in- 
tent to  cheat  people.  To  which  the  carman  replied, 
looking  up  at  the  offender.  Oh,  this  comes  of  your  writ- 
ing and  reading,  you  silly  dog. 

170.  When  the  Prince  of  Orange  came  over,  five  of 
the  seven  bishops  who  were  sent  to  the  Tower,  declared 
for  his  highness,  and  the  two  others  would  not  come 
into  measures ;  upon  which,  Mr.  Dryden  said,  that  the 
seven  Golden  Candlesticks  were  sent  to  be  assayed  at 
the  Tower,  and  five  of  them  proved  to  be  prince's  metal. 

171.  A  dog  coming  open-mouthed  at  a  serjeant  on  a 
march,  he  ran  the  spear  of  his  halbert  into  his  throat  and 
killed  him.  The  owner  coming  out,  raved  extremely 
that  his  dog  was  killed,  and  asked  the  serjeant,  Why  he 
could  not  as  well  have  struck  at  him  witli  the  blunt  end 
of  the  halbert  ?  So  I  would,  said  he,  if  he  had  run  at 
me  with  his  tail. 

172.  King  Charles  II.  being  in  company  with  Lord 
Rochester  and  others  of  the  nobility,  who  had  been 
drinking  best  part  of  the  night,  Killigrew  came  in. 
Now,  says  the  king,  we  shall  hear  of  our  faults.  No, 
faith,  says  Killigrew,  I  don't  care  to  trouble  my  head 
with  that  which  all  the  town  talks  of. 

173.  One,  who  had  been  a  very  termagant  wife,  lying 
on  her  death-bed,  desired  her  husband.  That  as  she 
had  brought  him  a  fortune,  she  might  have  liberty  to 
make  her  will,  for  bestowing  a  few  legacies  to  her  rela- 
tions. No,  madam,  says  he,  you  have  had  your  will  all 
your  lifetime,  and  now  I  will  have  mine. 

174.  When  the  Lord  Jeffries,  before  he  was  a  judge, 
was  pleading  at  the  bar  once,  a  country  fellow  giving 


JOE  miller's  jests.  35 

evidence  against  his  client,  pnsliecl  the  matter  very  home 
on  the  side  he  swore  of.  Jeffries,  after  his  usnal  way, 
called  out  to  the  fellow.  Hark  you,  you  fellow  in  the 
leather  doublet,  what  have  you  for  swearing  ?  To  which 
the  countryman  smartly  replied.  Faith,  sir,  if  you  have 
no  more  for  lying  than  I  have  for  swearing,  you  may  go 
in  a  leather  doublet  too. 

175.  The  same  Jeffries  afterward  on  the  bench,  told 
an  old  fellow  with  a  long  beard,  that  he  supposed  he  had 
a  conscience  as  long  as  his  beard.  Does  your  lordship, 
replied  the  old  man,  measure  consciences  by  beards  ?  If 
so,  your  lordship  has  no  beard  at  all. 

176.  Apelles,  the  famous  painter,  having  drawn  the 
picture  of  Alexander  the  Gi-eat  on  horseback,  brought  it 
and  presented  it  to  the  prince  ;  but  he  not  bestowing  that 
praise  on  it  which  so  excellent  a  piece  deserved,  Apelles 
desired  a  living  horse  might  be  brought ;  who,  moved 
by  nature,  fell  a  j^rancing  and  neighing,  as  though  it  had 
been  actually  a  living  creature  of  the  same  species  ; 
whereupon  Apelles  told  Alexander,  That  his  horse  un- 
derstood painting  better  than  himself. 

177.  A  company  of  gamesters  falling  out  at  a  tavern, 
gave  one  another  very  scurvy  language  ;  at  length,  those 
dreadful  messengers  of  anger,  the  bottles  and  glasses, 
flew  about  like  hail  shot ;  one  of  which  mistaking  its  er- 
rand, and  hitting  the  wainscot  instead  of  the  person's 
head  it  was  thrown  at,  brought  the  drawer  rushing  in, 
who  cried,  D'ye  call,  gentlemen  ?  Call  gentjemen,  said 
one  of  the  standers  by,  no,  they  don't  call  gentlemen,  but 
they  call  one  another  rogue  and  rascal  as  fast  as  they 
can. 

178.  One  observing  a  crooked  fellow  in  close  argu- 
ment with  another,  who  would  have  dissuaded  him  from 
some  inconsiderable  resolution,  said  to  his  friend,  Prithee 
let  him  alone,  and  say  no  more  to  him,  you  see  he's  bent 
upon  it. 

179.  Bully  Dawson  was  overturned  in  a  hackney- 
coach  once,  pretty^ near  his  lodgings;  and  being  got  on 


80 

his  legs  again,  he  said,  'Twas  the  greatest  piece  of  provi- 
dence that  ever  befell  hira,  for  it  had  saved  him  the  trou- 
ble of  bilking  the  coachman. 

180.  Sir  Godfrey  Kneller  and  the  late  Dr.  Ratcliffe 
had  a  garden  in  common,  with  a  common  gate  :  Sir  God- 
frey upon  some  occasion,  ordered  the  gate  to  be  nailed 
up.  When  the  doctor  heard  of  it,  he  said  he  did  not 
care  what  Sir  Godfrey  did  to  the  gate,  so  he  did  not 
paint  it.  This  being  told  Sir  Godfrey,  he  replied  he 
would  take  that,  or  anything  else,  from  his  good  friend 
Dr.  Ratcliffe,  but  his  physic. 

181.  A  certain  worthy  gentleman  having  among  his 
friends  the  nickname  of  Bos,  which  was  a  kind  of  con- 
traction of  his  real  name  ;  when  his  late  majesty  confer- 
red the  honour  of  a  peerage  upon  him,  a  pamphlet  was 
soon  after  published,  with  many  sarcastical  jokes  upon 
him,  and  had  this  part  of  a  line  from  Horace  as  a  motto, 
viz.,  "  02:)tat  epipipa  BosP  My  lord  asked  a  friend 
who  could  read  Latin,  What  that  meant  ?  It  is  as  much 
as  to  say,  my  lord,  said  he,  that  you  become  honours  as 
a  sow  does  a  saddle.  Oh !  very  fine !  said  my  lord.  Soon 
after,  another  friend  coming  to  see  him,  the  pamphlet 
was  again  spoken  of  I  would,  says  my  lord,  give  five 
hundred  pounds  to  know  the  author  of  it.  I  don't  know 
the  author  of  the  pamphlet,  said  his  friend,  but  I  know 
who  wrote  the  motto.  Ay,  cried  my  lord,  prithee  who 
was  it  ?  Horace,  answered  the  other.  How,  replied 
his  lordship,  a  dirty  dog,  is  that  the  return  he  makes  for 
all  the  services  I  have  done  him  and  his  brother  ? 

182.  In  the  great  dispute  between  South  and  Sherlock, 
the  former,  who  was  a  great  courtier,  said.  His  adversary 
reasoned  well,  but  he  barked  like  a  cur.  To  which  the 
other  replied,  That  fawning  was  the  property  of  a  cur  as 
w^ell  as  barking. 

183.  Second  thoughts,  we  commonly  say,  are  best,  and 
young  women,  wlio  pretend  to  be  averse  to  marriage, 
desire  not  to  be  taken  at  their  words.  One  asking  a 
girl,  If  she  would  have  him  ?  Faith,  no,  John,  says  she, 
but  you  may  have  me,  if  you  will.     - 


JOE  miller's  jests.  37 

184.  A  gentleman  lying  on  his  death-bed,  called  to  his 
coachman,  who  had  been  an  old  servant,  and  said.  Ah, 
Tom,  I  am  going  a  long  and  rngged  journey,  worse  than 
ever  you  drove  me.  Oh,  dear  sir,  replied  the  fellow, 
(he  having  been  but  an  indifterent  master  to  him,)  ne'er 
let  that  discourage  you,  for  it  is  all  down  hill. 

185.  An  honest  bluff  country  farmer,  meeting  the  par- 
son of  the  parish  in  a  bye  lane,  and  not  giving  him  the 
way  so  readily  as  he  expected,  the  parson  with  an  erect- 
ed crest,  told  him  he  was  better  fed  than  taught.  Yery 
true,  indeed,  sir,  replied  the  farmer,  for  you  teach  me, 
and  I  feed  myself. 

186.  One  making  a  furious  assault  upon  a  hot  apple 
pie,  burned  his  mouth  until  the  tears  ran  down,  his  friend 
asked  him.  Why  he  wept  ?  Only,  said  he,  because  it  is 
just  come  into  my  mind,  that  my  grandmother  died  this 
day  twelvemonth.  Phoo,  said  the  other,  is  that  all  ?  so 
whipping  a  large  piece  into  his  mouth,  he  quickly  sym- 
I)athized  with  his  companion  ;  who  seeing  his  eyes  brim 
full,  with  a  malicious  sneer,  asked  him  Avhy  he  wept  ? 
Because  you  were  not  hanged  the  same  day  your  grand- 
mother died. 

187.  A  lady  who  had  married  a  gentleman  that  was  a 
tolerable  poet,  one  day  sitting  alone  with  him,  she 
said.  Come,  my  dear,  you  write  upon  other  people, 
prithee  write  something  for  me  ;  let  me  see  what  epitaph 
you'll  bestow  upon  me  when  I  die.  Oh,  my  dear,  re- 
phed  he,  that's  a  melancholy  subject,  prithee  don't  think 
of  it.  Nay,  upon  my  life  you  shall,  adds  she.  Come, 
I'll  begin — 

Here  lies  Bid- 
To  which  he  answered. 

Ah  !  I  wish  she  did. 

188.  A  cowardly  servant  having  been  hunting  with 
his  lord,  they  had  killed  a  wild  boar  ;  the  fellow  seeing 
the  boar  stir,  betook  himself  to  a  tree  ;  upon  which  his 
master  called  to  him,  and  asked  him  What  he  was  afraid 
of?  the  boar's  guts  are  out.  No  matter  for  that,  said 
he,  his  teeth  are  in. 


38  JOE  miller's  jests. 

189.  One  telling  another  that  he  had  once  so  excellent 
a  gun,  that  it  went  off  immediately  upon  a  thief's  coming 
into  the  house,  although  it  was  not  charged.  How  the 
devil  can  that  be  ?  said  the  other.  Because,  said  the 
first,  the  thief  carried  it  off;  and  what  was  worse,  before 
I  had  time  to  charge  him  with  it. 

190.  Some  gentlemen  coming  out  of  a  tavern  pretty 
merry,  a  link-boy  cried,  Have  a  light,  gentlemen  ?  Light 
yourself  to  the  devil,  you  dog,  said  one  of  the  company. 
Bless  you,  master,  replied  the  boy,  we  can  find  tlie  way 
in  the  dark ;  shall  we  light  your  worship  thither  ? 

191.  A  person  was  once  tried  at  Kingston  before  the 
late  Lord  Chief  Justice  Holt,  for  having  two  wives,  where 
one  Unit  was  to  have  been  tlie  chief  evidence  against 
him.  After  much  calling  for  him,  word  was  brought  that 
they  could  hear  nothing  of  him.  No !  says  his  lordship, 
why  then,  all  I  can  say  is,  Mr.  Unit  stands  for  a  cipher. 

192.  It  is  certainly  the  most  transcendent  pleasure  to 
be  agreeably  surprised  with  the  confession  of  love  from 
an  adored  mistress.  A  young  gentleman,  after  a  very 
great  misfortune,  came  to  his  mistress,  and  told  her,  he 
Avas  reduced  even  to  the  want  of  five  guineas.  To  which 
she  replied,  I  am  glad  of  it,  with  all  my  heart.  Are  you 
so,  madam  ?  adds  he,  suspecting  her  constancy :  Pray, 
why  so  ?  Because,  said  she,  I  can  furnish  you  with  five 
thousand. 

193.  On  a  public  night  of  rejoicing,  when  bonfires  and 
illuminations  were  made,  some  honest  fellows  were  drink- 
ing the  king's  health,  and  prosperity  to  England  as  long 
as  the  sun  and  moon  endured.  Ay,  says  one,  and  500 
years  after,  for  I  have  put  both  my  sons  apprentices  to  a 
tallow-chandler. 

194.  A  young  fellow  having  made  an  end  of  all  he  had, 
even  to  his  last  suit  of  clothes,  one  said  to  him,  Now,  I 
hope,  you'll  own  yourself  a  happy  man,  for  you  have  made 
an  end  of  all  your  cares.  How  so  ?  said  the  gentleman. 
Because,  said  the  other,  you  have  nothing  left  to  take 
care  of. 


JOE   MILLER'S   JESTS.  89 

195.  Dr.  Lloyd,  Bishop  of  Worcester,  so  eminent  for 
his  prophecies,  when  by  his  solicitations  find  compliance 
at  court,  he  got  removed  from  a  poor  AVelsh  bishopric, 
to  a  rich  English  one,  a  reverend  Dean  of  the  church 
said,  that  he  found  his  brother  Lloyd  spelt  prophet  witli 
an/. 

196.  Some  years  ago,  when  his  majesty  used  to  hunt 
frequently  in  Richmond  Park,  it  brought  such  crowds  of 
people  thither,  that  orders  Avere  given  to  admit  none, 
when  the  king  was  there  himself,  but  the  servants  of  his 
household.  A  fat  country  parson  having  on  one  of  these 
days  a  great  inclination  to  make  one  of  the  company, 
Captain  B — d — ns  promised  to  introduce  him ;  but  com- 
ing to  the  gate,  the  keepers  would  have  stopped  him,  by 
telling  him  that  none  but  the  household  were  to  be  ad- 
mitted. Why,  said  the  captain,  don't  you  know  the  gen- 
tleman ?  He's  his  majesty's  hunting  chaplain.  Upon 
which,  the  keepers  asked  pardon,  and  left  the  reverend 
gentleman  to  his  recreation. 

197.  The  learned  Mr.  Charles  Barnard,  serjeant-sur- 
geon  to  Queen  Anne,  being  very  severe  upon  parsons 
having  pluralities,  a  reverend  and  worthy  divine  heard 
him  a  good  while  with  patience,  but  at  length  took  him 
up  with  this  question:  Why  do  you,  Mr.  Serjeant  Barn- 
ard, rail  thus  at  pluralities,  who  have  always  so  many 
fine  cures  upon  your  hands  ? 

198.  A  worthy  old  gentleman  in  the  country  having 
employed  an  attorney,  of  whom  he  had  a  pretty  good 
opinion,  to  do  some  law  business  for  him  in  London,  he 
was  greatly  surprised,  on  his  coming  to  town,  and  de- 
manding his  bill  of  law  charges,  to  find  that  it  amounted 
to  at  least  three  times  the  sum  he  expected ;  the  honest 
attorney  assured  him,  that  there  was  no  article  in  his 
bill,  but  what  was  fiiir  and  reasonable.  Nay,  said  the 
country  gentleman,  there's  one  of  them  I  am  sure  cannot 
be  so,  for  you  have  set  down  three  shillings  and  four- 
pence  for  going  to  Southwark,  when  none  of  my  busi- 
ness lay  that  way ;  pray,  what  is  the  meaning  of  that, 
sir  ?     Oh,  sir,  said  he,  that  was  for  fetching  the  chine 


40 

and  turkey  from  the  carrier's  that  you  sent  me  for  a  pres- 
ent out  of  the  country. 

199.  A  gentleman  going  into  a  meeting-house,  and 
stumbling  over  one  of  the  forms  that  were  set  there,  cried 
out  in  a  passion.  Who  expected  set  forms  in  a  meeting- 
house ? 

200.  My  Lord  Chief  Justice  Jeffries  had  a  cause  before 
him  between  a  Jew  that  was  plaintiff,  and  a  Christian, 
defendant.  The  latter  pleaded,  thougli  the  debt  Avas  very 
just,  that  the  Jew  had  no  right,  by  the  laws  of  England, 
to  bring  an  action.  Well,  says  my  lord,  have  you  no 
other  plea  ?  I^o,  my  lord,  says  h'e,  I  insist  on  this  plea. 
Do  you  ?  said  my  lord,  then  let  me  tell  you,  you  are  the 
greater  Jew  of  the  two. 

201.  A  butcher  in  Smithfield,  that  lay  on  his  death- 
bed, said  to  his  wife.  My  dear,  I  am  not  a  man  for  this 
world,  therefore  I  advise  you  to  marry  our  man  John. 
Oh,  dear  husband,  said  she,  if  that's  all,  never  let  it 
trouble  you,  for  John  and  I  have  agreed  that  matter 
already. 

202.  A  gentleman  haviug  bespoke  a  supper  at  an  inn, 
desired  his  landlord  to  sup  with  him.  The  host  came  up, 
and  thinking  to  pay  a  greater  compliment  than  ordinary 
to  his  guest,  pretended  to  find  fiiult  with  the  laying  the 
cloth,  and  took  the  plates  and  knives,  and  threw  them 
down  stairs.  The  gentleman  resolving  not  to  balk  his 
humour,  threw  the  bottles  and  glasses  down  also ;  at 
which  the  host  being  surprised,  inquired  the  reason  of 
his  so  doing.  Nay,  nothing,  replied  the  gentleman ;  but 
when  I  saw  you  throw  the  plates  and  knives  down  stairs, 
I  thought  you  had  a  mind  to  sup  below. 

203.  A  philosopher  carrying  something  hid  under  his 
cloak,  an  impertinent  person  asked  him  what  he  had  un- 
der his  cloak?  To  which  the  philosopher  answered,  I 
carry  it  there  that  you  might  not  know. 

204.  When  his  late  majesty,  in  coming  from  Holland, 
happened  to  meet  with  a  violent  storm  at  sea,  the  captain 
of  the  yacht  cried  to  the  chaplain,  In  five  minutes  more, 


JOE  miller's  jests.  41 

doctor,  we  shall  be  with  the   Lord.     The  Lord  forbid, 
answered  the  doctor. 

205.  A  gentleman,  who  had  been  a  great  traveller, 
would  oftentimes  talk  so  extravagantly  of  the  wonderful 
things  he  had  seen  abroad,  that  a  friend  of  his  took 
notice  to  him  of  his  exposing  himself  as  lie  did  to  all  com- 
panies, and  asked  him  the  meaning  of  it  ?  Why,  says 
the  traveller,  I  have  got  such  a  habit  of  lying  since  I 
have  been  abroad,  that  I  really  hardly  know  when  I  lie, 
and  when  I  speak  truth  ;  and  should  be  very  much 
obliged  to  you,  if  you  would  tread  upon  my  toe  at  any 
time  when  I  am  likely  to  give  myself  too  much  liberty 
that  Avay.  His  friend  promised  he  would  ;  and  accord- 
ingly, not  long  after,  being  at  a  tavern  with  him  and 
other  company,  when  the  traveller  was,  amongst  other 
strange  things,  giving  an  account  of  a  church  he  had  seen 
in  Italy,  that  was  above  two  miles  long,  he  trod  on  his 
toe,  just  as  one  of  the  company  had  asked.  How  broad 
that  same  church  might  be  ?  Oh,  said  he,  not  above  two 
feet.  Upon  which,  the  company  bursting  into  a  loud 
laugh  ;  Zounds,  said  he,  if  you  had  not  trod  upon  my 
toe,  I  should  have  made  it  as  broad  as  it  was  long. 

206.  A  justice  of  peace  seeing  a  parson  on  a  very 
stately  horse,  riding  between  London  and  Hampstead, 
said  to  some  gentlemen  who  were  with  him.  Do  you  see 
what  a  beautiful  horse  that  proud  parson  has  got  ?  I'll 
banter  him  a  little.  Doctor,  said  he,  you  don't  follow 
the  example  of  your  great  master,  who  was  humbly  con- 
tent to  ride  upon  an  ass.  Why  really,  sir,  replied  the 
parson,  the  king  has  made  so  many  asses  justices,  that 
an  honest  clergyman  can  hardly  find  one  to  ride,  if  lie 
had  a  mind  to. 

207.  The  Duchess  of  N'ewcastle,  who  wrote  plays  and 
romances,  in  King  Charles  the  Second's  time,  asked 
Bishop  Wilkins,  Plow  she  could  get  up  to  the  world  in 
the  moon,  which  he  had  discovered  ;  for  as  the  journey 
must  needs  be  very  long,  there  would  be  no  possibility 
of  going  through  it,  without  resting  on  the  way?  Oh, 
madam,  said  the  bishop,  your  grace  has  built  so  many 


42  JOE  miller's  jests. 

castles  in  the  air,  that  you  can  never  want  a  place  to 
bait  at. 

208.  A  rich  farmer's  son,  who  had  been  bred  at  the 
University,  coming  home  to  visit  his  father  and  mother, 
they  being  one  night  at  supper  on  a  couple  of  fowls,  he 
told  them,  that  by  Logic  and  Arithmetic,  he  could  prove 
those  two  fowls  to  be  three.  Well,  let  us  hear,  said  the 
old  man.  Why  this,  cried  the  scholar,  is  one,  and  this, 
continued  he,  is  two ;  two  and  one,  you  know,  make 
three.  Since  you  have  made  it  out  so  well,  answered  the 
old  man,  your  mother  shall  have  the  first  fowl,  I  will  have 
the  second,  and  the  third  you  may  keep  yourself  for  your 
great  learning. 

209.  A  gentleman,  who  had  a  suit  in  Chancery,  was 
called  upon  by  his  counsel  to  put  in  his  ansAver,  for  fear 
of  incurring  contempt.  And  why,  said  the  gentleman, 
is  not  my  answer  put  in  ?  How  should  I  draw  your  an- 
swer, cried  the  lawyer,  'till  I  know  what  you  can  swear  ? 
Pshaw,  replied  the  client,  prithee  do  your  part  as  a  law- 
yer, and  draw  a  sufficient  answer,  and  let  me  alone  to  do 
the  part  of  a  gentleman,  and  swear  to  it. 

210.  A  country  lass,  with  a  pail  of  milk  on  her  head 
going  to  market,  was  reckoning  all  the  way,  what  she 
might  make  of  it.  This  milk,  said  she,  will  bring  me  so 
much  money,  that  money  will  buy  so  many  eggs,  those 
eggs  so  many  chickens,  and,  with  the  fox's  leave,  those 
chickens  will  make  me  mistress  of  a  pig,  and  that  pig 
may  grow  a  fixt  hog,  and  when  I  have  sold  that,  I  may 
buy  a  cow  and  calf:  and  then,  says  she,  conies  a  sweet- 
heart, perhaps  a  farmer  ;  him  I  marry,  and  my  neigh- 
bours will  say,  How  do  you  do,  goody  Such-a-one  ?  and 
I'll  answer.  Thank  you,  neighbour,  how  do  you  ?  But 
maybe  my  sweetheart  may  be  a  yeoman,  and  then  it  will 
be,  How  do  you  do,  Mrs,  Such-a-one  ?  I'll  say.  Thank 
you.  Oh  !  but  suppose  I  should  marry  a  .gentleman  ; 
then  they'll  say.  Your  servant,  madam,  but  then  I'll  toss 
up  my  head,  and  say  nothing.  Upon  the  sudden  trans- 
port of  this  thought,  and  with  the  motion  of  her  head, 
down  came  the  milk,  which  put  an  end  at  once  to  her  fine 


43 


sclieme  of  her  eggs,  her  chickens,  her  pig,  her  hog,  and 
her  liusband. 

211.  Daniel  Parcell,  who  was  a  nonjuror,  was  telling  a 
friend  of  his,  when  King  George  the  First  landed  at 
Greenwich,  that  he  had  a  fidl  view  of  him.  Then,  said 
his  friend,  you  know  hini  by  sight  ?  Yes,  replied  Daniel, 
I  think  I  know  him,  but  I  can't  swear  to  him. 

212.  An  Englishman  going  into  one  of  the  French  or- 
dinaries in  Soho,  and  finding  a  large  dish  of  soup  with 
about  lialf-a-pound  of  mutton  in  the  middle  of  it,  began 
to  pull  off  his  wig,  his  stock,  and  then  his  coat ;  at  which 
one  of  the  monsieurs,  being  much  surprised,  asked  him 
what  he  was  going  to  do  ?  Why,  monsieur,  I  mean  to 
strip,  that  I  may  swim  through  this  ocean  of  porridge,  to 
yon  little  island  of  mutton. 

213.  A  countryman  driving  an  ass  by  St.  James's  gate 
one  day,  which  being  dull  and  restive,  he  was  forced,  to 
beat  it  very  much ;  a  gentleman  coming  out  of  the  gate, 
chid  the  fellow  for  using  his  beast  so  cruelly  ;  Oh  dear, 
sir,  said  the  countryman,  I  am  glad  to  find  my  ass  has  a 
friend  at  court. 

214.  One  Irishman  meeting  another,  asked.  What  was 
become  of  their  old  acquaintance  Patrick  Murphy  ?  Ar- 
rah,  now,  dear  honey,  answered  the  other,  poor  Pat  was 
condemned  to  be  hanged ;  but  he  saved  his  life  by  dying 
in  prison. 

215.  Another  Irishman,  getting  on  a  high-mettled 
horse,  it  ran  away  with  him ;  upon  which,  one  of  his 
companions  called  to  him  to  stop  him :  Arrah,  honey, 
cried  he,  how  can  I  do  that,  when  I  have  got  no  spurs  ? 

216.  An  honest  Welch  carpenter,  coming  out  of  Car- 
diganshire, got  work  in  Bristol,  where,  in  a  few  months, 
he  had  saved,  besides  his  expenses,  about  twelve  shillinq-s ; 
and  with  this  prodigious  sum  of  money,  returning  into 
his  own  country,  when  he  came  upon  Mile  Hill,  he  looked 
back  on  the  town  :  Ah,  poor  Pristow,  said  he,  if  one  or 
two  more  of  hur  countrymen  were  to  give  hur  such  an- 
other shake  as  hur  has  done,  it  would  be  poor  Pristow 
indeed. 


44  JOE  miller's  jests. 

217.  It  being  nsked  in  company  with  my  Lord  C — d, 
"whether  the  piers  of  Westminster  bridge  would  be  of 
stone  or  wood,  Oh,  said  my  lord,  of  stone  to  be  sure,  for 
we  have  too  many  wooden  piers  (peers)  already  at  West- 
minster. 

218.  One  telling  Charles  XII.  of  Sweden,  just  before 
the  battle  of  Narva,  that  the  enemy  was  three  to  one  ;  I 
am  glad  to  hear  it,  answered  the  king,  for  then  there  will 
be  enough  to  kill,  enough  to  take  prisoners,  and  enough 
to  run  away. 

219.  A  poor  ingenious  lad,  who  was  a  servitor  at  Ox- 
ford, not  having  wherewithal  to  buy  a  new  pair  of  shoes, 
when  his  old  ones  were  very  bad,  got  them  capped  at 
the  toes,  upon  which  being  bantered  by  some  of  his  com- 
j^anions.  Why  should  they  not  be  capped,  said  he,  I  am 
sure  they  are  Fellows. 

220.  The  standers-by,  to  comfort  a  poor  man,  who  lay 
on  his  death-bed,  told  him,  he  should  be  carried  to  church 
by  four  very  proper  fellows  :  I  thank  ye,  said  he,  but  I 
had  much  rather  go  by  myself. 

221.  When  poor  Daniel  Button  died,  one  of  his  pun- 
ning customers  being  at  his  burial,  and  looking  on  the 
grave,  cried  out,  This  is  a  more  lasting  Button  hole,  than 
any  made  by  a  tailor. 

222.  A  toping  fellow  Avas  one  night  making  his  will 
over  his  bottle  :  I  will  give,  said  he,  fifty  jDOunds  to  five 
taverns,  to  drink  to  my  memory  when  I  am  dead  ;  ten 
pounds  to  the  Salutation  for  courtiers  ;  ten  pounds  to  the 
Castle  for  soldiers  ;  ten  pounds  to  the  Mitre  for  parsons ; 
ten  pounds  to  the  Horn  for  citizens  ;  and  ten  pounds  to 
the  Devil  for  the  lawyers. 

223.  A  gentleman  calling  for  small  beer  at  another 
gentleman's  table,  finding  it  very  hard,  gave  it  the  ser- 
vant again  Avithout  drinking.  What,  said  the  master  of 
the  house,  don't  you  like  the  beer  ?  It  is  not  to  be  found 
fault  Avith,  ansAvered  the  other,  for  one  should  never 
speak  ill  of  the  dead. 

224.  A  certain  lord  who  had  a  termagant  Avife,  and  at 


JOE  miller's  jests.  45 

the  same  time  a  ehaplain  who  was  a  tolerable  poet,  my 
lord  desired  him  to  write  him  a  copy  of  verses  on  a 
shrew.  I  cannot  imagine,  said  the  parson,  why  your 
lordship  should  want  a  copy,  who  have  so  good  an  ori- 
ginal. 

225.  A  parson  in  his  sermon  having  vehemently  in- 
veighed against  usury,  and  said,  That  lending  money 
upon  use  was  as  great  a  sin  as  wilful  murder ;  having 
some  time  after  an  occasion  to  borrow  twenty  pounds 
himself,  and  coming  to  one  of  his  parishioners  with  that 
intent,  the  other  asked  him.  If  he  would  have  him  guilty 
of  a  crime  he  had  spoke  so  much  against,  and  lend  out 
money  upon  use  ?  No,  said  the  parson,  I  would  have 
you  lend  it  gratis.  Ay,  replied  the  other,  but  in  my 
opinion,  if  lending  money  upon  use  be  as  bad  as  wilful 
murder,  lending  it  gratis  can  be  little  better  than  felo 
de  se. 

226.  One  asked  his  friend.  Why  he,  being  so  tall  and 
large  a  man  himself,  had  married  so  small  a  wife,  f  Why, 
friend,  said  he,  I  thought  you  had  known,  thai  of  all 
evils  we  should  choose  the  least. 

227.  A  gentleman  threatening  to  go  to  law,  was  dis- 
suaded from  it  by  his  friends,  who  desired  him  to  con- 
sider, for  the  law  was  chargeable  :  I  don't  care,  replied 
the  other,  I  will  not  consider,  I  will  go  to  law.  Right, 
said  his  friend,  for  if  you  go  to  law,  I  am  sure  you  don't 
consider. 

228.  One  good  housewife,  who  was  a  notable  woman 
at  turning  and  torturing  her  old  rags,  was  recommend- 
ing her  dyer  to  another,  as  an  excellent  fellow  in  his 
way :  That's  impossible,  said  the  other,  for  I  hear  he  is 
a  great  drunkard,  and  beats  his  wife,  and  runs  in  every 
body's  debt.  What  then  ?  said  the  first,  he  may  never 
be  the  worse  dyer  for  all  these  things.  No  !  answered 
the  other,  can  you  imagine  so  bad  a  liver  can  die  well  ? 

229.  A  poor  fellow,  growing  rich  on  a  sudden,  from 
a  very  mean  and  beggarly  condition,  and  taking  great 
state  upon  him,  was  met  one  day  by  one  of  his  poor 


46  JOE  miller's  jests. 

acquaintance,  who  accosted  hiiu  in  a  very  humble  man- 
ner, but  having  no  notice  taken  of  him,  cried  out,  Nay, 
it  is  no  great  wonder  that  you  should  not  know  me,  when 
you  have  forgot  yourself. 

230.  Marcus  Livius,  who  was  governor  of  Tarentum 
when  Hannibal  took  it,  being  envious  to  see  so  much 
honour  done  to  Fabius  Maximus,  said  one  day  in  open 
senate,  that  it  was  himself,  not  Fabius  Maximus,  that 
was  the  cause  of  the  retaking  the  city  of  Tarentum. 
Fabius  said  smilingly,  Indeed  thou  speakest  trutli,  for 
hadst  thou  not  lost  it,  I  should  never  have  retaken  it. 

231.  One  asking  another  which  way  a  man  might 
use  tobacco  to  have  any  benefit  from  it :  By  setting  up  a 
shop  to  sell  it,  said  he,  for  certainly  there  is  no  profit  to 
be  had  from  it  any  other  way. 

232.  Ben  Jonson  being  one  night  at  the  Devil  tavern, 
there  was  a  country  gentleman  in  the  company,  who  in- 
terrupted all  other  discourse,  with  an  account  of  his  land 
and  tenements  ;  at  last  Ben,  able  to  bear  it  no  longer, 
said  to  him,  What  signifies  your  dirt  and  your  clods  to 
us  ?  where  you  have  one  acre  of  land  I  have  ten  acres  of 
wit.  Have  you  so,  said  the  countryman,  good  Mr.  ^yise- 
acre  ?  This  unexpected  repartee  from  the  clown,  struck 
Ben  quite  mute  for  a  time :  Why,  how  now,  Ben,  said 
one  of  the  company,  you  seem  to  be  quite  flung?  I 
never  was  so  pricked  by  a  hobnail  before,  replied  he. 

233.  A  tailor  sent  his  bill  to  a  lawyer  for  money  :  the 
lawyer  bid  the  boy  tell  his  master,  that  he  was  not 
running  away,  but  very  busy  at  that  time.  The  boy 
comes  again,  and  tells  him  he  must  needs  have  the 
money.  Didst  tell  thy  master,  said  the  lawyer,  that  I 
was  not  running  away  ?  Yes,  sir,  answered  the  boy,  but 
he  bad  me  tell  you  that  he  was. 

234.  A  smart  fellow  thinking  to  show  his  wit  one 
night  at  the  tavern,  called  to  the  drawer.  Here,  Mercury, 
said  he,  take  away  tins  bottle  full  of  emptiness.  Said 
one  of  the  company,  Do  you  speak  that,  Jack,  of  your 
own  head  ? 


JOE   MILLER  S   JESTS.  47 

235.  An  extravagant  young  fellow,  rallying  a  frugal 
country  'squire,  who  had  a  good  estate,  and  spent  but 
little  of  it,  said,  among  other  things,  I'll  warrant  you 
that  plate-buttoned  suit  was  your  great-grandfatlier's. 
Yes,  said  the  other,  and  I  have  my  great-grandfather's 
lands  too. 

23G.  A  gentleman  having  sent  for  his  carpenter's  ser- 
vant to  knock  a  nail  or  two  in  his  study,  the  fellow,  after 
he  had  done,  scratched  his  ears,  and  said.  He  hoped  tlie 
gentleman  would  give  him  something  to  make  him 
drink.  Make  you  drink  ?  says  the  gentleman,  there's  a 
pickle  herring  for  you,  and  if  that  won't  make  you  drink 
I'll  give  you  another. 

237.  Alphonso,  king  of  Kaples,  sent  a  moor,  who  had 
been  his  captive  a  long  time,  to  Barbary,  with  a  consid- 
erable sum  of  money  to  purchase  horses,  and  to  return 
by  such  a  time.  There  was  about  the  king  a  buffoon,  or 
jester,  who  had  a  table-book,  wherein  he  used  to  register 
any  remarkable  absurdity  that  happened  at  court.  The 
day  the  moor  was  dispatched  to  Barbary,  the  said  jester 
waiting  on  the  king  at  supper,  the  king  called  for  his 
table-book,  in  which  the  jester  kept  a  regular  journal  of 
absurdities.  The  king  took  the  book,  and  read,  how 
Alphonso,  king  of  Naples,  had  sent  Beltram  the  moor, 
who  had  been  a  long  time  his  prisoner,  to  Morocco,  his 
own  country,  with  so  many  thousand  crowns  to  buy 
horses.  The  king  turned  to  the  jester,  and  asked,  why 
he  inserted  that  ?  Because,  said  he,  I  think  he  will  never 
come  back  to  be  a  prisoner  again  ;  and  so  you  have  lost 
both  man  and  money.  But,  if  he  does  come,  says  the 
king,  then  your  jest  is  marred  :  No,  sir,  replies  the  buf- 
foon, for  if  he  should  return,  I  will  blot  out  your  name, 
and  put  in  his  for  a  fool. 

238.  A  sharper  of  the  town  seeing  a  country  gentle- 
man sit  alone  at  an  inn,  and  thinking  something  might 
be  made  of  him,  he  went  and  sat  near  him,  and  took  the 
liberty  to  drink  to  him.  Having  thus  introduced  him- 
self, he  called  for  a  paper  of  tobacco,  and  said.  Do  you 
smoke,  sir  ?  Yes,  says  the  gentleman,  very  gravely,  any 
one  that  has  a  design  upon  me. 


48  JOE  miller's  jests. 

239.  A  certain  country  farmer  was  observed  never  to 
be  in  a  good  liutnour  when  he  was  hungry  ;  for  this  rea- 
son, his  wife  was  fain  carefully  to  watch  the  time  of  his 
coming  home,  and  always  have  dinner  ready  on  the 
table  ;  one  day  he  surprised  her,  and  she  had  only  time 
to  set  a  mess  of  broth  ready  for  him,  who,  soon,  accord- 
ing to  custom,  began  to  oj^en  his  pipes,  and  maundering 
over  his  broth,  forgetting  what  he  was  about,  burnt  liis 
mouth  to  some  purpose.  The  good  wife  seeing  him  in 
that  sputtering  condition,  comforted  him  as  follows  :  See 
what  it  is  now,  had  you  kept  your  breath  to  cool  your 
pottage,  you  had  not  burnt  your  mouth,  John. 

240.  The  same  woman  taking  up  dinner  once  on  a 
Sunday,  it  happened  that  the  lickerish  plough-boy,  who 
lay  under  a  strong  and  violent  temptation,  pinched  off 
the  corner  of  a  plum  dumpling  ;  which  his  dame  espying, 
in  a  great  rage,  laid  the  wooden  ladle  over  his  pate,  say- 
ing, Can't  you  stay,  sirrah,  till  your  betters  are  served 
before  you  ?  The  boy  clapping  his  hand  on  his  head, 
and  seeing  the  blood  come,  'tis  very  hard,  said  he.  So 
it  is,  sirrah,  said  she,  or  it  had  not  broke  my  ladle. 

241.  Three  gentlemen  being  at  a  tavern,  whose  names 
Avere  Moore,  Strange,  and  Wright :  said  the  last.  There 
is  but  one  knave  in  company,  and  that  is  Strange  :  Yes, 
answered  Strange,  there  is  one  Moore  :  Ay,  said  Moore, 
that's  Wright. 

242.  A  Scotch  bagpiper  travelling  in  Ireland,  opened 
his  wallet  by  a  wood  side,  and  sat  down  to  dinner  ;  no 
sooner  had  he  said  grace,  but  three  wolves  came  about 
him.  To  one  he  threw  bread,  to  another  meat,  till  his 
provender  was  all  gone — At  length  he  took  up  his  bag- 
pipes, and  began  to  play,  at  which  the  wolves  ran  away. 
The  deel  faw  me,  said  Sawney,  an  I  had  kenned  you 
loved  music  so,  you  should  have  had  it  before  dinner. 

243.  Metullus  Nepos,  asking  Cicero,  the  Roman  ora- 
tor, in  a  scoffing  manner.  Who  was  his  father  ?  Cicero 
replied,  Thy  mother  has  made  that  question  harder  for 
thee  to  answer. 

244.  The  archduke  of  Austria  having  been  forced  to 


\ 


JOE  miller's  jests.  49 

raise  the  siege  of  a  town  called  Gi'ave,  in  Holland,  and 
to  retreat  privately  in  the  night ;  Queen  Elizabeth  said 
to  his  secretary  here, — What,  your  master  is  risen  from 
the  grave  without  sound  of  trumpet. 

245.  Soon  after  the  death  of  a  great  officer,  Avho  was 
judged  to  have  been  no  great  advancer  of  the  king's  af- 
fairs, the  king  said  to  his  solicitor  Bacon,  who  was  kins- 
man to  that  lord  :  Now,  Bacon,  tell  me  trwly,  what  say 
you  of  your  cousin  ?  Mr.  Bacon  answered.  Since  your 
Majesty  charges  me  to  speak,  I  will  deal  plainly  with 
you,  and  give  you  such  a  character  of  him,  as  though  I 
was  to  write  his  history.  I  do  think  he  was  no  fit  coun- 
sellor to  have  made  your  afiairs  better,  yet  he  w^as  fit  to 
have  kept  them  from  growing  worse.  On  my  soul, 
quoth  the  king,  in  the  first  thou  sj)eakest  like  a  true  man ; 
and  in  the  latter  like  a  kinsman. 

246.  The  same  king  in  one  of  his  progresses  asked, 
How  far  it  was  to  such  a  town  ?  They  told  him  six 
miles  and  a  half.  Pie  alighted  out  of  his  coach,  and  went 
under  the  shoulder  of  one  of  the  led  horses.  When 
some  asked  his  majesty  what  he  meant  ?  I  must  stalk, 
says  he,  for  yonder  town  is  shy,  and  flies  me. 

247.  Lawyers  and  chambermaids,  said  a  wicked  young 
fellow,  are  like  Balaam's  ass,  they  never  speak  unless 
they  see  an  angel. 

248.  One  being  at  his  wife's  funeral,  and  the  bearers 
going  pretty  quick  along,  he  cried  out  to  them,  Don't  go 
so  fast,  what  need  we  make  a  toil  of  pleasure  ? 

249.  A  country  'squire  being  in  company  with  his 
mistress,  and  wanting  his  servant,  cried  out.  Where  is 
the  blockhead  ?     Upon  your  shoulders,  said  the  lady. 

250.  A  philosopher  being  asked,  why  learned  men  fre- 
quented rich  men's  houses,  but  rich  men  seldom  visited 
the  learned,  answered.  That  the  first  know  what  they 
Avant,  but  the  latter  do  not. 

251.  Among  the  articles  exhibited  to  King  Henry  by 
the  Irish,  against  the  Earl  of  Kildare,  the  last  concluded 
thus  : — And  finally  all  Ireland  cannot  rule  the  earL  Theu 


50  JOE   MILLER  S   JESTS. 

said  the  king,  The  earl  shall  rule  all  Ireland :  and  so 
made  him  de^^uty. 

252.  Plutarch  used  to  say  that  men  of  small  capacities 
put  into  great  places,  like  statues  set  upon  great  pillars, 
are  made  to  appear  the  less  by  their  advancement. 

253.  A  young  fellow  being  told  that  his  mistress  was 
married;  to  convince  him  of  it,  the  young  gentleman 
who  told  him,  said,  he  had  seen  the  bride  and  bride- 
groom. Prithee,  said  the  foi-saken  swain,  do  not  call 
them  by  those  names  ;  I  cannot  bear  it.  Shall  I  call 
them  dog  and  cat  ?  answered  the  other.  Oh,  no,  for 
heaven's  sake,  replied  the  first,  that  sounds  ten  times 
more  like  man  and  wife. 

254.  A  sea  officer,  who  for  his  courage  in  a  former  en- 
gagement, where  he  had  lost  his  leg,  had  been  preferred 
to  the  command  of  a  good  ship ;  in  the  heat  of  the  next 
engagement,  a  cannon-ball  took  off  his  wooden  deputy, 
so  that  he  fell  upon  the  deck :  A  seaman  thinking  he  had 
been  fresh  wounded,  called  out  for  a  surgeon.  No,  no, 
said  the  captain,  the  carpenter  will  do  this  time. 

255.  A  gentleman  saying  he  had  bought  the  stockings 
he  had  on  in  Wales.  Really,  sir,  answered  another,  I 
thought  so,  for  they  seemed  to  be  Well-chose,  i.  e. 
Welch  hose. 

256.  A  nobleman,  in  a  certain  king's  reign,  being  ap- 
pointed groom  of  the  stole,  his  majesty  took  notice  to 
him  of  the  odd  sort  of  perukes  he  used  to  wear,  and  de- 
sired that  he  would  now  get  something  that  was  graver, 
and  more  suitable  to  his  age,  and  the  high  office  he  had 
conferred  on  him.  The  next  Sunday  his  lordship  ap- 
peared at  court  in  a  very  decent  peruke,  which  being  ob- 
served by  another  nobleman,  famous  for  the  art  of  pun- 
ning, he  came  up  to  him,  and  told  him.  That  he  was 
obliged  to  alter  his  locks  now  he  had  got  the  key. 
[*jj,*  The  groom  of  the  stole  wears  a  gold  key,  tied  with 
a  bhie  ribbon,  at  his  left  pocket.] 

257.  A  gentleman  named  Ball  being  about  to  purchase 
a  cornetcy  in  a  regiment  of  horse,  was  presented  to  the 


JOE    DULLER  S    JESTS.  51 

colonel  for  approbation,  who  being  a  nobleman,  declared 
he  did  not  like  the  name,  and  would  have  no  Balls  in  his 
regiment:  Nor  powder  neither,  said  the  gentleman,  if 
your  lordship  could  help  it. 

258.  Two  Irishmen  having  travelled  on  foot  from 
Chester  to  Barnet,  were  confoundedly  tired  and  fatigued 
with  their  journey ;  and  the  more  so,  Avhen  they  were 
told  they  had  still  about  ten  miles  to  London.  By  my 
soul  and  St.  Patrick,  cries  one  of  them,  it  is  but  five 
miles  apiece,  let's  e'en  walk  on. 

259.  Mr.  Pope,  being  at  dinner  with  a  noble  duke,  had 
his  own  servant  in  livery  waiting  on  him :  The  duke 
asked  him.  Why  he,  that  eat  mostly  at  other  people's 
tables,  should  be  such  a  fool  as  to  keep  a  fellow  in  livery 
only  to  laugh  at  him  ?  'Tis  true,  answered  the  poet,  he 
kept  but  one  to  laugh  at  him ;  but  his  grace  had  the 
honour  to  keep  a  dozen. 

260.  An  Irish  fellow,  vaunting  of  his  birth  and  family, 
affirmed.  That  Avhen  he  came  first  to  England,  he  made 
such  a  figure,  that  the  bells  rang  through  all  the  towns 
he  passed  to  London  :  Ay,  said  a  gentleman  in  company, 
I  suppose  that  was  because  you  came  up  in  a  waggon 
with  a  bell-team. 

261.  One  meeting  an  old  acquaintance,  whom  the 
world  had  frowned  upon  a  little,  asked.,  him.  Where  he 
lived  ?  Where  do  I  live — said  he,  I  don't  know  ;  but  I 
starve  down  towards  Wapping  and  that  way. 

262.  Two  country  attornies  overtaking  a  waggoner  on 
the  road,  and  thinking  to  break  a  joke  upon  him,  asked 
him.  Why  his  fore-horse  was  so  fat  and  the  rest  so  lean  ? 
The  waggoner  knowing  them  to  be  limbs  of  the  law, 
answered  them,  That  his  fore-horse  was  his  lawyer  and 
the  rest  were  his  clients. 

263.  At  a  cause  tried  at  the  King's  Bench  bar,  a  wit- 
ness was  produced  who  had  a  very  red  nose,  and  one  of 
the  counsel,  a  good  impudent  fellow,  being  desirous  to 
put  him  out  of  countenance,  called  out  to  him,  after  he 
was  sworn — Well,  let's  hear  what  you  have  to  say  with 


62  JOE  miller's  jests. 

your  copper  nose.  Why,  sir,  said  he,  by  the  oath  I  have 
taken,  I  would  not  exchange  my  copper  nose  for  your 
brazen  face. 

264.  A  gentleman  having  received  some  abuse,  in  pass- 
ing through  one  of  the  Inns  of  Chancery,  from  some  of 
the  impudent  clerks,  he  was  advised  to  complain  to  the 
Principal,  which  he  did  accordingly ;  and  coming  before 
him,  accosted  him  in  the  following  manner :  I  have  been 
grossly  abused  here  by  some  of  the  rascals  of  this  house, 
and  understanding  you  are  the  principal,  I  am  come  to 
acquaint  you  with  it. 

265.  An  old  roundhead  in  Oliver's  time,  complaining 
of  some  heavy  rain  that  fell,  said  a  cavalier,  standing  by. 
What  unreasonable  fellows  you  roundheads  are,  who 
Avill  neither  be  pleased  when  God  rains,  nor  when  the 
king  reigns. 

266.  A  young  curate,  with  more  pertness  than  wit  or 
learning,  being  asked  in  company.  How  he  came  to  take 
it  into  his  head  to  enter  into  the  ministry  of  the  church  ? 
Because,  said  he,  the  Lord  had  need  of  me.  That  may 
be,  replied  a  gentleman  jDresent,  for  I  have  often  read 
the  Lord  had  once  need  of  an  ass. 

267.  A  very  ignorant,  but  very  foppish  young  fellow, 
going  into  a  bookseller's  shop  with  a  relation,  who  went 
thither  to  buy  something  he  wanted,  seeing  his  cousin 
look  into  a  particular  book,  and  smile,  asked  him.  What 
there  was  in  that  book  that  made  him  smile  ?  Why, 
answered  the  other,  this  book  is  dedicated  to  you,  cousin 
Jack.  Is  it  so  ?  said  he,  pray  let  me  see  it,  for  I  never 
knew  before  that  I  had  had  such  an  honour  done  me : 
upon  which,  taking  it  into  his  hands,  he  found  it  to  be 
Perkin's  Catechism,  dedicated  to  all  ignorant  persons. 

268.  There  was  a  short  time  when  Mr.  Handel,  not- 
withstanding his  merit,  was  deserted,  and  his  opera  at 
tlie  Hay-Market  neglected  almost  by  everybody  but  his 
Majesty,  for  that  of  Porpora  at  Lincoln's-Inn-Fields  ;  at 

this  time  another  nobleman  asking  the  earl  of  C d  if 

he  would  go  one  night  to  the  opera  ?     My  lord  asked, 


JOE  miller's  jests.  63 

Which  ?  Oh,  to  that  in  the  II.ay-Market,  answered  the 
other.  No,  ray  lord,  said  the  earl,  I  liave  no  occasion  for 
a  jjrivate  audience  of  his  majesty  to-night. 

269.  Some  scholars,  on  a  time,  going  to  steal  conies, 
by  the  way  they  Avarned  a  novice  amongst  them  to  make 
no  noise,  for  fear  of  spoiling  their  game  :  but  he  no 
sooner  espied  some,  but  he  cried  out  aloud,  Ecce  conni- 
culi  multl.  Whereupon  the  conies  ran  with  all  speed 
into  their  burrows ;  upon  which  his  fellows  chiding  him 
— Who,  said  he,  would  have  thought  that  the  conies  un- 
derstood Latin  ? 

270.  A  drunken  fellow  having  sold  all  his  good^,  to 
maintain  himself  at  his  pot,  except  his  feather  bed,  at 
last  made  away  with  that  too  ;  when  being  reproved  for 
it  by  some  of  his  friends  ;  Why,  said  he,  I  am  very  well, 
thank  God,  and  why  should  I  keep  my  bed  ? 

271.  An  old  lady  meeting  a  Cambridge  man,  asked 
him.  How  her  nephew  behaved  himself?  Truly,  mad- 
am, says  he,  he's  a  brave  fellow,  and  sticks  close  to 
Catherine  Hall — [name  of  a  college].  I  vow,  said  she, 
I  feared  as  much,  he  was  always  hankering  after  the 
girls  from  a  boy. 

272.  A  gentleman  being  arrested  for  a  pretty  large 
sum  of  money,  sent  to  an  acquaintance,  who  had  often 
professed  a  great  friendship  for  him,  to  beg  he  would 
bail  him ;  the  other  told  him.  That  he  had  promised 
never  to  be  bail  for  anybody ;  but  with  much  kindness 
said,  I'll  tell  you  what  you  may  do,  you  may  get  some- 
body else  if  you  can. 

273.  When  king  Charles  the  First  was  in  great  anx- 
iety about  signing  the  warrant  for  the  Earl  of  Strafford's 
execution,  saying.  It  was  next  to  death  to  part  with  so 
able  a  minister,  and  so  loyal  a  subject ;  a  certain  favorite 
of  the  king's  standing  by,  soon  resolved  his  majesty,  by 
telling  him.  That  in  such  an  exigence,  a  man  had  better 
part  with  his  crutch  than  his  leg. 

274.  Some  rattling  young  fellows  from  London  putting 
into  a  country  inn,  seeing  a  plain  rough-hewn  farmer 


54  JOE  miller's  jests. 

there ;  said  one  of  them,  You  shall  see  me  dnmb-found 
that  countryman.  So  coming  up  to  him,  he  gave  his  hat 
a  twirl  round,  saying,  there's  half  a  crown  for  you,  coun- 
tryman. The  former,  after  recovering  a  little  from  his 
surprise,  reared  his  oaken  towel,  and  surveying  him  very 
gravely,  gave  him  two  very  handsome  drubs  on  the 
shoulder,  saying,  I  thank  you  for  your  kindness,  friend, 
there's  two  shillings  of  your  money  again. 

275.  One  of  the  aforesaid  rattling  blades  having  been 
once  a  little  kicked  for  his  impertinence,  demanded  of  his 
benefactor  with  a  bluff  flice.  Whether  he  was  in  earnest, 
or  not  ?  Yes,  faith,  said  the  other,  in  very  good  earnest, 
laying  his  hand  on  his  sword.  Say  you  so  ?  replied  he, 
I  am  glad  of  that  with  all  my  heart,  for  I  don't  like  such 
jests. 

276.  A  merchant  in  London,  having  bought  a  pretty 
estate  in  Surrey,  and  afterwards  two  or  three  more  fields 
adjoining  to  it,  a  person  speaking  of  his  purchase  to  a 
friend,  said,  he  did  not  think  ]Mr.  Such-a-one  had  been  in 
circumstances  to  make  so  large  a  purchase.  O  dear! 
said  the  other,  you  don't  know  how  considerable  a  man 
he  is ;  why,  since  he  bought  that  estate  in  Surrey,  he  has 
bought  Moor-fields.  That  must  be  a  great  purchase,  in- 
deed, replied  the  other. 

277.  The  old  earl  of  B-- — d,  one  of  the  most  facetious 
men  of  his  time,  being  once  in  waiting  at  court,  made  an 
excuse  one  morning  to  leave  the  king,  assuring  his  ma- 
jesty he  would  be  back  to  wait  on  him  before  12  o'clock, 
there  being  great  occasion  for  his  attendance.  The  king 
had  inquired  for  him  several  times,  his  lordship  having 
exceeded  his  time  :  at  length  he  came,  and  going  to  the 
clock  in  the  drawing-room,  heard  it  strike  one  ;  at  which, 
being  a  little  enraged,  he  up  with  his  cane  and  broke  the 
glass  of  the  clock.  The  king  asked  him  afterwards. 
What  made  him  break  the  clock  ?  I  am  sure,  says  my 
lord,  your  majesty  won't  be  angry  when  you  hear.  Pri- 
thee, said  the' king,  what  Avas  it  ?  Why  blood,  my  liege, 
the  clock  struck  first. 

278.  A  person  having  been  put  to  great  shifts  to  get 


JOE    MILLER  S    JESTS.  55 

money  to  support  his  credit ;  some  of  his  creditors  at 
length  sent  him  word,  that  they  would  give  him  trou- 
ble. Pshaw  !  said  he,  I  have  had  trouble  enough  to  bor- 
row the  money,  and  had  not  need  be  troubled  to  pay  it 
again. 

279.  Queen  Elizabeth  seeing  a  gentleman  in  her  gar- 
den, who  had  not  felt  the  effect  of  her  favours  so  soon  as 
he  expected,  looking  out  of  her  window,  said  to  him  in 
Italian,  What  does  a  man  think  of,  Sir  Edward,  when  he 
thinks  of  nothing  ?  After  a  little  pause,  he  answered, 
He  thinks,  madam,  of  a  woman's  promise.  The  queen 
shrunk  in  her  head,  but  was  heard  to  say,  Well,  Sir  Ed- 
ward, I  must  not  confute  you :  anger  makes  dull  men 
witty,  but  it  keeps  them  poor. 

280.  A  lady  whose  beauty  was  very  much  upon  the 
decline,  having  sent  her  picture  to  a  gentleman  that  was 
to  come  a  wooing  to  her,  bid  her  chambermaid,  when 
she  was  coming  to  dress  her,  take  care  in  repairing  her 
decays  a  little,  or  she  should  not  look  like  her  picture. 
I  warrant  you,  madam,  says  she,  laying  on  the  Bavarian 
red,  a  little  art  once  made  your  picture  like  you,  now  a 
little  of  the  same  art  shall  make  you  like  your  picture ; 
your  picture  must  sit  to  you. 

281.  A  termagant  sempstress  coming  to  dun  a  young 
fellosv  at  his  lodgings,  where  he  was  terribly  afraid  to 
have  his  landlady  hear  ;  she  began  to  open  her  quail  pipes 
at  a  great  rate,  but  was  presently  seized  with  a  fit  of 
coughing.  Lord,  says  she,  I  have  got  such  a  cold  I  can 
hardly  speak.  Nay,  as  to  that,  says  he,  I  don't  care  how 
softly  you  speak.  Don't  tell  me  of  speaking  softly,  said 
she,  let  me  have  my  money,  or  I'll  take  the  law  of  you. 
Do,  says  he,  then  you'll  be  forced  to  hold  your  tongue, 
for  the  law  allows  nobody  to  scold  in  their  own  cause. 

282.  Some  persons  talkhig  of  a  fine  lady  that  had  many 
suitors  :  Well,  says  one  of  them,  you  may  talk  of  this 
great  man  and  that  great  man,  of  this  lord  and  t'other 
knight ;  but  I  know  a  fellow  without  a  foot  of  estate, 
that  will  carry  her  before  them  all.  Pho,  that's  impos- 
sible, says  another,  unless  you  mean  her  coachman. 


56  JOE   MILLER'S    JESTS. 

283.  Count  Gonclomar,  the  Spanish  ambassador  here, 
in  Queen  Elizabeth's  time,  sent  a  compliment  to  the  Lord 
St.  Albans,  whom  he  lived  on  no  good  terms  with,  wish 
ing  him  a  merry  Easter.  My  lord  thanked  the  messen- 
ger, and  said,  he  could  not  requite  the  count  better  than 
by  wishing  him  a  good  Pass- over. 

284.  A  certain  philosopher,  when  he  saw  men  in  a 
hurry  to  finish  any  matter,  used  to  say,  Stay  a  little,  that 
we  may  make  an  end  the  sooner. 

285.  Sir  Francis  Bacon  was  wont  to  say  of  a  passion- 
ate man,  who  suppressed  his  anger,  That  he  thought 
worse  than  he  spoke  ;  and  of  an  angry  man,  that  would 
vent  his  passion  in  words,  That  he  spoke  worse  than  he 
thought. 

286.  The  same  gentleman  used  to  say,  that  power  in 
an  ill  man  was  like  the  power  of  a  witch — he  could  do 
harm,  but  no  good  ;  as  the  magicians,  said  he,  could  turn 
water  into  blood,  but  could  not  turn  blood  into  water 
again. 

287.  He  was  likewise  wont  to  commend  much  the  ad- 
vice of  a  plain  old  man  at  Buxton,  who  sold  brooms. 
A  proud  lazy  young  fellow  came  to  him  for  a  besom  upon 
trust,  to  whom  the  old  man  said,  Friend,  hast  thou  no 
money  ?  Borrow  of  thy  back  and  of  thy  belly,  they'll 
never  ask  thee  for't ;  I  shall  be  dunning  thee  every  day. 

288.  When  recruits  were  raising  for  the  late  wars,  a 
Serjeant  told  his  captain  that  he  had  got  him  a  very  ex- 
traordinary man  :  Ay,  says  the  captain,  prithee  what's 
he?  A  butcher,  sir,  replied  the  serjeant,  and  your  hon- 
our will  have  double  service  of  him,  for  we  had  two 
sheep-stealers  in  the  company  before. 

289.  A  harmless  country  fellow  having  commenced  a 
Buit  against  a  gentleman  that  had  beat  down  his  fences, 
and  spoiled  his  corn  ;  when  the  assizes  grew  near,  his  ad- 
versary bribed  his  only  evidence  to  keep  out  of  the  way: 
Well,  says  the  fellow,  I'm  resolved  I'll  up  to  town,  and 
the  king  shall  know  it.  The  king  know  it !  said  his  land- 
lord, who  was  an  attorney,  prithee  what  good  will  that 


57 

do  yon,  if  the  man  keeps  ont  of  the  way  ?  Why,  sir, 
said  the  poor  fellow,  I  have  heard  yon  say,  the  king  conld 
make  a  man  a-peer  at  any  time. 

290.  One  sjDeaking  of  an  agreeable  young  fellow,  said. 
He  had  wit  enough  to  call  his  good  nature  in  question, 
and  yet  good  nature  enough  to  make  his  wit  suspected. 

291.  A  person  seeing  a  tolerably  pretty  fellow,  who, 
by  the  help  of  a  tailor  and  sempstress  had  transformed 
himself  into  a  beau,  said,  What  pity  it  is  to  see  one,  whom 
nature  has  made  no  fool,  so  industrious  to  pass  for  an 
ass.  Rather,  said  another,  one  should  pity  those  whom 
nature  abuses  than  those  who  abuse  nature  ;  besides,  the 
town  would  be  robbed  of  one-half  of  its  diversion,  if  it 
should  become  a  crime  to  laugh  at  a  fool. 

292.  At  the  masquerade  in  the  Hay-Market,  one  ap- 
pearing in  the  habit  of  a  bishop,  another,  for  the  jest's 
sake,  bowed  his  knee  to  ask  a  blessing.  The  former  lay- 
ing his  hand  on  his  head,  very  demurely  said.  Prithee 
rise,  there's  nothing  in't  indeed,  friend. 

293.  Of  all  coxcombs,  the  most  intolerable  in  conver- 
sation is  your  fighting  fool,  and  your  opiniated  wit ; 
the  one  is  always  talking  to  show  his  parts,  and  the  other 
always  quarrelling  to  show  his  valour. 

294.  One  said  of  a  fantastical  fellow,  that  he  was  the 
folio  of  himself,  bound  up  in  his  own  calf's  leather,  and 
gilt  about  the  edges. 

295.  A  decayed  gentleman  coming  to  one  who  had 
been  a  servant,  to  borrow  money  of  him,  received  a  very 
scurvy  answer,  concluding  in  the  following  words  :  Pray, 
sir,  what  do  you  trouble  me  for?  Pve  no  money  to  lend. 
Pm  sure  you  lie,  said  the  gentleman,  for  if  you  were  not 
rich,  you  durst  not  be  so  saucy. 

296.  The  Roman  Catholics  make  a  sacrament  of  mat- 
rimony, and,  in  consequence  of  that  notion,  pretend  that 
it  confers  grace.  The  Protestant  divines  do  not  carry 
matters  so  high,  but  say.  This  ought  to  be  understood  in 
a  qualified  sense  j  and  that  marriage  so  far  confers  grace, 


58 

as  that,  generally  speaking,  it  brings  repentance,  which 
everybody  knows  is  one  step  towards  grace. 

297.  An  extravagant  young  gentleman,  to  whom  the 
title  of  lord,  and  a  good  estate,  was  just  fallen,  being  a 
little  harassed  by  duns,  bid  his  steward  tell  them.  That 
whilst  he  was  a  private  gentleman  he  had  leisure  to  run 
in  debt,  but  being  now  advanced  to  a  higher  rank,  he 
was  too  busy  to  pay  them. 

298.  A  gentleman  complaining  of  a  misfortune,  said  it 
was  all  along  with  that  drunken  sot  his  man,  who  could 
not  keep  himself  sober.  With  your  worship,  said  the 
fellow,  I  know  very  few  drunken  sots  that  do  keep  them- 
selves sober. 

299.  A  certain  Irishman  making  strong  love  to  a  lady 
of  great  fortune,  told  her,  He  could  not  sleep  for  dream- 
ing of  her. 

300.  A  plain  country  yeoman  bringing  his  daughter  to 
town,  said,  for  all  she  was  brought  up  altogether  in  the 
country,  she  was  a  girl  of  sense.  Yes,  said  a  pert  young 
female  in  the  company,  country  sense.  Why,  faith,  mad- 
am, says  the  fellow,  country  sense  is  better  sometimes 
than  London  impudence. 

301.  I'll  swear,  said  a  gentleman  to  his  mistress,  you 
are  very  handsome.  Pho,  said  she,  so  you'd  say,  though 
you  did  not  think  so.  And  so  you'd  think,  answered  he, 
though  I  should  not  say  so. 

302.  A  gentleman  in  King  Charles  the  Second's  time, 
who  had  paid  a  tedious  attendance  at  court  for  a  place, 
and  had  a  thousand  promises,  at  length  resolved  to  see 
the  king  himself;  so  getting  himself  introduced,  he  told 
his  majesty  what  pretensions  he  had  to  his  favour,  and 
boldly  asked  him  for  the  place  just  then  vacant.  The 
king  hearing  his  story,  told  him  he  had  just  given  the 
place  away.  Upon  which  the  gentleman  made  a  very 
low  obeisance  to  the  king,  and  thanked  him  extremely  ; 
which  he  repeated  often.  The  king,  observing  how 
over-thankful  he  was,  called  him  again,  and  asked  the 
reason  why  he   gave   him  such   extraordinary  thanks, 


JOE  miller's  jiasq;^.  59 

when  he  had  denied  his  suit.  The  rather,  an't  please 
your  majesty,  replied  the  gentleman ;  your  courtiers 
have  kept  me  waiting  here  these  two  years,  and  gave 
me  a  thousand  put-offs  ;  but  your  majesty  has  saved  me 
all  that  trouble,  and  generously  given  me  my  answer  at 
once.  Gads  fish,  man,  said  the  king,  thou  shalt  have  the 
place  for  thy  downright  honesty. 

303.  A  merry  droll  servant,  who  lived  with  a  lady 
that  was  just  on  the  point  of  matrimony,  being  sent  with 
a  How-d'ye-do  to  an  acquaintance  of  hers,  who  lived  a 
few  miles  off,  was  asked  how  his  lady  did  ?  Ah,  dear 
madam,  replied  the  fellow,  she  can  never  live  long  iu  this 
condition. 

304.  'Twas  a  beautiful  turn  given  by  a  great  lady, 
who  being  asked.  Where  her  husband  was,  when  he  lay 
concealed  for  having  been  deeply  concerned  m  a  con- 
spiracy ?  resolutely  answered.  She  had  hid  him.  This 
confession  drew  her  before  the  king,  who  told  her,  lN"oth- 
ing  but  her  discovering  where  her  lord  was  concealed, 
could  save  her  fi-om  the  torture.  And  will  that  do  ? 
said  the  lady.  Yes,  said  the  king,  I  give  -you  my  word 
for  it.  Then,  said  she,  I  have  hid  him  in  my  heart,  there 
you'll  find  him. 

305.  An  English  gentleman  travelling  to  France,  had 
made  choice  of  an  abbe  as  reckless  as  himself,  for  the 
companion  of  his  pleasures.  One  of  his  countrymen  told 
him.  That  though  the  abbe  and  he  differed  about  the 
way  to  heaven,  they  were  in  a  fair  way  of  going  to  the 
devil  together. 

306.  A  petulant  self-willed  coxcomb  was  threatening, 
if  his  humour  was  not  gratified,  to  leave  his  relations  and 
family  and  go  away  to  France.  Let  him  alone,  said  one, 
he  will  come  back  from  France,  before  he  gets  half  way 
to  Dover. 

307.  A  countryman  in  the  street  inquiring  the  way  to 
Newgate,  an  arch  fellow  that  heard  him,  said,  he'd  show 
him  presently.  Do  but  go  across  the  way,  said  he,  to 
yon  goldsmith's  shop,  and  move  off  with  one  of  those 
silver  tankards,  and  it  will  bring  you  thither  presently. . 


60  JOE    MILLER'S    JESTS. 

308.  Men  sometimes  blurt  out  very  unlucky  truths. 
A  town  beggar  was  very  importunate  with  a  rich  miser, 
w^hom  he  accosted  in  the  following  phrase :  Pray,  sir, 
bestow  your  charity  ;  good,  dear  sir,  bestow  your  chari- 
ty. Prithee,  friend,  be  quiet,  replied  old  Gripus,  I  have 
it  not. 

309.  A  certain  priest  in  a  rich  abbey  in  Florence,  be- 
ing a  fisherman's  son,  caused  a  net  to  be  spread  every 
day,  on  a  table  in  his  apartment,  to  put  him  in  mind  of 
his  origin :  the  abbot  dying,  this  dissembled  humility 
procured  him  to  be  chosen  abbot ;  after  which,  the  net 
was  used  no  more.  Being  aeked  the  reason,  he  an- 
swered. There  is  no  occasion  for  the  net  now  the  fish  is 
caught. 

310.  A  farmer  who  had  a  very  great  name  in  the 
country  for  his  dexterity  in  manly  exercises,  such  as 
wrestling,  throwing  the  bar,  and  the  like,  drew  upon 
himself  many  occasions  to  try  his  skill,  with  such  as  came 
far  and  near  to  challenge  him  :  among  the  rest,  a  con- 
ceited fellow  rode  a  great  way  to  visit  this  champion, 
and  being  told  that  he  was  in  his  ground  behind  the 
house,  he  alighted,  and  w^alked  with  his  horse's  bridle 
in  his  hand,  till  he  came  where  he  found  him  at  work  ; 
so  hanging  the  bridle  upon  the  pales,  he  accosted  liim 
thus  :  That  having  heard  much  of  his  fiime,  he  had  come 
forty  miles  to  try  a  fall  with  him.  Tlie  champion,  with- 
out more  words,  came  up  to  him,  and  closing  with  him, 
took  him  upon  such  an  advantageous  lock,  that  he 
jDitched  him  clean  over  the  pales  ;  with  a  great  deal  of 
unconcern,  he  took  up  his  sjDade,  and  fell  to  work  again : 
the  fellow  getting  upon  his  legs  again,  as  nimbly  as  he 
could,  called  to  speak  to  him.  Well,  said  the  champion, 
have  you  any  more  to  say  to  me  ?  No,  no,  replied  the 
fellow,  only  to  desire  you  would  be  so  kind  as  throw  my 
horse  after  me. 

311.  A  busy  impertinent,  entertaining  Aristotle  the 
philosopher  one  day  with  a  tedious  discourse,  and  ob- 
serving that  he  did  not  much  regard  him,  made  an  apolo- 
gy, That  he  was  afraid  he  had  interrupted  him.     No, 


JOE  miller's  jests.  61 

really,  replied  the  pliilosopher,  you  have  not  interrupted 
me  at  all,  for  I  have  not  mindecl  one  word  you  said. 

312.  Two  conceited  coxcombs  wrangling  and  expos- 
ing one  another  before  company,  one  told  them.  That 
they  had  both  done  like  wits  :  for  wits,  said  he,  never 
give  over  till  they  prove  one  another  fools. 

313.  A  lawyer  and  a  physician  having  a  dispute  about 
precedence,  referred  it  to  Diogenes,  who  gave  it  in  favour 
of  the  lawyer,  in  these  terms :  Let  the  thief  go  before, 
and  the  executioner  follow. 

314.  A  person  having  two  very  graceless  sons,  the  one 
robbed  him  of  his  money,  and  the  other  of  his  goods  : 
His  neighbour  coming  to  condole  with  him,  told  him.  He 
might  sue  the  county,  for  he  had  been  robbed  between 
son  and  son. 

315.  A  person  speaking  to  the  Earl  of  C d  of  the 

flilse  taste  of  several  people  of  quality,  and  their  ignor- 
ance in  many  things  that  they  pretend  to  understand  ; 
Why,  said  my  Lord,  most  of  our  people  of  quality  judge 
of  everything  by  their  ears  but  the  opera,  and  that  they 
go  to  see. 

316.  A  citizen  dying  greatly  in  debt,  it  coming  to  his 
creditors'  ears  —  Farewell,  said  one,  there  is  so  much  of 
mine  gone  with  him.  And  he  carried  so  much  of  mine, 
said  another.  One  hearing  them  make  their  several  com- 
plaints, said.  Well,  I  see  now,  that  though  a  man  can 
carry  nothing  of  his  own  out  of  the  world,  yet  he  may 
carry  a  great  deal  of  other  men's. 

317.  Three  young  conceited  wits,  as  they  thought 
themselves,  passing  along  the  road  near  Oxford,  met  a 
grave  old  gentleman,  Avith  whom  they  had  a  mind  to  be 
rudely  merry  ;  Good  morrow,  father  Abraham,  said  one  : 
Good  morrow,  father  Isaac,  said  the  next :  Good  mor- 
row, father  Jacob,  cried  the  last.  I  am  neither  Abra- 
ham, Isaac,  nor  Jacob,  replied  the  old  gentleman,  but 
Saul,  the  son  of  Kish,  who  went  out  to  seek  his  father's 
asses,  and  lo  !  here  I  have  found  them. 

318.  An  ingenious  young  gentleman  at  the  University 


62  JOE   MILLER  S    JESTS. 

of  Oxford,  being  appointed  to  preach  before  the  Vice 
Chancellor,  and  the  heads  of  the  colleges,  at  St.  Mary's, 
and  having  formerly  observed  the  drowsiness  of  the 
Vice  Chancellor,  took  this  place  of  scripture  for  his  text : 
"  What !  cannot  ye  watch  one  hour  ?"  At  every  divi- 
sion he  concluded  with  his  text ;  which  by  reason  of  the 
Vice  Chancellor  sitting  so  near  the  pulpit,  often  awaked 
him.  This  was  so  noted  among  the  wits,  that  it  w^as  the 
talk  of  the  whole  University,  and  withal  it  so  nettled  the 
Vice  Chancellor,  that  he  complained  to  the  Archbishop 
of  Canterbury,  who,  willing  to  redress  him,  sent  for  this 
scholar  up  to  London,  to  defend  himself  against  the  crime 
laid  to  his  charge  ;  where  coming,  he  gave  so  many 
proofs  of  his  extraordinary  wit,  that  the  Ai'chbishop  en- 
joined him  to  preach  before  King  James.  After  some 
excuses,  he  at  length  consented  ;  and  coming  into  the 
pulpit,  began,  "  James  the  First,  and  the  Sixth,  waver 
not "  ;  meaning  the  iirst  king  of  England,  and  the  sixth 
of  Scotland  ;  at  first  the  king  was  somewhat  amazed  at 
the  text,  but  in  the  end  was  so  well  pleased  with  his  ser- 
mon, that  he  made  him  one  of  his  chaplains  in  ordinary. 
After  this  advancement,  the  Archbishop  sent  him  down 
to  Oxford  to  make  his  recantation  to  the  Vice  Chancel- 
lor, and  to  take  leave  of  the  University,  which  he  accord- 
ingly did,  and  took  the  latter  part  of  the  verse  of  the 
former  text,  "  Sleep  on  now  and  take  your  rest "  :  con- 
cluding his  sermon,  he  made  his  apology  to  the  Vice 
Chancellor,  Whereas  I  said  before,  which  gave  offence, 
What !  cannot  ye  watch  one  hour  ?  I  say  now.  Sleep 
on  and  take  your  rest — and  so  left  the  University. 

319.  A  plain  country  fellow,  born  in  Essex,  coming  to 
London,  which  place  he  had  never  seen  before,  as  he 
walked  in  a  certain  street,  not  a  great  way  from  Mark 
Lane,  espied  a  rope  hanging  at  a  merchant's  door,  with 
a  handle  to  it ;  and  wondering  what  it  meant,  he  took  it 
in  his  hand,  and  played  with  it  to  and  fro  ;  at  length, 
j^uUing  it  hard,  he  heard  a  bell  ring ;  it  so  happened, 
that  the  merchant,  being  near  the  door,  went  himself, 
and  demanded  wliat  the  fellow  would  have.  Nothing, 
sir,  said  he,  I  did  but  play  with  this  pretty  thing  which 


\ 


JOE  miller's  jests.  .    63 

hangs  at  your  door.  What  countryman  are  you  ?  said 
the  merchant.  An  Essex  man,  an't  please  you,  replied 
the  other.  I  thought  so,  replied  the  merchant,  for  I  have 
often  heard  say,  that  if  a  man  beat  a  bush  in  Essex,  there 
presently  comes  forth  a  calf.  It  may  be  so,  replied  the 
countryman,  and  I  think  a  man  can  no  sooner  ring  a  bell 
in  London,  but  out  pops  a  donkey. 

320.  A  young  man  married  to  an  ill-tempered  woman, 
who,  not  contented,  though  he  was  very  kind  to  her, 
made  continual  complaints  to  her  father,  to  the  great 
grief  of  both  families  ;  the  husband  being  no  longer  able 
to  endure  this  strange  humour,  beat  her  soundly.  Here- 
upon she  complained  to  her  fother,  who  understanding- 
well  the  perverseness  of  her  humour,  took  her  to  task, 
and  laced  her  soundly  too ;  saying,  Go,  and  commend 
me  to  your  husband,  and  tell  him,  I  am  now  even  with 
liim,  for  I  have  cudgelled  his  wife,  as  he  hath  beaten  my 
daughter. 

321.  A  fellow  hearing  one  say,  according  to  the  Italian 
proverb.  That  three  women  make  a  market  with  their 
chattering ;  Nay,  then,  said  he,  add  my  wife  to  them, 
and  they  will  make  a  fair. 

322.  A  scholar,  in  College  Hall,  declaiming,  having  a 
bad  memory,  was  at  a  stand  ;  whereupon  in  a  low  voice, 
he  desired  one  that  stood  close  by,  to  help  him  out :  No, 
said  the  other,  methinks  you  are  out  enough  already. 

323.  A  gentleman  riding  near  the  forest  of  Which- 
wood,  in  Oxfordshire,  asked  a  fellow.  What  that  wood 
was  called ;  he  said,  Which-wood,  sir  :  Why  that  wood, 
said  the  gentleman.  Which-wood,  sir :  Why  that  wood, 
I  tell  thee  ; — he  still  said  Which-wood.  I  think,  said  the 
gentleman,  thou  art  as  senseless  as  the  wood  that  grows 
there.  It  may  be  so,  replied  the  other,  but  you  know 
riot  Which-wood. 

324.  A  physician  was  wont  to  say,  when  he  met  a 
friend,  I  am  glad  to  see  you  well.  In  troth,  sir,  said  one, 
I  think  you  do  but  dissemble,  for  the  world  always  goes 
ill  with  you,  when  it  goes  well  with  your  friends. 


64  •  JOE  miller's  jests. 

325.  A  gentleman  falling  to  decay,  shifted  where  he 
could ;  among  the  rest,  he  visited  an  old  acquaintance, 
and  stayed  with  him  seven  or  eight  days,  in  which  time 
the  man  began  to  be  Aveary  of  his  guest,  and  to  be  rid 
of  him,  feigned  a  falling  out  with  his  wife,  by  which 
means  their  tare  was  very  slender.  The  gentleman  per- 
ceiving their  drift,  but  not  knowing  ^vhither  to  go  to 
better  himself,  told  them.  He  had  been  there  seven  days, 
and  had  not  seen  any  falling  out  betwixt  them  before  ; 
and  that  he  was  resolved  to  stay  seven  weeks  longer, 
but  he  would  see  them  friends  again. 

326.  A  gentleman  who  loved  everything  that  was  for- 
eign, and  was  extremely  fond  of  hard  names,  dining  at 
a  friend's  house,  asked  him.  What  the  name  of  the  wine 
was,  of  wdiich  he  had  just  drank  a  glass  at  table  ;  his 
friend,  knowing  that  it  was  but  indifferent,  and  recol- 
lecting that  he  had  bought  it  at  the  Stocks  Market,  told 
him,  it  was  the  true  Stoko  Marketto ;  upon  which  he 
found  the  wine  excellent,  and  gave  it  great  encomiums. 

327.  A  knavish  attorney  asking  a  very  worthy  gentle- 
man, what  was  honesty  ?  What  is  that  to  you?  said  he ; 
meddle  wath  those  things  that  concern  you. 

328.  A  simple  bumpkin,  coming  to  London,  was  very 
much  taken  Avith  the  sight  of  a  chair,  or  sedan,  and  bar- 
gained with  the  chairmen  to  carry  him  to  a  place  he 
named.  The  chairmen,  observing  the  curiosity  of  the 
clown  to  be  suitable  to  the  meanness  of  his  habit,  pri- 
vately took  out  the  bottom  of  the  chair,  and  then  put 
him  into  it,  which  when  they  took  up,  the  countryman's 
feet  were  upon  the  ground,  and  as  the  chairmen  ad- 
vanced, so  did  he  ;  and  to  make  the  better  sport,  if  any 
place  was  dirtier  in  the  way  than  the  rest,  that  they 
chose  to  go  through ;  the  countryman  not  knowing  but 
others  used  to  be  carried,  or  rather  driven  in  the  same 
manner,  coming  to  his  lodgings,  gave  them  their  de- 
mand. Returning  into  the  country,  he  related  what 
rare  things  he  had  seen  in  London,  and  withal,  that  he 
been  conveyed  in  a  sedan :  Sedan,  quoth  one,  what  is 
that  ?     Why,  said  he,  like  our  watch-house,  only  it  is 


JOE  miller's  je^s.  05 

covered  with  leather ;  but  were  it  not  for  the  name  of  a 
sedan,  a  man  might  as  well  walk  on  foot. 

329.  An  ignorant  clown,  who  had  the  reputation  of 
being  a  great  scholar  in  the  country,  because  he  could 
read  and  wi'ite,  coming  to  London,  and  inquiring  into 
all  the  strange  things  he  saw,  at  last  read  on  a  sign-post. 
Horses  to  be  let,  1748.  Well,  said  he,  if  there  are  so 
many  horses  in  one  inn,  how  many  are  there  in  the  whole 
city? 

330.  One  reading  a  witty  preface  before  a  dull  book, 
said,  he  wondered  how  such  a  prefice  came  to  be  match- 
ed so  preposterously  to  such  a  book.  In  truth,  sir,  said 
another,  I  see  no  reason  why  they  may  not  be  matched, 
for  I'm  sure  they  are  not  at  all  a-kin. 

331.  A  person  not  belonging  to  Merton  College,  piit 
his  horse  in  a  field  thereunto  appertaining  ;  being  warned 
of  so  doing,  and  he  taking  no  notice  thereof,  the  master 
of  that  College  sent  his  man  to  him,  bidding  him  say,  if 
he  continued  his  horse  there,  he  would  cut  oif  his  tail. 
Say  you  so  ?  said  the  person  :  go  tell  your  master,  if  he 
cuts  off  my  horse's  tail,  I  will  cut  off  his  ears.  The 
servant  returning,  told  his  master  what  he  said ;  where- 
upon he  was  sent  back  to  bring  the  person  to  him  ;  who 
appearing,  the  master  said.  How  now,  sir !  what  mean 
you  by  the  menace  you  sent  me  ?  Sir,  said  the  other,  I 
threatened  you  not,  for  I  only  said,  if  you  cut  off  my 
liorse's  tail,  I  would  cut  off  his  ears. 

332.  One  seeing  a  scholar  that  looked  very  much 
a-squint.  Sure,  said  he,  this  man  must  be  more  learned 
than  his  fellows,  for  with  one  cast  of  his  eyes  he  can 
read  both  sides  of  the  book  at  once. 

333.  A  youth  standing  by  whilst  his  father  was  at 
play,  observing  him  to  lose  a  great  deal  of  money,  burst 
into  tears  ;  his  father  asked  him  the  reason  why  he  wept  ? 
Oh,  sir,  I  have  heard  that  Alexander  the  Great  wept 
when  he  heard  his  fiither  Philip  had  conquered  a  great 
many  towns,  cities,  and  countries,  fearing  that  lie  would 
leave  him  nothing  to  win  ;  but  I  wept  the  contrary  way, 
fearing  you  will  leave  me  nothing  to  lose. 


66'  JOE  miller's  jests. 

334.  A  rich  citizen  of  London,  in  liis  will,  left  some- 
thing considerable  to  Christ's  Hospital,  but  little  or 
nothing  to  one  of  his  extravagant  sons.  At  the  funeral, 
the  Blue-coat  boys  were  ordered,  in  acknowledgment  of 
so  great  a  gift,  to  sing  before  the  corpse  to  the  grave. 
As  they  marched  through  Cheapside,  this  extravagant 
son  led  his  mother,  who  observing  the  boys  made  a  rest, 
he  opened  his  pipes  in  such  a  manner,  that  he  was  heard 
almost  from  one  end  of  the  street  to  the  other ;  and  still 
leading  his  mother,  he  continued  thus  singing,  'till  a 
kinsman  came  to  him,  and  stopping  his  mouth,  asked 
him  his  reason  for  his  irreverent  and  indecent  carriage. 
Why,  cousin,  quoth  this  Xe'er-be-good,  the  boys  there 
at  my  father's  death  sing  for  something,  and  won't  you 
let  me  sing  for  nothing  ? 

335.  The  famous  Mr.  Amner  going  through  a  street 
in  Windsor,  two  boys  looked  out  of  a  one-pair  of  stairs 
window,  and  cried,  There  goes  Mr.  Amner  that  makes 
so  many  bulls.  He  hearing  them,  looked  up  saying,  You 
rascals,  I  know  you  ^^-ell  enough,  and  if  I  had  you  here, 
I'd  kick  you  down  stairs. 

336.  The  same  gentleman  crossing  the  water  in  a  fer- 
ry-boat at  Datchet,  the  good  man  of  the  ferry  being 
from  home,  his  wife  did  his  office ;  and  not  putting  in 
the  boat  just  at  the  landing  place,  Mr.  Amner  at  his 
landing  sunk  into  the  mud  over  his  shoes  ;  and  going 
a  little  farther  he  met  Avith  a  friend,  who  asked,  How  he 
came  so  dirty  ?  'Egad,  replied  Mr,  Amner,  no  man  was 
ever  so  abused  as  I  have  been  ;  for  coming  over  Datchet 
ferry,  a  scurvy  woman  waterman  put  over  his  boat  and 
landed  me  clean  in  the  mire. 

337.  A  poor  woman  in  the  country  sent  her  son  to  a 
gentleman's  house,  upon  some  errand  or  other.  The 
loitering  lad  stayed  somewhat  too  long,  looking  upon  a 
dog  in  the  wheel  that  turned  the  spit ;  so  that  when  he 
came  home,  his  mother  beat  him  soundly :  execution 
ended,  the  boy  told  her.  If  she  had  been  there,  she  would 
have  stayed  as  long  as  he  ;  and  she  demanding  the  rea- 
son, he  said,  Oh,  mother,  it  would  have  done  you  good 


JOE  miller's  jests.  67 

to  have  seen  how  daintily  a  dog  in  a  wheel  spun  roast 
meat. 

338.  In  Flanders,  by  accident,  a  Flemish  tiler  fixlling 
from  the  top  of  a  house  upon  a  Spaniard,  killed  him, 
though  he  escaped  himself.  The  next  of  the  blood  pro- 
secuted his  death  with  great  violence  against  the  tiler; 
and  when  he  was  offered  pecuniary  recompence,  nothing 
would  serve  him  but  lex  taUoiiis.  Whereupon,  the 
judge  said  unto  him,  That  if  he  did  urge  that  kind  of 
sentence,  it  must  be,  that  he  should  go  up  to  the  top  of 

\    the  same  house,  and  from  thence  fall  down  upon  the 
tiler. 

339.  A  lord  intended  to  take  in  a  great  part  of  the 
common  belonging  to  the  town,  and  he  agreed  Avith  a 
carpenter  to  have  it  railed  in  :  My  lord,  said  he,  it  shall 
be  done,  and  I  think  I  can  save  you  some  charges  in  the 
business ;  For,  said  he,  do  you  but  get  posts,  and  I  doubt 
not  but  all  the  neighbors  round  about  will  find  you  rail- 
ing enough. 

340.  A  brave  Dutch  captain  being  commanded  by  his 
colonel  to  go  on  a  dangerous  exploit  against  the  French, 
with  forces  that  were  unlikely  to  achieve  the  enterprise, 
the  captain  advised  his  colonel  to  send  but  half  so  many 
men  :  Send  but  half  so  many  men !  why  so  ?  said  the 
colonel.  Because,  replied  the  captain,  they  are  enough 
to  be  knocked  on  the  head. 

341.  A  fellow  hearing  the  drums  beat  up  for  volun- 
teers for  France,  in  the  expedition  against  the  Dutch, 
imagined  himself  valiant  enough,  and  thereupon  listed 
himself;  returning  again,  he  was  asked  by  his  friends, 
What  exploits  he  had  done  there  ?  He  said,  That  he 
had  cut  off  one  of  the  enemy's  legs  ;  and  being  told  that 
it  had  been  more  honourable  and  manly  to  have  cut  off 
his  head ;  Oh,  said  he,  you  must  know  his  head  was  cut 
off  before. 

342.  A  person  of  quality  coming  into  a  church,  at  the 
place  where  several  of  his  ancestors  were  buried,  after 
he  had  said  much  in  their  commendation  and  praised 


69  JOE   JkllLLER's   JESTS. 

them  for  worthy  men ;  Well,  said  he,  I  am  resolved,  if 
I  live,  to  be  buried  as  near  them  as  possible. 

343.  An  Irishman  having  been  obliged  to  live  with 
his  master  some  time  in  Scotland ;  when  he  came  home 
again,  some  of  his  companions  asked  him.  How  he  liked 
Scotland  ?  I  will  tell  you  now,  said  he,  I  was  sick  all 
de  while  I  Avas  dere,  and  if  I  had  lived  dere  till  this  time, 
I  had  been  dead  a  year  ago. 

344.  A  certain  duchess,  in  a  late  reign,  hearing  that  a 
man  in  a  high  office,  which  gave  him  an  opportunity  of 
handling  much  cash,  had  married  his  mistress ;  Good 
Lord,  said  she,  that  old  fellow  is  always  robbing  the 
jDublic. 

345.  A  book  being  published  in  Queen  Elizabeth's 
time  that  gave  her  much  offence,  she  asked  Bacon  if  he 
could  find  no  treason  in  it  ?  No,  madam,  said  he,  but 
abundance  of  felony,  for  the  author  hath  stolen  half  his 
conceits  out  of  Tacitus. 

346.  A  young  lady  being  sick,  a  physician  was  sent 
for  to  feel  her  pulse  ;  she  being  very  coy,  and  loth  he 
should  touch  iier  skin,  pulled  her  sleeve  over  her  hand ; 
the  doctor  observing  it,  took  a  corner  of  his  coat,  and 
laid  it  upon  the  sleeve  ;  at  which  a  lady  that  stood  by 
wondered  :  O,  madam,  said  he,  a  linen  pulse  must  always 
have  a  woollen  physician. 

347.  Tom  Clarke,  of  St.  John's,  desired  a  fellow  of 
the  same  college  to  lend  him  Bishop  Burnet's  History 
of  the  Reformation  ;  the  other  told  him.  He  could  not 
spare  it  out  of  his  chamber,  but,  if  he  pleased,  he  might 
come  there  and  read  it  all  day  long.  Some  time  after 
the  same  gentleman  sent  to  Tom  to  borrow  his  bellows : 
Tom  sent  him  word,  that  he  could  not  possibly  spare 
them  out  of  his  chamber,  but  he  might  come  there  and 
use  them  all  day  long  if  he  would. 

348.  King  Charles  H.  on  a  certain  time  paying  a  visit 
to  Dr.  Busby,  the  doctor  is  said  to  have  strutted  through 
his  school  with  his  hat  upon  his  head,  while  his  majesty 
walked  complaisantly  behind  him,  with  his  hat  under  his 


JOE    MILLER'S    JESTS.  69 

arm  ;  but,  when  he  was  taking  his  leave  at  the  door,  the 
doctor  with  great  humility  addressed  him  thus  :  Sire,  I 
hope  your  majesty  will  excuse  my  want  of  respect  hith- 
erto ;  but  if  my  boys  were  to  imagine  there  was  a  greater 
man  in  the  kingdom  than  myself,  I  should  never  be  able 
to  rule  them.    - 

349.  Dr.  Hickringal,  who  was  one  of  King  Charles 
the  Second's  chaplains,  whenever  he  preached  before  his 
majesty,  was  sure  to  tell  him  of  his  faults,  and  to  scold 
him  from  the  pulpit  very  severely.  One  day  his  majesty, 
walking  in  the  Mall,  observed  the  doctor  before  him,  and 
sent  to  speak  to  him  ;  when  he  came, — Doctor,  said  the 
king.  What  have  I  done  to  you  that  you  are  always 
quarreling  with  me  ?  I  hope  your  majesty  is  not  angry 
w^ith  me,  quoth  the  doctor,  for  telling  the  truth.  No,  no, 
said  the  king,  but  I  would  have  us  for  the  future  be 
friends.  Well,  well,  quoth  the  doctor,  I'll  make  it  up 
with  your  majesty  on  these  terms,  as  you  mend,  I'll  mend. 

350.  In  a  little  country  town,  it  happened  that  the 
'squire  of  the  parish's  lady  came  to  church  after  her 
lying-in,  to  return  thanks,  or  as  it  is  commonly  called,  to 
be  churched  :  The  parson  aiming  to  be  complaisant,  and 
thinking  plain  '  woman  '  a  little  too  familiar,  instead  of 
saying,  O  Lord,  save  this  woman  ;  said,  O  Lord,  save 
this  lady.  The  clerk,  resolving  not  to  be  behindhand 
with  him,  answered.  Who  putteth  her  ladyship's  trust 
in  thee. 

451.  One  of  King  James  the  First's  chaplains  preach- 
ing before  the  court  at  Whitehall,  made  use  of  the  fol- 
lowing quibbles  in  his  discourse.  Speaking  of  the  de- 
pravity of  the  age.  Almost  all-houses,  he  said,  were  made 
ale-houses; — that  men  made  matri-money  a  matter  of 
money ;  and  placed  their  Para-dise  in  a  pair  of  dice  : 
Was  it  so  in  the  days  of  No-ah  ?     Ah,  no. 

352.  The  Rev.  Mr.  Henley  w^aiting  one  day  at  Sir 
Robert  Walpole's  levee,  was  asked  by  the  knight  what 
brought  him  there  ?  The  orator  leplied,  I  hear  you  want 
a  good  pen.  No,  said  Sir  Robert,  I  don't.  Then,  said 
the  orator,  I  have  a  bad  one,  which  perhaps  you  may  not 


70  JOE  miller's  jests. 

like.    Well,  said  the  knight,  if  it  is  very  bad,  I  must  get 
one  of  the  Secretaries  of  State  to  mend  it. 

353.  Several  press-gangs  infesting  the  streets  of  the 
city  and  subm'bs,  one  of  which  giving  umbrage  to  a 
merry  punster,  who  had  just  staggered  from  a  tavern 
into  the  middle  of  them :  he  said  pleasantly  enough,  God 
bless  his  majesty's  arms  !  But  as  to  the  supporters,  they 
are  beasts. 

354.  It  was  well  answered  by  Archbishop  Tillotson  to 
King  William,  when  he  complained  of  the  shortness  of 
his  sermon  :  Sir,  said  the  bishop,  could  I  have  bestowed 
more  time  on  it,  it  would  have  been  shorter. 

355.  Mr.  Prior,  when  ambassador,  witnessing  one  of 
the  French  operas  at  Paris,  and  seated  in  a  box  with  a 
nobleman  he  was  free  with,  who,  as  usual  in  France, 
sung  louder  than  t-lie  performer,  burst  into  bitter  in- 
A^ectives  against  the  latter ;  upon  which  his  lordship 
gave  over  to  inquire  the  reason,  adding,  that  the  person 
he  exclaimed  against  so  fiercely,  was  One  of  the  finest 
voices  they  had.  Yes,  replied  his  excellency,  but  he 
makes  such  a  horrid  noise,  that  I  can't  have  the  pleasure 
to  hear  your  lordship. 

356.  A  living  of  500^.  per  annum,  falling  in  the  gift  of 
the  late  Lord  Chancellor  Talbot,  Sir  Robert  Walpole  re- 
commended one  of  his  friends  as  very  deserving  of  the 
benefice,  whom  his  lordship  approved  of.  In  the  interim, 
the  curate,  Avho  had  served  the  last  incumbent  many  years 
for  a  poor  30^.  per  annum,  came  up  with  a  petition,  sign- 
ed by  many  of  the  inhabitants,  testifying  his  good  be- 
haviour, setting  forth  that  he  had  a  wife  and  seven  child- 
ren to  maintain,  and  begging  his  lordship  would  stand 
his  friend,  that  he  might  be  continued  in  his  curacy  ; 
and,  in  consideration  of  his  large  fiimily,  if  he  could 
prevail  with  the  next  incumbent  to  add  10^.  a  year,  he 
should  for  ever  pray  for  him.  His  lordship,  according 
to  his  usual  goodness,  promised  to  use  his  utmost  en- 
deavours to  serve  him  ;  and  the  reverend  gentleman,  for 
whom  the  living  was  designed,  coming  soon  after  to  pay 
liis  respects,  my  lord  told  him  the  affair  of  the  curate, 


JOE   MILLER'S    JESTS.  ^1 

with  this  difference  only,  that  he  shouhl  allow  him  60/. 
a  year  instead  of  30/.  Tlie  clergyman  in  some  confu- 
sion, replied,  He  was  sorry  that  he  could  not  grant  his 
request,  for  that  he  had  promised  the  curacy  to  another, 
and  could  not  go  from  his  word.  How!  said  the  noble- 
man, have  you  promised  the  curacy  before  you  were  pos- 
sessed of  the  living  ?  Well,  to  keep  your  word  with 
your  friend,  if  you  please,  I'll  give  him  the  curacy,  but 
the  living,  I  assure  you,  I'll  give  to  another:  and  saying 
this  he  left  him.  .The  next  day  the  poor  curate  coming 
to  know  his  destiny,  my  lord  told  him.  That  he  had  used 
his  endeavours  to  serve  him  as  to  the  curacy,  but  with 
no  success,  the  reverend  gentleman  having  disposed  of 
it  before.  The  curate,  with  a  deep  sigh,  returned  his 
lordship  thanks  for  his  goodness,  and  was  going  to  with- 
draw, when  my  lord  calling  him  back,  said  with  a  smile, 
Well,  my  friend,  'tis  true,  I  have  it  not  in  my  power  to 
give  you  the  curacy ;  but  if  you  will  accept  of  the  living 
'tis  at  your  service. 

357.  The  same  noble  lord,  wdien  he  was  under  the 

tuition  of  the  Reverend  ,  who  used  to  call  him 

his  little  chancellor,  one  day  replied,  that  Avhen  he  was 
so  he  would  give  him  a  good  living.  One  happening  to 
become  vacant  soon  after  he  was  chancellor,  he  recol- 
lected his  promise,  and  ordered  the  j^resentation  to  be 
filled  up  for  his  old  master,  who  soon  after  came  to  his 
lordship  to  remind  him  of  his  promise,  and  to  ask  him 
for  the  living.  Why,  really,  said  my  lord,  I  wish  you 
had  come  a  day  sooner,  but  I  have  given  it  away  already, 
and  when  you  see  to  whom,  I  dare  say  you  will  not  think 
me  to  blame. 

358.  A  country  curate  being  one  Friday  in  Lent  to 
examine  his  young  catechumens,  and  the  bell  tolling  for 
prayers,  he  was  obliged  to  leave  a  game  of  all-fours  un- 
finished, in  Avhich  he  had  the  advantage ;  but  told  his 
antagonist  he  would  soon  dispatch  his  audience,  and  see 
him  out.  Now  for  fear  any  tricks  should  be  played  with 
the  cards  in  his  absence,  he  put  them  in  his  cassock  ;  and 
asking  one  of  the  children  how  many  commandments 
there  were,  which  the  boy  not  readily  answering,  by  ac- 


12  JOE  miller's  jests. 

cident  one  of  the  cards  dropped  out  of  his  sleeve  ;  he 
had  the  presence  of  mind  to  bid  the  boy  take  it  up,  and 
tell  him  what  card  it  was ;  which  he  readily  did  :  when 
tm-ning  to  the  parents  of  the  child,  Are  you  not  ashamed, 
said  he,  to  pay  so  little  regard  to  the  eternal  welfare 
of  your  children,  as  not  to  teach  them  their  command- 
ments ?  I  suspected  your  neglect,  and  brought  this 
card  with  me,  to  detect  your  immorality,  in  teaching 
your  children  to  know  their  cards  before  their  command- 
ments. 

359.  Dr.  South  visiting  a  gentleman  one  morning,  he 
was  asked  to  stay  to  dinner;  Avhich  he  accepting,  the 
gentleman  stepped  into  the  next  room,  and  told  his  wife 
he  had  invited  the  doctor  to  dinner,  and  desired  her  to 
provide  something  extraordinary.  Hereupon  she  began 
to  murmur  and  scold,  and  make  a  thousand  w^ords,  till 
at  last  her  husband,  being  very  much  provoked  at  her 
behaviour,  protested,  that  if  it  was  not  for  the  stranger 
in  the  next  room,  he  would  kick  her  out  of  doors.  Upon 
which  the  doctor,  who  had  heard  all  that  passed,  im- 
mediately stepped  out,  crying,  I  beg,  sir,  you'll  make 
no  stranger  of  me. 

360.  A  woman  of  bad  character  who  had  lived  in 
Clerkenwell,  having  left  by  her  Avill  a  handsome  sum  of 
money  to  be  given  to  the  Rev.  Dr.  Lee,  to  preach  her 
funeral  sermon,  but  on  condition  that  he  should  say 
nothing  but  what  was  well  of  her.  Her  executors  ac- 
cordingly waited  on  the  doctor,  and  acquainted  him  with 
the  conditions  of  the  will ;  who  being  very  much  sur- 
prised at  such  a  request,  desired  them  to  call  again,  and 
he  would  consider  of  it.  Soon  after  they  came  again 
when  he  agreed  that  on  the  money  being  paid  directly, 
he  w^ould  preach  the  follow^ing  Sunday.  The  doctor 
kept  his  word,  and  taking  the  text,  "  Blessed  are  they," 
&c.,  made  an  excellent  sermon  on  a  well-spent  life,  and 
the  reward  they  would  have  in  the  next  world ;  conclud- 
ing, Dear  friends,  said  he,  as  for  the  deceased,  of  whom 
I  am  now  going  to  speak  (which  caused  great  attention 
from  the  congregation),  all  I  shall  say  of  her  is,  that  she 
was  born  at  Camberwell,  lived  great  part  of  her  time  in 


JOE   MILLER'S   JESTS.  ''  73 

Bridewell,  and  died  in  Clerkenwell,  and  at  Mst  has  done 
well ;  then  let  us  pray  that  she  may  fare  well,  &c.,  &g. 

361.  The  Rev.  Mr.  B — n  coming  from  Holland  with 
the  King,  a  terrible  hurricane  arising,  the  sloop  was  in 
great  danger  of  being  lost.  The  facetious  Mr.  B — d,  of 
Albemarle-street,  being  in  the  cabin  with  him,  and  very 
willing  to  prepare  himself  for  another  world,  desired 
him  to  take  notice,  that  if  they  were  cast  away,  the  shirt 

he  had  on  belonged  to  Mr.  G ,  and  that  he  might 

have  it  again  ;  then  falling  on  his  knees,  he  attempted  to 
rehearse  the  Lord's  Prayer,  but  with  such  a  tone  as  af- 
frighted the  ship's  crew ;  on  which  the  captain  running 
down,  desired  him  to  pray  to  himself;  and  to  his  great 
surprise  found  the  doctor  stripping  himself :  Pray,  doc- 
tor, said  he,  what  do  you  design  to  do  ?  Oh,  said  he, 
let  him  pray ;  I  design  to  swim  for  my  life. 

362.  The  Lord  Chief  Justice  Wh— d,  of  the  King's 
Bench  in  Ireland,  being  esteemed  a  very  able  lawyer, 
and  Judge  C — d  and  B — t  but  very  indifferent  ones ; 
Well,  said  an  attorney  of  that  court,  no  bench  was  ever 
supplied  like  ours,  for  w^e  have  got  a  hundred  judges  upon 
it.  A  hundred !  said  another,  how  can  that  be  ?  Why, 
replied  the  other,  there  is  a  figure  of  one,  and  two 
ciphers. 

363.  One  Mr.  Ash,  who  was  himself  a  famous  punster, 
in  Ireland,  coming  into  an  inn,  desired  the  landlord  to 
lend  him  a  hand  to  pull  off  his  great  coat :  Indeed,  sir, 
said  he,  I  dare  not.  Dare  not !  replied  the  other,  what 
do  you  mean  by  that?  You  know,  sir,  answered  he, 
there  is  an  act  of  parliament  against  stripping  of  Ash. 

364.  King  Charles  the  Second,  after  the  Restoration, 
told  Waller  the  poet,  that  he  had  made  better  verses  and 
said  finer  things  of  Cromwell  than  of  him.  That  may 
very  well  be,  replied  Waller,  for  poets  generally  succeed 
better  in  imaginary  things,  than  in  real  ones. 

365.  An  honest  French  dragoon  in  the  service  of  Louis 
the  Fourteenth,  having  caught  a  man  of  whom  he  was 
jealous  in  the  room  with  his  wife,  after  some  words,  told 


n 

him,  he  woMd  let  him  escape  that  time ;  but  if  ever  he 
found  him  there  again,  he'd  throw  his  hat  out  of  the 
window.  Notwithstanding  this  terrible  threat,  in  a  very 
few  days  he  caught  the  spark  in  the  same  place,  and  was 
as  good  as  his  word.  Knowing  wliat  he  had  done,  he 
posted  away  to  a  place  where  the  king  was,  and  throw- 
ing himself  at  his  majesty's  feet,  implored  his  pardon. 
The  king  asked  him  what  his  oifence  was  ?  he  told  him 
the  story,  and  how  he  had  tlirown  the  man's  hat  out  of 
the  window.  Well,  well,  said  the  king,  laughing,  I  very 
readily  forgive  you ;  considering  your  provocation,  I 
think  you  were  much  in  the  right  to  throw  his  hat  out 
of  the  window.  Yes,  and  may  it  please  you,  my  liege, 
said  the  dragoon,  but  his  head  was  in  it.  Was  it  so  ? 
replied  the  king  :  well,  my  word  is  passed. 

366.  A  young  and  learned  gentleman,  who  was  to 
preach  a  probation  sermon  for  a  very  good  lectureship 
in  the  city,  and  had  but  a  bad  voice,  though  otherwise 
an  excellent  preacher ;  a  friend,  when  he  came  out  of 
the  pulpit,  wished  him  joy,  and  said  he  would  certainly 
carry  the  election,  for  he  had  nobody's  voice  against  him 
but  his  own. 

367.  Some  repartees,  strictly  speaking,  ought  not  to  be 
brought  under  the  head  of  jests,  yet,  for  the  readiness 
of  the  thought,  and  the  politeness  of  the  expression,  are 
somewhat  better.  Of  this  sort  was  the  answer  made  by 
Sir  Robert  Sutton  to  the  late  King  of  Prussia,  on  his 
asking  him  at  a  review  of  his  tall  grenadiers,  if  he  would 
say  an  equal  number  of  Englishmen  could  beat  them  ? 
No,  sire,  answered  Sir  Robert,  I  won't  pretend  to  say 
that,  but  I  believe  half  the  number  would  try. 

368.  Sir  John  H.  C.  being  in  the  Court  of  Requests 

one  morning,  soon  after  Sir  Rob.  W had  married 

Miss  S ,  and  overhearing  him  tell  a  gentleman,  who 

congratulated  him  upon  that  occasion,  that  he  was  glad 
his  friends  were  pleased  with  what  he  had  done — Ay, 
and  so  are  your  enemies  too,  said  he. 

369.  The  Earl  of  C d,  notwithstanding  his  great 

good  nature,  upon  some  provocation  was,  at  a  certain 


JOE  miller's  jests.  75 

time,  forced  to  lay  his  cane  across  the  shoulders  of  Sir 

Harry  ,  who  took  it  very  patiently.      Some    time 

after,  Sir  Harry  himself  caned  a  fellow,  who  was  a  great 
coward :  npon  which,  my  lord  meeting  him  the  nextday, 
told  him  he  was  glad  to  hear  he  behaved  so  gallantly 
yesterday.  Ay,  my  lord,  said  he,  you  and  I  knoV  whom 
we  beat. 

370.  The  Cardinal  de  Retz  being  out  of  favour  at 
court,  and  at  last  recalled  to  kiss  the  King's  hand,  the 
king  said  to  him.  Your  eminence's  hair  is  grown  quite 
white.  To  which  he  replied.  It  would  make  a  younger 
man  than  I  am  look  grey,  to  have  been  so  long  in  dis- 
grace with  your  majesty  as  I  have. 

571.  Upon  the  death  of  the  famous  Moliere,  a  poet 
waiting  with  his  epitaph  upon  the  Prince  of  Conde,  the 
Prince  told  him,  he  should  have  been  much  better  pleas- 
ed, if  Moliere  had  brought  him  his. 

372.  A  bishop  going  in  great  haste  to  Rome,  to  be 
cardinalized,  missed  his  promotion,  and  returned  ;  but 
got  a  violent  cold  by  the  way :  It  is  no  wonder,  said  one 
that  was  told  of  it,  since  he  came  so  far  without  his  hat. 

373.  A  gentleman  being  very  drunk,  came  to  a  friend's 
house,  and  told  him,  he  came  three  miles  on  purpose  to 
sup  with  him  :  to  which  the  other  answered.  He  was 
greatly  obliged  to  him,  since  he  came  so  far  to  see  him 
before  he  came  to  himself 

374.  A  Scotch  parson  in  the  rump-time,  in  his  babbling 
prayer,  said.  Laird  bless  the  grand  council,  the  parlia- 
ment, and  grant  they  may  all  hang  together.  A  country- 
fellow  standing  by,  said.  Yes,  yes,  with  all  my  heart,  and 
the  sooner  the  better ;  and  I  am  sure  it  is  the  prayers  of 
all  good  people.  But  friends,  said  Sawney,  I  don't  mean 
as  that  fellow  means,  but  pray  tliey  may  all  hang  together 
in  accord  and  concord.  No  matter  w^hat  cord,  replied 
the  otlier,  so  it  is  but  a  strong  cord. 

375.  An  honest  highlander,  walking  along  Holborn, 
heard  a  voice  cry.  Rogue,  Scot ;  Rogue,  Scot ;  his  north- 


76  JOE  miller's  jests. 

ern  blood  fired  at  the  insult,  he  drew  his  broadsword, 
looking  round  him  on  every  side,  to  discover  the  object 
of  his  indignation  ;  he  at  last  found  that  it  came  from  a 
parrot,  perched  in  a  balcony  within  his  reach ;  but  the 
generous  Scot,  disdaining  to  stain  his  trusty  blade  with 
such  ignoble  blood,  put  up  his  sword  again,  with  a  sour 
smile,  saying.  Gin  ye  were  a  mon,  as  ye're  a  green  geuse, 
I  would  split  your  ween. 

376.  The  Kev.  Mr.  Brodie  preaching  one  day  at  the 
kirk  in  Edinburgh  on  hell  torments,  represented  them  to 
be  intolerable,  by  the  extreme  cold  they  suffered  there. 
And  it  being  at  that  time  very  cold  weather,  one  of  his 
congregation,  after  sermon,  took  upon  him  to  ask  him 
the  reason  of  his  so  doing,  when  all  the  eminent  divines 
had  preached  it  uj)  to  be  the  reverse.  O  sir,  said  he,  I 
had  good  reason ;  for  if  I  had  told  them  it  was  hot,  I 
should  have  had  them  all  run  away  to  warm  themselves. 

377.  An  Irishman  having  a  looking-glass  in  his  hand, 
shut  his  eyes,  and  placed  it  before  his  face  ;  another  ask- 
ing him.  Why  he  did  so  ?  Upon  my  shoul,  said  Teague, 
it  is  to  see  how  I  look  when  I  am  asleep. 

378.  Two  gentlemen  standing  together,  as  a  young 
lady  passed  by  them,  said  one.  There  goes  the  handsom- 
est woman  I  ever  saw.  She  hearing  him,  turned  back, 
and  seeing  him  him  very  ugly,  said,  I  wish  I  could,  in  re- 
turn, say  as  much  by  you.  So  you  may,  madam,  said 
he,  and  tell  a  falsehood  as  I  did. 

379.  An  impudent  ridiculous  fellow,  being  laughed  at 
by  all  who  came  in  his  company,  told  some  of  his  ac- 
quaintance, that  he  had  a  happy  quality  of  laughing  at 
all  Avho  laughed  at  him.  Then,  said  one  of  them,  you 
lead  the  merriest  life  of  any  man  in  Christendom. 

380.  Alexander  the  Great  asked  Dionedes,  a  famous 
pirate,  who  was  brought  prisoner  to  him,  why  he  was  so 
bold  as  to  rob  and  plunder  in  his  seas  ?  he  answered, 
That  he'  did  it  for  his  profit,  and  as  Alexander  himself 
was  used  to  do  it.  But  because  I  do  it  with  one  single 
galley,  I  am  called  a  pirate ;  but  you,  sire,  who  do  it 


JOE  miller's  jests.  77 

with  a  great  army,  are  called  a  king.     This  bold  answer 
so  pleased  Alexander,  that  he  set  him  at  liberty. 

381.  A  ploughman  seeing  the  Archbishop  of  Cologne 
go  by,  attended  by  a  great  many  soldiers,  laughed  ;  the 
archlDisliop  pressed  him  to  know  the  reason  :  It  is  because 
I  wonder,  said  the  ploughman,  to  see  an  archbishop  arm- 
ed and  followed,  not  by  churchmen,  but  by  soldiers,  like 
a  general  of  an  army.  Friend,  replied  the  archbishop, 
in  my  church  I  perform  the  part  of  an  archbishop  with 
my  clergy ;  but  in  the  field  I  march  like  a  duke,  acconi- 
j)anied  by  my  soldiers.  I  understand  you,  my  lord, 
answered  the  jaeasant ;  but  pray  tell  me,  when  my  lord 
duke  goes  to  the  devil,  what  will  then  become  of  my 
lord  the  archbishop  ? 

382.  The  Duke  of  Guise,  after  a  battle  fought  between 
Francis  I.  and  Charles  Y.  reproached  Villandry,  that 
though  he  was  in  complete  armour,  yet  he  had  not  been 
seen  in  the  fight.  I'll  make  it  out,  answered  Villandry, 
boldly,  that  I  was  there,  and  in  a  place  where  you  durst 
not  be  seen.  The  duke  nettled  at  tiiis  reproach,  threaten- 
ed to  punish  him  severely;  but  he  appeased  him  with 
these  words :  I,  my  lord,  was  with  the  baggage,  where 
your  courage  would  not  suffer  you  to  go. 

383.  Hermon  was  so  covetous,  according  to  the  test- 
imony of  Lucilius,  that  dreaming  one  night  that  he  had 
spent  some  money,  he  hanged  himself  in  the  morning ; 
but  Dinarchee  Philo  quitted  the  design  he  had  once 
taken  to  hang  himself,  because  he  grudged  the  expense 
of  a  rope. 

384.  Dr.  M — d  coming  out  of  Tom's  coffee-house,  an 
impudent  broken  apothecary  met  him  at  the  door,  and 
accosted  him  with  a  request  to  lend  him  five  guineas  : 
Sir,  said  the  doctor,  I  am  surprised  that  5^ou  should  apply 
to  me  for  such  a  favour ;  who  do  not  know  you !  Oh, 
dear  sir,  replied  the  apothecary,  it  is  for  that  very  rea- 
son ;  for  those  who  do  won't  lend  me  a  farthing. 

385.  An  old  superstitious  Roman,  who  had  his  buskins 
rateaten,  consulted  Cato,  in  a  grave  manner,  what  such 


^8  JOE  miller's  jests. 

an  accident  might  portend.  Cato  bid  him  set  his  mind 
at  rest,  for  there  would  come  no  mischief  from  it.  But, 
said  the  philosopher,  if  your  buskins  had  eaten  the  rats, 
it  might  have  been  dangerous. 

386.  Philip,  king  of  Macedon,  after  the  battle  of  Che- 
ronea,  having  generously  set  all  the  Athenian  prisoners 
free,  upon  their  unconscionably  demanding  their  bag- 
gage, Sure,  said  he,  the  men  fancy  we  had  but  a  mock 
light. 

387.  An  archbishop  finding  fault  with  some  actions  of 
Queen  Elizabeth,  brought  her  good  arguments  out  of  the 
scriptures  to  prove,  that  they  lavoured  more  of  the  poli- 
tician than  the  christian.  I  see,  said  she,  my  lord,  you 
have  read  the  scriptures,  but  not  the  book  of  Kings. 

388.  In  a  visit  Queen  Elizabeth  made  to  the  famous 
Lord  Chancellor  Bacon,  at  a  small  country  seat,  wliich 
he  had  built  for  himself  before  his  preferment ;  she  asked 
liim,  how  it  came  that  he  had  made  himself  so  small  a 
house  ?  It  is  not  I,  madam,  answered  he,  Avho  have 
made  my  house  too  small  for  myself,  but  your  majesty, 
who  has  made  me  too  big  for  my  house. 

389.  Some  person  praising  a  generous  prince  for  virtues 
he  had  not ;  Well,  said  he,  I'll  do  my  utmost  to  hinder 
your  telling  an  untruth. 

390.  King  William  III.  being  upon  a  march  for  some 
secret  expedition,  was  entreated  by  a  general  to  tell  him 
what  his  design  was :  the  king,  instead  of  answering 
him,  asked  him,  whether,  in  case  he  sliould  tell  him,  he 
could  keep  it  a  secret,  and  would  let  it  go  no  flirther ;  the 
general  promised  it  should  not.  Well,  answered  his 
majesty,  I  know  how  to  keep  a  secret  as  well  as  you. 

391.  Mr.  T — s  C — r,  the  comedian,  coming  one  day  to 
his  father,  begged  him  to  let  him  hav^e  a  hundred  pounds, 
which  would  make  him  perfectly  easy  in  his  afilxirs. 
Why,  then,  said  the  father,  it  is  very  strange  you  can't 
live  upon  your  salary,  your  benefit,  and  other  advantages; 
when  I  was  of  your  age,  I  never  spent  any  of  my  father's 
money.   I  do  not  know  that,  answered  the  son,  but  I  am 


79 

sure  you  have  sj)ent  a  great  many  hundred  pounds  of  my 
father's  money. 

392.  An  ordinary  country  fellow  being  called  as  an 
evidence  in  a  court  of  judicature,  in  a  cause  where  the 
terms  of  mortgager  and  mortgagee  were  frequently 
used,' the  judge  asked  the  countryman  if  he  knew  the 
difference  between  the  mortgager  and  mortgagee  :  Yes, 
said  he,  it  is  the  same  as  between  the  nodder  and  nod- 
dee.  How  is  that  ?  replied  the  judge.  Why,  you  sit 
there,  my  lord,  said  the  clown,  and  I  nod  at  you ;  then  I 
am  the  nodder,  and  your  lordship  is  the  noddee. 

393.  Two  fellows  meeting,  one  asked  the  other,  why 
he  looked  so  sad?  I  have  very  good  reasons  for  it, 
answered  the  otlier ;  poor  Jack  Such-a-one,  the  greatest 
crony  and  best  friend  I  had  in  the  world,  Avas  hanged 
but  two  days  ago.  What  had  he  done  ?  said  the  first. 
Alas,  replied  the  other,  he  did  no  more  than  you  or  I 
would  have  done  on  the  like  occasion ;  he  found  a  bridle 
in  the  road,  and  took  it  up.  What !  answered  the  other, 
hang  a  man  for  taking  a  bridle  !  That's  hard  indeed. 
To  tell  the  truth  of  the  matter,  said  the  other,  there  was 
a  horse  at  the  end  of  it. 

394.  It  was  a  fine  saying  of  my  lord  Russell,  who  was 
beheaded  in  the  reign  of  King  Charles  II.,  when  on  the 
scaffold,  he  delivered  his  watch  to  Dr.  Gilbert  Burnet, 
afterwards  bishop  of  Salisbury  :  Here,  sir,  said  he,  take 
this,  it  shows  time  :  I  am  going  into  eternity,  and  shall 
have  no  longer  any  need  of  it. 

395.  Queen  Elizabeth,  having  taken  notice  of  the 
Duke  de  Villa  Medina's  gallant  behaviour  at  a  tourna- 
ment, told  him  one  day,  that  she  would  absolutely  know 
who  his  mistress  was  :  Yilla  Medina  excused  himself 
awhile,  but  at  last  yielding  to  her  curiosity,  he  promised 
to  send  her  her  picture.  The  next  morning  he  sent  her 
majesty  a  packet ;  wherein  the  Queen  finding  nothing 
but  a  small  looking-glass,  presently  understood  the 
Spaniard's  meaning. 

396.  A  dyer,  in  a  court  of  justice,  being  ordered  to 


80  JOE   MILLER  S    JESTS. 

hold  up  his  hand  that  was  all  black  ;  Take  off  your  glove, 
friend,  said  the  judge  to  him.  Put  on  your  spectacles, 
my  lord,  answered  the  dyer. 

397.  A  sober  young  woman,  who  was  treating  with  a 
maidservant  about  work  and  wages,  asked  her,  among 
other  questions,  what  religion  she  was  of?  Alack-a-day, 
madam,  said  the  poor  innocent  girl,  I  never  trouble  my 
head  about  that ;  for  religion,  I  thought,  Avas  only  for 
gentlefolks. 

398.  Admiral  Chatillon  being  on  a  holiday  gone  to 
hear  mass  in  the  Dominican  friars'  chapel,  a  poor  fellow 
begged  his  charity,  just  as  he  was  most  intent  on  his  de- 
votions. He  felt  in  his  pocket,  and  gave  him  several 
pieces  of  gold,  without  counting  them,  or  minding  what 
they  were.  The  considerable  alms  so  dazzled  the  beg- 
gar's eyes,  that  he  was  amazed  at  it.  As  M.  Chatillon 
Avas  going  out  of  the  church  door,  where  the  poor  man 
waited  for  him  ;  Sir,  said  he,  showing  him  what  he  had 
given  him,  I  cannot  tell  whether  you  intended  to  give 
me  so  large  a  sum  ;  if  not,  I  am  very  ready  to  return  it. 
The  admiral,  wondering  at  the  honesty  of  the  man,  said, 
I  did  not,  indeed,  honest  man,  intend  to  have  given  you 
so  much ;  but,  since  you  have  the  generosity  to  offer  to 
return  it,  I  will  have  the  generosity  to  desire  you  to  keep 
it,  and  there  are  five  pieces  more  for  you. 

399.  A  certain  captain,  who  had  made  a  greater  figure 
than  his  fortune  could  well  bear,  and  the  regiment  not 
being  paid  as  was  expected,  was  forced  to  put  off  a  great 
part  of  his  equipage  ;  a  few  days  after,  as  he  was  walk- 
ing by  the  roadside,  he  saw  one  of  his  soldiers  sitting 
cleaning  himself  under  a  hedge  :  What  are  you  doing 
there,  Tom  ?  said  the  officer.  Why,  faith,  sir,  answered 
the  soldier,  I  am  following  your  example,  getting  rid  of 
part  of  my  retinue. 

400.  One  who  had  formerly  been  rich,  but  had  squan- 
dered away  his  estate,  and  left  himself  no  furniture  in 
the  house  but  a  sorry  bed,  a  little  table,  a  few  broken 
chairs,  and  some  other  odd  things,  seeing  a  parcel  of 
thieves,  who  knew  not  his  condition,  breaking  into  his 


JOE  miller's  jests.  81 

house  in  the  night,  he  cried  out  to  them,  Are  not  you  a 
pack  of  fools,  to  think  to  find  anything  here  in  the  dark, 
when  I  can  find  nothing  by  daylight  ? 

401.  A  certain  great  lord  having,  by  his  extravagan- 
cies, run  himself  over  head  and  ears  in  debt,  and  seeming 
very  little  concerned  about  it,  one  of  his  friends  told  him 
one  day.  That  he  wondered  hoAV  he  could  sleep  quietly 
in  his  bed,  whilst  he  was  so  much  in  debt.  For  my  part, 
said  my  lord,  I  slee^o  very  well ;  but  I  w^onder  how  my 
creditors  can. 

402.  A  bishop  of  Cervia  in  Italy  came  in  great  haste 
to  the  Pope,  and  told  him,  that  it  was  generally  reported 
his  holiness  had  done  him  the  honour  to  make  him  gov- 
ernor of  Rome.  How,  said  the  Pope,  don't  you  know 
that  fame  spreads  a  great  many  false  reports  ?  and  I 
dare  say  you  will  find  this  one  of  them. 

403.  A  Gascon,  one  day  reading  in  company  a  letter 
he  had  just  received  from  his  father,  who  therein  ac- 
quainted  him,  that  he  was  threatened  with  an  assessment, 
which  would  be  very  hard  upon  him,  whose  whole  es- 
tate was  not  above  two  hundred  livres  per  annum.  This 
sum  was  written  in  figures,  thus  (200).  But  the  Gascon 
reading  two  thousand  instead  of  two  hundred,  a  lady 
that  stood  behind  him,  and  read  the  letter  without  utter- 
ing a  word,  so  that  he  could  not  perceive  her,  hearing 
him  say  two  thousand ;  Hold,  hold,  sir,  said  she,  there 
are  but  two  hundred.  Let  me  be  hanged,  said  he,  turn- 
ing about  to  her,  if  the  coxcomb,  meaning  his  father,  has 
not  forgot  a  cipher. 

404.  Another  Gascon  ofiicer,  w^ho  had  served  under 
Henry  TV.  King  of  France,  and  not  having  received  any 
pay  for  a  considerable  time,  came  to  the  king,  and  con- 
fidently said  to  him.  Sire,  three  words  with  your  majes- 
ty :  Money  or  discharge.  Four  with  you,  answered  his 
majesty  :  Neither  one  nor  t'other. 

405.  A  certain  Italian  having  wrote  a  book  upon  the 
art  of  making  gold,  dedicated  it  to  Pope  Leo  X.  in  hopes 
of  a  good  reward :   His  holiness  finding  the  man  con- 


82  JOE  millek's  jests. 

stantly  following  him,  at  length  gave  him  a  large  empty 
purse,  saying.  Sir,  since  you  know  how  to  make  gold, 
you  can  have  no  need  of  anything  but  a  purse  to  put 
it  in. 

406.  A  countryman  seeing  a  lady  in  the  street  in  a 
very  odd  dress  as  he  thought,  begged  her  to  be  pleased 
to  tell  him  what  she  called  it.  The  lady,  a  little  sur- 
prised at  the  question,  called  him  impertinent  fellow. 
Nay,  I  hope  no  oiFence,  madam,  cried  Hodge,  I  am  a 
poor  countryman,  just  going  out  of  town,  and  my  Avife 
always  expects  I  should  bring  her  an  account  of  the 
newest  fashion,  Avhich  occasioned  my  inquiring  what  you 
call  this  that  you  wear.  It  is  a  sack,  said  she,  in  a  great 
pet.  I  have  heard,  replied  the  countryman  (heartily 
nettled  at  her  behaviour)  of  a  pig  in  a  poke,  but  never 
saw  a  sow  in  a  sack  before. 

407.  A  proud  parson,  and  his  man,  riding  over  a  com- 
mon, saw  a  shepherd  tending  his  flock,  and  having  a  new 
coat  on,  the  parson  asked  him,  in  a  haughty  tone,  who 
gave  him  that  coat  ?  The  same,  said  the  shepherd,  that 
clothed  you,  the  parish.  The  parson,  nettled  at  this, 
rode  on  a  little  way,  and  then  bade  his  man  go  back,  and 
ask  the  shepherd  if  he'd  come  and  live  with  him,  for  he 
wanted  a  fool.  The  man  going  accordingly  to  the  shep- 
herd, delivered  his  master's  message,  and  concluded  as 
he  was  ordered,  that  his  master  Avanted  a  fool.  Why, 
are  you  going  away  then  ?  said  the  shepherd.  No,  an- 
swered the  other.  Then  you  may  tell  your  master,  re- 
plied the  shepherd,  his  living  can't  maintain  three  of  us. 

408.  A  lad  was  running  along  the  gunnel  of  a  ship, 
with  a  can  of  flip  in  his  hand,  of  which  he  was  to  have 
part  himself,  when  a  cannon  ball  came  suddenly,  and 
took  ofi"  one  of  his  legs  ;  Look  ye  there  now,  said  he,  all 
the  flip's  spilt. 

409.  Lord  Falkland,  the  author  of  the  play,  called 
The  Marriage  Night,  Avas  chosen  very  young  to  sit  in 
parliament ;  and  when  he  was  first  elected,  some  of  the 
members  opposed  his  admission,  urging.  That  he  had  not 
soAvn  all  his  Avild  oats.     Then,  replied  he,  it  Avill  be  the 


JOE   MILLER  S   JESTS.  83 

best  way  to  sow  them,  in  the  house,  where  there  are  so 
many  geese  to  pick  them  up. 

410.  The  Duke  of asked  a  friend,  "Who  he  thought 

had  undertaken  the  most  difficult  task,  Mr.  Whiston,  in 
his  attempts  to  discover  the  h:)ngitude,  or  Mr.  Lisle,  to 
find  the  philosopher's  stone  ?  The  friend  answered,  that 
he  could  not  tell  which  was  the  more  arduous  task  of 
the  two  which  those  gentlemen  had  undertaken,  but  he 
was  sure  that  he  had  himself  engaged  in  a  much  more 
difficult  work  than  either  of  them.  What  is  that  ?  said 
his  grace.  I  have  been  these  six  years  endeavouring  to 
prevail  on  you  to  pay  your  debts,  replied  the  friend. 

411.  A  schoolmaster  asking  one  of  his  boys,  in  a  sharp 
wintry  morning,  what  was  Latin  for  cold,  the  boy  hesi- 
tated a  little  :  What,  sirrah,  said  he,  can't  you  tell  ? 
Yes,  yes,  replied  the  boy,  I  have  it  at  my  fingers'  ends. 

412.  When  the  gate,  which  joined  to  Whitehall,  was 
ordered  by  the  House  of  Commons  to  be  pulled  down, 
to  make  the  coach-way  more  open  and  commodious,  a 
member  made  a  motion,  that  the  other  which  was  con- 
tiguous to  it,  might  be  taken  down  at  the  same  time  ; 
which  was  opposed  by  a  gentleman,  Avho  told  the  house, 
that  he  had  a  very  high  veneration  for  that  fabric,  that 
he  looked  upon  it  as  a  noble  piece  of  antiquity ;  that  he 
had  the  honour  to  have  lived  by  it  many  years  ;  and 
therefore  humbly  begged  the  house  wouldh  continue  the 
honour  to  him,  for  it  would  really  make  him  unhappy  to 
be  deprived  of  it  now.  Counsellor  Hungerford  second- 
ed the  gentleman,  and  said,  'Twould  be  a  thousand  pities, 
but  he  should  be  indulged  to  live  still  by  his  gate,  for  he 
was  sure  he  could  never  live  by  his  style. 

413.  A  nobleman  having  presented  King  Charles  IL 
with  a  fine  horse,  his  majesty  bade  Killigrew,  who  was 
present,  tell  him  his  age  ;  whereupon  Killigrew  went 
and  examined  the  tail ;  What  are  you  doing  ?  said  the 
king,  that  is  not  the  place  to  find  out  his  age.  O  !  sir, 
said  Killigrew,  Your  majesty  knows  one  should  never 
look  a  gift  horse  in  the  mouth. 


84-  JOE  miller's  jests. 

414.  A  certain  poetaster,  whose  head  was  full  of  a 
play  of  his  own  writing,  w^as  explaining  the  plot  and  de- 
sign of  it  to  a  courtier.  The  scene  of  it,  said  he,  is  in 
Cappadocia ;  and,  to  judge  rightly  of  the  j^lay,  a  man 
must  transport  himself  into  the  country,  and  get  acquaint- 
ed with  the  genius  of  the  people.  You  say  right,  an- 
swered the  courtier,  and  I  think  it  would  be  best  to  have 
it  acted  there. 

415.  A  young  man,  who  was  a  very  great  talker,  mak- 
ing a  bargain  with  Isocrates  to  be  taught  by  him,  Iso- 
crates  asked  double  the  price  that  his  other  scholars 
gave  him  ;  and  the  reason,  said  he,  is,  that  I  must  teach 
thee  two  sciences,  one  to  speak,  and  the  other  to  hold 
thy  tongue. 

416.  A  certain  couple  going  to  Dunmow  in  Essex,  to 
claim  the  flitch  of  bacon,  which  is  to  be  given  to  every 
married  pair,  who  can  swear  they  had  no  dispute,  nor 
once  repented  their  bargain  in  a  year  and  a  day,  the 
steward  ready  to  deliver  it,  asked  where  they  would  put 
it ;  the  husband  produced  a  bag,  and  told  him,  in  that. 
That,  answered  the  steward,  is  not  big  enough  to  hold  it. 
So  I  told  my  wife,  replied  the  good  man ;  and  I  believe 
w^e  have  had  a  hundred  words  about  it.  Ay,  said  the 
steward,  but  they  were  not  such  as  will  butter  any 
cabbage  to  eat  with  this  bacon  ;  and  so  hung  the  flitch 
up  again. 

417.  Two  gentlemen,  one  named  Chambers,  the  other 
Garret,  riding  by  Tyburn,  said  the  flrst,  This  is  a  very 
pretty  tenement,  if  it  had  but  a  Garret.  You  fool,  said 
Garret,  don't  you  know  there  must  be  Chambers  first  ? 

418.  Two  gentlemen,  one  named  Woodcock,  the 
other  Fuller,  walking  together,  happened  to  see  an 
owl ;  said  the  last.  That  bird  is  vei-y  much  like  a  Wood- 
cock. You  are  very  wrong,  said  the  first,  for  it's  Fuller 
in  the  head,  Fuller  in  the  eyes,  and  Fuller  all  over. 

419.  An  arch  boy  having  taken  notice  of  his  school- 
master's often  reading  a  chapter  in  Corinthians,  wherein 
is  this  sentence,  '  We  shall  all  be  changed  in  the  twink- 


85 


ling  of  an  eye,'  privately  erased  the  letter  c  in  the  word 
changed.  The  next  time  the  master  read  it,  we  shall  all 
be  lianged  in  the  twinklmg  of  an  eye. 

420.  A  certain  great  man,  who  had  been  a  furious 
party  man,  and  most  surprisingly  changed  sides,  by 
which  he  obtained  a  coronet,  was  soon  after  at  cards  at 
a  place  where  Lady  T— nd  was,  and  complaining  in  the 
midst  of  the  game,  that  he  had  a  great  pain  in  his  side, 
I  thought  your  lordship  had  no  side,  said  she. 

421.  A  gentleman  living  in  Jamaica,  not  long  ago,  had 
a  wife  not  of  the  most  agreeable  humour  in  the  world ; 
however,  as  an  indulgent  husband,  he  had  bought  her  a 
fine  pad,  which  soon  after  gave  her  a  fall  that  broke 
her  neck.  Another  gentleman  in  the  same  neighbour- 
hood, blessed  likewise  with  a  termagant  spouse,  asked 
the  widower,  if  he  would  sell  his  wife's  pad,  for  he  had 
a  great  fancy  for  it,  and  he  would  give  him  what  he 
Avould  for  it.  No,  said  the  other,  I  don't  care  to  sell  it, 
for  I  am  not  sure  that  I  shan't  marry  again. 

422.  A  scholar  of  Dr.  Busby's  cqming  into  a  parlour 
where  the  doctor  had  laid  a  fine  bunch  of  grapes  for  his 
own  eating,  took  it  up  and  said  aloud,  I  publish  the 
banns  between  these  grapes  and  my  mouth ;  if  any  one 
knows  any  just  cause  or  impediment  why  these  two 
should  not  be  joined  together,  let  them  declare  it.  The 
doctor,  being  but  in  the  next  room,  overheard  all  that 
was  said,  and  coming  into  the  school,  he  ordered  the  boy 
who  had  eaten  his  gr-apes  to  be  taken  up,  or,  as  they 
called  it,  horsed  on  another  boy's  back ;  but  before  he 
proceeded  to  the  usual  discipline,  he  cried  out  aloud,  as 
the  delinquent  had  done :  I  publish  the  banns  between 
my  rod  and  this  boy's  breech,  if  any  one  knows  any  just 
cause  or  impediment  why  these  two  should  not  be  joined 
together,  let  them  declare  it.  I  forbid  the  banns,  cried 
the  boy.  Why  so  ?  said  the  doctor.  Because  the  par- 
ties are  not  agreed,  replied  the  boy.  Which  answer  so 
pleased  the  doctor,  who  loved  to  find  any  readiness  of 
wit  in  his  scholars,  that  he  ordered  the  boy  to  be  set 
down. 


86  JOE    MILLERS   JESTS. 

423.  The  late  Sir  Robert  Henley,  who  was  commonly 
pretty  much  in  debt,  walking  one  day  with  two  or 
three  other  gentlemen  in  the  Park,  was  accosted  by  a 
tradesman,  who  took  him  aside  for  a  minute  or  two,  and 
when  the  baronet  rejoined  his  company,  he  seemed  to  be 
in  a  great  passion,  which  his  friends  taking  notice  of, 
asked  him  what  was  the  matter  ?  Why  the  rascal,  said 
he,  has  been  dunning  me  for  money  I  have  owed  him 
these  seven  years,  with  as  much  impudence  as  if  it  was 
a  debt  of  yesterday. 

424.  The  late  Mr.  D — t,  the  player,  a  man  of  great 
humanity,  as  will  appear  by  the  story,  having  heard  that 
his  landlady's  maid  had  cut  her  throat  with  one  of  his 
razors,  of  which  an  account  was  brought  to  him  behind 
scenes  at  the  time  of  the  play ;  D — t,  with  great  con- 
cern and  emotion,  cried  out,  Zoons,  I  hope  it  was  not 
with  my  best  razor  ! 

425.  Joe  Haines,  the  player,  being  asked  what  could 
transport  Mr.  Collier  into  so  blind  a  zeal  for  the  general 
suppression  of  the  stage,  when  only  some  particular 
authors  had  abused  it ;  whereas  the  stage,  he  could  not 
but  know,  was  generally  allowed,  when  rightly  conduct- 
ed, to  be  a  delightful  method  of  mending  the  morals  ? 
For  that  reason,  replied  Haines ;  Collier  is,  by  profession, 
a  moral-mender  himself,  and  two  of  a  trade,  you  know, 
can  never  agree. 

426.  Some  gentlemen  being  at  a  tavern  together,  for 
want  of  better  diversion,  one  proposed  play ;  but,  said 
another  of  the  company,  I  have  fourteen  good  reasons 
against  gaming.  What  are  they  ?  said  another.  In  the 
first  place,  answered  he,  I  have  no  money.  Oh  !  said  the 
other,  if  you  had  four  hundred  reasons,  you  need  not 
name  another. 

427.  A  parson,  in  the  country,  taking  his  text  from  St. 
Matthew,  chap,  viii.  14,  'And  Peter's  wife's  mother  lay 
sick  of  a  fever,'  preached  for  three  Sundays  together  on 
the  same  subject.  Soon  after,  two  country  fellows  going 
across  the  church-yard,  and  hearing  the  bell  toll,  one 


/ 


JOE  miller's  jests.  81 

asked  the  other,  who  it  was  for?  Nay,  I  can't  tell  you  ; 
perhaps,  replied  he,  it  is  for  Peter's  wife's  mother,  for  she 
has  been  sick  of  a  fever  these  three  weeks. 

428.  The  Hon.  Mr.  L —  one  morning,  at  the  late  Sir 
Kobert  Walpole's  levee,  as  I  sat  by  them,  asked  John 
Lawton  for  a  pinch  of  snnff,  who  told  him  he  had  none 
in  his  box,  for  he  seldom  took  any,  but  now  and  then  to 
keep  him  awake  at  church.  Th'it,  said  the  other,  is  the 
most  improper  thing  you  can  do  there ;  for  it  quite  de- 
stroys the  natural  operation  of  the  sermon. 

429.  I  remember  in  tlie  reign  of  the  late  Queen  Anne, 
when  disputes  ran  high  between  Whig  and  Tory,  some 
persons  suffered  party  to  mix  in  every  their  minutest  ac- 
tion. A  Tory  would  not  cock  his  hat  in  the  same  man- 
ner that  a  Whig  did,  nor  a  Whig  lady  patch  her  face  on 
the  same  side  that  the  Tory  ladies  patched  theirs.  A 
pleasant  instance  of  this  strict  adherence  to  party  in  triv- 
ial affairs,  was  Dick  W — 1,  who,  being  sent  to  j^arlia- 
ment  on  the  Tory  interest,  was  resolved  to  do  nothing 
but  what  was  on  that  side.  The  house,  a  few  days  after 
he  took  his  seat  in  it,  happening  to  sit  late,  a  motion  was 
made  for  candles  to  be  brought  in,  which  being  put  to 
the  vote,  Dick  pulled  a  high-flying  member,  who  sat  near 
liim,  by  the  sleeve,  and  asked  him  if  candles  were  for  the 
church?  And  being  answered  in  the  affirmative,  very 
readily  gave  his  voice  for  them,  which  otherwise  he 
would  not  have  done. 

430.  A  young  fellow,  not  quite  so  wise  as  Solomon, 
eating  some  Cheshire  cheese  full  of  mites,  one  night  at 
the  tavern  :  Now,  said  he,  have  I  done  as  much  as  Samp- 
son, for  I  have  slain  my  thousands  and  my  ten  thou- 
sands. Yes,  answered  one  of  the  company,  and  with  the 
same  weapon  too,  the  jawbone  of  an  ass. 

431.  Poor  Joe  Miller  going  one  day  along  the  Strand, 
an  impudent  Derby  captain  came  swaggering  up  to  him, 
and  thrust  between  him  and  the  wall.  I  don't  use  to 
give  the  wall,  said  he,  to  every  jackanapes.  But  I  do, 
said  Joe  ;  and  so  made  way  for  him. 


88  JOE  miller's  jests. 

432.  When  the  late  Duke  of went  over  as  Lord 

Lieutenant  to  Irehind,  he  took  an  excellent  man  cook 
with  him,  but  they  had  not  been  there  above  a  month, 
when,  finding  his  grace  kept  a  very  scurvy  house,  he 
gave  him  warning.  What's  the  reason,  said  the  duke, 
that  you  have  a  mind  to  leave  me  ?  Why,  if  I  continue 
with  your  excellency  much  longer,  answered  the  cook,  I 
shall  quite  forget  my  trade. 

433.  A  certain  officer  in  the  guards  telling  one  night, 
in  company  Avith  Joe  Miller,  of  several  wonderful  things 
he  had  seen  abroad,  among  the  rest  he  told  the  company 
he  had  seen  a  pike  caught  that  was  six  feet  long.  That's 
a  trifle,  said  Joe,  I  have  seen  a  half-pike,  in  England, 
longer  by  a  foot,  and  yet  not  worth  twopence. 

434.  Jemmy  Spiller,  another  of  the  jocose  comedians, 
going  one  day  through  Rag  Fair,  a  place  where  they 
sell  second-hand  goods,  cheapened  a  leg  of  mutton,  he 
saw  hanging  up  there,  at  a  butcher's  stall.  The  butcher 
told  him  it  was  a  groat  a  pound.  Are  you  not  an  uncon- 
scionable fellow,  said  Spiller,  to  ask  such  a  price,  when 
one  may  have  a  new  one  for  the  same  price  in  Clare 
Market  ? 

435.  A  gentleman  having  a  servant  with  a  very  thick 
skull,  used  often  to  call  him  the  king  of  fools.  I  wish, 
said  the  fellow  one  day,  you  could  make  your  words 
good,  I  should  then  be  the  greatest  monarch  in  the 
world. 

436.  A  lawyer  being  sick,  made  his  last  will,  and  gave 
all  his  estate  to  fools  and  madmen ;  being  asked  the  rea- 
son for  so  doing :  From  such,  said  he,  I  had  it,  and  to 
such  I  give  it  again. 

437.  A  thief  being  brought  to  Tyburn  to  be  executed, 
the  ordinary  of  Newgate,  in  taking  his  last  confession, 
asked  him  if  he  was  not  sorry  for  having  committed  the 
robbery  for  which  he  was  going  to  sufter  ?  The  criminal 
answered,  Yes,  but  that  he  was  more  sorry  for  not  hav- 
ing stolen  enough  to  bribe  the  jury. 

438.  A  certain   poor   unfortunate  gentleman  was  so 


89 

often  pulled  by  the  sleeve  by  the  bailiffs,  that  he  was  in 
continual  apprehension  of  them;  and  going  one  day 
through  Tavistock  Street,  his  coat  sleeve  happened  to 
hitch  upon  the  iron  spike  of  one  of  the  rails ;  whereupon 
lie  immediately  turned  about  in  a  great  surprise,  and 
cried  out.  At  whose  suit,  sir  ?  at  whose  suit  ? 

439.  A  soldier  in  the  late  wars,  a  little  before  an  en- 
gagement, found  a  horse-shoe,  and  stuck  it  in  his  girdle  ; 
shortly  after,  in  the  heat  of  the  action,  a  bullet  came  and 
hit  him  upon  that  part.  Well,  said  he,  I  find  a  little  ar- 
mour will  serve  a  turn,  if  it  be  put  in  the  right  place. 

440.  The  late  famous  Arthur  Moor,  who  was  much 
in  favor  with  the  Tory  ministry,  in  the  latter  part  of 
Queen  Anne's  reign,  had  a  lady  who  was  reckoned  a 
woman  of  great  wit  and  humour,  but  of  political  princi- 
ples quite  opposite  to  those  of  her  husband.  After  the 
death  of  the  Queen,  when  it  was  talked  of  as  if  the  late 
ministers  would  have  been  called  to  account,  my  I^ord 
B — ke  meeting  Mrs.  Moor  one  day,  in  a  visit.  Well, 
madam,  said  he,  you  hear  how  terribly  we  are  threat- 
ened ;  you'll  come,  I  hope,  and  see  me,  when  I  go  to 
Tower  Hill  ?  Upon  my  word,  my  lord,  said  she,  I 
should  be  extremely  glad  to  do  it :  but  I  believe  I  shall 
be  engaged  another  way,  for  I  am  told  my  Snub  (the 
name  by  which  she  always  called  her  husband)  will 
be  obliged  to  go  the  same  day  to  Tyburn. 

441.  The  same  lady,  coming  home  one  evening,  told 
her  husband  she  wished  him  joy,  for  she  heard  he  was  to 
be  made  a  lord.  (This  was  before  the  death  of  Queen 
Anne.)  And  pray,  said  he,  what  did  they  say  was  to  be 
my  title  ?  My  Lord  Tariff,  replied  she,  which  was  a 
sneer  upon  him,  for  having  been  engaged  in  settling  a 
tariff  of  trade  which  he  was  thought  well  skilled  in. 
And  why  don't  you,  when  you  hear  any  one  abuse  your 
husband,  spit  in  their  face  ?  said  he.  Xo,  I  thank  you, 
answered  the  lady,  I  don't  mtend  to  spit  myself  into  a 
consumj)tion. 

442.  The  late  Sir  John  Tash  was  a  famous  wine-mer- 
chant, and  sold  great  quantities  of  that  liquor,  but  was 


00 


supposed  to  make  it  chiefly  without  much  of  the  juice 
of  the  grape ;  tlierefore  Alderman  Parsons  meeting  him 
one  day,  sahited  him  by  the  name  of  brother  brewer.  I 
deal  in  wine,  Mr.  Aklerman,  said  Sir  John,  and  am  no 
brewer.  But  I  know  you  are,  replied  the  other,  and  can 
brew  more  by  an  inch  of  candle,  than  I  can  with  a  cal- 
dron of  coals. 

443.  A  late  archbishop  having  promised  one  of  his 
chaplains,  who  was  a  favourite,  the  first  good  living  in 
his  gift,  that  he  should  like,  and  think  worthy  his  accept- 
ance ;  soon  after  hearing  of  the  death  of  an  old  rector, 
whose  parsonage  was  worth  about  300^.  a  year,  sent  his 
chaplain  to  the  place  to  see  how  he  liked  it ;  the  doctor, 
when  he  came  back  again,  thanked  his  grace  for  the  of- 
fer he  had  made  him,  but  said,  he  had  met  with  such  an 
account  of  the  country,  and  the  neighbourhood,  as  was 
not  at  all  agreeable  to  him,  and  therefore  should  be  glad, 
if  his  grace  pleased,  to  wait  till  something  else  fell.  An- 
other vacancy  not  long  after  happening,  the  archbishop 
sent  him  also  to  view  that ;  but  he  returned  as  before, 
not  satisfied  with  it,  which  did  not  much  please  his  grace. 
A  third  living,  much  better  than  either  of  tlie  others  be- 
coming vacant,  as  he  was  told,  the  chaplain  was  sent  to 
take  a  view  of  that ;  and  when  he  came  back.  Well,  now, 
said  my  lord,  how  do  you  like  this  last  living  ?  what  ob- 
jection can  you  have  to  this  ?  I  like  the  country  very 
well,  my  Lord,  answered  he,  and  tlie  house,  the  income, 
and  the  neighbourhood,  but •  But !  replied  the  arch- 
bishop, what  but  can  there  be  then  ?  But,  my  lord,  said 
he,  I  found  the  old  incumbent  smoking  his  j^ipe  at  the 
gate  of  his  house. 

444.  Two  city  ladies  meeting  at  a  visit,  one  a  grocer's 
wife,  and  the  other  a  cheesemonger's  (who  perhajDS  stood 
more  upon  the  punctilio  of  precedence  than  some  of 
their  betters  would  have  done  at  the  court  end  of  the 
town)  wlien  they  had  risen  up  and  taken  their  leaves, 
the  cheesemonger's  wife  was  going  out  of  the  room  first, 
upon  which  the  grocer's  lady,  pulling  her  back  by  the 
tail  of  her  gown,  and  stepping  before  her,  No,  madam, 
said  she,  nothing  comes  after  cheese. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  91 

445.  Old  Johnson,  the  phxyer,  Avho  was  not  only  a 
very  good  actor,  but  a  good  judge  of  painting,  and  re- 
markable for  making  many  dry  jokes,  was  sliown  a  pic- 
ture, done  by  a  very  indifferent  hand,  but  much  com- 
mended, and  was  asked  his  opinion  of  it.  Why,  truly, 
said  he,  the  painter  is  a  very  good  painter,  and  observes 
tlie  Lord's  commandments.  What  do  you  mean  by  that, 
Mr.  Johnson  ?  said  one  who  stood  by.  Why,  I  think, 
answered  he,  that  he  hath  not  made  to  himself  the  like- 
ness of  anything  that  is  in  Heaven  above,  or  that  is  in 
the  earth  beneath,  or  that  is  in  the  water  under  the 
earth. 

446.  A  certain  noble  lord  in  the  county  of  Hants,  who 
had  not  much  applied  himself  to  letters,  and  was  re- 
markable for  his  ill-spelling,  dining  at  a  neighbouring 
gentleman's  house,  took  notice  several  times,  and  com- 
mended a  snuff-box  he  made  use  of;  when  my  lord  was 
gone  away,  the  gentleman's  wife  said  to  her  husband. 
My  dear,  you  did  not  observe  how  often  my  lord  com- 
mended your  snuff-box ;  I  dare  say  he  would  have  been 
highly  pleased  if  you  had  made  him  an  offer  of  it;  if  I 
was  you  I  would  send  it  after  him.  The  gentleman  took 
his  lady's  advice,  and  the  next  morning  sent  a  servant 
away  with  a  letter,  and  the  snuff-box,  as  a  present  to  the 
lord. — The  lady  judged  right,  for  my  lord  was  mightily 
delighted  with  it,  and  returned  a  most  complaisant  let- 
ter of  thanks  for  the  present,  and  told  the  gentleman,  in 
his  ill-spelling,  that  he  was  greatly  obliged  to  him,  and 
in  a  few  days  would  send  him  an  elephant,  (equivalent 
he  would  have  written).  The  gentleman,  not  at  all  lik- 
ing my  lord's  proposal,  sent  his  servant  with  a  letter 
again  next  day,  telling  his  lordship,  that  he  was  very 
glad  the  box  was  so  acceptable  to  him,  and  thanking 
him  for  the  honour  he  designed  him,  but  begged  he 
Avould  not  think  of  sending  what  he  mentioned,  for  it 
would  not  only  be  attended  with  an  expense,  which  he 
could  not  very  well  afford,  being  such  a  devouring  ani- 
mal, but  would  bring  such  numbers  of  people  to  see  it, 
that  it  would  make  his  house  a  perfect  house  of  call. 
My  lord,  a  little  while  after,  meeting  the  gentleman,  told 


0^  JOE  miller's  jests. 

him,  he  was  surprised  at  his  letter,  and  could  not  ima- 
gine what  he  meant  by  it.  The  elephant,  said  he,  that 
your  lordsliip  spoke  of  sending  me.  Elepliant !  said  the 
learned  lord,  how  could  a  man  of  your  understanding  make 
such  a  mistake  ?  I  said  I  would  send  you  an  equivalent. 
I  beg  your  lordship's  pardon,  returned  the  gentleman, 
and  am  ashamed  of  being  such  a  dunce  that  1  could  not 
read  your  lordship's  letter. 

447.  Young  Griffith  Lloyd,  of  the  county  of  Cardigan, 
being  sent  to  Jesus  College,  Oxford,  where  he  was 
looked  upon  as  an  errant  dunce,  wore  a  calf-skin  waist- 
coat, tanned  with  the  hair  on,  and  trimmed  with  a  broad 
gold  lace,  and  gold  buttons.  One  of  the  Oxonians,  an 
eminent  punster,  said,  that  Griffith  was  like  a  dull  book, 
bound  in  calf-skin,  and  gilt,  but  very  ill-lettered. 

448.  Old  G ,  the  rich  miser  of  Gloucestershire, 

going  home  one  day,  between  Wickivarr  and  Badmin- 
ton, the  way  being  greasy,  after  a  shower  of  rain,  his 
foot  slipped,  and  he  fell  off  a  high  bank  into  a  wet  ditch, 
where  he  was  almost  smothered  ;  a  countryman,  who 
knew  his  character,  coming  by,  he  begged  him,  for  God's 
sake,  to  help  him.     Ay,  said  the  countryman,  give  me 

your  hand.      Give  being  a  word  that  old  G had  a 

great  aversion  to,  cried  out,  I  thank  you,  honest  friend, 
I  will  lend  you  my  hand  with  all  my  heart.  I  have 
often  heard,  said  the  other,  that  you  Avould  never  give 
anything  in  your  life,  so  you  may  lie  there  ;  and  on 
he  walked. 

449.  An  old  woman  at  the  head  of  a  table,  said  a  sa- 
tirical young  one,  seems  to  revive  the  old  Grecian  cus- 
tom of  serving  up  a  death's  head  with  their  banquets,    j 

450.  The  famous  Tony  Lee,  a  player  in  King  Charles 
the  Second's  reign,  being  killed  in  a  tragedy,  having  a 
violent  cold,  could  not  forbear  coughing  as  he  lay  dead 
upon  the  stage,  which  occasioned  a  good  deal  of  laugh- 
ter and  noise  in  the  house  ;  he  lifted  up  his  head,  and 
speaking  to  the  audience,  said.  This  makes  good  what 
my  poor  mother  used  to  tell  me  ;  for  she  would  often 
say  that  I  should  cough  in  my  grade,  because  I  used  to 


JOE  miller's  jests.  93 

drink  in  my  porridge.  This  set  the  house  in  such  goo  d 
humour,  that  it  produced  a  thundering  peal  of  applause, 
and  made  every  one  very  readily  pardon  the  solecism  he 
had  before  committed. 

451.  Tom  S — ,  the  organist  of  St.  M — ,  being  reckon- 
ed to  have  a  fine  finger,  drew  many  peo2)le  to  hear  him, 
whom  he  would  oftentimes  entertain  with  a  voluntary 
after  evening  service,  and  his  auditory  seeming  one  day 
greatly  delighted  with  his  performance,  after  tiie  church 

—  was  cleared,  Adad,  sir,  said  his  organ-blower,  who  was 
an  idiot,  I  think  we  did  rarely  to-day.  We,  sirrah  !  said 
Tom.  Ay,  we,  to  be  sure,  answered  the  other  ;  what 
would  you  have  done  Avithout  me  ?  The  next  Sunday, 
Tom  sitting  down  to  play,  could  not  make  his  organ 
speak,  whereupon,  calling  to  the  bellows-blower,  asked 
him  what  lie  meant  ?  why  he  did  not  blow  ?  Sliall  it  be 
we,  then  ?  said  the  other. 

452.  A  certain  French  gentleman,  having  been  but  a 
very  little  while  in  England,  was  invited  to  a  friend's 
house,  where  a  large  bowl  of  punch  was  made,  a  liquor 
he  had  never  seen  before,  and  which  did  not  at  all  agree 
with  him ;  but  having  forgot  the  name  of  it,  he  asked  a 
person  the  next  day,  What  dey  call  a  dat  liqur  in  Eng- 
land, which  is  all  de  contradiction ;  where  is  de  brandy 
to  make  it  strong,  and  de  vater  to  make  it  small,  de 
sugar  to  make  it  sweet,  and  de  lemons  to  make  it  sower. 
Punch,  answered  the  other,  I  suppose  you  mean.  Ay, 
ponche,  begar,  cried  monsieur,   it    almost  j)onche    my 

^    brain  out  last  night. 

453.  The  famous  Captain  Fitzpatrick,  who  married 
'Squire  Western's  niece,  and  was  reckoned  an  excellent 
hand  at  making  bulls,  was  walking  one  day  with  two  or 
three  ladies,  a  little  Avay  out  of  West  Chester,  with  his 
hat  under  his  arm  ;  the  wind  blowing  very  hard,  one  of 
the  ladies  said,  I  wonder,  captain,  you  v/ill  be  so  cere- 
monious to  walk  bare-headed  in  such  boisterous  weather; 
pray,  sir,  put  on  your  hat.  Arrah,  by  my  slioul,  dear 
madam,  answered  the  captain,  I  have  been  after  trying 
two  or  three  times  already,  and  the  wind  is  so  high,  that 


04  JOE  miller's  jests. 

I  can't  keep  my  hat  upon  my  head  any  longer  than  'tis 
under  my  arm. 

454.  The  same  geiUleman  being  with  the  aforesaid  la- 
dies, in  a  nobleman's  garden,  where  there  was  a  large 
iron  roller,  told  them,  he  thought  it  was  the  biggest  iron 
rolling-stone  he  had  ever  seen  in  his  life. 

45^.  A  philosopher  being  blamed  by  a  stander-by,  for 
defending  an    argument    weakly  against   the    Emperor 
Adrian,  replied.    What !     would  you  have  me  contend 
•     with  a  man  that  commands  thirty  legions  of  soldiers  ? 

456.  A  painter  turned  physician ;  upon  which  change, 
a  friend  applauded  him,  saying,  You  have  done  well, 
for  before,  your  faults  could  be  discovered  by  the  naked 
eye,  but  now  they  are  hid. 

457.  Bishop  Latimer  preaching  at  court,  said,  that  it 
was  reported  the  king  was  poor,  and  that  they  M^ere 
seeking  ways  and  means  to  make  him  rich ;  but  he  added, 
For  my  part,  I  think  the  best  way  to  make  the  king  rich, 
would  be  to  give  him  a  good  post,  or  office,  for  all  his 
officers  are  rich. 

458.  Zelim,  the  first  of  the  Ottoman  Emperors  that 
shaved  his  beard,  his  predecessors  having  always  worn  it 
long,  being  asked  by  one  of  his  bashaws,  why  he  altered 
the  custom  of  his  predecessors  ?  answered.  Because  you 
bashaws  shall  not  lead  me  by  the  beard,  as  you  did  them. 

459.  It  being  told  Antigonus,  in  order  to  intimidate 
him,  as  he  marched  to  the  field  of  battle,  that  the  enemy 
would  shoot  such  volleys  of  arrows,  as  would  intercept 
the  light  of  the  sun.  I  am  glad  of  it,  rej^lied  he,  for  it 
being  very  hot,  we  shall  then  fight  in  the  shade. 

460.  A  sailor  having  received  ten  guineas  for  turning 
Koman  Catholic,  said  to  the  priest  who  paid  him  the 
money.  Sir,  you  ought  to  give  me  ten  guineas  more,  be- 
cause it  is  so  hard  to  believe  transubstantiation. 

461.  One  seeing  an  afiected  coxcomb  buying  books, 
told  him.  His  bookseller  was  properly  his  upholsterer,  for 

^  he  furnished  his  room  rather  than  his  head. 


JOE   MILLER  S   JESTS.  95 

462.  An  arch  wag  once  said,  That  tailors  were  like 
woodcocks,  for  they  got  their  sustenance  by  their  long 
bills. 

463.  A  complaint  being  made  to  the  court  of  Spain  of 
a  certain  Viceroy  of  Mexico,  the  Secretary  of  State,  who 
was  his  friend,  wrote  him  Avord,  that  he  was  accused  at 
court  of  having  extorted  great  suras  of  money  from  the 
people  under  his  government ;  Avhich  I  hope,  said  the 

'    Secretary,  is  true,  or  else  you  are  undone. 

464.  At  a  religious  meeting  a  lady  persevered  in  stand- 
ing on  a  bench,  and  thus  intercepting  the  view  of  others, 
though  repeatedly  requested  to  sit  down.  A  reverend 
old  gentleman  at  last  rose,  and  said  gravely,  I  think,  if 

/  the  lady  knew  that  she  had  a  large  hole  in  each  of  her 
stockings,  she  would  not  exhibit  them  in  this  way.  This 
had  the  desired  effect — she  immediately  sunk  down  on 
her  seat.  A  young  minister  standing  by,  blushed  to  the 
temples,  and  said,  O,  brother,  how  could  you  say  Avhat 
was  not  the  fact  ?  J^ot  the  fact !  replied  the  old  gentle- 
man ;  if  she  had  not  a  large  hole  in  each  of  her  stock- 
ings, I  should  like  to  know  how  she  gets  them  on. 

465.  A  gentleman  in  the  country  having  the  misfor- 
tune to  have  his  wife  hang  herself  on  an  apple  tree,  a 
neighbour  of  his  came  to  him  and  begged  he  would  give 
him  a  scion  of  that  tree,  that  he  might  graft  it  upon  one 
in  his  own  orchard  ;  for  who  knows,  said  he,  but  it  may 

"^  bear  the  same  fruit ! 

466.  St.  Evremond  said,  in  defence  of  Cardinal  Maz- 
arine, when  he  was  reproached  with  neglecting  the  good 

-"  of  the  kingdom  that  he  might  engross  the  riches  of  it, 
Well,  let  him  get  all  the  riches,  and  then  he  will  think 
of  the  good  of  the  kingdom,  for  it  will  be  all  his  own. 

467.  The  late  Earl  of  S —  kept  an  Irish  footman,  who, 
perhaps,  was  as  expert  in  making  bulls  as  the  most  learned 
of  his  countrymen.  My  lord  having  sent  him  one  day 
with  a  present  to  a  certain  judge,  the  judge  in  return 
sent  my  lord  half-a-dozen  live  partridges  with  a  letter ; 
the  partridges  fluttering  in  the  basket  upon  Teague's 


96:  JOE  miller's  jests. 

back,  as  he  was  carrying  them  home,  he  set  down  the 
basket,  and  opened  the  lid  of  it  to  quiet  them,  where- 
upon they  all  flew  away.  Oh !  the  devil  burn  ye,  said 
he,  I  am  glad  you  are  gone.  But  when  he  came  home, 
and  ray  lord  had  read  the  letter.  Well,  Teague,  said  my 
lord,  I  find  there  are  half-a-dozen  j^artridges  in  the  letter. 
Arrah  now,  dear  sir,  said  Teague,  I  am  glad  you  have 
found  them  in  the  letter,  for  they  are  all  lost  out  of  the 
basket. 

468.  The  same  nobleman  going  out  one  day,  called 
Teague  to  the  side  of  his  chariot,  and  bade  him  tell  Mr. 
Such-a-one,  if  he  came,  that  he  should  be  at  home  at  din- 
ner-time. But  when  my  lord  was  got  across  the  square 
in  which  he  lived,  Teague  came  puffing  after  him,  and 
calling  to  the  coachman  to  stop  ;  upon  which  my  lord, 
pulling  the  string,  desired  to  know  what  Teague  wanted ; 
My  lord,  said  he,  you  bade  me  tell  Mr.  Such-a-one,  if  he 
came,  that  you  would  dine  at  home ;  but  what  must  I 
say  if  he  don't  come  ? 

469.  A  tailor's  boy  being  at  church,  heard  it  said  that 
a  remnant  only  should  be  saved.  Egad,  said  the  boy, 
then  my  master  makes  plaguy  long  remnants. 

470.  The  renowned  Mr.  Wh — n,  the  famous  astron- 
omer, had  made  a  calculation  that  the  world  would  be  at 
an  end  in  fifteen  years,  and  some  time  after  oflered  to 
dispose  of  an  estate  ;  he  asked  the  gentleman  who  was 
about  it,  at  the  rate  of  thirty  years  purchase,  upon  which 
the  gentleman,  in  great  surprise,  demanded  how  he  could 
ask  so  many  years  purchase,  when  he  very  well  knew 
the  world  would  be  at  an  end  in  half  the  time. 

471.  Some  thievish  fellows  being  at  a  tavern,  they 
agreed  amongst  themselves  to  steal  the  silver  cup  that 
was  brought  up  to  them,  and  when  they  were  going 
by  the  bar.  You  are  welcome,  gentlemen,  kindly  wel- 
come, cried  the  landlord.  Ah,  said  the  fellow  Avith  the 
cup  to  himself,  I  wish  we  were  well  gone  too. 

472.  A  waterman  belonging  to  the  Tower,  being  put 
by  one  of  the  players  into  the  upper  gallery  in  Covent 


JOE    MILLER  S    JESTS.  97 

G.arden  playhouse,  the  fellow,  not  being  very  sober,  and 
falling  asleep,  tumbled  into  tlie  pit ;  but  having  the  old 
proverb  on  his  side,  received  little  or  no  hurt;  and  being 
told  by  some  of  his  companions  that  he  was  now  free  of 
the  house,  he  went  to  Mr.  Rich  (the  then  manager)  to  put 
in  his  claim,  who  very  readily  allowed  it,  with  this  pro- 
viso, that  he  should  always  go  out  the  same  way  he  had 
come  in. 

473.  One  told  another,  who  did  not  use  to  be  clothed 
over  often,  that  his  new  coat  was  too  short  for  him; 
That's  true,  answered  his  friend,  ^ut  it  will  be  long 
enough  before  I  get  another. 

474.  A  gentleman  who  was  travelling  in  Italy,  saw  one 
day,  as  he  passed  along  the  road  near  Naples,  a  man 
standing  up  to  his  chin  in  a  puddle  of  dirty  water  ;  not 
able  to  guess  at  the  meaning  of  it,  he  cried  out  to  him. 
What  are  you  catcliing  there,  friend  ?  Cold,  replied  the 
other,  for  I  have  to  sing  the  bass  part  at  the  opera  to- 
night. But  suppose,  said  the  gentleman,  you  catch  your 
death.  Why,  then,  said  the  other,  the  opera  will  be 
damned. 

475.  In  the  reign  of  Queen  Anne,  when  it  was  said 
Lord  Orford  had  got  a  number  of  peers  made  at  once,  to 
serve  a  j^articular  turn,  being  met  next  day  by  Lord 
Wharton, — So,  Robin,  said  he,  I  iind  what  you  lost  by 
tricks  you  have  gained  by  honours. 

476.  A  young  gentleman  who  had  stolen  a  ward,  being 
in  suit  for  her  fortune,  before  a  late  lord  chancellor,  and 
the  counsel  insisting  much  on  the  equity  of  decreeing  her 
a  fortune  for  her  maintenance,  his  lordship  turned  briskly 
upon  him  with  this  sentence.  That  since  the  suitor  had 
stolen  the  flesh,  he  should  get  bread  to  it  how  he  could. 

477.  A  country  fellow,  who  had  served  several  years 
in  the  army  abroad,  when  the  war  was  over,  coming 
home  to  his  friends,  was  received  amongst  them  with 
great  rejoicing,  and  tlie  miraculous  stories  related  by  him 
were  heard  with  no  small  pleasure.  Well,  said  the  old 
father,  and  prythee  Jack,  what  didst  thou  learn  there? 


Learn,  sir,  why  I  learnt  to  know  that  when  I  turned  my 
shirt,  the  vermin  had  a  day's  march  to  my  skin  again. 

478.  An  Irish  barrister  had  a  client  of  his  own  coun- 
try wdio  was  a  sailor,  and  having  been  at  sea  for  some 
time,  his  wife  was  married  again  in  his  absence,  so  he 
was  resolved  to  prosecute  her;  and  coming  to  advise 
with  the  counsellor,  told  him  he  must  have  witnesses  to 
prove  that  he  was  alive  when  his  wife  married  again. 
Arrah,  by  my  shoul,  but  that  shall  be  impossible,  said  the 
other,  for  my  shipmates  are  all  gone  to  sea  again  upon  a 
long  voyage,  and  shan't  return  this  twelve-month.  Oh  ! 
then,  answered  the  counsellor,  there  can  be  nothing  done 
in  it,  and  what  a  pity  it  is  that  such  a  brave  cause  should 
be  lost  now,  only  because  you  cannot  prove  yourself  to 
be  alive. 

479.  King  Cliarles  the  First  being  prevailed  upon  by 
one  of  his  courtiers  to  knight  a  very  worthless  fellow,  of 
mean  aspect,  when  he  was  going  to  lay  the  sword  upon 
his  shoulder  tlie  new  knight  drew  a  little  back,  and  hung 
down  his  head  as  out  of  countenance ;  Don't  be  ashamed, 
said  the  king,  'tis  I  have  most  reason  to  be  so. 

480.  One  said  Sir  John  Cutler  looked  very  dismally 
when  night  came  on,  not  because  it  brought  darkness 
with  it,  but  because  daylight  saved  him  a  candle. 

481.  A  man  was  reproached  by  another  with  barbar- 
ity in  beating  his  wife  so  severely  as  he  often  did ;  Go, 
you  are  a  fool,  and  ignorant  of  the  scriptures,  said  he, 
else  you  would  know  that  it  was  a  proof  of  my  love  for 
her,  otherwise  I  would  not  be  at  the  trouble  ;  but  he  that 
the  Lord  loveth  he  chastizeth,  and  so  do  I. 

482.  An  Irish  soldier  once  returning  from  battle  in  the 
night,  marching  a  little  way  behin.d  his  companion,  called 
out  to  him.  Hollo,  Pat,  I  have  catch'd  a  tartar !  Bring 
him  along  then !  Ay,  but  he  won't  come.  Why  then 
come  away  without  him.    By  Jasus,  but  he  won't  let  me ! 

483.  A  very  harmless  Irishman,  eating  an  apple-pie 
with  some  quinces  in  it,  Arrah  now,  dear  honey,  said  he, 


/ 


99 

if  a  few  of  these  quinces  give  such  a  flavour,  how  would 
an  apple-pie  taste  made  all  of  quinces  ? 

484.  The  late  duke  of  Wharton,  going  through  Hol- 
born  in  a  hackney  coach,  with  Phil.  F — ,  saw  a  fellow 
drumming  before  the  door  of  a  puppet-show  ;  Now,  this 
is  a  pretty  employment,  Phil.,  said  the  duke  ;  if  you 
were  reduced  so  low,  that  you  were  obliged  to  be  either 
a  highwayman  or  drummer  to  a  puppet-show,  which 
would  you  choose  ?  Faith,  my  lord,  answered  Phil.,  I 
would  be  the  highwayman  rather  than  the  other.  Ay, 
replied  the  duke,  that  confirms  the  opinion  I  always  had 
of  you,  that  you  have  more  pride  than  honesty. 

485.  Sir  T.  P.  once  in  parliament  brought  in  a  bill  that 
wanted  some  amendment,  which  being  not  attended  to 
by  the  house,  he  frequently  repeated  that  he  thirsted  to 
mend  his  bill.  Upon  which  a  worthy  member  got  up, 
and  said,  Mr.  Speaker,  I  humbly  move,  since  the  honour- 
able member  thirsts  so  very  much,  that  he  may  be  al- 
lowed to  mend  his  draught.  This  put  the  house  in  such 
a  good  humour,  that  his  request  was  granted. 

486.  An  English  gentleman  asked  Sir  Richard  Steele, 
who  was  an  Irishman,  What  was  the  reason  that  his 
countrymen  were  so  remarkable  for  blundering  and  mak- 
ing bulls  ?  Faith,  said  the  knight,  I  believe  there  is 
something  in  the  air  of  Ireland ;  and  I  dare  say,  if  an 
Englishman  was  born  there  he  would  do  the  same. 

487.  A  gentleman  who  was  a  staunch  Whig,  disput- 
ing with  a  Jacobite,  said,  he  had  two  good  reasons  for 
being  against  the  interest  of  the  pretender  :  What  are 
those  ?  said  the  other.  The  first,  replied  he,  is,  that  he 
is  an  impostor,  not  really  King  James's  son  :  Why,  that, 
said  the  Tory,  would  be  a  good  reason,  if  it  could  be 
l^roved.  And,  pray,  sir,  what  is  your  other  ?  Why,  said 
the  Whig,  that  he  is  King  James's  son. 

488.  Although  the  infirmities  of  nature  are  not  proper 
subjects  to  be  made  a  jest  of,  yet  when  people  take  a 
great  deal  of  pains  to  conceal  what  everybody  sees,  there 
is  nothing  more  ridiculous :  of  this  sort  was  old  Cross 


100 

the  player,  who,  being  very  deaf,  did  not  care  anybody 
should  know  it.  Honest  Joe  Miller  going  with  a  friend 
one  day  along  Fleet  Street,  and  seeing  old  Cross  on  the 
other  side  of  the  way,  told  his  acquaintance  he  should 
see  some  sport ;  so  beckoning  to  Cross  with  liis  finger, 
and  stretching  open  his  mouth  as  wide  as  he  could,  as  if 
he  hallooed  to  him,  though  he  said  nothing,  the  old  fel- 
low came  puffing  from  the  other  side  of  the  way  ;  What 
the  deuce,  said  he,  do  you  make  such  a  noise  for  ?  do 
you  think  one  can't  hear  ? 

489.  There  is  in  Rome  a  certain  broken  statue  called 
Pasquin,  to  which,  in  the  night  time,  people  affix  the 
libels  they  dare  not  own  ;  a  kind  of  dumb  satire  on  the 
vices  of  the  grandees,  not  sparing  even  the  Pope  him- 
self, as  may  be  seen  by  the  following  story : — A  late 
Pope,  being  descended  from  a  very  mean  fomily,  on  his 
advancement  to  the  holy  see,  bestowed  great  preferment 
on  most  of  his  poor  relations ;  whereupon  Pasquin,  on 
the  next  great  festival,  early  in  the  morning,  was  observ- 
ed to  have  an  extremely  dirty  shirt  on,  with  a  scroll  of 
l^aper  in  his  hand,  whereon  was  written.  How  now,  Pas- 
quin ?  What !  so  dirty  upon  a  holiday  ?  and  under  that 
his  answer  :  Alas  !  I  have  no  clean  linen,  my  washerwo- 
man is  made  a  princess. 

490.  An  Irishman  and  an  Englishman  fiilling  out,  the 
Hibernian  told  him  if  he  did  not  hold  his  tongue,  he 
would  break  his  impenetrable  head  and  let  the  brains  out 
of  his  empty  skull ! 

491.  Rogers,  when  a  certain  M.P.  wrote  a  review  of 
his  poems,  and  said  he  wrote  very  well  for  a  banker, 
wrote  in  return,  the  following  : 

They  say  he  has  no  heart,  but  I  deny  it : 
He  has  a  heart,  he  gets  his  speeches  by  it. 

492.^  A  prisoner  being  brought  up  to  Bow  Street,  the 
following  dialogue  passed  between  him  and  the  sitting 
magistrate  : — How  do  you  live  ?  Pretty  well,  sir,  gener- 
ally a  joint  and  pudding  at  dinner.  I  mean,  sir,  how  do 
you  get  your  bread?      I  beg  your  worship's  pardon; 


JOE  miller's  jests.  101 

sometimes  .it  the  baker's,  and  sometimes  at  the  chan- 
dler's shop.  You  may  be  as  witty  as  you  please,  sir  ; 
but  I  mean  simply  to  ask  you  how  do  you  do?  Tolera- 
bly well,  I  thank  your  worship  :  I  hope  your  worship  is 
well. 

493.  When  Citizen  Thelwall  was  on  his  trial  at  the 
Old  Bailey  for  high  treason,  during  the  evidence  for  the 
prosecution,  he  wrote  the  following  note,  and  sent  it  to 
his  counsel,  Mr.  Erskine  :  I  am  determined  to  plead  my 
cause  myself.  Mr.  Erskine  wrote  under  it :  If  you  do 
you'll  be  hanged  ; — to  which  Thelwall  immediately  re- 
turned this  reply  :  I'll  be  hanged  if  I  do. 

494.  Chateauneuf,  keeper  of  the  seals  under  Louis 
XIII.  when  a  boy  of  only  nine  years  old,  was  asked 
many  questions  by  a  bishop,  and  gave  very  prompt 
answers  to  them  all.  At  length  the  prelate  said,  I  will 
give  you  an  orange  if  you  will  tell  me  where  God  is  ? 
My  lord,  replied  the  boy,  I  will  give  you  two  if  you  will 

\  teil  me  where  He  is  not. 

495.  A  Mr.  Johnstone  having  been  lost  in  the  dread- 
ful conflagration  of  the  Theatre  Royal  Covent  Garden, 
Mr.  John  Johnstone,  of  Drury  Lane,  received  a  letter 
from  an  Irish  friend,  requesting  to  know,  by  the  return 
of  post,  if  it  was  he  that  was  really  burned  or  not. 

496.  A  gentleman  Avho  lived  in  Great  Turnstile,  Hol- 
born,  being  the  subject  of  conversation  in  a  party,  a  per- 
son inquired  where  he  lived,  if  he  had  a  large  house, 
kept  a  good  table,  &c.  Oh  !  yes,  answered  another,  he 
lives  in  the  greatest  stile  in  Holbbrn. 

497.  Gentleman  and  ladies, — said  the  facetious  Beau 
Nash,  the  then  master  of  the  ceremonies  for  Bath,  intro- 
ducing a  most  lovely  woman  into  the  ball-room, — this  is 

—  Mrs.  Hobson.  I  have  often  heard  of  Hobson's  choice, 
but  never  had  the  pleasure  to  view  it  until  now,  and  you 
must  coincide  with  me  that  it  reflects  credit  on  his  taste. 

498.  A  gentleman  on  circuit  narrating  to  Lord  Nor- 
bury  some  extravagant  feat  in  sporting,  mentioned  that 
he  had  lately  shot  thirty-three  hares  before  breakfast. 


102  JOE  miller's  jests. 

Thirty-tliree  hairs !   exclaimed  his    lordship  ;    Zounds, 
sir  !  then  you  must  have  been  firing  at  a  wig. 

499.  During  Lord  Townsliend's  residence  in  Dublin, 
as  viceroy,  he  often  went  in  disguise  through  the  city. 
He  had  heard  much  of  the  Avit  of  a  shoeblack,  known  by 
the  name  of  Blind  Peter,  whose  stand  was  always  at  the 
Globe  Cofiee-house  door ;  having  found  him  out,  he  stop- 
ped to  get  his  boots  cleaned  ;  which  was  no  sooner  done 
than  his  lordship  asked  Peter  to  give  him  change  for  a 
guinea.  A  guinea !  your  honour,  said  the  ragged  wit, 
change  for  a  guinea  from  me  !  Sir,  you  may  as  well  ask 
a  Highlander  for  a  knee-buckle.  His  lordship  was  so  well 
pleased,  that  he  left  him  the  gold. 

500.  A  late  nobleman,  who  was  very  avaricious,  was 
upon  the  same  good  terms  with  his  lady  as  the  elements 
of  water  and  lightning  when  they  encounter  in  the  at- 
mosphere. I  am  of  opinion,  my  lord,  said  her  ladyship, 
that  you  would  marry  the  devil's  daughter,  after  my  de- 
cease, if  her  dowry  were  equal  to  your  expectations. 
That  is  impossible,  my  lady,  replied  the  earl,  for  it  is 
contrary  to  the  law  of  England  to  marry  two  sisters. 

501.  A  gentleman  staying  late  one  night  at  the  tavern, 
his  wife  sent  his  servant  for  him  about  twelve.  John, 
said  he,  go  home  and  tell  your  mistress  it  can  be  no 
more.  The  man  returned,  by  his  mistress's  order,  again 
at  one,  the  answer  then  was,  it  could  be  no  less.  But, 
sir,  said  the  man,  day  has  broke.  With  all  my  heart, 
replied  the  master,  he  owes  me  nothing.  But  the  sun  is 
up,  sir.  And  so  he  ought  to  be,  John,  ought  he  not  ?  He 
has  farther  to  go  than  we  have,  I  am  sure. 

502.  A  noisy  talkative  spark,  who  had  a  handsome 
place  in  the  king's  revenue,  more  than  he  merited,  was 
holding  an  argument  one  day  with  a  gentleman,  at  a 
public  coifee-house ;  the  controversy  turned  upon  some 
point  of  government,  and  his  antagonist,  who  had  some- 
what galled  him  by  the  strength  of  his  argument,  refer- 
red him  to  such  a  place  in  history,  where  lie  would  find 
how  much  he  was  mistaken  in  the  dispute.  Phoo,  said 
said  he,  d'ye  think  I  have  no  other  business  but  to  read 


JOE  miller's  jests.  103 

histories  ?  Faith,  said  the  other,  'tis  pity  you  had,  till 
you  had  read  a  little  more. 

503.  Susan,  a  country  girl,  desirous  of  matrimony,  re- 
ceived from  her  mistress  a  present  of  a  bl.  bank  note  for 
her  marriage  portion.  Her  mistress  wished  to  see  the 
object  of  Susau's  favour  ;  and  a  very  diminutive  fellow, 
swarthy  as  a  Moor,  and  ugly  as  an  ape,  made  his  appear- 
ance. Ah,  Susan,  said  her  mistress,  what  a  strange  choice 
you  have  made !  La,  ma'am,  said  Susan,  in  such  hard 
times  as  these,  when  almost  all  the  tall  fellows  are  gone 
for  soldiers,  what  more  of  a  man  than  this  can  you  ex- 
pect for  a  bl.  note  ? 

504.  There  happened,  when  Swift  was  at  Larcone  in 
Ireland,  the  sale  of  a  farm  and  stock,  the  farmer  being 
dead.  Swift  chanced  to  walk  past  during  the  auction, 
just  as  a  pen  of  poultry  had  been  put  up.  Roger  (Swift's 
clerk)  bid  for  them,  but  was  overbid  by  a  farmer  of  the 
name  of  Hatch.  What,  Roger,  won't  you  buy  the  j^oul- 
try  ?  exclaimed  Swift.  No,  sir,  said  Roger,  I  see  they 
are  just  a  going  to  Hatch. 

505.  In  a  debate  on  the  leather  tax,  in  1795,  in  the  Irish 
House  of  Commons,  the  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer  (Sir 

John  P )   observed,  with  great  emphasis,  That,  in 

the  prosecution  of  the  present  war,  every  man  ought 
to  give  his  last  guinea  to  protect  the  remainder.  Mr. 
Vandelure  said,  that  however  that  might  be,  the  tax  on 
leather  would  be  severely  felt  by  the  barefooted  peasant- 
ry of  Ireland.  To  which  Sir  Boyle  Roache  replied,  that 
this  could  be  easily  remedied,  by  making  the  under- 
leathers  of  wood. 

506.  Lieutenant  Connolly,  an  Irishman  in  the  service 
of  the  United  States,  during  the  American  war,  chanced 
to  take  three  Hessian  prisoners  himself,  without  any  as- 
sistance. Being  asked  by  the  commander  in  chief  how 
he  had  taken  them?  I  surrounded  them,  was  the  answer. 

507.  A  seedsman  being  held  to  bail  for  having  used  in- 
flammatory language  respecting  the  reform  bill,  a  wag  ob- 
served. It  was  probably  in  the  line  of  his  profession — to 
promote  business,  he  wished  to  sow  sedition. 


104  JOE  miller's  jests. 

508.  When  Quin.  and  Garrick  performed  at  the  same 
theatre,  and  in  the  same  phay,  the  night  being  very 
stormy,  each  ordered  a  chair.  To  the  mortification  of 
Quin,  Mr.  Garrick's  chair  came  np  first.  Let  me  get 
into  the  chair,  cried  the  surly  veteran — let  me  get  into 
the  chair,  and  put  little  Davy  into  the  lantern.  By  all 
means,  said  Garrick ;  I  shall  ever  be  happy  to  give  Mr. 
Quin  light  in  anything. 

509.  The  late  Richard  Russel,  esq.  had  a  renter's  share 
at  Drury  Lane,  where  he  used  to  go  almost  every  even- 
ing ;  and,  notwithstanding  his  immense  fortune,  his  pen- 
ury was  so  great,  that  rather  than  give  a  trifle  to  any  of 
the  women  who  attended  in  the  lobby-box  to  take  care 
of  his  great  coat  on  an  evening,  he  used  constantly  to 
pledge  it  for  a  shilling,  at  a  pawnbroker's  near  the  the- 
atre, and  redeem  it  when  the  performance  was  over, 
Avhich  cost  him  one  halfpenny  interest. 

510.  A  mountebank,  expatiating  on  the  virtues  of  his 
drawing  salve,  and  reciting  many  instances  of  its  success, 
Avas  interrupted  by  an  old  Avoman,  who  asserted,  rather 
iron-ically,  that  she  had  seen  it  draw  out  of  a  door  four 
rusty  tenpenny  nails,  that  defied  the  united  eftbrts  of  two 
of  the  strongest  blacksmiths,  with  their  hammers  and 
pincers. 

511.  At  the  close  of  that  season  in  which  Shuter,  the 
comedian,  first  became  so  universally  and  deservedly  cele- 
brated in  his  Master  Stephen,  in  the  revived  comedy  of 
Every  Man  in  his  Humour,  he  was  engaged  for  a  few 
nights,  in  a  principal  city  in  the  north  of  England.  It 
happened  that  the  coach  in  which  he  went  down  (and  in 
Avhich  there  was  only  an  old  gentleman  and  himself)  was 
stopped  on  the  other  side  of  Finchley  Common  by  a  high- 
wayman. The  old  gentleman,  in  order  to  save  his  own 
money,  pretended  to  be  asleep ;  but  Shuter  resolved  to 
be  even  with  him.  Accordingly,  when  the  highwayman 
presented  his  pistol,  and  commanded  Shuter  to  deliver  his 
money  instantly,  or  he  was  a  dead  man — Money !  returned 
he,  with  an  idiotic  shrug,  and  a  countenance  inexpressibly 
vacant ;  Oh !  Lord,  sir,  they  never  trusts  me  with  any  ;  for 


105 

nuncle  here  always  pays  for  me,  turnpikes  and  all,  your 
lionour !  Upon  which  the  highwayman  giving  him  a  few 
curses  for  his  stupidity,  complimented  the  old  gentleman 
with  a  smart  slap  on  the  face  to  awaken  him,  and  robbed 
him  of  every  shiling ;  while  Shuter,  who  did  not  lose  a 
single  farthing,  with  great  satisfaction  and  merriment, 
pursued  his  journey,  laughing  heartily  at  his  fellow- 
traveller. 

512.  This  excellent  comedian  was  once  in  disgrace  with 
the  audience,  in  consequence  of  irregularities : — they  de- 
manded an  apology.  Shuter  was  somewhat  tardy ;  and 
a  lady  was  going  on  with  her  part ;  but  the  audience 
called  out,  Shuter !  Shuter  ! — the  arch  comedian  peeped 
from  behind  the  curtain,  and  said.  Pray  do  not  shoot  her ; 
the  hidy  is  innocent,  the  fault  is  entirely  my  own.  This 
put  the  house  in  good  humour,  and  Shuter  was  received 
with  applause. 

513.  Two  sailors,  the  one  Irish,  the  other  English, 
agreed  reciprocally  to  take  care  of  each  other,  in  case  of 
either  being  wounded  in  an  action  then  about  to  com- 
mence. It  was  not  long  before  the  Englishman's  leg  was 
shot  off  by  a  cannon-ball ;  and  on  asking  Paddy  to  carry 
him  to  the  doctor  according  to  their  agreement,  the  other 
vei-y  readily  complied  ;  but  had  scarcely  got  his  wound- 
ed companion  on  his  back  when  a  second  ball  struck  off 
the  poor  fellow's  head.  Paddy,  through  the  noise  and 
l^ustle,  had  not  perceived  his  friend's  last  misfortune,  but 
continued  to  make  the  best  of  his  way  to  the  surgeon. 
An  officer  observing  him  with  the  headless  trunk,  asked 
liim  where  he  was  going  ?  To  the  doctor,  said  Paddy. 
To  the  doctor !  said  the  officer,  why,  blockhead,  the  man 
has  lost  his  head.  On  hearing  this,  he  flung  the  body 
from  his  shoulders,  and  looking  at  it  very  attentively,  By 
my  shoul,  said  he,  he  told  me  it  was  his  leg,  but  I  was  a 
fool  to  believe  him,  for  he  was  always  a  great  liar. 

514.  C.  Bannister  employed  his  tailor  to  make  him  a 
pair  of  small-clothes,  and  sent  him  an  old  pair  as  a  pat- 
tern. When  the  new  ones  came  home,  Charles  com- 
plained that  there  was  no  fob.     I  didn't  think  you  wanted 


106  JOE  miller's  jests. 

one,  said  Snip,  since  I  found  the  duplicate  of  your  watch 
in  the  old  pocket ! 

515.  What's  the  matter  ?  inquired  a  passer-by,  observ- 
ing a  crowd  collected  around  a  black  fellow,  whom  an 
officer  was  attempting  to  secure,  to  put  on  board  an  out- 
ward-bound whale  ship,  from  which  he  had  deserted. 
Matter !  matter  enough,  (exclaimed  the  delinquent,)  press- 
ing a  poor  negro  to  get  oil. 

516.  In  a  small  party,  the  subject  turning  on  matrimo- 
ny, a  lady  said  to  her  sister,  I  wonder,  my  dear,  you  have 
never  made  a  match,  I  think  you  want  the  brimstone.  To 
which  she  replied,  ISTo,  not  the  brimstone,  only  the  spark. 

517.  A  mischievous  English  rider,  who  happened  to 
sleep  at  an  inn  with  an  Irishman,  whose  naked  leg  was 
hanging  over  the  bed,  wantonly  buckled  a  spur  round  his 
ancle.  In  tossing  about  in  his  slumbers,  Pat  drew  his 
foot  across  the  other  leg,  and  mangled  it  most  cruelly. 
On  discovering  his  situation,  he  knocked  up  the  bootjack- 
boy,  and  swore  at  him  for  an  awkward  scoundrel,  for 
taking  off  his  boots  and  letting  a  spur  remain  on. 

518.  An  Irish  clergyman  having  gone  to  visit  the  por- 
traits of  the  Scottish  kings  in  Holyrood  House,  observed 
one  of  the  monarchs  of  a  very  youthful  appearance,  Avhile 
his  son  was  depicted  with  a  long  beard,  and  wore  the 
traits  of  extreme  old  age.  Sancta  Maria,  exclaimed  the 
good  Hibernian,  is  it  possible  that  this  gentleman  was  an 
old  man  when  his  father  was  born  ! 

519.  Mr.  Watson,  uncle  to  the  late  Marquis  of  Rock- 
ingham, a  man  of  immense  fortune,  finding  himself  at  the 
point  of  death,  desired  a  fi-iend  who  was  present,  to  open 
him  a  drawer,  in  which  was  an  old  shirt,  that  he  might 
put  it  on.  Being  asked  why  he  Avould  wish  to  change 
his  linen  when  he  was  so  ill,  he  replied.  Because  I  am  told 
that  the  shirt  I  die  in  must  be  the  nurse's  perquisite,  and 
that  is  good  enough  for  her ! — This  was  as  bad  as  the  old 
woman,  who,  with  her  last  breath,  blew  out  an  inch  of 
candle.  Because,  said  she,  I  can  see  to  die  in  the  dark ! 

520.  An  officer  had  the  misfortune   to  be  severely 


/ 


JOE   MILLER  S   JESTS.  107 

"wounded  in  an  engagement.  As  he  lay  on  the  field,  an 
nnfortunate  near  him,  who  was  also  badly  wounded,  gave 
vent  to  his  agony  in  dreadful  howls,  which  so  irritated 
the  officer,  Avho  bore  his  own  suflering  in  silence,  that  he 
exclaimed.  What  do  you  make  such  a  noise  for  ?  Do  you 
think  nobody  is  killed  but  yourself? 

521.  The  love  of  long  christian  names  by  the  S])aniards 
has  frequently  been  an  object  of  ridicule.  A  Spaniard 
on  his  travels  arrived  in  the  night  at  a  little  village  in 
France,  in  which  there  was  but  one  hotel.  As  it  was  al- 
most midnight,  he  knocked  at  the  door  a  long  while  with- 
out hearing  any  one  stir.  At  length  the  host  putting  his 
head  out  of  his  chamber  window,  asked  who  was  there? 
The  Spaniard  replied,  Don  Juan  Pedro  Hernandez  Rodri- 
guez Alvarez  de  Villa-nova,  Count  de  Malafra,  Cavallero 
de  Santiago  de  Alcantara.  Mercy  on  me  !  said  the  host, 
as  he  shut  the  window,  I  have  but  two  spare  beds,  and 
you  ask  me  lodging  for  a  score ! 

522.  A  gentleman,  of  the  name  of  Pepper,  having  in- 
formed a  noble  amateur  in  the  sports  of  the  field,  that  he 
had  a  very  hot  and  lively  horse,  which  had  flung  him  in 
the  course  of  a  chase  on  the  preceding  day,  a  conversa- 
tion ensued  on  the  qualities  of  the  animal.  In  reply  to  a 
question  as  to  the  name  of  the  horse,  the  gentleman 
stated  that  he  had  not  yet  given  it  one,  and  was  at  a  loss 
what  to  call  him.  A  name,  a  name,  said  Lord  N.,  why, 
sir,  you  should  call  him  Peppercaster. 

523.  A  wag  passing  through  a  country  town,  observed 
a  fellow  placed  in  the  stocks.  My  friend,  said  he,  I  ad- 
vise you  by  all  means  to  sell  out.  I  should  have  no 
objection,  your  honour,  he  replied  drily,  but  at  present 
they  seem  much  too  low. 

524.  Two  Irishmen  about  to  be  hanged  during  the  re- 
bellion of  1*798,  the  gallows  was  erected  over  the  margin 
of  a  river.  When  the  first  man  was  drawn  up,  the  rope 
gave  way,  he  fell  into  the  stream,  and  escaped  by  swim- 
ming. The  remaining  culprit,  looking  up  to  the  execu- 
tioner, said,  with  genuine  native  simplicity,  and  an  earn- 
estness that  evinced  his  sincerity,  Do,  good  Mr.  Ketch, 


108  JOE  miller's  jests. 

if  you  please,  tie  me  up  tight,  for,  if  the  rope  breaks,  I'm 
sure  to  be  drowned,  for  I  can't  swim  a  stroke. 

525.  A  country  justice  of  tlie  peace,  Avhen  upwards  of 
seventy  years  of  age,  married  a  girl  about  nineteen,  and 
being  well  aware  that  he  was  likely  to  be  rallied  on  the 
subject,  he  resolved  to  be  prepared.  Accordingly,  when 
any  of  his  intimate  friends  called  upon  him,  after  the  first 
salutations  were  passed,  he  was  sure  to  begin  the  conver- 
sation, by  saying,  he  believed  he  could  tell  them  news. 
Why,  said  he,  I  have  married  my  tailor's  daughter.  If 
he  was  asked  why  he  did  so  ?  the  old  gentleman  replied, 
Why,  the  father  suited  me  so  well  for  forty  years  past, 
tliat  t  thought  the  daughter  might  suit  me  for  forty  years 
to  come. 

526.  Sheridan  inquiring  of  his  son  what  side  of  politics 
he  should  espouse  on  his  inauguration  to  St.  Stephen's 
Chapel ;  the  son  replied,  that  he  intended  to  vote  for 
those  who  offered  best,  and  that  in  consequence  he  should 
wear  on  his  forehead  a  label,  '  To  let.'  To  which  the 
facetious  critic  rejoined,  I  suppose,  Tom,  you  mean  to 
add,  '  unfurnished '  ? 

527.  A  certain  person  asking  a  merry  Andrew,  why 
he  played  the  fool  ?  For  the  same  reason,  said  he,  that 
you  do,  out  of  want — you  do  it  for  want  of  wit,  and  I  do 
it  for  want  of  money. 

528.  David  Garrick  was  once  on  a  visit  at  Mr.  Rigby's 
seat,  Mistley  Hall,  Essex,  when  Dr.  Gough  formed  one 
of  the  party.  Observing  the  potent  appetite  of  the 
learned  doctor,  Garrick  indulged  in  some  coarse  jests  on 
the  occasion,  to  the  great  amusement  of  the  company,  the 
doctor  excepted  ;  who,  when  the  laugh  had  subsided, 
thus  addressed  the  party : — Gentlemen,  you  must  doubt- 
less suppose  from  the  extreme  familiarity  with  which  Mr. 
Garrick  has  thought  fit  to  treat  me,  that  I  am  an  ac- 
quaintance of  his ;  but  I  can  assure  you  that,  till  I  met 
him  here,  I  never  saw  him  but  once  before,  and  then  I 
paid  five  shillings  for  the  sight.     Roscius  was  silent. 

529.  Mr.  Carbonel,  the   wine-merchant   who   served 


JOE  miller's  jests.  109 

George  the  Third,  was  a  great  favourite  with  the  king, 
and  used  to  be  admitted  to  the  royal  hunts.  Returning 
from  the  chase  one  day,  his  majesty  entered  affably  into 
conversation  with  him,  and  they  rode  side  by  side  a  con- 
siderable way.  Lord  Walsingham  was  in  attendance ; 
and  watching  an  opportunity,  took  Mr.  Carbonel  aside, 
and  whispered  something  to  him.  What's  that  ?  what's 
that  Walsinghani  has  been  saying  to  you  ?  inquired  the 
good-humoured  monarch.  I  hnd,  sir,  I  have  been  imin- 
tentionally  guilty  of  disrespect ;  my  lord  informed  me 
that  I  ought  to  have  taken  off  my  hat  whenever  I  ad- 
dressed your  majesty;  but  your  majesty  will  please  to 
observe,  that  whenever  I  hunt,  my  hat  is  fastened  to  my 
wig,  and  my  wig  is  fastened  to  my  head,  and  I  am  on 
tlie  back  of  a  very  high-spirited  horse,  so  that  if  anything 
goes  off,  we  must  all  go  off  together !  The  king  laughed 
heartily  at  the  whimsical  apology. 

530.  In  the  campaign  of  1812,  a  distinguished  officer 
of  the  French  army  was  severely  wounded  in  the  leg. 
The  surgeons  on  consulting,  declared  that  amputation 
was  indispensable.  The  general  received  the  intelligence 
with  much  composure.  Among  the  persons  who  sur- 
i-ounded  him,  he  observed  his  valet-de-chambre,  who 
showed  by  his  profound  grief  the  deep  share  which  he 
took  in  the  melancholy  accident.  Why  do  you  weep, 
Germain  ?  said  his  master,  smiling  to  him.  It  is  a  for- 
tunate thing  for  you :  you  will  have  only  one  boot  to 
clean  in  future. 

531.  So  ungrateful  was  the  sound  of '  Wilkes  and  No. 
45  '  (the  famous  number  of  the  '  North  Briton ')  deemed 
to  be  to  a  high  personage,  that  about  1772,  a  Prince  of 
the  Blood  (George  IV.)  then  a  mere  boy,  having  been 
chid  for  some  boyish  fault,  and  wishing  to  take  his  boy- 
ish revenge,  is  related  to  have  done  so  by  stealing  to  the 
king's  apartments,  and  shouting  at  the  door,  '  Wilkes  and 
45  for  ever  !'  and  running  away.  It  is  hardly  necessary 
to  add,  (for  who  knows  not  the  domestic  amiableness  of 
George  III.  ?)  that  his  majesty  laughed  at  the  thing  with 
his  accustomed  <xood  humour. 


no  JOE   MILLERS    JESTS. 

532.  Admiral  Lord  Howe,  when  a  captain,  was  once 
hastily  awakened  in  the  middle  of  the  night  by  the  lien- 
tenant  of  the  watch,  who  informed  him  with  great  agita- 
tion, that  the  ship  Avas  on  fii-e  near  the  magazine.  If  that 
be  the  case,  said  he,  rising  leisurely  to  put  on  his  clothes, 
we  shall  soon  know  it.  The  lieutenant  flew  back  to  the 
scene  of  danger,  and  almost  instantly  returning,  ex- 
claimed, You  need  not,  sir,  be  afraid,  the  fire  is  extin- 
guished. Afraid  !  exclaimed  Howe,  what  do  you  mean 
by  that,  sir  ?  I  never  was  afraid  in  my  life  ;  and  looking 
the  lieutenant  full  in  the  fiice,  he  added.  Pray  how  does 
a  man  feel,  sir,  when  he  is  afraid  ?  I  need  not  ask  how 
he  looks. 

533.  The  late  Councillor  Caldbeck,  of  the  Irish  bar, 
who  drudged  in  his  profession  till  he  was  near  eighty, 
being  a  king's  counsel,  frequently  Avent  circuit,  as  judge 
of  assize  when  any  one  of  the  tAvelve  judges  was  pre- 
vented by  illness.  On  one  of  those  occasions,  a  fellow 
was  convicted  before  him  at  Wexford  for  bigamy ;  and 
when  the  learned  counsel  came  to  pass  sentence,  after 
lecturing  .the  fellow  pretty  roundly  upon  the  nature  of 
his  uxorious  crime,  added.  The  only  punishment  which 
the  law  authorizes  me  to  inflict  is,  that  you  be  trans- 
ported to  parts  beyond  the  seas  for  the  term  of  seven 
years ;  but  if  I  had  my  Avill,  yo-u  should  not  escape  with 
so  mild  a  punishment,  for  I  Avould  sentence  you  for  the 
term  of  your  natural  life — to  live  in  the  same  house  Avith 
both  your  Avives. 

534.  A  tailor  folloAving  the  army,  Avas  Avounded  in  the 
head  by  an  arrow.  When  the  surgeon  saw  the  Avound, 
he  told  his  patient,  that  as  the  Aveapon  had  not  touched 
his  brain,  there  Avas  no  doubt  of  his  recovery.  The  tailor 
said.  If  I  had  possessed  any  brains,  I  should  not  have 
been  here. 

535.  A  young  Avoman  had  laid  a  AA^ager  she  AA^ould  de- 
scend into  a  vault,  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  and  bring 
from  thence  a  skull.  The  person  Avho  took  the  Avager, 
previously  hid  himself  in  the  A'ault,  and  as  the  girl  seized 
a  skull,  cried,  in  a  holloAV  A^oice,  LeaA^e  me  my  head ! 


\ 


JOE  miller's  jests.  til 

There  it  is,  said  the  girl,  tlirowing  it  down,  and  catching 
up  another.  Leave  me  my  head !  said  tlie  same  voice. 
Kay,  nay,  said  the  heroic  hiss,  you  cannot  have  two 
heads:  so  brought  the  skull,  and  won  the  wager. 

536.  The  daughter  of  a  respectable  farmer  in  Carmar- 
thenshire, was  lately  betrothed  to  a  young  man  in  the 
neighbourhood  of  Tenby  ;  but  lovers'  quarrels  occurring 
about  three  weeks  before  the  day  appointed  for  the  mar- 
riage, the  swain  turned  on  his  heel,  and  immediately  pro- 
posed to  another  sister,  who  assented,  Avithout  hesitation, 
on  the  ground  of  its  being  too  great  a  sacrifice  to  lose 
such  a  nice  young  man  out  of  the  fiimily ;  and,  on  the 
day  named  for  the  foi'mer  marriage,  the  latter  took  place. 

537.  The  Princess  of  Conti,  daughter  of  Louis  XIY., 
speaking  to  the  ambassador  of  Morocco,  highly  disap- 
proved of  the  plurality  of  wives  which  prevails  among 
the  Mahomedans.  We  should  only  require  one,  replied 
the  gallant  ambassador,  if  each  resembled  you,  madam. 

538.  The  Laird  of  M'N — b  was  writing  to  one  of  his 
Dulcineas  from  an  Edinburgh  cofieediouse,  when  a  gen- 
tleman of  his  acquaintance  observed  that  he  was  setting 
at  defiance  the  laws  of  orthography  and  grammar.  How 
can  a  man  write  grammar  with  a  pen  like  this  ?  exclaim- 
ed the  Highland  chieftain. 

539.  In  a  village  of  Picardy,  after  a  long  sickness,  a 
farmer's  wife  fell  into  a  lethargy.  Her  husband  was  will- 
ing, good  man,  to  believe  her  out  of  pain ;  and  so,  ac- 
cording to  the  custom  of  that  country,  she  was  wrapped 
in  a  sheet,  and  carried  out  to  be  buried.  But,  as  ill-luck 
Avould  have  it,  the  bearers  carried  her  so  near  a  hedge, 
that  the  thorns  pierced  the  sheet,  and  waked  the  woman 
from  her  trance.  Some  years  after,  she  died  in  reality ; 
and,  as  the  funeral  passed  along,  the  husband  w^ould 
every  now  and  then  call  out,  Not  too  near  the  hedge,  not 
too  near  the  hedge,  neighbours. 

540.  The  Germans  sleep  between  two  beds ;  and  it  is 
related,  that  an  Irish  traveller,  upon  finding  a  feather- 
bed thus  laid  over  him,  took  it  into  his  head  that  the 


112  JOE   MILLERS    JESTS. 

people  slept  in  strata,  one  upon  the  other,  and  said  to  the 
attendant.  Will  you  be  good  enough  to  tell  the  geutle- 
\  man  or  lady  that  is  to  lay  over  me,  to  make  haste,  as  I 
wish  to  go  to  sleep. 

541.  "When  Lord  Chestei-field  was  in  administration, 
he  proposed  a  person  to  his  late  majesty  as  proper  to  till 
a  phice  of  great  trust,  but  which  the  king  himself  was 
determined  Should  be  tilled  by  another.  The  council,  how- 
ever, resolved  not  to  indulge  the  king,  for  fear  of  a  dan- 
o-erous  precedent.  It  was  Lord  Chesterfield's  business  to 
present  the  grant  of  office  for  the  king's  signature.  Xot 
to  incense  Ins  majesty,  by  asking  him  abruptly,  he,  with 
£?reat  humility,  begged  to  know  with  whose  name  his 
majesty  would  be  pleased  to  have  the  blanks  filled  up  ? 
With  the  devil's  I  replied  the  king,  in  a  paroxysm  of 
raire.  And  shall  the  instrument,  said  the  earl  coolly,  run 
as  usual.  Our  trusty  and  well-beloved  cousin  and  counsel- 
lor ? — a  repartee  at  which  the  king  laughed  heartily,  and 
with  ereat  good  humour  signed  the  grant. 

542.  A  fire  happening  at  a  public-house,  one  of  the 
crowd  was  requesting  the  engineer  to  play  against  the 
wainscot :  but  being  told  it  was  in  no  danger,  I  am  sor- 
rv  for  that,  said  he,  because  I  have  a  long  score  upon  it, 
which  I  shall  never  be  able  to  pay. 

543.  Among  the  curiosities  at  Apsley  House,  is  the 
truckle  bed  in  which  the  Duke  of  WeUiugton  slept. 
Why  it  is  so  narrow '?  exclaimed  a  friend  ;  there  is  not 
room  to  turn  in  it.  Turn  in  it !  cried  his  grace,  when 
once  a  man  begins  to  turn  in  bed,  it  is  time  to  turn  out. 

544.  A  person  of  the  name  of  Fish,  ha^'ing  made  a 
short  trip  in  a  balloon,  on  coming  again  to  ttrra  firma^ 
was  seized  with  a  swoon.  A  gentleman  asking  one  of  the 
crowd  collected  around  him,  What  was  the  matter  ?  was 
answered,  Xothing  but  a  flat  fish,  who  has  been  out  of 
his  element. 

545.  I  can't  conceive,  said  one  nobleman  to  another, 
how  it  is  that  you  manage  :  I  am  convinced  that  you  are 
not  of  a  temper  to  spend  more  than  your  income  \  and 


JOE  miller's  jests.  113 

yet,  though  your  estate  is  less  than  mine,  I  could  not  af- 
ford to  live  at  the  rate  you  do.  My  lord,  said  the  other, 
I  have  a  situation.  A  situation  !  you  amaze  me,  I  never 
heard  of  it  till  now — pray  what  is  it  ?  I  am  my  own 
steward. 

546.  A  gentleman  remarked  the  other  day  to  an  Irish 
baronet,  that  the  science  of  optics  was  now  brought  to 
the  highest  perfection  ;  for  that,  by  the  aid  of  a  telescope, 
Avhich  he  had  just  purchased,  he  could  discern  objects  at 
an  incredible  distance.  My  dear  fellow,  replied  the  good- 
humoured  baronet,  I  have  one  at  my  lodge  in  the  county 
of  Wexford  tliat  will  be  a  match  for  it ;  it  brought  the 
church  of  Enniscorthy  so  near  to  my  view,  that  I  could 
hear  the  whole  congregation  singing  psalms. 

547.  A  clergyman  was  reproving  a  married  couple  for 
their  frequent  dissensions,  which  were  very  unbecoming 
both  in  the  eye  of  God  and  man,  seeing,  as  he  observed, 
that  they  were  both  one.  Both  one  !  cried  the  husband, 
Was  your  reverence  to  come  by  our  door  sometimes,  you 
would  swear  we  were  twenty. 

548.  A  person  whose  name  was  Gun,  complaining  to 
a  friend,  that  his  attorney,  in  his  bill,  had  not  let  him  off 
easily,  That  is  no  wonder,  said  he,  as  he  charged  you  too 
high. 

549.  A  Scotchman  maintained  that  the  Garden  of 
Eden  was  certainly  placed  in  Scotland.  For  said  he, 
have  we  not,  all  within  a  mile  of  one  another,  Adam's 
Mount,  the  Elysian  Fields,  Paradise  Place,  and  the  city 
of  Eden-burgh  ? 

550.  A  wealthy  merchant  of  Feuchurch  Street,  la- 
menting to  a  confidential  friend  that  his  daughter  had 
eloped  with  one  of  liis  footmen,  concluded  by  saying. 
Yet  I  wish  to  forgive  the  gii'l,  and  receive  her  husband, 
as  it  is  now  too  lato  to  part  them.  But  then,  his  condi- 
tion ;  how  can  I  introduce  him  ?  Xonsense,  replied  his 
companion,  introduce  him  as  a  Livery-man  of  the  city. 

551.  A  gentleman  perceiving  the  common-crier  of  Bris- 
tol unemployed,  inquired  the  reason  :  I  can't  cry  to-day, 
sir,  said  he,  my  wife  is  just  dead. 


114  JOE  miller's  jests. 

552.  Truth  is  not  unfrequently  extracted  by  accident. 
Mr.  L.,  whose  police  office  is  frequently  clamorous  with 
the  litigators  of  shilling  warrants,  suddenly  called  out, 
Silence  there !  There's  been,  added  he,  two  or  three 
people  committed  already,  and  I  have  not  heard  a  word 
they  have  said. 

553.  A  wag  called  on  his  friend  at  his  country-house, 
and  perceiving  him  running  very  fast  through  his  grounds 
to  meet  him,  told  the  gentleman  he  was  very  sorry  to  see 
him  go  on  so  ill  ?  Why  so  ?  replied  the  other.  I  see, 
rejoined  the  wag,  you  are  running  through  your  estate 
very  fast. 

554.  An  Irish  captain  being  on  the  ocean,  many  leagues 
from  the  most  remote  part  of  land,  beheld  at  a  short  dis- 
tance four  sail  of  ships,  and  in  the  joy  of  his  heart  ex- 
claimed, Arrali  !  my  lads,  pipe  all  hands  on  deck  to  be- 
hold this  rich  landscape. 

555.  An  Hibernian  schoolmaster,  settled  in  a  village 
near  London,  who  advertised  that  he  intended  to  keep  a 
Sunday-school  twice  a  week,  Tuesdays  and  Thursdays, 
reminds  us  of  the  mock  mayor  of  a  place  in  the  west, 
who  declared  on  his  election,  that  he  Avas  resolved  to  hold 
his  Quarter  Sessions  monthly. 

556.  A  Londoner  told  his  friend  he  was  going  to  Mar- 
gate for  a  change  of  hair.  You  had  better,  said  the  other, 
go  to  the  wig-maker's  shop. 

557.  When  Lieutenant  O'Brien  (who  was  called  Sky- 
rocket Jack)  was  blown  up  at  Spithead,  in  the  Edgar,  he 
was  on  the  carriage  of  a  gun,  and  being  brought  to  the 
admiral,  all  black  and  wet,  he  said  with  pleasantry,  I 
hope,  sir,  you  will  excuse  my  dirty  appearance,  for  I  came 
out  of  the  ship  in  so  great  a  hurry,  that  I  had  not  time 
to  shift  myself. 

558.  An  Irishman  one  day  found  a  light  guinea,  which 
he  was  obliged  to  sell  for  eighteen  shillings.  Next  day 
he  saw  another  guinea  lying  on  the  street.  No,  no,  said 
he,  I'll  have  nothing  to  do  with  you ;  I  lost  three  shil- 
lings by  your  brotlier  yesterday. 


115 

559.  A  healthy  okl  gentleman  was  once  asked  by  the 
king,  what  physician  and  apotliecary  lie  made  nse  of,  to 
look  so  well  at  his  time  of  life.  Sire,  replied  the  gentle- 
man, my  physician  has  always  been  a  horse,  and  my 
apothecary  an  ass.  • 

560.  A  poor  woman,  who  had  attended  several  confir- 
mations, was  at  length  recognised  by  the  bishop.  Pray, 
have  I  not  seen  yon  here  before  ?  said  his  lordship.  Yes, 
replied  the  woman,  I  get  me  confirmed  as  often  as  I  can : 
tliey  tell  me  it  is  good  for  the  rheumatis. 

561.  A  dancer  said  to  another  person.  You  cannot  stand 
so  long  npon  one  leg  as  I  can.  True,  answered  the  other, 
but  a  goose  can. 

562.  A  person  applied  to  Quin,  as  manager,  to  be  ad- 
mitted on  the  stage.  As  a  specimen  of  his  dramatic 
powers,  he  began  the  famous  soliloquy  of  Hamlet, 

To  be,  or  not  to  be,  that  is  the  question. 

Quin,  indignant  at  the  man's  absurd  elocution,  exclaimed, 
very  decisively,  No  question,  upon  my  honour ;  not  to  be, 
most  certainly. 

563.  An  Irishman  going  to  be  hanged,  begged  that 
the  rope  might  be  tied  under  his  arms  instead  of  round 
his  neck ;  for,  said  Pat,  I  am  so  remarkably  ticklish  in 

\  the  throat,  that  if  tied  there,  I  will  certainly  kill  myself 
with  laughing. 

564.  A  respectable  surgeon  in  London,  making  his 
daily  round  to  see  his  patients,  had  occasion  to  call  at  a 
house  in  Charing  Cross,  where  he  left  his  horse  to  the 
care  of  a  Jew  boy,  whom  he  casually  saw  in  the  streets. 
On  coming  out  of  the  house,  he  naturally  enough  expect- 
ed to  find  his  trusty  servant  treating  himself  with  a  ride  ; 
but  no — Mordecai  knew  the  use  of  time  and  the  value  of 
money  a  little  better ; — he  was  letting  the  horse  to  little 
boys  in  the  street,  a  penny  a  ride  to  the  Horse  Guards 
and  back ! 

565.  At  the  breaking  up  of  a  tavern  dinner,  two  of  the 
party  fell  down  stairs,  the  one  tumbling  to  the  first  land- 


116  JOE  miller's  jests. 

ing  place,  tlie  other  rolling  to  the  bottom  : — it  was  ob- 
served, that  the  first  seemed  dead  drmik.  Yes,  said  a 
wag,  but  he's  not  so  far  gone  as  the  gentleman  below. 

566.  When  the  baggage  of  Lady  Hamilton  was  landed 
at  Palermo,  Lord.  Nelson's  coxswain  was  very  active  in 
conveying  it  to  the  ambassador's  hotel.  Lady  Hamilton 
observed  this,  and  presenting  the  man  with  a  moidore, 
said,  Now,  my  friend,  what  will  you  have  to  drink  ? 
Why,  please  your  honour,  said  the  coxswain,  I  am  not 
tbiirsty.  But,  said  her  ladyship.  Nelson's  steersman  must 
drink  with  me,  so  what  will  you  take,  a  dram,  a  glass  of 
grog,  or  a  glass  of  punch  ?  Why,  said  Jack,  as  I  am  to 
drink  with  your  ladyship's  honour,  it  would  not  be  good 
manners  to  be  backward,  so  I'll  take  the  dram  now,  and 
will  be  drinking  the  glass  of  grog  while  your  ladyship 
is  mixing  the  tumbler  of  punch  for  me. 

567.  When  Paddy  Blake  heard,  an  English  gentleman 
speaking  of  the  fine  echo  at  the  lake  of  Killarney,  which 
repeats  the  sound  forty  times,  he  very  promptly  observed, 
Poh!  faith  that's  nothing  at  all,  to  the  echo  in  my 
father's  garden,  in  the  county  of  Galway ;  there,  honey, 
if  you  were  to  say  to  it.  How  do  you  do,  Paddy  Blake  ? 
it  would  answer.  Very  well,  I  thank  you,  sir. 

568.  When  a  late  duchess  of  Bedford  was  at  Buxton, 
in  her  eighty-fifth  year,  it  was  the  medical  farce  of  the 
day  for  the  faculty  to  resolve  every  complaint  of  whim 
and  caprice  into  a  shock  of  the  nervous  system.  Her 
grace,  after  inquiring  of  many  of  her  friends  in  the 
rooms  what  brought  them  there,  and  being  generally 
answered,  for  a  nervous  complaint,  was  asked,  in  her 
turn,  What  brought  her  to  Buxton  ?  I  came  only  for 
pleasure,  answered  the  healthy  duchess  ;  for,  thank  good- 
ness, I  was  born  before  nerves  came  into  fashion. 

569.  As  a  clergyman  was  burying  a  corpse,  a  woman 
came,  and  pulled  him  by  the  sleeve,  in  the  middle  of  the 
service.  Sir,  sir,  I  want  to  speak  with  you.  Prithee 
wait,  woman,  till  I  have  done.  No,  sir ;  I  must  speak 
to  you  immediately.     Well,  then,  what  is  the  matter  ? 


JOE   MILLER'S   JESTS.  117 

Why,  sir,  you  are  going  to  bury  a  man  who  died  of  the 
small  pox,  near  my  poor  husband,  who  never  had  it. 

570.  What  have  you  to  say,  old  Bacon-f^ice  ?  said  a 
counsellor  to  a  farmer,  at  a  late  Cambridge  assizes. 
Why,  answered  the  farmer,  I  am  thinking  that  my 
bacon  face  and  your  calf's  head  would  make  a  very  good 
dish. 

571.  A  scholar,  a  bald  man,  and  a  barber,  travelling 
together,  agreed  each  to  watch  four  hours  in  the  night, 
in  turn,  for  the  sake  of  security.  The  barber's  lot  came 
first,  who  shaved  the  scholar's  head  while  he  was  asleep, 
then  waked  him  when  his  turn  came.  The  scholar, 
scratching  his  head,  and  feeling  it  bald,  exclaimed,  you 
v/retch  of  a  barber,  you  have  waked  the  bald  man  in- 
stead of  me. 

572.  A  man  much  addicted  to  drinking,  being  extreme- 
ly ill  with  a  fever,  a  consultation  was  held  in  his  bed- 
chamber by  three  physicians,  how  to  cure  the  fever,  and 
abate  the  thirst.  Gentlemen,  said  he,  I  will  take  half 
the  trouble  off  your  hands  ;  you  cure  the  fever,  and  I 
wdll  abate  the  thirst  myself. 

573.  Dean  Swift  knew  an  old  woman  of  the  name  of 
Margaret  Styles,  who  was  much  addicted  to  drinking. 
Though  frequently  admonished  by  him,  he  one  day 
found  her  at  the  Ijottom  of  a  ditch,  with  a  bundle  of 
sticks,  Avith  which,  being  in  her  old  way,  she  had  tum- 
bled in.  The  dean,  after  severely  rebuking  her,  asked 
her,  wdiere  she  thought  of  going  to  ?  (meaning  after  her 
death).  I'll  tell  you,  sir,  said  she,  if  you  will  help  me 
up.  When  he  had  assisted  her,  and  repeated  his  ques- 
tion— Where  do  I  think  of  going  to  ?  said  she,  where 
the  best  liquor  is,  to  be  sure  ! 

574.  A  gentleman  having  engaged  to  fight  a  main  of 
cocks,  directed  his  feeder  in  the  country,  who  was  a  son 
of  the  sod,  to  pick  out  two  of  the  best,  and  bring  them 
to  town.  Paddy,  having  made  his  selection,  put  the  two 
cocks  together  into  a  bag,  and  brought  them  with,  him 
in  the  mail-coach.     When   they  arrived,  it  was  found 


118  JOE  miller's  jests. 

upon  their  joiiniey  they  liad  ahnost  torn  each  other  to 
pieces  ;  on  which  Paddy  was  severely  taken  to  task  for 
his  stupidity,  ia  putting  both  cocks  into  one  bag.  In- 
deed, said  the  honest  Hibernian,  I  thought  there  was  no 
risk  of  their  falling  out,  as  they  were  going  to  fight  on 
tlie  same  side. 

575.  In  the  late  Irish  rebellion,  J.  C.  Beresford,  esq.  a 
banker,  and  member  for  Dublin,  rendered  himself  so 
very  obnoxious  to  the  rebels,  in  consequence  of  liis  vigil- 
ance in  bringing  them  to  punishment,  that  whenever  they 
found  any  of  his  bank-notes  in  plundering  a  house,  the 
general  cry  was.  By  Jasus !  we'll  ruin  the  rascal !  we'll 
destroy  every  note  of  his  we  can  find :  and  they  actually 
destroyed,  it  is  supposed,  npv»'ards  of  20,000^.  worth  of 
his  notes  during  the  rebellion. 

576.  An  Irishman  being  asked  which  was  oldest,  he  or 
his  brother,  I  am  eldest,  said  he,  but  if  my  brother  lives 
three  years  longer,  we  shall  be  both  of  an  age. 

577.  A  reverend  gentleman  seeing  a  fishwoman  skin- 
ning some  eels,  said  to  her.  How  can  you  be  so  cruel  ? 
don't  you  think  you  put  them  to  a  great  deal  of  pain  ? 
Why,  your  honour,  she  replied,  I  might  when  I  first  be- 
gan business  ;  but  I  have  dealt  in  them  twenty  years, 
and  by  this  time  they  must  be  quite  used  to  it. 

578.  A  gentleman  crossing  the  water  lately  below 
Limehouse,  and  wanting  to  learn  the  price  of  coals  in 
the  pool,  hailed  one  of  the  labourers  at  work  in  a  tier  of 
colliers,  Avith  Well,  Paddy,  how  are  coals  ?  Black  as 
ever,  your  honour,  replied  the  Irishman. 

579.  An  English  labourer  in  Cheshire  attempting  to 
drown  himself,  an  Irish  reaper,  who  saw  him  go  into  the 
water,  leaped  after  him,  and  brought  him  safe  to  shore. 
The  fellow  attempting  it  a  second  time,  the  reaper  a  se- 
cond time  got  him  out ;  but  the  labourer  being  deter- 
mined to  destroy  himself,  watched  an  opportunity  and 
hanged  himself  behind  the  barn  door.  The  Irishman  ob- 
served him,  but  never  oifered  to  cut  him  down  ;  when, 
several  hours  afterwards,  the  master  of  the  farm-yard 


JOE   MILLERS   JESTS.  119 

asked  him  upon  what  ground  he  had  suffered  the  poor 
fellow  to  hang  there  ?  Faith,  replied  Patrick,  I  don't 
know  what  you  mean  by  ground  :  I  know  I  was  so  good 
to  him  that  I  fetched  him  out  of  the  water  two  times — 
and  I  know,  too,  he  Avas  wet  through  every  rag,  and  I 
^  thouglit  he  hung  himself  up  to  dry,  and  you  know,  I 
could  have  no  right  to  prevent  him. 

580.  A  devout  lady  offered  up  a  prayer  to  St.  Ignatius, 
for  the  conversion  of  her  husband  ;  a  few  days  after  the 
good  man  died.     What  a  good  saint  is  our  Ignatius,  ex- 

^  claimed  the  consolable  widow,  he  bestows  on  us  more 
benefits  than  we  ask  for  ! 

581.  An  author,  who  had  given  a  comedy  into  the 
hands  of  a  manager  for  his  perusal,  called  on  him  for  his 
opinion  of  the  piece.  Whilst  the  poor  author  in  trem- 
bling anxiety  expected  the  fate  of  his  performance,  the 
manager  returned  the  play  with  a  grave  face,  saying.  Sir, 
dej^end  upon  it  this  is  a  thing  not  to  be  laughed  at. 

582.  An  Irish  officer  in  battle  happening  to  bow,  a 
cannon-ball  passed  over  his  head,  and  took  off  the  head 
of  a  soldier  who  stood  behind  him :  You  see,  said  he, 
that  a  man  never  loses  by  politeness. 

583.  A  quartermaster  in  a  regiment  of  light  horse, 
who  was  about  six  feet  high,  and  very  corpulent,  was 
joking  with  an  Irishman  concerning  the  natural  prone- 
ness  of  his  countrymen  to  make  bulls  in  conversation. 
By  my  soul,  said  the  Irishman,  Ireland  never  made  such 
a  bull  in  all  her  lifetime  as  England  did  when  she  made 
a  light  horseman  of  you. 

584.  An  Hibernian  officer,  being  once  in  company  with 
several  who  belonged  to  the  same  corps,  one  of  them,  in 
a  laugh,  said  he  would  lay  a  dozen  of  claret,  that  the 
Irishman  made  a  bull  before  any  other  of  the  party.  Done, 
said  Terence.  The  wager  was  laid,  and  by  way  of  puz- 
zling him,  he  was  asked  how  many  bulls  there  were  in 
that  town.  Five,  said  he.  How  do  you  make  them 
out  ?  said  the  other.  Faith,  said  he,  there  is  the  Black 
Bull  in  the  market-place,  and  the  Red  Bull  over  the  wa/; 


120 


then  there  is  the  Pied  Bull  just  by  the  bridge,  and  the 
White  Bnll  at  the  corner.  They  are  but  four,  said  the 
other.  Why  arrah,  said  he,  there  is  the  Dun  Cow  in  the 
butcher-row.  That's  a  bull,  said  the  other.  By  Jasus, 
then  I  have  won  my  wager,  said  he,  and  you  have  made 
the  bull  and  not  me. 

585.  A  noble  lord,  not  very  courageous,  was  once  so 
far  engaged  in  an  aflair  of  honour  as  to  be  drawn  to 
Hyde  Park  to  fight  a  duel ;  but  just  as  he  came  to  the 
Porter's  Lodge  an  empty  hearse  came  by ;  on  which 
his  lordship's  antagonist,  who  was  a  droll  officer,  well 
known,  called  out  to  the  driver,  Stop  here,  my  good  fel- 
low, a  few  minutes,  and  I'll  send  you  a  fare.  This  ojDer- 
ated  so  strongly  on  his  lordship's  nerves  that  he  begged 
the  officer's  pardon,  and  returned  home  with  a  whole 
skin. 

586.  A  gentleman  Avho  had  an  Irish  servant,  having 
stopped  at  an  inn  for  several  days,  desired,  ])revious  to 
his  departure,  to  have  his  bill ;  which  being  brought,  he 
found  a  large  quantity  of  port  placed  to  his  servant's  ac- 
count, and  questioned  him  about  having  had  so  many  bot- 
tles of  wine.  Please  yer  honour,  cried  Pat,  read  how 
many  they  charge  me.  The  gentleman  began.  One  bot- 
tle port,  one  ditto,  one  ditto.  Stop,  stop,  stop,  master, 
exclaimed  Paddy,  they  are  cheating  you ;  I  know  I  had 
some  bottles  of  their  port,  but  I  did  not  taste  a  drop  of 
their  ditto. 

587.  A  farm  was  lately  advertised  in  a  newspaper  in 
which  all  the  beauty  of  the  situation,  fertility  of  the  soil, 
and  salubrity  of  the  air,  were  detailed  in  the  richest 
glow  of  rural  description,  and  which  Avas  further  en- 
hanced with  this  N.B.  There  is  not  an  attorney  within 
fifteen  miles  of  the  neighbourhood. 

588.  An  Irish  footman  having  carried  a  basket  of  game 
from  his  master  to  a  friend,  waited  a  considerable  time 
for  the  customary  fee,  but  not  finding  it  likely  to  appear, 
he  scratched  his  head,  and  said.  Sir,  if  my  master  should 
say,  Paddy,  what  did  the  gentleman  give  you?  what 
would  your  honour  have  me  tell  him  ? 


JOE   MILLEES   JESTS.  121 

689.  An  Irish  gentleman  called  at  the  General  Post 
Office,  and  inquired  whether  there  were  any  letters  for 
him  ;  the  clerk  asked  for  his  address.  Sure,  said  he,  you 
will  find  it  on  the  back  of  the  letter. — A  circumstance 
somewhat  similar  occurred  a  few  years  ago,  when  a  gen- 
tleman inquired  if  there  was  any  letter  for  him.  The  clerk 
asked  his  name ;  he  replied,  What  the  devil  makes  you 
so  impertinent  as  to  ask  any  gentleman's  name  ?  Give 
me  my  letter,  that's  all  you  have  to  do  ! 

590.  An  Irish  labourer  being  told  that  the  price  of 
bread  had  been  lowered,  exclaimed.  This  is  the  first  time 
I  ever  rejoiced  at  the  fall  of  my  best  friend. 

591.  An  honest  Hibernian  tar,  a  great  favourite  with 
the  gallant  Nelson,  used  to  pray  in  these  words  every 
night  when  he  went  to  his  hammock :  God  be  thanked,  I 
never  killed  &ny  man,  nor  no  man  ever  killed  me  ;  God 
bless  the  world,  and  success  to  the  British  navy. 

592.  Davenport,  a  tailor,  having  set  up  his  carriage, 
asked  Foote  for  a  motto.  There  is  one  from  Hamlet, 
said  the  wit,  that  will  match  you  to  a  button-hole,  "  List, 
list ;  oh !  list." 

593.  A  gentleman,  some  years  since,  being  obliged  to 
ask  pardon  of  the  House  of  Commons  on  his  knees, 
when  he  rose  up,  he  brushed  the  knees  of  his  breeches, 
saying,  I  was  never  in  so  dirty  a  house  in  my  life. 

594.  A  justice  of  the  peace,  who  was  possessed  with 
the  itch  of  scribbling,  and  had  written  a  book  which  he 
meant  to  publish,  sent  it  to  Ben  Jonson  for  his  opinion, 
who,  finding  it  full  of  absurdities,  returned  it,  with  his 
compliments,  and  recommended  his  worship  to  send  it 
to  the  house  of  correction. 

595.  One  day  Charlotte  Smith  was  walking  along  Pic- 
cadilly, when  the  tray  of  a  butcher's  boy  came  in  sudden 
contact  with  her  shoulder,  and  dirtied  heK  dress.  The 
deuce  take  the  tray,  exclaimed  she,  in  a  pet.  Ah,  but 
the  deuce  can't  take  the  tray,  replied  young  rump-steak, 
with  the  greatest  gravity. 


122  JOE  miller's  jests. 

596.  George  the  First,  on  a  journey  to  Hanover,  stop- 
ped at  a  village  in  Holland,  and  while  the  horses  were 
getting  ready,  he  asked  for  two  or  three  eggs,  which 
were  brought  him,  and  charged  two  hundred  florins. 
How  is  this  ?  said  his  majesty,  eggs  must  be  very  scarce 
in  this  place.  Pardon  me,  said  the  host,  eggs  are  plenty 
enough,  but  kings  are  scarce.  The  king  smiled,  and  or- 
dered the  money  to  be  paid. 

597.  A  farmer  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Doncaster, 
was  thus  accosted  by  his  landlord  :  John,  I  am  going  to 
raise  your  rent.  John  replied.  Sir,  I  am  very  much 
obliged  to  you,  for  I  cannot  raise  it  myself 

598.  Two  bucks  riding  on  the  western  road  on  a  Sun- 
day morning,  met  a  lad  driving  a  flock  of  sheep  towards 
the  metropolis ;  when  one  of  them  accosted  him  with, 
Prithee,  Jack,  which  is  the  way  to  Windsor  ?  How  did 
you  know  my  name  was  Jack  ?  said  the  boy,  staring  in 
their  faces.  We  are  conjurors,  young  Hobnail,  said  the 
gentlemen,  laughing.  Oh !  be  you  !  then  you  don't  want 
I  to  show  you  the  way  to  Windsor,  replied  the  lad,  pur- 
suing his  journey. 

599.  Two  gentlemen  were  walking  in  the  High  Street, 
Southampton,  one  day,  about  that  hour  which  the  indus- 
trious damsels  of  the  mop  and  brush  usually  devote  to 
cleansing  the  pavement  before  the  door.  It  happened 
that  the  bucket  used  upon  such  occasions  was  upon  the 
stones,  and  one  of  the  gentlemen  stumbled  against  it. 
My  dear  friend,  exclaimed  the  other,  I  lament  your  death 
exceedingly  !  My  death  !  Yes,  you  have  just  kicked 
the  bucket.  Not  so,  rejoined  his  friend,  I  have  only 
turned  a  little  pale  (pail). 

600.  A  bill  was  once  brought  into  the  House  of  As- 
sembly at  Jamaica,  for  regulating  wharfingers.  Mr.  P. 
Phipps,  a  distinguished  member,  rose  and  said,  Mr. 
Speaker,  I  very  much  approve  of  the  bill ;  the  wharf- 
ingers are  all  a  set  of  knaves ;  I  was  one  myself  ten 
years. 

601.  An  Irishman  saw  the  sign  of  the  Rising  Sun  neai 


123 


the  Seven  Dials,  and  underneath  was  written,  A.  Moon, 
the  man's  name  Avho  kept  it  being  Aaron  Moon.  The 
Irishman,  thinking  he  had  discovered  a  just  cause  for 
triumph,  roared  out  to  his  companion.  Only  see,  Phelim  ! 
see  here !  they  talk  of  the  Irish  bulls  ;  only  do  but  see 
now !  here's  a  fellow  puts  up  the  Rising  Sun,  and  calls  it 
A  Mo.on. 

602.  A  grocer,  in  Dublin,  announces  that  he  has  whis- 
key on  sale  which  was  drunk  by  his  late  Majesty  while 
he  was  in  Ireland. 

603.  A  servant  girl,  who  always  attended  divine  serv- 
ice, but  who  also  could  not  read,  had,  from  constant  at- 
tendance, got  the  service  by  rote,  and  could  repeat  it 
extremely  Avell.  But  a  few  Sundays  previous  to  her 
marriage,  she  was  accompanied  in  the  same  pew  by  her 
beau,  to  whom  she  did  not  like  it  to  be  known  that  she 
could  not  read  ;  she,  therefore,  took  up  the  prayer-book, 
and  held  it  before  her.  Her  lover  wished  to  have  a  sight 
of  it  also,  but,  imfortunately  for  her,  she  held  it  upside 
down.  The  man  astonished,  said,  Good  heavens!  why 
you  have  the  book  wrong  side  upwards.  I  know  it,  sir, 
said  she,  confusedly,  I  always  read  so,  I  am  left-handed. 

604.  Quin  being  one  day  in  a  coffee-house,  saw  a  young 
beau  enter,  in  an  elegant  negligee  dress,  quite  languid 
with  the  heat  of  the  day.  Waiter,  said  the  coxcomb, 
in  an  affected  faint  voice.  Waiter,  fetch  me  a  dish  of 
coffee,  weak  as  water,  and  cool  as  a  zephyr  !  Quin,  in  a 
voice  of  thunder,  immediately  vociferated,  Waiter,  bring 
me  a  dish  of  coffee,  hot  as  h — 11,  and  strong  as  d — t — n. 
The  beau,  starting,  exclaimed  in  his  feminine  way.  Pray, 
waiter,  what  is  that  gentleman's  name?  Quin,  in  the 
same  tremendous  tone,  exclaimed,  Waiter,  pray  what  is 
that  lady's  name  ? 

605.  An  old  female  methodist  preached  about  the 
country,  that  she  had  been  eleven  months  in  heaven. 
One  of  the  audience  started  up  and  said,  It  was  a  pity 
that  she  did  not  stay  the  other  odd  month,  as  she  might 
then  have  gained  a  legal  settlement. 


124  JOE  miller's  jests. 

606.  Two  actors  belonging  to  Covent  Garden  Theatre, 
being  on  their  way  to  Brighton,  stopped  at  an  inn  to 
change  horses,  where  there  was  a  coach  coming  towards 
London,  waiting  the  same  accommodation,  on  the  roof 
of  which  was  seated  a  farmer's  man,  who  hailed  the  two 
actors  thus  :  So,  masters,  you  are  going  a  mumming  I 
see.  How  the  devil  does  that  fellow  know  we  are  per- 
formers ?  said  one  of  the  actors.  Don't  you  see  he's  on 
the  stage  himself  ?  replied  the  other. 

607.  The  tradesmen  of  a  certain  great  man,  having 
dunned  him  for  a  long  time,  he  desired  his  servant  one 
morning  to  admit  the  tailor  who  had  not  been  so  con- 
stant in  his  attendance  as  the  rest.  When  he  made  his 
appearance,  My  friend,  said  he  to  him,  I  think  you  are  a 
very  honest  fellow,  and  I  have  a  great  regard  for  you ; 
therefore,  I  take  this  opportunity  to  tell  you,  that  I'll 
never  pay  you  a  farthing !  Now  go  home,  mind  your 
business,  and  don't  lose  your  time  by  calling  here. — As 
for  the  others,  they  are  a  set  of  vagabonds  and  rascals, 
for  whom  I  have  no  affection,  and  they  may  come  as 
often  as  they  choose. 

608.  Atterbury,  Bishop  of  Rochester,  when  a  certain 
bill  was  brought  into  the  House  of  Lords,  said,  among 
otlier  things.  That  he  prophesied  last  winter  this  bill 
would  be  attempted  in  the  present  session,  and  he  was 
sorry  to  find  that  he  had  proved  a  true  prophet.  Lord 
Ooningsby,  who  spoke  after  the  bishop,  and  always  spoke 
in  a  passion,  desired  the  house  to  remark.  That  his  right 
reverend  friend  had  set  himself  forth  as  a  prophet ;  but 
for  his  part  he  did  not  know  what  prophet  to  liken  him 
to,  unless  to  that  furious  prophet,  Balaam,  who  was  re- 
proved by  his  own  ass.  The  bishop,  in  a  reply,  with 
great  wit  and  calmness,  exposed  this  rude  attack, 
concluding  thus : — Since  the  noble  lord  had  discovered 
in  our  manners  such  a  similitude,  I  am  content  to  be 
compared  to  the  prophet  Balaam ;  but,  my  lords,  I  am 
at  a  loss  to  make  out  the  other  part  of  the  parallel; 
where  is  the  ass  ?  I  am  sure  I  have  been  reproved  by 
nobody  but  his  lordship. 


125 

609.  A  man  in  tlie  habit  of  travelling,  complained  to 
his  friend,  that  he  had  often  been  robbed,  and  was  afraid 
of  stirring  abroad ;  he  was  advised  to  carry  pistols  with 
him  on  his  jonrney.  Oh !  that  would  be  still  worse,  re- 
plied the  hero,  the  thieves  would  rob  me  of  them  also. 

610.  When  Brennan,  the  noted  highwayman,  was  taken 
in  the  south  of  Ireland,  curiosity  drew  numbers  to  the 
gaol  to  see  the  man  loaded  with  irons,  who  had  long  been 
a  terror  to  the  country.  Among  others  was  a  banker, 
whose  notes  at  that  time  were  not  held  in  the  highest  es- 
timation, who  assured  the  prisoner  that  he  was  very  glad 
to  see  him  there  at  last.  Brennan,  looking  np,  replied, 
Ah !  sir,  I  did  not  expect  that  from  yon ;  indeed,  I  did 
not ;  for  you  well  know,  that  when  all  the  country  refus- 
ed your  notes,  I  took  them. 

611.  When  Johnson  had  completed  his  Dictionary,  the 
delay  of  which  had  quite  exhausted  the  patience  of  Mil- 
lar, the  bookseller,  the  latter  acknowledged  the  receipt  of 
the  last  sheet  in  the  following  terms : — "  Andrew  Millar 
sends  his  compliments  to  Mr.  Samuel  Johnson,  with  the 
money  for  the  last  sheet  of  the  copy  of  the  Dictionary, 
and  thanks  God  he  has  done  with  him."  To  this  un- 
courteous  intimation,  the  doctor  replied  in  this  smart  re- 
tort :  "  Samuel  Johnson  returns  his  compliments  to  Mr. 
Andrew  Millar,  and  is  very  glad  to  find  (as  he  does  by 
his  note)  that  Andrew  Millar  has  the  grace  to  thank  God 
for  anything." 

612.  A  man  was  sitting  in  his  study  at  work,  when  one 
of  his  neighbours  came  running  to  tell  him  that  the  back 
jDart  of  his  house  must  be  on  tire,  as  it  smoked  excess- 
ively :  Oh  !  answered  the  man,  be  so  good  as  to  tell  my 
wife,  for  I  do  not  concern  myself  at  all  with  the  house- 
keeping. 

613.  An  old  woman  that  sold  ale,  being  at  church,  fell 
asleep  during  the  sermon,  and  unluckily  let  her  old- 
fashioned  clasped  Bible  fall,  which  making  a  great  noise, 
she  exclaimed,  half  awake.  So,  you  jade,  there's  another 
jug  broke. 

614.  The  late  Countess  of  Kenmare,  who  was  a  devout 


126  JOE  miller's  jests. 

Catholic,  passing  one  day  from  her  devotions  at  a  chapel 
in  Dublin,  through  a  lane  of  beggars,  who  are  there  cer- 
tainly the  best  actors  in  Europe,  in  the  display  of  counter- 
feit misery,  her  ladyship's  notice  was  particularly  attract- 
ed by  one  fellow  apparently  more  wretched  than  the  rest, 
and  she  asked  him,  Pray,  my  good  man,  what  is  the  mat- 
ter with  you  ?  The  fellow,  who  well  knew  her  simplicity 
and  benevolence,  answered,  Oh !  my  lady,  I'm  deaf  and 
dumb.  Poor  man!  replied  the  innocent  lady,  how  long 
have  you  been  so  ?  Ever  since  I  had  the  fever  last  Christ- 
mas. The  poor  lady  presented  him  with  half-a-crown,  and 
went  away  commiserating  his  misfortune. 

615.  Sheridan  was  very  desirous  that  his  son  Tom 
should  marry  a  young  woman  with  large  fortune,  but 
knew  that  Miss  Callander  had  won  his  son's  heart.  One 
day  he  requested  Tom  to  walk  with  him,  and  soon  enter- 
ed on  the  subject  of  his  marriage,  and  pointed  out  to  him 
in  glowing  colours  the  advantages  of  so  brilliant  an  alli- 
ance. Tom  listened  w^ith  the  utmost  patience,  and  then 
descanted  on  the  perfections  of  the  w^oman  who  proved 
the  pride  and  solace  of  his  declining  years.  Sheridan 
grew  warm,  and  expatiating  on  the  folly  of  his  son,  at ' 
length  exclaimed,  Tom,  if  you  marry  Caroline  Callander, 
ril  cut  you  off  with  a  shilling  !  Tom  could  not  resist  the 
opportunity  of  replying,  and,  looking  archly  at  his  father, 
said.  Then,  sir,  you  must  borrow^  it.  Sheridan  was  tickled 
at  the  Avit,  and  dropped  the  subject. 

616.  About  the  year  1762,  a  colonel  in  command  in  the 
West  Indies,  was  ordered  to  disembark  his  corps  for  the 
attack  of  one  of  the  islands.  In  stepping  into  a  boat  he 
fell  overboard,  and  the  current  was  carrying  him  rapidly 
from  the  ship,  when  an  honest  tar  jumped  after  him,  kept 
him  afloat  till  a  boat  was  despatched  to  his  assistance,  and 
put  him  on  board  again  in  safety.  One  of  Jack's  mess- 
mates having  observed  the  colonel  put  something  into 
the  hand  of  his  deliverer,  stepped  up  to  him,  and  exclaim- 
ed. Dam — me.  Jack,  you're  in  luck  to-day,  aye  !  and 
eagerly  opening  his  hand,  expected  at  least  to  share  in  a 
can  of  grog ;  but  on  discovering  the  generous  reward,  a 


JOB  miller's  jests.  127 

sirpence,  the  tar  uttered  a  prayer,  and  whispered  his 
messmate,  Never  mind.  Jack,  every  man  knows  the  value 
of  his  life  best. 

617.  A  rich,  but  miserly  man,  invited  a  poor  acquaint- 
ance to  dine  with  him,  and  when  they  were  seated  at 
table,  helped  him  to  a  very  small  piece  of  meat  ;  upon 
which,  the  poor  man,  starting  from  his  chair,  exclaimed, 
I'm  blind !  I'm  blind  !  I'm  blind  !  The  other,  astonished 
at  this  sudden  misfortune,  begged  his  guest  to  resume  his 
seat,  and  try  if  he  could  not  see  at  all ;  on  this,  the  poor 
man,  taking  up  his  plate,  said,  I  think  I  can  see  a  little 
bit. 

618.  A  gentleman  happening  to  remark,  one  intensely 
hot  evening,  that  Parliament  would  soon  be  dissolved,  a 
young  lady  immediately  added.  So  shall  we  all,  if  this 
weather  continues. 

619.  Soon  after  the  settlement  of  New  England,  Gov- 
ernor Dudley,  taking  a  walk,  met  a  stout  Indian  beg- 
ging, and  saying  he  could  get  no  work.  The  governor 
told  him  to  go  to  his  house,  and  he  would  give  him  work. 
But,  said  the  negro,  why  you  no  work,  massa  ?  O,  said 
the  governor,  my  head  works.  The  man,  however,  turn- 
ed out  an  idle  good-for-nothing  fellow,  and  his  master 
found  it  necessary  one  day  to  have  him  flogged.  With 
this  view  he  gave  him  a  letter,  desiring  him  to  carry  it  to 
the  keeper  of  the  workhouse.  The  negro,  suspecting  its 
contents,  committed  it  to  the  care  of  one  of  his  comrades, 
who  got  a  sound  whipping  for  his  trouble.  The  governor 
having  learned  this,  asked  Mungo  why  he  did  so  ?  O, 
massa,  said  he,  head  work. 

620.  When  Lord  Stair  was  ambassador  in  Holland,  he 
gave  frequent  entertainments,  to  which  the  foreign  minis- 
ters were  constantly  invited,  not  excepting  the  ambassa- 
dor of  France,  with  whose  nation  we  were  then  on  the 
point  of  breaking.  In  return,  the  Abbe  de  Ville,  the 
French  ambassador,  as  constantly  invited  the  English 
and  Austrian  ambassadors  upon  the  like  occasions.  The 
Abbe  was  a  man  of  vivacity,  and  fond  of  punning.  Agree- 


128  JOE   MILLER  S    JESTS. 

able  to  this  humour,  he  one  day  proposed  a  toast  in  these 
terms :  "  The  Rising  Sun,  my  master,"  alluding  to  the  de- 
vice and  motto  of  Louis  XIY. ;  which  was  pledged  by 
the  whole  company.  It  came  then  to  the  Baron  de  Reis- 
back's  turn  to  give  a  toast ;  and  he,  to  countenance  the 
Abbe,  proposed  the  Moon,  in  compliment  to  the  empress 
queen ;  which  was  greatly  applauded.  The  turn  then 
came  to  the  Earl  of  Stair,  on  whom  all  eyes  were  fasten-' 
ed  ;  but  that  nobleman,  whose  presence  of  mind  never 
forsook  him,  drank  his  master.  King  William,  by  the 
name  of  Joshua,  the  son  of  Nun,  who  made  the  Sun  and 
Moon  stand  still. 

621.  A  Frenchman  having  called  for  some  liquor  at  a 
public-house  in  England,  was  surprised  at  receiving  it  in 
a  glass,  alleging,  he  thought  it  appeared  very  little.  You 
have  enough  for  your  money,  replied  the  host,  gruffly. 
That  may  be,  said  the  other,  but  in  France  they  always 
bring  it  in  a  measure.  Ay,  said  the  landlord,  like  enough ; 
but  we  do  not  want  to  introduce  French  measures  here. 

622.  The  Khalif  Haroun  Alraschid  was  accosted  one 
day  by  a  poor  woman,  who  complained  that  his  soldiers 
had  pillaged  her  house,  and  laid  waste  her  grounds.  The 
khalif  desired  her  to  remember  the  words  of  the  Koran, 
That  when  princes  go  forth  to  battle,  the  people,  through 
whose  fields  they  pass,  must  suifer.  Yes,  said  the  wo- 
man, but  it  is  also  written  in  the  same  book,  that  the 
habitations  of  those  princes,  who  authorize  the  injustice, 
shall  be  made  desolate.  This  bold  and  just  reply  had  a 
powerful  effect  on  the  khalif,  who  ordered  immediate  re- 
paration to  be  made. 

623.  As  the  late  beautiful  Duchess  of  Devonshire  was 
one  day  stepping  out  of  her  carriage,  a  dustman,  who 
was  accidentally  standing  by,  and  was  about  to  regale 
himself  with  his  accustomed  whiff  of  tobacco,  caught  a 
glance  of  her  countenance,  and  instantly  exclaimed,  Love 
and  bless  you,  my  lady,  let  me  light  my  pipe  in  your  eyes ! 
It  is  said  the  duchess  was  so  delighted  with  this  compli- 
ment, that  she  frequently  afterwards  checked  the  strain 
of  adulation,   which  was  so  constantly  offered  to  her 


JOE  miller's  jests.  129 

charms,  by  saying,  Oh !  after  the  dustman's  compUment, 
all  others  are  msipid. 

624.  A  man  carrying  a  cradle,  was  stopped  by  an  old 
woman,  and  thus  accosted :  So,  sir,  you  have  got  some 
of  the  fruits  of  matrimony.  Softly,  softly,  old  lady,  said 
he,  you  mistake,  this  is  merely  the  fruit-basket. 

625.  A  Jew  who  was  condemned  to  be  hanged,  was 
brought  to  the  gallows,  and  was  just  on  the  point  of  be- 
ing turned  off,  when  a  reprieve  arrived.  Moses  was  in- 
formed of  this,  and  it  was  expected  he  would  instantly 
have  quitted  the  cart,  but  he  stayed  to  see  his  two  fellow- 
travellers  hanged ;  and  being  asked.  Why  he  did  not  get 
about  his  business,  he  said.  He  waited  to  see  if  he  could 
bargain  with  Maisther  Ketsch  for  the  two  gentlemen's 
clothes. 

626.  An  English  drummer  having  strolled  from  the 
camp,  approached  the  French  lines,  and  before  he  was 
aware,  was  seized  by  the  piquet,  and  carried  before  the 
commander,  on  suspicion  of  being  a  spy,  disguised  in  a 
drummer's  uniform.  On  being  questioned,  however,  he 
honestly  told  the  truth,  and  declared  who  and  what  he 
was.  This  not  gaining  credit,  a  drum  was  sent  for,  and 
he  was  desired  to  beat  a  couple  of  marches,  which  he 
readily  performed,  and  thus  removed  the  Frenchman's 
suspicion  of  his  assuming  a  fictitious  character.  But,  my 
lad,  said  he,  let  me  now  hear  you  beat  a  retreat.  A  re- 
treat ?  replied  the  drummer ;  I  don't  know  what  it  is, 
nor  is  it  known  in  the  English  service !  The  French  of- 
ficer Avas  so  pleased  Avith  this  sj^irited  remark,  that  he 
dismissed  the  poor  fellow,  with  a  letter  of  recommenda- 
tion to  his  general. 

627.  A  very  volatile  young  lord,  whose  conquests  in 
the  female  world  were  numberless,  at  last  married.  Now, 
my  lord,  said  the  countess,  I  hope  you'll  mend.  Madam, 
said  he,  you  may  depend  upon  it,  this  is  my  last  folly. 

628.  Susan,  said  an  Irish  footman  the  other  day  to  his 
fellow  servant,  what  are  the  joy  bells  ringing  for  again  ? 
In  honour  of  the  Duke  of  York's  birthday,  Mr.  Murphy. 


130  JOE    MILLER  S   JESTS. 

Be  aisy  now,  rejoined  the  Hibernian,  none  of  your  blar- 
ne}- — sure  'twas  the  Prince  Regent's  on  Tuesday,  and  how 
can  it  be  his  brother's  to-day,  unless,  indeed,  they  were 
twins  ? 

629.  When  General  R —  was  quartered  at  a  small  town 
in  Ireland,  he  and  his  lady  were  regularly  besieged,  when- 
ever they  got  into  their  carriage,  by  an  old  beggar-wo- 
man, who  kept  her  post  at  the  door,  assailing  them  daily 
with  fresh  importunities,  and  fresh  tales  of  distress.  At 
last  the  general's  charity  and  the  lady's  patience  were 
nearly  exhausted,  though  their  petitioner's  Avit  was  still 
in  its  pristine  vigour.  One  morning,  at  the  accustomed 
hour,  and  close  by  the  side  of  the  carriage,  the  old  wo- 
man began — Agh!  my  lady,  success  to  your  ladyship, 
and  success  to  your  honour's  honour  this  morning,  of  all 
the  days  in  the  year,  for  sure  didn't  I  dream  last  night 
that  her  ladyship  gave  me  a  pound  of  ta  (tea)  and  that 
your  honour  gave  me  a  pound  of  tobacco.  But,  my  good 
Avoman,  said  the  general,  don't  you  know  that  dreams  al- 
ways go  by  the  rule  of  contrary  ?  Do  they  so,  plase 
your  honour  ?  rejoined  the  old  woman  ;  then  it  must  be 
your  honour  that  will  give  me  the  ta,  and  her  ladyship 
that  will  give  me  the  'bacco. 

630.  A  party  of  bon  vivants,  who  had  recently  dined 
at  a  celebrated  tavern,  after  having  drank  an  immense 
quantity  of  wine,  rang  for  the  bill.  It  was  accordingly 
brouglit,  but  the  amount  appeared  so  enormous  to  one  of 
the  company,  (not  quite  so  far  gone  as  the  rest,)  that  he 
stammered  out,  it  was  impossible  so  many  bottles  could 
have  been  drunk  by  seven  persons.  True,  sir,  said  Boni- 
flice,  but  your  honour  forgets  the  three  gentlemen  under 
the  table. 

631.  The  servant  of  a  naval  commander,  an  Irishman, 
one  day  let  a  tea-kettle  fall  into  the  sea,  upon  which  he 
ran  to  his  master,  Arrah,  an  plase  your  honour,  can  any- 
thing be  said  to  be  lost,  when  you  know  where  it  is  ? 
Certainly  not,  replied  the  captain.  AVhy  then  your  kettle 
is  at  the  bottom  of  the  sea. 

632.  Amiral  Keppel  being  sent  to  Algiers,  for  the  pur- 


JOE   MILLER'S   JESTS.  131 


pose  of  demanding  satisfaction  for  the  injuries  done  t 
his  Britannic  Majesty's  subjects,  by  the  corsairs  of  tha 


to 
that 
state,  the  Dey,  enraged  at  the  boldness  of  the  ambassa- 
dor, exchximed,  tliat  lie  wondered  at  the  insolence  of  the 
English  monarch,  in  sending  him  a  messuage  by  a  foolish 
beardless  boy.  The  admiral  immediately  replied.  That 
if  his  master  had  supposed  wisdom  was  to  be  measured 
by  length  of  beard,  he  would  have  sent  his  Deyship  a 
billy-goat. 

633.  When  Lord  Anson  once  attacked  a  French  squad- 
ron in  the  Bay  of  Biscay,  and  L'Invincible  struck.  Mon- 
sieur de  la  Jonquieu,  who  Avas  the  commander,  was 
brought  aboard  the  admiral's  ship,  where  seeing  Le  Glo- 
rieux,  another  of  his  squadron,  engaged  with  an  English 
vessel  of  superior  force,  he  bowed,  surrendered  his  sword, 
and  said.  My  Lord,  you  have  conquered  the  Invincible, 
and  Glory  must  follow. 

634.  A  fellow  who  loved  laughing  better  than  his  meat, 
put  a  number  of  rams'  horns  into  a  basket,  and  went  up 
and  down  the  streets  at  the  west  end  of  the  town,  cry- 
ing. New  fruit,  new  fruit,  lio !  as  loud  as  he  could  bawl. 
Lord hearing  the  noise,  put  his  head  out  of  his  draw- 
ing-room window,  and  asked  the  fellow  to  show  him  his 
fruit ;  which  having  looked  at,  he  asked  him  if  he  was 
not  ashamed  thus  to  disturb  a  quiet  neighbourhood  ;  for 
who  the  devil,  said  the  peer,  do  you  think  will  buy  horns  ? 
Well,  master,  replied  tlie  fellow,  do  not  put  yourself  in 
a  passion  ;  though  you  are  provided,  I  may  meet  with 
other  men  that  are  not. 

635.  Dean ,  when  residing  on  a  living  in  the  coun- 
try, had  occasion  one  day  to  unite  a  rustic  couple  in  the 
holy  bands  of  matrimony.  The  ceremony  being  over,  the 
husband  began  "to  sink  in  resolution,"  and  falling  (as 
some  husbands  might  do)  into  a  fit  of  repentance,  he  said, 
Your  reverence  has  tied  this  knot  tightly,  I  fancy,  but, 
under  favour,  may  I  ask  your  reverence,  if  so  be  you 
could  untie  it  again  ?  Why  no,  replied  the  Dean,  we 
never  do  that  on  this  part  of  the  consecrated  ground. 
Where  then  ?  cried  the  man  eagerly.  On  that,  pointing 
to  the  burial  ground. 


131  JOE  miller's  jests. 

636.  An  Irish  gentleman,  in  the  warmth  of  national 
feeling,  was  j^raising  Ireland  for  the  cheapness  of  provi- 
sions ;  a  salmon,  he  said,  might  be  bought  for  sixpence, 
and  a  dozen  mackerel  for  twopence.  And  pray,  sir,  how 
came  you  to  leave  so  cheap  a  country  ?  Arrah,  my  dear 
honey!  exclaimed  the  Irishman,  just  because  there  were 
no  sixpences  and  twopences  to  be  got. 

637.  The  Spaniards  do  not  often  pay  hyperbolical  com- 
pliments, but  one  of  their  admired  writers,  speaking  of  a 
lady's  black  eyes,  said.  That  they  were  in  mourning  for 
the  murders  they  had  committed. 

638.  An  old  gentleman  of  eighty-four,  having  taken  to 
the  altar  a  young  damsel  of  about  sixteen,  the  clergyman 
said  to  him :  The  font  is  at  the  other  end  of  the  c-hurch. 
What  do  I  want  with  the  font  ?  said  the  old  gentleman. 
Oh !  I  beg  your  pardon,  said  the  clerical  wit,  I  thought 
you  had  brought  this  child  to  be  christened. 

639.  In  a  great  storm  at  sea,  when  the  ship's  crew  were 
all  at  prayers,  a  boy  burst  into  a  violent  fit  of  laughter ; 
being  reproved  for  his  ill-timed  mirth,  and  asked  the  rea' 
son  of  it — Why,  said  he,  I  was  laughing  to  think  what  a 
hissing  the  boatswain's  red  nose  will  make  Avhen  it  comes 
into  the  Avater.  This  ludicrous  remark  set  the  crew 
a-laughing,  inspired  them  with  new  spirits,  and  by  a  great 
exertion  they  brought  the  vessel  safe  into  port. 

640.  A  bon  vivant  of  fashion,  brought  to  his  death-bed 
by  an  iimnoderate  use  of  wine,  after  having  been  serious- 
ly taken  leave  of  by  Dr.  Pitcairn,  and  being  told  that  he 
could  not  in  all  human  probability  survive  many  hours, 
and  would  die  by  eight  o'clock  next  morning,  exerted 
the  small  remains  of  his  strength  to  call  the  doctor  back, 
which  having  accomplished  with  difficulty,  his  loudest 
effort  not  exceeding  a  whisper,  he  said,  with  the  true 
spirit  of  a  gambler.  Doctor,  I'll  bet  you  a  bottle  I  live 
till  nine ! 

641.  Two  Irish  bricklayers  were  working  at  some 
houses,  and  one  of  them  was  boasting  of  the  steadiness 
with  which  he  could  carry  a  load  to  any  height.     The 


JOE    MILLERS    JESTS.  133 

Other  contested  the  point,  and  the  conversation  ended  in 
a  bet  that  he  could  not  carry  him  in  liis  hod  up  a  ladder 
to  the  top  of  the  building.  The  experiment  was  made  : 
Pat  placed  himself  in  the  hod,  and  his  comrade,  after  a 
great  deal  of  care  and  exertion,  succeeded  in  taking  Inm 
up.  Without  any  reflection  on  the  danger  he  had  escap- 
ed, the  loser  observed  to  the  winner.  To  be  sure,  I  have 
lost ;  but  don't  you  remember,  about  the  third  story  you 
made  a  slip — I  was  then  in  hopes. 

642.  The  Rev.  Caleb  Colton,  nephew  of  Sir  George 
Staunton,  has  related  in  a  recent  publication,  the  follow- 
ing anecdote :  My  late  uncle.  Sir  G.  Staunton  told  me  a 
curious  anecdote  of  old  Kien  Long,  Emperor  of  China. 
He  was  iuquiring  of  Sir  George  the  manner  in  which 
physicians  were  paid  in  England.  When,  after  some  dif- 
Kculty,  his  majesty  was  made  to  comprehend  the  system, 
he  exclaimed,  Is  any  man  well  in  England  that  can  afford 
to  be  ill?  Now,  I  will  inform  you,  said  he,  how  I  man- 
age my  physicians.  I  have  four,  to  whom  the  care  of  my 
health  is  committed :  a  certain  weekly  salary  is  allowed 
them,  but  the  moment  I  am  ill,  the  salary  stops  till  I  am 
well  again.  I  need  not  inform  you  my  illnesses  are  usually 
short.  • 

643.  The  late  Lord  Norbury,  some  time  since  going  as 
a  judge  on  the  Munster  circuit,  was,  as  usual,  so  strict  in 
the  administration  of  criminal  justice,  that  few,  of  whose 
guilt  there  were  any  strong  grounds  of  suspicion,  were 
sufl:ered  to  escape,  merely  through  any  slovenly  flaws  in 
the  wording  of  their  indictments,  or  doubts  upon  the 
testimony.  Dining,  as  usual,  with  the  seniors  of  the  bar, 
at  an  inn,  a  gentleman,  who  sat  near  the  judge,  asked 
leave  to  help  his  lordship  to  part  of  a  pickled  tongue. 
Lord  Xorbury  replied,  he  did  not  like  pickled  tongue ; 
but  if  it  had  been  hung,  he  would  try  it.  Mr.  Curran, 
who  sat  on  the  other  side,  said,  that  the  defect  was  easily 
obviated ;  for  if  his  lordship  would  only  try  it,  it  would 
certainly  be  hung. 

644.  A  clergyman  was  reading  the  burial  service  over 
an  Irish  corpse,  and  having  forgot  which  sex  it  was,  on 


134  JOE  miller's  jests. 

coming  to  that  part  of  the  ceremony  which  reads  thus  : 
our  clear  brother  or  sister,  the  reverend  gentleman  stop- 
ped, and  seeing  Pat  stand  by,  stepped  back,  and  whisjDcr- 
ing  to  him,  said.  Is  it  a  brother  or  a  sister  ?  Pat  answer- 
ed, Neither,  it  is  only  a  relation. 

645.  Sir  J.  S.  Hamilton,  lounging  one  day  in  Dalby's 
chocolate  house,  when,  after  a  long  drought  there  fell  a 
torrent  of  rain  :  a  country  gentleman  observed.  This  is  a 
most  delightful  rain ;  It  will  bring  up  everything  out  of 
the  ground.  By  Jove,  sir,  said  Sir  John,  I  hope  not ;  for 
I  have  soAvn  three  wives,  and  I  should  be  very  sorry  to 
see  them  come  up  again. 

646.  The  father  of  an  Irish  student,  seeing  his  son  do- 
ing something  improper,  How  now,  sirrah,  said  he,  did 
you  ever  see  me  do  so  when  I  was  a  boy  ? 

647.  AVhen  Mr.  Penn,  a  young  gentleman  well 
known  for  his  eccentricities,  walked  from  Hyde  Park 
Corner  to  Hammersmith,  for  a  wager  of  one  hundred 
guineas,  with  the  Honourable  Butler  Danvers,  several 
gentlemen  who  had  witnessed  the  contest  spoke  of  it  to 
the  Duchess  of  Gordon,  and  added,  It  was  a  pity  that  a 
man  with  so  many  good  qualities  as  this  Penn  had, 
should  be  incessantly  playing  these  unaccountable  pranks. 
It  is  so,  said  her  grace,  but  why  don't  you  advise  him 
better  ?  He  seems  to  be  a  pen  that  everybody  cuts,  but 
nobody  mends. 

648.  David  Hume  and  R.  B,  Sheridan  were  crossing 
the  water  to  Holland,  when  a  high  gale  arising,  the 
philosopher  seemed  under  great  apprehension  lest  he 
should  go  to  the  bottom.  Why,  said  his  friend,  that 
will  suit  your  genius  to  a  tittle  ;  as  for  my  part,  I  am 
only  for  skimming  the  surface. 

649.  Quin  sometimes  said  things  at  once  witty  and 
wise.  Disputing  concerning  the  execution  of  Charles  I., 
But  by  what  laws,  said  his  opponent,  was  he  put  to 
death  ?     By  all  the  laws  that  he  had  left  them. 

650.  An  English  gentleman  travelling  through  the 
Highlands,    came  to   the   inn  of  Letter  Finlay,  in  the 


JOE    MILLERS   JESTS.  135 

"braes  of  Locbaber,  He  saw  no  person  near  the  inn,  and 
knocked  at  the  door.  No  answer.  He  knocked  repeat- 
edly, with  as  little  success ;  he  then  opened  the  door,  and 
Avalked  in.  On  looking  about,  he  saw  a  man  lying  on  a 
bed,  whom  he  hailed  thus :  Are  there  any  Christians  in 
this  house  ?     No,  was  the  reply,  we  are  all  Camerons. 

651.  Two  bucks,  lately  sitting  over  a  pint  of  wine, 
made  up  for  the  deficiency  of  port  by  the  liveliness  of 
their  wit.  After  many  jokes  had  passed,  one  of  them 
took  up  a  nut,  and  holding  it  to  his  friend,  said.  If  this 
nut  could  speak,  what  would  it  say  ?  Why,  rejoined  the 
other,  it  would  say,  give  me  none  of  your  jaw. 

652.  A  gentleman  indisposed,  and  confined  to  his  bed, 
sent  his  servant  to  see  what  hour  it  was  by  a  sun-dial, 
which  was  fastened  to  a  post  in  his  garden.  The  servant 
was  an  Irishman,  and  being  at  a  loss  how  to  find  the 
time,  carried  the  sun-dial  to  his  master,  saying,  Arrali, 
now  look  at  it  yourself:  it  is  indeed  all  a  mystery  to 
me. 

653.  A  gentleman  in  the  "West  Indies,  who  had  fre- 
quently promised  his  friends  to  leave  off  drinking,  with- 
out their  discovering  any  improvement,  was  one  morning 
called  on  early  by  an  intimate  friend,  Avho  met  the  negro 
boy  at  his  door.  Well,  Sambo,  said  he,  where  is  your 
master  ?  Massa  gone  out,  sare,  was  the  reply.  And  has 
he  left  off  drinking  yet  ?  rejoined  the  first.  Oh  yes,  sure, 
said  Sambo,  massa  leave  off  drinking — he  leave  off  two- 
tree  time  dis  morning. 

654.  An  Irishman  having  been  summoned  to  the  Court 
of  Requests  at  Guildhall,  by  an  apothecary,  for  medi- 
cines, was  asked  by  one  of  the  commissioners  what  the 
plaintiff  had  from  time  to  time  served  him  with,  to  which 
he  gave  suitable  answers.  And  pray,  said  the  commis- 
sioner, what  was  the  last  thing  he  served  you  with  ? 
Why,  your  honour,  replied  the  honest  Hibernian,  the 
last  thing  he  served  me  with,  please  you,  was  the  sum- 
mons. 

655.  When  George  II.  was  once  expressing  his  admi- 


136  JOE  miller's  jests. 

ration  of  General  Wolfe,  some  one  observed  that  the 
general  was  mad.  Oh !  he  is  mad,  is  he !  said  the  king, 
with  great  quickness,  then  I  wish  he  would  bite  some  of 
my  other  generals. 

656.  A  sailor  who  had  served  on  board  the  Romney, 
Avith  Sir  Home  Popham,  after  returning  home  from  India, 
finding  that  wigs  were  all  in  fashion,  bespoke  a  red  one, 
w^hich  he  sported  at  Portsmouth,  to  the  great  surprise 
of  his  companions.  On  being  asked  the  cause  of  the 
change  of  colour  in  his  hair,  he  said  it  was  occasioned 
by  his  bathing  in  the  Ked  Sea. 

657.  A  physician  attending  a  lady  several  times,  had 
received  a  couple  of  guineas  each  visit ;  at  last,  when  he 
was  going  away,  she  gave  him  but  one ;  at  Avhich  he  was 
surprised,  and  looking  on  the  floor,  as  if  in  search  of 
something,  she  asked  him  what  he  looked  for.  I  believe, 
madam,  said  he,  I  have  dropped  a  guinea.  No,  sir, 
replied  the  lady,  it  is  I  that  have  droj^ped  it. 

658.  A  prudent  poet,  about  the  beginning  of  the  civil, 
or  rather  uncivil,  troubles  for  men  of  his  kidney,  in  Eng- 
land's rebellious  days,  was  asked  as  he  lay  on  his  death- 
bed, how  he  would  be  buried?  With  my  face  down- 
ward ;  for  in  a  short  time  England  will  be  turned  upside 
down,  and  then  I  shall  be  right. 

659.  A  boy  having  run  aAvay  from  school  to  go  to  sea, 
his  friends  wrote  to  him,  that  death  would  be  perpetually 
staring  him  in  the  fice ;  to  which  he  replied,  Well,  what 
of  that?  every  ship  is  provided  with  shrouds. 

660.  A  facetious  fellow  having  unwittingly  oflfended  a 
conceited  puppy,  the  latter  told  him  he  Avas  no  gentle- 
man. Are  you  a  gentleman  ?  asked  the  droll  one.  Yes, 
sir,  bounced  the  fop.  Then  I  am  very  glad  I  am  not,  re- 
plied the  other. 

661.  Why  you  have  never  opened  your  mouth  this 
session,  said  Sir  Thomas  Lethbridge  to  Mr.  Gye.  I  beg 
your  pardon.  Sir  Thomas,  replied  Mr.  Gye ;  your 
speeches  have  made  me  open  it  very  frequently.  My 
jaws  have  ached  with  yawning. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  137 

662.  A  person  who  was  famous  for  arriving  just  at 
dinner-time,  upon  going  to  a  friend's  (where  he  was  a 
frequent  dropper  in),  was  asked  by  the  lady  of  the  house 
if  he  would  do  as  they  did.  On  his  replying  he  should 
be  happy  to  have  the  pleasure,  she  replied,  Dine  at  home 
then.     A  quietus  for  some  time  at  least. 

663.  As  a  worthy  city  baronet  was  gazing  one  evening 
at  the  gas  lights  in  front  of  the  Mansion-house,  an  old 
acquaintance  came  up  to  him,  and  said.  Well,  Sir  Wil- 
liam, are  you  studying  astronomy  ?  No,  sir,  replied  the 
alderman.  I  am  studying  gastronomy.  His  friend 
looked  astonished,  and  the  baronet  replied.  Do  you 
doubt  my  voracity  ?     No,  Sir  William. 

664.  A  certain  cit,  who  had  suddenly  risen  into  wealth 
by  monopolies  and  contracts,  from  a  very  low  condition 
in  life,  stood  up  in  the  pit  of  the  opera  with  his  hat  on ; 
the  Duchess  of  Gordon  whispered  to  a  lady.  We  must 
forgive  that  man  :  he  has  so  short  a  time  been  used  to 
the  luxury  of  a  hat,  that  he  does  not  know  when  to  pull 
it  off. 

665.  A  person  disputing  with  Peter  Pindar,  said,  in 
great  heat,  that  he  did  not  like  to  be  thought  a  scoun- 
drel. I  wish,  replied  Peter,  that  you  had  as  great  a  dis- 
like to  being  a  scoundrel. 

666.  A  lady  in  Calcutta  asked  Colonel  Ironsides  for  a 
mango.  As  he  rolled  it  along  the  table,  it  fell  into  a 
plate  of  kissmists,  a  kind  of  grape  very  common  in  the 
East  Indies :  upon  which  Dr.  Hunter,  a  gentleman  as 
eminent  for  his  wit  as  for  his  skill  in  his  profession,  neat- 
ly observed.  How  naturally  man-goes  to  kiss-miss. 

667.  At  one  of  those  large  convivial  parties  which  dis- 
tinguished the  table  of  Major  Hobart,  when  he  was 
Secretary  in  Ireland,  amongst  the  usual  loyal  toasts, 
The  wooden  walls  of  England  !  being  given,  Sir  John 
Hamilton,  in  his  turn,  gave  The  wooden  walls  of  Ire- 
land !  The  toast  being  quite  new,  he  was  asked  for  an 
explanation :  upon  which,  filling  a  bumper,  he  very 
gravely  stood  up,  and,  bowing  to  the  Marquis  of  Water- 


Ip8  JOB  milleb's  je^tb. 

ford  and  several  country  gentlemen,  who  commanded 
county  regiments,  he  said,  My  lords  and  gentlemen,  I 
have  the  j^leasure  of  giving  you  The  wooden  walls  of 
Ireland — the  colonels  of  militia. 

668.  When  it  was  debated  about  sending  bishops  to 
America,  much  was  said  pro  and  con.  One  gentleman 
wondered  that  anybody  should  object  to  it ;  For  my  part, 
said  he,  I  wish  all  our  bishops  were  sent  to  America. 

669.  Dr.  Parr  once  called  a  clergyman  a  fool,  who,  in- 
deed, was  little  better.  The  clergyman  said  he  would 
complain  of  this  usage  to  the  bishop.  Do,  said  the 
doctor,  and  my  lord  bishop  will  confirm  you. 

670.  Ralph  Wewitzer,  ordering  a  box  of  candles,  said 
he  hoped  they  would  be  better  than  the  last.  The 
chandler  said  he  was  very  sorry  to  hear  them  complained 
of,  as  they  were  as  good  as  he  could  make.  Why,  said 
Ralph,  they  were  very  well  till  about  half  burnt  down, 
but  after  that  they  would  not  burn  any  longer. 

671.  Piavano  Arloto,  a  bufibon,  boasted  that  in  all  his 
life  he  never  spoke  truth.  Except,  replied  another,  at 
this  present  moment. 

672.  A  Cantab,  who  happened  to  be  under  Sir  B.  Har- 
wood,  when  professor,  was  enjoined  to  live  temperately, 
as  a  cure  for  his  malady.  The  doctor  called  upon  him 
one  day,  and  found  him  enjoying  himself  over  a  bottle 
of  Madeira.  Ah,  doctor !  exclaimed  the  patient,  at  the 
same  time  reaching  out  his  hand  to  bid  him  welcome,  I 
am  glad  to  see  you ;  you  are  just  in  time  to  taste  the 
first  bottle  of  some  prime  Madeira!  Ah!  replied  Sir 
Busack,  these  bottles  of  Madeira  wiJl  never  do — they  are 
the  cause  of  all  your  suflTerings !  Are  they  so  ?  cried  the 
patient,  then  fill  your  glass,  my  dear  doctor ;  for,  since 
we  know  the  cause,  the  sooner  we  get  rid  of  it  the 
better. 

673.  A  late  wit,  at  the  time  when  the  revolutionary 
names  of  the  months  (Thermidor,  Floreal,  Nivose,  &g.) 
were  adopted  in  France,  proposed  to  extend  the  innova- 
tion to  our  own  language,  somewhat  on  the  following 


JOE   MILLER'S    JESTS.  139 

model :  Freezy,  Siieezy,  Breezy,  Wheezy ;  Showery, 
Lowery,  Flowery,  Bowery;  Snowy,  Flowy,  Blowy, 
Glowy. 

G74,  A  duel,  between  M.  de  Langerie  and  M.  de  Mon- 
tande,  both  remarkable  for  their  ugliness,  had  a  very 
comic  catastrophe.  Arrived  at  the  place  of  fighting,  M. 
de  Langerie  stared  his  adversary  in  the  face,  and  said,  I 
have  just  reflected  ;  I  can't  fight  with  you.  AVitli  this 
he  returned  his  sword  to  its  scabbard.  How,  sir,  what 
does  this  mean  ?  It  means  that  I  shall  not  fight.  What ! 
you  insult  me,  and  refuse  to  give  me  satisfaction  ?  If  I 
have  insulted  you,  I  ask  a  thousand  pardons,  but  I  have 
an  insurmountable  reason  for  not  figliting  with  you. 
But,  sir,  may  one  know  it?  It  willofiend  you.  No,  sir. 
You  assure  me  ?  Y.es,  I  assure  you.  Well,  sir,  this  it 
is  :  if  we  figlit,  according  to  all  apearances  I  shall  kill 
you,  and  then  I  shall  remain  the  ugliest  fellow  in  the 
kingdom.  His  adversary  could  not  help  laughing,  and 
they  returned  to  the  city  good  friends. 

675.  A  clergyman,  on  leaving  church,  was  compliment- 
ed by  one  of  his  friends  on  the  discourse  he  had  been  de- 
livering. South  himself,  exclaimed  the  delighted  audi- 
tor, never  preached  a  better.  You  are  right,  replied  the 
honest  divine, — it  was  the  very  best  he  ever  did  preach. 

676.  On  a  remarkably  hot  summer's  day,  an  Irishman, 
thinly  and  openly  dressed,  sitting  down  in  a  violent  per- 
spiration, was  cautioned  against  catching  cold.  Catch 
it  ?  said  he,  wiping  his  face,  where  ?  I  wish  I  could 
catch  it. 

677.  Sheridan  made  his  appearance  one  day  in  a  pair 
of  new  boots — these  attracting  the  notice  of  some  of  his 
friends,  Now  guess,  said  he,  how  I  came  by  these  boots  ? 
Many  probable  guesses  then  took  place.  No  !  said  Sher- 
idan, no,  you've  not  hit  it,  nor  ever  will ;  I  bought  them, 
and  paid  for  them. 

678.  A  gentleman,  long  famous  for  the  aptitude  of  his 
puns,  observing  a  violent  fracas  in  the  front  of  a  gin-shop, 
facetiously  termed  it  the  battle  of  A-gin-court. 


140 


679.  When  Lord  Sandwich  was  to  present  Admiral 
Campbell,  he  told  him,  that,  probably,  the  king  would 
knight  him.  The  admiral  did  not  much  relish  the  hon- 
our. AYeil,  but,  said  Lord  S.,  perhaps  Mrs.  Campbell 
will  like  it.  Then  let  the  king  knight  her,  answered  the 
rough  seaman. 

680.  A  father,  exhorting  his  son  to  early  rising,  relat- 
ed a  story  of  a  person  who,  early  one  morning,  found  a 
large  purse  of  money.  Well,  replied  the  youth,  but  the 
person  who  lost  it  rose  earlier. 

681.  Reynolds,  the  dramatist,  observing  to  Martin  the 
thinness  of  the  house  at  one  of  his  own  plays,  added,  He 
supposed  it  was  owing  to  the  war.  No,  replied  the  lat- 
ter, it  is  owing  to  the  piece. 

682.  A  physician  being  sent  for,  by  a  maker  of  univers- 
al specifics,  expressed  his  surprise  at  being  called  in  on 
an  occasion  apparently  so  trifling.  Xot  so  trifling  neither, 
replied  the  quack,  for,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  I  have  taken 
some  of  my  own  pills. 

683.  About  tlie  time  when  Murphy  so  successfully  at- 
tacked the  stage-struck  heroes  in  the  pleasant  farce  of 
'  The  Apprentice,'  an  eminent  poulterer  went  to  a  spout- 
ing-club  in  search  of  his  servant,  who,  he  nnderstood, 
was  that  evening  to  make  his  debut  in  Lear,  and  entered 
the  room  at  the  moment  he  w\as  exclaiming,  "  I  am  the 
king  ;  you  cannot  touch  me  for  coining."  No,  you  dog, 
cried  the  enraged  master,  catching  the  mad  monarch  by 
his  collar,  but  I  can  for  not  picking  the  ducks. 

684.  A  West  Lidian,  who  had  a  remarkably  fiery  nose, 
sleeping  in  his  chair,  a  negro-boy,  who  was  in  waiting, 
observed  a  musquito  hovering  about  his  face.  Quashi 
eyed  the  insect  very  attentively,  and  at  last  saw  him 
alight  upon  his  master's  nose,  and  immediately  fly  off 
again.  Ah!  exclaimed  the  negro,  me  glad  to  see  you 
burn  your  foot. 

685.  Sheridan  was  dining  with  Lord  ThurloAV,  when 
he  produced  some  admirable  Constantia,  which  had  been 
sent  him  from  the  Cape  of  Good  Hope.  The  wine  tickled 


JOE   MILLER\S   JESTS.  141 

the  palate  of  Sheridan,  "who  saw  the  bottle  emptied 
with  uncommon  regret,  and  set  his  wits  to  work  to  get 
another.  The  old  Chancellor  was  not  to  be  so  easily  in- 
duced to  produce  his  carious  Cape  in  such  profusion,  and 
foiled  all  Sheridan's  attempts  to  get  another  glass.  Sher- 
idan being  piqued,  and  seeing  the  inutility  of  persecuting 
the  immovable  pillar  of  the  law,  turned  towards  a  gentle- 
man sitting  farther  down,  and  said.  Sir,  pass  me  up  that 
decanter,  for  I  must  return  to  Madeira  since  I  cannot 
double  the  Cape. 

686.  Two  city  merchants  conversing  upon  business  at 
the  door  of  the  New  York  Coffee-house,  one  of  them 
made  some  remarks  on  the  badness  of  the  times  ;  and 
perceiving  at  the  moment,  a  flight  of  pigeons  passing 
over  their  heads,  he  exclaimed.  How  happy  are  those 
pigeons !  they  have  no  acceptances  to  provide  for.  To 
which  the  other  replied.  You  are  rather  in  error,  my 
friend,  for  they  have  their  bills  to  provide  for  as  well 
as  we ! 

687.  An  Irishman  having  lost  an  eye,  a  friend  of  his 
recommended  him  to  one  of  our  famous  oculists,  with 
whom  he  agreed  to  give  ten  guineas  for  a  very  beautiful 
one  shown  him  among  the  rest.  He  actually  called  the 
next  day  to  abuse  him  for  having  sold  him  an  eye  with 
which  he  could  not  see. 

688.  An  Irish  soldier  pretending  dumbness,  and  the 
surgeon  of  the  regiment,  after  several  attempts  to  restore 
him,  declaring  him  incurable,  Avas  discharged.  He,  a  short 
time  afterwards  enlisted  in  another  corps,  and  being  re- 
cognized by  an  old  comrade,  and  questioned  how  he 
learned  to  speak  ?  By  the  powers,  replied  Terence,  ten 
guineas  would  make  any  man  speak. 

689.  A  singer  once  complaining  to  Mr.  Jeffery,  that 
himself  and  his  brother  (both  of  whom  were  deemed 
simpletons),  had  been  ordered  to  take  ass's  milk,  but  that 
on  account  of  its  expensiveness,  he  hardly  knew  what 
they  should  do.  Do !  cried  Mr.  Jeffery,  why  suck  one 
another,  to  be  sure. 


142 


690.  A  Cantab,  one  clay  observing  a  ragamuffin-looking 
boy  scratching  his  head  at  the  door  of  Stevenson,  the 
bookseller,  in  Cambridge,  where  he  was  begging,  and 
thinking  to  pass  a  joke  upon  him,  said.  So,  Jack,  you 
are  picking  them  out,  are  you  ?  Xah,  sar,  retorted  the 
urchin,  I  takes  'em  as  they  come  ! 

691.  An  Irish  gardener  seeing  a  boy  stealing  some 
fruit,  swore,  if  he  caught  him  there  again,  he'd  lock  him 
up  in  the  ice-house,  and  warm  his  jacket. 

692.  Swift's  Stella,  who  was  an  Irish  lady,  being  ex- 
tremely ill,  her  physician  said.  Madam,  you  are  certainly 
near  the  bottom  of  the  hill,  but  we  shall  endeavour  to 
get  you  up  again.  She  replied,  Doctor,  I  am  afraid  I 
shall  be  out  of  breath  before  I  get  to  the  top  again. 

693.  A  lady  observing  in  company,  how  glorious  and 
useful  a  body  the  sun  was, — Why,  yes,  madam,  said  an 
Irish  gentleman  present,  the  sun  is  a  very  fine  body,  to 
be  sure  ;  but,  in  my  opinion,  the  moon  is  much  more  use- 
ful ;  for  the  moon  afibrds  us  light  in  the  night-time,  when 
we  really  want  it ;  whereas  we  have  the  sun  with  us  in 
the  day-time,  when  we  have  no  occasion  for  it. 

694.  Doctor  Lucas,  the  celebrated  Irish  patriot,  hav- 
ing, after  a  very  sharp  contest,  carried  the  election  as  a 
representative  in  parliament  for  the  city  of  Dublin,  was 
met,  a  few  days  after,  by  a  lady  whose  whole  family  w-ere 
very  warm  in  the  interest  of  the  unsuccessful  candidate  ; 
Well,  doctor,  said  she,  I  find  you  have  gained  the  election. 
Yes,  madam.  No  wonder,  sir :  all  the  blackguards  vot- 
ed for  you.  No,  madam,  your  two  sons  did  not,  return- 
ed the  doctor. 

695.  Anthony  Pasquin  one  day  leaning  over  the  Mar- 
gate Pier,  after  a  tremendous  storm  on  the  preceding 
night,  You  have  had  a  blustering  night  of  it,  said  he,  to 
an  Irish  sailor,  who  stood  near  him,  but  after  a  storm 
comes  a  calm.  By  my  sowl,  and  so  it  ought,  said  Pat, 
for  the  winds  and  the  waves  had  a  hard  night's  bout  of 
it,  and  it's  time  for  them  to  rest  themselves. 


\ 


143 


696.  An  Irishman,  speaking  of  the  rapacity  of  the 
clergy  in  exacting  their  tithes,  said.  By  Jasus,  let  a  far- 
mer be  ever  so  poor,  they  won't  fail  to  make  him  pay 
his  full  tenths,  whether  he  can  or  not ;  nay,  they  would 
instead  of  a  tenth  take  a  twentieth,  if  the  law  permitted 
them. 

697.  When  Dr.  Franklin  applied  to  the  King  of  Prus- 
sia to  lend  his  assistance  to  America,  Pray,  doctor,  said 
the  veteran,  what  is  the  object  you  mean  to  attain  ? 
Liberty,  sire,  replied  the  philosopher  of  Philadelphia  : 
liberty !  that  freedom  which  is  the  birth-right  of  man. 
The  king,  after  a  short  pause,  made  this  memorable  and 
kingly  answer :  I  was  born  a  prince,  I  am  become  a  king, 
and  I  will  not  use  the  power  which  I  possess  to  the  ruin 
of  my  own  trade. 

698.  Two  gentlemen  at  Bath  having  a  difference,  one 
went  to  the  other's  door  early  in  the  morning,  and  wrote 
'  Scoundrel '  upon  it.  The  other  called  upon  his  neigh- 
bour, and  was  answered  by  his  servant,  that  his  master 
was  not  at  home,  but  if  he  had  anything  to  say  he  might 
leave  it  with  him.  No,  no,  said  he,  I  was  only  going  to 
return  your  master's  visit,  as  he  left  his  name  at  my  door 
this  morning. 

699.  A  robustious  countryman,  meeting  a  physician, 
ran  to  hide  behind  a  wall ;  being  asked  the  cause,  he  re- 
plied. It  is  so  long  since  I  have  been  sick,  that  I  am 
ashamed  to  look  a  physician  in  the  face. 

700.  A  Cantab  being  out  of  ready  cash,  went  in  haste 
to  a  fellow-student  to  borrow,  who  happened  to  be  in  bed 
at  the  time.  Shaking  him,  the  Cantab  demanded.  Are 
you  asleep  ?  Why  ?  said  the  student.  Because,  replied 
the  other,  I  want  to  borrow  half-a-crown.  Then,  answer- 
ed the  student,  I'm  asleep. 

YOl.  Through  an  avenue  of  trees,  at  the  back  of  Trin- 
ity College,  a  church  may  be  seen  at  a  considerable  dis- 
tance, the  approach  to  which  affords  no  very  pleasing 
scenery.  The  late  Professor  Person,  on  a  time,  walk- 
ing that  way  with  a  friend^  and  observing  the  church, 


144  JOE  miller's  jests. 

remarked,  That  it  put  him  in  mind  of  a  fellowship,  which 
was  a  long  dreary  walk,  with  a  chm-ch  at  the  end  of  it. 

702.  A  certain  lodging-house  was  very  much  infested 
by  vermin  ;  a  gentleman  who  slept  there  one  night,  told 
the  landlady  so  in  the  morning,  when  she  said.  La,  sir, 
we  haven't  a  single  one  in  the  house.  No,  ma'am,  said 
he,  they're  all  married,  and  have  large  families  too. 

703.  One  of  the  check-takers  (an  Irishman)  at  the  Zoo- 
logical Society's  Garden,  mentioned  to  a  friend,  that  the 
Queen  had  visited  the  garden  incog,  on  a  particular  day. 
Why,  said  the  person  he  was  informing.  It  is  odd  we 
never  heard  of  it !  Oh,  not  at  all,  at  all,  rejoined  Pat : 
for  she  didn't  come  like  a  queen ;  but  clane  and  dacent 
like  another  lady ! 

704.  An  officer  in  full  regimentals  passing  through  a 
street  in  Dublin,  apprehensive  lest  he  should  come  in  con- 
tact with  a  chimney  sweep  that  was  pressing  towards 
him,  exclaimed,  Hold  off,  you  black  rascal.  You  were  as 
black  as  me  before  you  were  boiled,  cried  sooty. 

705.  Voltaire,  in  the  presence  of  an  Englishman,  was 
one  day  enlarging  with  great  Avarmth  in  the  praise  of 
Haller,  extolling  him  as  a  great  poet,  a  great  naturalist, 
and  a  man  of  universal  attainments.  The  Englishman, 
who  had  been  on  a  visit  to  Haller,  answered,  that  it  was 
handsome  in  Monsieur  de  Voltaire  to  speak  so  favourably 
of  Monsieur  Haller,  inasmuch  as  Monsieur  Haller  was  by 
no  means  so  liberal  to  Monsieur  de  Voltaire.  Alas !  said 
Voltaire,  with  an  air  of  philosophic  indulgence,  I  dare  to 
say  we  are  both  very  much  mistaken  ! 

706.  One  day,  when  Sir  Isaac  Heard  was  with  his 
majesty  King  George  HI.,  it  was  announced  that  his 
majesty's  horse  was  ready  to  start  for  hunting.  Sir  Isaac, 
said  the  monarch,  are  you  a  judge  of  horses  ?  In  my 
younger  days,  please  your  majesty,  was  the  reply,  I  was 
a  great  deal  among  them.  What  do  you  think  of  this, 
then  ?  said  the  king,  who  was  by  this  time  preparing  to 
mount  his  favourite;  and  without  waiting  for  an  answer, 
added,  We  call  him  Perfection.     A  most  aj^propriate 


JOE  miller's  jests.  145 

name,  replied  the  courtly  herald,  bowing  as  his  majesty- 
reached  the  saddle,  for  he  bears  the  best  of  characters ! 

707.  At  Worcester  Assizes,  a  cause  was  tried  about 
the  soundness  of  a  horse,  in  which  a  clergyman,  not  edu- 
cated in  the  school  of  Tattersall,  appeared  as  a  witness. 
He  was  confused  in  giving  his  evidence,  and  a  furious 
blustering  counsellor,  who  examined  him,  was  at  last 
tempted  to  exclaim.  Pray,  sir,  do  you  know  the  difference 
between  a  horse  and  a  cow?  I  acknowledge  my  ignor- 
ance, replied  the  clergyman :  I  hardly  know  the  differ- 
ence between  a  horse  and  a  cow,  or  a  bully  and  a  bull ; 
only  that  a  bull,  I  am  told,  has  horns,  and  a  bully,  bow- 
ing respectfully  to  the  counsellor,  luckily  for  me,  has 
none. 

708.  In  a  certain  company,  the  conversation  having 
fallen  on  the  subject  of  craniology,  and  the  organ  of 
drunkenness  being  alluded  to  among  others,  a  lady  sug- 
gested that  tbis  must  be  the  barrel-organ. 

709.  The  colonel  of  the  Perthshire  cavalry,  was  lately 
complaining,  that,  from  the  ignorance  and  inattention  of 
his  officers,  he  was  obliged  to  do  the  w^hole  duty  of  the 
regiment.  I  am,  said  he,  my  own  captain,  my  own  lieu- 
tenant, my  own  cornet.  And  trumpeter  also,  I  presume, 
said  a  certain  witty  duchess. 

710.  The  late  celebrated  Dr.  Brown  paid  his  addresses 
to  a  lady  for  many  years,  but  unsuccessfully;  during 
which  time  he  had  always  accustomed  himself  to  propose 
her  health,  Avhenever  he  w^as  called  upon  for  a  lady.  But 
being  observed  one  evening  to  omit  it,  a  gentleman  remind- 
ed him,  that  he  had  forgotten  to  toast  his  favourite  lady. 
Why,  indeed,  said  the  doctor,  I  find  it  all  in  vain  ;  I  have 
toasted  her  so  many  years  and  cannot  make  her  Brown, 
that  I  am  determined  to  toast  her  no  longer. 

711.  Mr.  Henry  Erskine,  celebrated  for  his  elegant 
repartee,  being  in  company  with  the  beautiful  Duchess 
of  Gordon,  asked  her.  Are  we  never  again  to  enjoy  the 
pleasure  of  your  grace's  society  in  Edinburgh  ?  Oh  ! 
said  she,  Edinburgh  is  a  vile  dull  place,  I  hate  it.    Madam, 


146  JOE   3IILLER  S    JESTS. 

replied  the  gallant  barrister,  tlie  sun  might  as  well  say, 
this  is  a  vile  dark  morning,  I  won't  rise  to-day. 

712.  Serjeant  Maynard,  an  eminent  counsellor,  waiting 
with  the  body  of  the  law  upon  the  Prince  o^  Orange  (a? 
terwards  King  William)  on  his  arrival  in  London,  the 
prince  took  notice  of  his  great  age,  the  Serjeant  then  be- 
ing near  ninety.  Sir,  said  he,  you  have  outlived  all  the 
men  of  the  law  of  your  younger  years.  I  should  have 
outlived  even  the  law  itself,  replied  the  Serjeant,  if  your 

'  highness  had  not  arrived. 

713.  When  Skelton  published  his  'Deism  Rerealed,' 
the  Bishop  of  London  asked  the  Bishop  of  Clogher  if  he 
knew  the  author  ?  Oh  yes,  he  has  been  a  curate  in  my 
diocese  near  these  twenty  years.  More  shame  for  your 
lordship  to  allow  a  man  of  his  merit  to  continue  so  long 
a  curate  in  your  diocese,  was  the  rejjly. 

714.  A  gentleman  had  a  cask  of  Armenian  wine,  from 
which  his  servant  stole  a  large  quantity.  When  the  mas- 
ter perceived  the  deficiency,  he  diligently  inspected  the 
top  of  the  cask,  but  could  find  no  traces  of  an  opening. 
Look  if  there  be  not  a  whole  in  the  bottom,  said  a  by- 
stander.    Blockhead,  he  replied,  do  you  not  see  that  the 

'    deficiency  is  at  the  top,  and  not  at  the  bottom  ? 

715.  Malherbe,  the  famous  reformer  of  French  poetry, 
and  of  the  French  language,  dined  one  day  at  the  table 
of  a  bishop,  who  was  to  preach  a  sermon  the  same  even- 
ing, but  who  was  more  hospitable  than  eloquent.  The 
dinner  was  good,  the  wines  delicious  ;  and  the  poet  hav- 
ing freely  partaken  of  both,  began  to  nod,  for  want  of 
enlivening  conversation.  When  the  hour  came  for  the 
bishop's  going  to  church,  he  shook  Malherbe  by  the  arm, 
and  said.  It  is  time  to  start,  Malherbe  : — you  know  I  am 
to  preach  this  evening.     Ah,  my  lord,  said  the  poet,  be 

.  so  good  as  to  excuse  me,  for  I  can  sleep  very  well  where 
I  am. 

716.  A  curate  of  great  learning  and  merit,  but  without 
any  prospect  of  preferment,  found  an  opportunity  of 
preaching  before  Bishop  Hough,  who  was  so  well  pleased 


JOE  miller's  jests.  147 

witli  his  discourse  and  manner  of  delivery,  that  after  serv- 
ice he  sent  his  compliments  to  him,  desiring  to  know  his 
name,  and  where  his  living  was.  My  duty  to  his  lord- 
ship, replied  the  clergyman,  and  tell  him  my  name  is 
Lewis ;  that'  living  I  have  none  ;  but  my  starving  is  in 
'^  Wales.  The  bishop  soon  after  presented  him  to  a  valua- 
ble benefice. 

111.  King  John  being  shewn  a  stately  monument 
erected  over  the  grave  of  a  nobleman  who  had  rebelled 
against  him,  and  being  advised  to  deface  it,  answered, 
No,  no,  I  wish  all  my  enemies  were  as  honourably 
buried. 

718.  One  day  James  the  Second,  in  the  middle  of  his 
courtiers,  made  use  of  this  assertion :  I  never  knew  a 
modest  man  make  his  way  at  court.  To  this  observation 
one  of  the  gentlemen  present  boldly  replied  :  And  please 
your  majesty,  whose  fault  is  that  ?  The  king  remained 
silent. 

719.  As  two  Irish  soldiers  were  passing  through  Chip- 
penham, one  of  them  observing  the  Borough  Arms  (which 

.'  have  somewhat  the  appearance  of  a  hatchment)  over  the 
Town-hall  door,  accosted  his  comrade  with — Arrah,  Pat, 
look  up,  what  is  that  sign  ?  Botheration,  cried  Pat,  'tis 
no  sign  at  all,  at  all,  'tis  only  a  sign  that  somebody's  dead 
that  lives  there. 

720.  The  Duke  of  Mantua  once  observed  to  the  cele- 
brated Perron,  that  the  court-jester  was  a  fellow  without 
either  wit  or  humour.  Your  grace  must  pardon  me,  said 
Perron  ;  I  think  he  has  a  great  deal  of  wit  to  live  by  a 
trade  that  he  does  not  understand. 

721.  The  facetious  Mr.  Bearcroft,  told  his  friend  Mr. 
Vansittart,  Your  name  is  such  a  long  one,  I  shall  drop 
the  sittart,  and  call  you  Yan,  for  the  future.  With  all 
my  heart,  said  he :  by  the  same  rule,  I  shall  drop  croft, 
and  call  you  Bear  ! 

722.  In  a  life  of  St.  Francis  Xavier,  written  by  an  Ital- 
ian monk,  it  is  said.  That  by  one  sermon  he  converted 
lOjOOO  persons  in  a  desert  island  ! 


148  JOE    MILLERS   JESTS. 

'723.  During  the  time  that  martial  law  Avas  in  force  in 
Ireland,  and  the  people  were  prohibited  from  having  fire- 
arms in  their  possession,  some  mischievous  varlets  gave 
information  that  Mr.  Scanlon,  a  respectable  apothecary 
of  Dublin,  had  three  mortars  in  his  house.  A  magistrate, 
with  a  party  of  dragoons  in  his  train,  surrounded  the 
house,  and  demanded,  in  the  king's  name,  that  the  mor- 
tars should  be  delivered  to  him.  Mr.  Scanlon  immedi- 
ately produced  them,  adding,  that  as  they  were  useless 
without  the  pestles,  those  also  were  at  his  majesty's 
service. 

724.  At  the  battle  of  Dettingen,  George  II.,  who 
commanded  in  person,  rode  on  a  very  unruly  horse,  whicli 
at  one  period  ran  away  with  him  to  a  very  considerable 
distance,  until  Ensign  Trapand,  afterwards  General, 
seized  the  bridle,  when  the  king  dismounted,  exclaiming, 
Now  that  I  am  on  my  legs,  I  am  sure  that  I  shall  not  run 
away.  At  the  same  battle,  the  Gens-d'armes,  the  flower 
of  the  French  army,  made  a  desperate  charge  on  the  Brit- 
ish line  opposed  to  them,  and  were  repulsed.  In  their 
retreat  they  were  attacked  by  the  Scotch  Greys,  and 
forced  into  the  river.  Some  years  after,  at  a  review  of 
the  above  regiment,  his  majesty,  after  applauding  their 
appearance,  turned  to  the  French  ambassador,  and  asked 
him  his  opinion  of  the  regiment,  adding,  in  his  exultant 
manner,  that  they  were  the  best  troops  in  the  world. 
The  ambassador  replied,  Has  your  majesty  ever  seen 
the  Gens-d'armes  ?  Ko,  rejoined  the  king,  but  my  Greys 
have. 

725.  A  cause  was  once  tried  in  one  of  the  western 
counties  which  originated  in  a  dispute  about  a  pair  of 
small-clothes.  Upon  this  occasion  the  judge  observed, 
That  it  was  the  first  time  he  had  ever  known  a  suit  made 
out  of  a  pair  of  breeches. 

12Q.  Some  soldiers  once  fell  upon  a  watchman  in  a 
small  town,  in  a  lonely  street,  and  took  away  his  money 
and  coat.  He  immediately  repaired  to  the  captain  of 
the  regiment,  to  complain  of  his  misfortune.  The  cap- 
tain asked  him  whether  he  had  on  the  waistcoat  he  then 


/ 


JOE   MILLER'S   JESTS.  149 

wore  when  he  was  robbed  by  the  soldiers.  Yes,  sir, 
replied  the  poor  fellow.  Then,  my  friend,  rejoined  the 
captain,  I  ara  can  assure  you  they  do  not  belong  to  my 
company ;  otherwise  they  ^YOuId  have  left  you  neither 
waistcoat  nor  shirt. 

727.  A  fashionable  countess,  asking  a  young  nobleman 
which  he  thouglit  the  prettiest  flowers,  roses  or  tulips  ? 
lie  replied  with  great  gallantry.  Your  ladyship's  two 
lips  before  all  the  roses  in  the  world. 

728.  A  gentleman,  who  did  not  live  very  happy  with 
his  wife,  on  the  maid  telling  him  that  she  was  going  to 
give  her  mistress  warning,  as  she  kept  scolding  her  from 
morning  till  night — Happy  girl !  said  the  master,  I  wish 
I  could  give  warning  too. 

729.  In  a  cause  respecting  a  will,  evidence  was  given 
to  prove  the  testatrix,  an  apothecary's  widow,  a  lunatic ; 
amongst  other  things,  it  was  deposed,  that  she  had 
swept  a  quantity  of  pots,  lotions,  potions,  &g.  into  the 
street  as  rubbish.  I  doubt,  said  the  learned  judge, 
Avliether  sweeping  of  physic  into  the  street,  be  any  proof 
of  insanity.  True,  my  lord,  replied  the  counsel,  but 
sweeping  the  pots  away,  certainly  was. 

730.  Dr.  South,  once  preaching  before  Charles  II. 
(who  was  not  very  often  in  a  church),  observing  that  the 
monarch  and  all  his  attendants  began  to  nod,  and,  as 
nobles  are  common  men  when  they  are  asleep,  some  of 
them  soon  after  snored,  on  which  he  broke  off  his  ser- 
mon, and  called  out.  Lord  Lauderdale,  let  me  entreat 
you  to  rouse  yourself;  you  snore  so  loud  that  you  will 
wake  the  king. 

731.  An  Irishman,  meeting  an  acquaintance,  thus  ac- 
costed him :  Ah,  my  dear,  who  do  you  think  I  have  just 
been  speaking  to  ?  your  old  friend  Patrick ;  faith,  and  he 
has  grown  so  thin,  I  hardly  knew  him ;  to  be  sure,  you 
are  thin,  and  I  am  thin,  but  he  is  thinner  than  both  of  us 
put  together. 

732.  An  Irishman  seeing  a  large  quantity  of  potatoes 
standing  in  a  market-place,  observed  to  a  by-stander, 


/ 


150 

what  a  fine  show  of  potatoes !  Yes,  they  are,  replied 
he,  very  fine  potatoes :  I  see  you  have  the  name  quite 
pat ;  how  do  you  call  them  in  your  country  ?  Ah,  faith ! 
returned  the  Irishman,  we  never  call  'em ;  when  we 
want  any,  we  go  and  dig  them. 

733.  During  the  recent  unpleasant  situation  of  affairs 
in  Ireland,  a  watch-word  was  required  of  every  pas- 
senger after  a  certain  hour,  with  liberty  for  the  senti- 
nel to  interrogate  at  will.  A  poor  harmless  Irishman, 
travelling  from  Kilmainy  to  Kilmore,  being  asked  con- 
cerning his  place  of  departure,  and  place  of  destination, 
answered,  to  the  astonishment  of  the  inquirer,  I  have 
been  to  kill-many,  and  am  going  to  kill-more.  That  you 
shall  not,  said  the  sentinel,  and  immepiately  ran  him 
through  with  his  bayonet. 

734.  A  blind  man,  who  goes  about  the  streets  of  Lon- 
don, whining  out  a  long  story  about  his  misfortunes,  has, 
amongst  other  prayers  for  the  charitable  and  human^ 
the  following  curious  wish: — May  you  never  see  the 
darkness  which  I  now  see  ! 

Y35.  Demonax,  hearing  one  declaim  miserably,  said, 
You  should  practice  more.  The  orator  answering,  I  am 
always  declaiming  to  myself — he  replied,  Xo  wonder 
you  do  not  improve,  having  so  foolish  an  audience. 

736.  A  Highlander,  who  sold  brooms,  went  into  a 
barber's  shop  in  Glasgow,  to  get  shaved.  The  barber 
bought  one  of  his  brooms,  and,  after  having  shaved  him, 
asked  the  price  of  it.  Tippence,  said  the  Highlander. 
No,  no,  said  the  shaver ;  I'll  give  you  a  penny,  and  if 
that  does  not  satisfy  you,  take  your  broom  again.  The 
Highlander  took  it,  and  asked  what  he  had  to  pay.  A 
penny,  said  Strap.  I'll  gie  ye  a  baubee,  said  Duncan, 
and  if  that  dinna  satisfy  ye,  pit  on  my  beard  again. 

737.  A  lady  asking  a  gentleman.  How  it  was  that 
most  medical  men  dressed  in  black  ?  he  replied.  The 
meaning  is  very  obvious,  as  they  are  chiefly  occupied  in 
preparing  grave  subjects. 

738.  When  the  British  ships  under  Lord  Xelson  were 


JOE  miller's  jests.  151 

bearins:  down  to  attack  the  combined  fleet  off  Trafalsfar, 


the  first  lieutenant  of  the  Revenge,  on  going  roimd  to 
see  that  all  hands  were  at  quarters,  observed  one  of  the 
men  devoutly  kneeling  at  the  side  of  his  gun.  So  very 
imusual  an  attitude  in  an  English  sailor,  exciting  his  sur- 
prise and  curiosity,  he  went  and  asked  the  man  if  he  was 
afraid.  Afraid !  answered  the  honest  tar,  no  !  I  was 
only  praying  that  the  enemy's  shot  may  be  distributed 
in  the  same  proportion  as  prize-money — the  greatest 
part  among  the  officers. 

73 9.  Indeed,-  indeed,  friend  Tom,  said  one  citizen  to 
another,  you  have  spoiled  the  look  of  your  nag  by  crop- 
ping his  ears  so  close :  what  could  be  your  reason  for  it  ? 
Why,  friend  Turtle,  I  will  tell  you — my  horse  had  a 
strange  knack  of  being  frightened,  and  on  very  trifling 
occasions  would  jDrick  up  his  ears  as  if  he  had  seen  the 
devil,  and  so,  to  cure  him,  I  cropped  him. 

740.  Macklin  and  Dr.  Johnson  disputing  on  a  literary 
subject,  Johnson  quoted  Greek.  I  do  not  understand 
Greek,  said  Macklin.  A  man  who  argues  should  under- 
stand every  language,  replied  Johnson.  Very  well,  said 
Macklin,  and  gave  him  a  quotation  from  the  Irish. 

741.  A  crooked  gentleman,  on  his  arrival  at  Bath,  was 
asked  by  another,  what  place  he  had  travelled  from  ?  I 
came  straight  from  London,  replied  he.  Did  you  so  ? 
said  the  other,  then  you  have  been  terribly  Avarped  by 
the  way. 

742.  A  countryman  on  a  trial  respecting  the  right  of  a 
fishery  at  a  late  Lancaster  assizes,  was  cross-examined 
by  Serjeant  Cockel,  who,  among  many  other  questions, 
asked  the  witness.  Dost  thou  love  fish  ?  Yes,  said  the 
poor  fellow,  with  a  look  of  native  simplicity,  but  I  dinna 
like  Cockle  sauce  with  it.  A  roar  of  laughter  of  course 
followed. 

743.  A  witness  in  a  court,  speaking  in  a  very  harsh 
and  loud  voice,  the  lawyer  employed  on  the  other  side 
exclaimed.  Fellow,  why  dost  thou  bark  so  furiously? 
Because,  replied  the  rustic,  I  think  I  sees  a  thief. 


152  JOE  miller's  jests. 

744.  When  Mr.  Canning  was  about  giving  up  Glouces- 
ter Lodge,  Brompton,  lie  said  to  his  gardener,  as  he 
took  a  farewell  look  of  the  grounds,  I  am  sorry,  Fraser, 
to  leave  this  old  place.  Psha,  sir,  said  George,  don't 
fret ;  when  you  had  this  old  place,  you  were  out  of  place; 
now  you  are  in  place,  you  can  get  both  yourself  and  me 
a  better  place.  The  hint  was  taken,  and  old  George 
provided  for. 

745.  An  Irish  Baronet,  walking  out  with  a  gentleman, 
was  met  by  his  nurse,  who  requested  charity.  The 
baronet  exclaimed  vehemently,  I  will  give  you  nothing : 
— you  played  me  a  scandalous  trick  in  my  infmcy.  The 
old  woman,  in  amazement,  asked  him  what  injury  she 
had  done  to  him  ?  He  answered,  I  was  a  fine  boy,  and 
you  changed  me ! 

746.  Sir  William  B.  being  at  a  parish  meeting,  made 
some  proposals  that  were  objected  to  by  a  farmer. 
Highly  enraged.  Sir,  said  he  to  the  flirmer,  do  you  know 
that  I  have  been  to  two  universities,  and  at  two  col- 
leges in  each  university?  Well,  sir,  said  the  farmer, 
what  of  that  ?  I  had  a  calf  that  sucked  two  cows,  and 
the  observation  I  made  was,  the  more  he  sucked  the 
greater  calf  he  grew. 

747.  Sir  W.  Curtis  was  once  present  at  a  public  din- 
ner where  the  Dukes  of  York  and  Clarence  formed  part 
of  the  companv.  The  president  gave  as  a  toast.  The 
"  Adelphi  "  (the  Greek  word  for  The  Brothers).  When 
it  came  to  the  worthy  baronet's  turn  to  give  a  toast,  he 
said,  Mr.  President,  as  you  seem  inclined  to  give  public 
buildings,  I  beg  leave  to  propose  Somerset  House. 

748.  One  of  his  Majesty's  frigates  being  at  anchor  on 
a  winter's  night,  in  a  tremendous  gale  of  wind,  the 
ground  broke,  and  she  began  to  drive.  The  lieutenant 
of  the  watch  ran  down  to  the  captain,  awoke  him  from 
his  sleep,  and  told  him  the  anchor  had  come  home. 
Well,  said  the  captain,  rubbing  his  eyes,  I  think  the 
anchor  is  perfectly  right  j  who  w^ould  stay  out  such  a 
night  as  this  ? 


153 

749.  The  Duke  de  Roquelaure  meeting  a  very  ugly 
country  gentleman  at  court,  who  had  a  suit  to  offer,  pre- 
sented it  to  the  king,  and  urged  liis  request,  saying,  he 
was  under  the  greatest  obligations  to  the  suitor.  The 
king  asked  what  were  these  great  obligations  ?  Ah ! 
Sire,  were  it  not  for  him  I  should  be  the  ugliest  man  in 
your  majesty's  dominions  ! 

750.  Archbishop  Laud  was  a  man  of  very  short  stature. 
Charles  the  First  and  the  archbishop  Avere  one  day 
seated  at  dinner,  when  it  was  agreed  that  Archy,  the 
king's  jester,  should  say  grace  for  them,  which  he  did  in 
this  fashion  :  Great  praise  be  given  to  God,  but  little 
Laud  to  the  devil.  For  this  sally  Laud  was  weak 
enough  to  insist  upon  Archy's  dismissal. 

751.  Lord  Chancellor  Hardwicke  was  very  fond  of 
entertaining  his  visitors  with  the  following  story  of  his 
bailiff,  Avho,  having  been  ordered  by  his  lady  to  procure 
a  sow  of  a  particular  description,  came  one  day  into  the 
dining-room,  when  full,  of  company,  proclaiming  with  a 
burst  of  joy  he  could  not  suppress,  I  have  been  at 
Royston  fair,  my  lady,  and  I  have  got  a  sow  exactly  of 
your  ladyship's  size. 

752.  An  officer  in  Admiral  Lord  St.  Vincent's  fleet, 
asking  one  of  the  captains,  who  was  gallantly  bearing 
down  upon  the  Spanish  fleet,  whether  he  had  reckoned 
the  number  of  the  enemy  ?  No,  replied  the  captain,  it 
will  be  time  enough  to  do  that  when  they  strike. 

753. 'Sir  Charles  F received  a  severe  injury  one 

day  in  stepping  into  his  cabriolet.     Whereabouts  were 

you  hurt.  Sir  Charles  ?  said  Sir  Peter  L ;  was  it  near 

the  vertebrae  ?     No,  no,  answered  the  baronet,  it  was 
near  the  Monument. 

754.  Fletcher,  of  Saltoun,  is  well  known  to  have  pos- 
sessed a  most  irritable  temper.  His  footman  desiring  to 
be  dismissed.  Why  do  you  leave  me  ?  said  he.  Because, 
to  speak  the  truth,  I  cannot  bear  your  temper.  To  be 
sure,  I  am  passionate,  but  my  passion  is  no  sooner  on 
than  it  is  off.  Yes,  replied  the  servant,  but  it  is  no 
sooner  off  than  it  is  on. 


154  JOE  miller's  jests. 

755.  King  James  I.  moimting  a  horse  that  was  unruly, 
cried,  The  de'el  tak'  your  saul,  sirrah,  an  ye  be  na  quiet, 
I'll  send  ye  to  the  five  hundred  kings  in  the  House  o' 
Commons  :  they'll  sune  tame  ye. 

756.  You  are  a  Jew,  said  one  man  to  another ;  when 
I  bought  this  pig  of  you  it  was  to  be  a  guinea,  and  now 
you  demand  tive-and-twenty  shillings,  which  is  more 
than  you  asked.  For  that  very  reason,  replied  the  other, 
I  am  no  Jew,  for  a  Jew  always  takes  less  than  he  asks. 

757.  The  celebrated  Hogarth  was  one  of  the  most 
absent  of  men.  Soon  after  he  set  up  his  carriage,  he  had 
occasion  to  pay  a  visit  to  the  lord  mayor.  When  he 
Avent  the  weather  was  fine;  but  he  was  detained  by 
business  till  a  violent  shower  of  rain  came  on.  Being 
let  out  of  the  mansion-house  by  a  different  door  from 
that  at  which  he  had  entered,  he  immediately  began  to 
call  for  a  hackney-coach.  Not  one  could  be  procured  ; 
on  which  Hogarth  sallied  forth  to  brave  the  storm,  and 
actually  reached  his  house  in  Leicester  Fields  without 
bestowing  a  thought  on  his  own  carriage,  till  ^Irs. 
Hogarth,  astonished  to  see  him  so  wet  and  hurried,  asked 
him  where  he  had  left  it. 

758.  At  a  city  feast  one  of  the  company  was  expa- 
tiating on  the  blessings  of  Providence.  Ay,  said  the 
late  Sir  William  Curtis,  smacking  his  lips,  it  is  a  blessed 
place,  sure  enough  ;  we  get  all  our  turtle  from  it. 

759.  When  Cortez  returned  to  Spain,  he  was  coolly 
received  by  the  emperor,  Charles  the  Fifth.  One  day 
he  suddenly  presented  himself  to  that  monarch.  Who 
are  .you  ?  said  the  emperor,  haughtily.  The  man,  said 
Cortez,  as  haughtily,  who  has  given  you  more  provinces 
than  your  ancestors  left  you  cities. 

760.  Bautru,  a  celebrated  French  wit,  being  in  Spain, 
went  to  visit  the  famous  library  of  the  Escurial,  Avhere 
lie  found  a  very  ignorant  librarian.  The  king  of  Spain 
interrogated  him  respecting  the  library.  'Tis  an  admi- 
rable one,  indeed,  said  he  ;  but  your  majesty  should  give 
the  man  who  has  the  care  of  it,  the  administration  of 


/ 


/ 


JOE  miller's  jests.  155 

your  finances.  Wherefore  ?  asked  the  king.  Because, 
replied  Bautru,  the  man  never  touches  the  treasure  that 
is  confided  to  him. 

761.  Mademoiselle,  said  Louis  XV.  to  a  young  lady 
belonging  to  liis  court,  I  am  assured  that  you  are  very 
learned,  and  understand  four  or  five  continental  tongues. 
I  speak  only  two,  sire,  answered  she,  trembling.  Which 
are  they  ?  German  and  Italian.  ])o  you  speak  them 
fluently  ?  Yes,  sire,  very  fluently.  Well,  two  are  quite 
enough  to  drive  a  husband  mad. 

762.  At  a  grand  review  by  George  III.  of  the  Ports- 
mouth fleet  in  1789,  there  was  a  boy  who  mounted  the 
shrouds  with  so  much  agility  as  to  surprise  every  specta- 
tor. The  king  particularly  noticed  it,  and  said  to  Lord 
Lothian  (an  exceeding  large  man),  Lothian,  I  have 
heard  much  of  your  agility,  let  us  see  you  run  up  after 
that  boy.  Sire,  replied  Lord  Lothian,  it  is  my  duty  to 
follow  your  majesty. 

763.  A  gentleman  crossing  a  very  narrow  bridge, 
which  was  not  railed  on  either  side  to  secure  passengers 
from  filling,  said  to  a  countryman  whom  he  met,  Me- 
thinks  this  narrow  causeway  must  be  very  dangerous, 
honest  friend  !  pray  are  not  people  lost  here  sometimes  ? 
Lost !  no,  sir,  replied  the  man,  I  never  knew  anybody 
lost  here  in  my  life  ;  there  have  been  several  drowned, 
but  they  were  always  found  again. 

764.  The  Earl  of  P kept  a  number  of  swine  at 

his  seat  in  Wiltshire,  and  crossing  the  yard  one  day  he 
was  surprised  to  see  the  pigs  gathered  round  one  trough, 
and  making  a  great  noise.  Curiosity  prompted  him  to 
see  what  was  the  cause,  and  on  looking  into  the  trough 
he  perceived  a  large  silver  spoon.  Just  at  this  crisis  a 
servant  maid  came  out,  and  began  to  abuse  the  pigs  for 
crying  so.  Well  they  may,  said  his  lordship,  when  they 
have  got  but  one  silver  spoon  among  them  all. 

785.  Pierre  Zapata,  court  jester  to  Charles  V.,  being 
one  day  made  a  butt  of  by  his  master,  that  prince, 
expecting  some  joke  in  return,  said  to  his  courtiers,  I 


y 


156  .TOE    AiiLLKR  S    JESTS. 

shall  be  soon  paid  for  this.  To  which  the  jester  replied, 
Not  so  soon  as  you  imagine,  sire ;  I  am  not  prompt  in 
paying  those  who  are  so  tardy  in  paying  others  !  This 
repartee  was  found  the  more  lively,  owing  to  Zapata  and 
the  officers  of  the  court  not  having  for  a  long  time  re- 
ceived their  pensions. 

^^^.  David  Hartley,  member  for  Hull,  during  the 
coalition  administration,  was  remarkable  for  the  length 
and  dulness.of  his  speeches.  On  one  occasion,  having 
reduced  the  house  from  three  hundred  to  about  eighty 
sleepy  hearers,  by  one  of  his  harangues,  just  at  the  time  it 
was  supposed  he  would  conclude,  he  moved  that  the  Riot 
Act  should  be  read,  in  order  to  prove  one  of  his  previous 
assertions.  Burke,  who  had  been  bursting  with  impa- 
tience for  full  an  hour  and  a  half,  and  who  was  anxious 
to  speak  to  the  question,  finding  himself  about  to  be  so 
disappointed,  rose,  exclaiming,  The  Riot  Act,  my  dear 
friend  !  the  Riot  Act !  to  what  purpose  ?  Don't  you  see 
that  the  mob  is  already  completely  dispersed  ?  Every 
person  present  was  convulsed  Avith  laughter,  except 
Hartley,  who  never  changed  countenance,  and  who  still 
insisted  that  the  Riot  Act  should  be  read  by  the  clerk. 

767.  When  Lord  Townshend  was  lord  lieutenant  of 
Ireland,  the  then  provost  of  Dublin  lost  no  opportunity 
of  repeating  his  solicitations  for  places.  My  dear  Hely, 
said  his  lordship,  you  have  a  great  many  things,  and  I 
have  nothing  to  give  but  a  majority  in  the  dragoons.  I 
accept  it  then,  replied  the  provost.  What !  you  take  a 
majority  !  answered  his  lordship,  zounds,  it  is  impossible  ; 
I  only  meant  it  as  a  joke.  And  I  accept  it,,  replied  the 
provost,  merely  to  show  you  how  well  I  can  take  a  joke. 

V68.  A  lunatic  in  Bedlam  was  asked  how  he  came 
there  ?  he  answered.  By  a  dispute.  What  dispute  ? 
The  bedlamite  replied.  The  world  said  I  was  mad  ;  I 
said  the  world  was  mad  ;  and  they  outvoted  me. 

'769.  When  Sir  Elijah  Impey,  the  Indian  judge,  was  on 
his  passage  home,  as  he  was  one  day  walking  the  deck, 
it  having  blown  pretty  hard  the  preceding  day,  a  shark 
was  playing  by  the  side  of  the  ship.     Having  never  seen 


/ 


JOE   JIILLER'S    JESTS.  157 

siicli  an  object  before,  he  called  to  one  of  the  sailors  to 
tell  him  what  it  was.  Why,  replied  the  tar,  I  don't 
know  w^hat  name  they  know  them  by  ashore,  but  here 
we  call  them  sea-lawyers. 

770.  A  gentleman  observed  one  day  to  Mr.  Henry  Er- 
skine,  wiio  was  a  great  punster,  that  punning  is  the 
lowest  sort  of  wdt.  It  is  so,  answered  he,  and  therefore 
tlie  foundation  of  all. 

771.  A  lady,  who  made  pretensions  to  the  most  re- 
fined feelings,  went  to  her  butcher  to  remonstrate  with 
])im  on  his  cruel  practices.  How,  said  she,  can  you  be 
so  barbarous  as  to  put  innocent  little  lambs  to  death  ? 
Why  not,  madam,  said  the  butcher  ;  you  would  not  eat 
them  alive,  Avould  you  ? 

772.  When  Rochelle  was  besieged  by  the  royalist 
armies  in  1627,  the  inhabitants  elected  for  their  mayor, 
captain,  and  governor,  Jean  Guiton.  This  brave  man 
at  first  modestly  refused  the  ofiice  ;  but  being  pressed  by 
all  his  fellow-townsmen,  he  took  up  a  poignard  and  said, 
I  will  be  mayor,  since  you  wish  it,  but  on  the  condition 
that  I  may  be  permitted  to  strike  this  poignard  to  the 
heart  of  the  first  Avho  speaks  of  surrendering.  I  consent 
that  you  shall  do  the  same  to  me,  if  I  mention  capitulat- 
ing ;  and  I  demand  that  this  poignard  lie  always  ready 
on  the  table,  when  w^e  assemble  in  the  Town  House. 
Cardinal  de  Richelieu,  who  conducted  the  operations  of 
the  siege,  had  raised  a  mole  before  the  gate  of  the  city, 
which  shut  up  the  entrance,  and  prevented  provisions 
from  reaching  it.  Some  one  saying  to  Guiton  that  many 
of  the  people  had  perished  of  hunger,  and  that  death 
would  soon  sweep  away  all  the  inhabitants — Well,  said 
he  coolly,  it  will  be  sufficient  if  one  remains  to  shut  the 
gates. 

773.  Among  the  addresses  presented  upon  the  acces- 
sion of  James  the  First,  w^as  one  from  the  ancient  town 
of  Shrewsbury,  w^ishing  his  majesty  might  reign  as  long 
as  the  sun,  moon,  and  stars  endured.  Faith,  mon,  said 
the  king  to  the  person  who  presented  it,  if  I  do,  my  son 
must  reign  by  candlelight. 


158  JOE  miller's  jests. 

774.  A  Frenchman  meeting  an  English  soldier  with  a 
Waterloo  medal,  began  sneeringly  to  animadvert  on  our 
government  for  bestowing  such  a  trifle,  which  did  not 
cost  them  three  francs.  That  is  true,  to  be  sure,  replied 
the  hero,  it  did  not  cost  the  English  government  three 
francs,  but  it  cost  the  French  a  Napoleon. 

775.  Collins  the  poet,  though  of  a  melancholy  cast  of 
mind,  was  by  no  means  averse  to  a  jeii  de  mot^  or  quib- 
ble. Upon  .coming  into  a  town  the  day  after  a  young 
lady,  of  whom  he  was  fond,  had  left  it,  he  said.  How  un- 
lucky it  was  that  he  had  come  a  day  after  the  fair. 

776.  A  negro  in  Jamaica  was  tried  for  theft,  and  or- 
dered to  be  flogged.  He  begged  to  be  heard,  which 
being  granted,  he  asked.  If  wliite  man  buy  stolen  goods, 
why  he  be  no  flogged  too  ?  Well,  said  the  judge,  so  he 
would.  Dere  den,  replied  Mungo,  is  my  massa  ;  he  buy 
tolen  goods — he  knew  me  tolen,  and  yet  he  buy  me. 

777.  Some  sailors,  who  had  made  a  great  deal  of  prize- 
money,  once  determined  on  purchasing  a  horse  for  the 
use  of  the  mess ;  accordingly,  one  of  them  was  pitched 
upon  to  buy  the  horse.  As  soon  as  this  honest  tar  got  on 
shore,  he  went  to  a  noted  horse-dealer,  who  brought  out 
a  very  clever-looking  horse  for  the  sailor's  inspection, 
which  he  particularly  recommended  to  him,  as  being  a 
nice,  short-backed  horse.  Ay,  that  maybe,  said  the  sail- 
or, and  that  is  the  very  reason  he  won't  do,  for  there  is 
seven  of  us. 

778.  The  late  Dr.  Glover,  well  known  for  being  one  of 
the  best  companions  in  the  world,  was  returning  from  a 
tavern  one  morning  early,  across  Covent  Garden,  when  a 
chairman  cried  out,  A  chair!  your  honour,  a  chair!  Glov- 
er took  no  notice,  but  called  his  dog,  who  was  a  good 
way  behind.  Scrub,  Scrub,  Scrub  !  Och,  indeed !  says 
the  chairman,  there  goes  a  pair  o'  ye !  The  facetious 
doctor  gave  his  countryman  half-a-crown  for  the  merry 
witticism. 

779.  A  nabob,  in  a  severe  fit  of  the  gout,  told  his  phy- 
sician that  he  suffered  the  pains  of  the  damned.  The  doc- 
tor coolly  answered,  What,  already ! 


JOE  miller's  jests.  159 

'^80.  A  surgeon  aboard  a  ship  of  war  used  to  prescribe 
salt  water  for  his  patients  in  all  disorders.  Having  sail- 
ed one  evening,  on  a  party  of  pleasure,  he  happened,  by 
some  mischance,  to  be  drowned.  The  captain,  who  had 
not  heard  of  the  disaster,  asked  one  of  the  tars  next  day 
if  he  had  heard  anything  of  the  doctor.  Yes,  answered 
Jack,  after  a  turn  of  his  quid,  he  was  drowned  last  night 
in  his  medicine  chest. 

781.  The  celebrated  Daniel  Burgess,  dining  with  a 
gentleman  of  his  congregation,  a  large  Chesliire  cheese, 
uncut,  was  brought  to  table.  Where  shall  I  cut  it  ?  ask- 
ed Daniel.  Anywhere  you  please,  Mr.  Burgess,  answer- 
ed the  gentleman.  Upon  wdiich  Daniel  handed  it  to  the 
ser\'ant,  desiring  him  to  carry  it  to  his  house,  and  he 
would  cut  it  at  home. 

'782.  How^  does  your  new  purchased  horse  answ^er  ? 
said  the  late  Duke  of  Cumberland  to  George  Selwyn.  I 
really  don't  know,  replied  George,  for  I  never  asked  him 
a  question. 

783.  A  young  felloAv  once  came  dancing,  whistling, 
and  singing  into  a  room  wdiere  old  CoUey  Gibber  sat 
coughing  and  spitting  ;  and,  cutting  a  caper,  triumphantly 
exclaimed,  There,  you  old  put,  what  would  you  give  to 
be  as  young  as  I  am  ?  Why,  young  man,  replied  he,  I 
would  agree  to  be  almost  as  foolish. 

784.  A  recruiting  serjeant  addressing  an  honest  coun- 
try bumpkin  in  one  of  the  streets  in  Manchester,  with 
Come  my  lad,  thou'lt  fight  for  thy  king,  w^on't  thou  ? 
Voight  for  my  king,  answered  Hodge,  why,  has  he  fawn 
out  wd'  ony  body  ? 

785.  After  a  battle  lately  between  tw^o  celebrated  pu- 
gilists, an  Irishman  made  his  way  to  the  chaise,  w^here 
the  one  Avho  had  lost  the  battle  had  been  conveyed,  and 
said  to  him.  How  are  you,  my  good  fellow  ?  can  you  see 
at  all  with  the  eye  that's  knocked  out  ? 

786.  Two  dinner-hunters  meeting  at  Pall  Mall  a  short 
time  back,  one  inquired  of  the  other  how  he  had  been  for 
some  days  ?     He  replied,  In  a  very  poor  way  indeed.     I 


160 

liave  not  been  able  to  eat  anything  at  all.  God  bless  me  ! 
said  his  hungry  friend,  that  is  extremely  strange,  you 
generally  have  a  very  good  appetite,  you  must  have  been 
seriously  ill.  Oh !  not  at  all,  believe  me,  you  misconceive 
my  meaning ;  I  could  have  eaten,  but  the  reason  why  I 
have  not  been  able  to  do  so  is,  that  no  one  has  invited 
me  to  dinner. 

787.  Mr.  Curran  was  once  asked,  what  an  Irish  gentle- 
man, just  arrived  in  England,  could  mean  by  perpetually 
putting  out  his  tongue  ?  I  suppose,  replied  the  wit,  he's 
trying  to  catch  the  English  accent. 

788.  Have  you  anything  else  old  ?  said  an  English  lady 
at  Rome,  to  a  boy  of  whom  she  had  bought  some  modern 
antiques ;  Yes,  said  the  young  urchin,  tlirusting  forward 
his  hat,  which  had  seen  some  dozen  summers,  my  hat  is 
very  old.     The  lady  rewarded  his  wit. 

789.  The  late  celebrated  penurious  H.  Jennings,  esq., 
who  was  reputed  to  be  the  richest  commoner  in  England, 
when  at  the  age  of  92,  was  applied  to  by  one  of  his  ten- 
ants, then  in  the  80th  year  of  his  age,  to  renew  his  lease 
for  a  further  term  of  14  years,  when,  after  some  general 
observations,  Mr.  Jennings  coolly  said.  Take  a  lease  for 
21  years,  or  you  will  be  troubling  me  again  ! 

790.  Sancho,  said  a  dying  planter  to  his  slave,  for  your 
faithful  services,  I  mean  now  to  do  you  an  honour ;  and 
leave  it  in  my  will,  that  you  shall  be  buried  in  our  fxmily 
ground.  Ah,  massa  !  replied  Sancho,  Sancho  no  good  to 
be  buried  ;  Sancho  rather  have  de  money  or  de  freedom ; 
besides,  if  de  devil  should  come  in  de  dark  to  look  for 
massa,  he  might  mistake,  and  take  de  poor  negar  man. 

791.  Two  gentlemen,  the  other  day,  conversing  to- 
gether, one  asked  the  other,  if  ever  he  had  gone  through 
Euclid.  The  reply  was,  I  have  never  been  farther  from 
Liverpool  than  Kuncon,  and  I  don't  recollect  any  place 
of  that  name. 

792.  Lady  Rachel  is  put  to  bed,  said  Sir  Boyle  to  a 
friend.  What  has  she  got  ?  Guess.  A  boy  ?  No  j  guess 
again.     A  girl  ?     Who  told  you  ? 


JOE  miller's  jests.  161 

793.  The  wife  of  a  Scotch  laird  being  suddenly  taken 
very  ill,  the  husband  ordered  the  servant  to  get  a  horse 
ready  to  go  to  the  next  town  to  the  doctor  ;  by  the  time, 
however,  the  horse  was  ready,  and  his  letter  to  the  doc- 
tor written,  the  lady  recovered,  on  which  he  added  the 

,    following  postcript,  and  sent  off  the  messenger :  My  wife 

"^  being  recovered,  you  need  not  come. 

'794.  In  a  company,  consisting  of  naval  officers,  the  dis- 
course happened  to  turn  on  the  ferocity  of  small  animals  ; 
when  an  Irish  gentleman  present  stated  his  opinion  to  be, 
that  a  Kilkenny  cat,  of  all  animals,  was  the  most  fero- 
cious ;  and  added,  I  can  prove  my  assertion  by  a  fact 
within  my  own  knowledge  :  I  once,  said  he,  saw  two  of 
these  animals  fighting  in  a  timber  yard,  and  willing  to 
see  the  result  of  a  long  battle,  I  drove  them  into  a  deep 
saw-pit,  and  placing  some  boards  over  the  mouth,  left 
them  to  their  amusement.  Noxt  morning  I  went  to  see 
the  conclusion  of  the  fight,  and  what  d'ye  think  I  saw  ? 
One  of  the  cats  dead  probably,  replied  one  of  the  com- 
pany. No,  by  St.  Patrick,  there  was  nothing  left  in  the 
pit  but  the  two  tails,  and  a  bit  of  flue. 

795.  Dr.  Wall,  at  a  public  dinner,  was  playing  with  a 
cork  upon  the  table.  What  a  dirty  hand  Dr.  W.  has, 
said  Mr.  E.  I  will  bet  you  a  bottle  there  is  a  dirtier  in 
company,  said  the  doctor,  who  had  overheard.  Done. 
Upon  which  he  produced  his  other  hand,  and  won  the 
wager. 

796.  Dr.  Ratclifie  being  in  a  tavern  one  evening,  a 
gentleman  entered  in  great  haste,  almost  speechless  : 
Doctor,  my  wife  is  at  the  point  of  death,  make  haste, 
come  with  me.  Not  till  I  have  finished  my  bottle,  how- 
ever, replied  the  doctor.  The  man,  who  happened  to  be 
a  fine  athletic  fellow,  finding  entreaty  useless,  snatched 
up  the  doctor,  hoisted  liim  on  his  back,  and  carried  him 
out  of  the  tavern  ;  the  moment  he  set  the  doctor  upon 
his  legs,  he  received  from  him,  in  a  very  emphatic  man- 
ner, the  following  threat :  Now,  you  rascal,  I'll  cure  your 
wife  in  spite  of  you. 

V97.  A  little  girl,  Avho  knew  very  well  the  painful  anx- 


162  JOE  miller's  jests. 

iety  wbicli  her  mother  had  long  sufFered,  during  a  tedi- 
ous course  of  litigation,  liearing  that  she  had  at  last  lost 
her  law-suit,  innocently  cried  out,  O,  my  dear  mama  I 
hoAv  glad  I  am  that  you  have  lost  that  nasty  law-suit, 
which  used  to  give  you  so  much  trouble  and  uneasiness. 

798.  A  gentleman,  who  possessed  a  small  estate  in 
Gloucestershire,  was  allured  to  town  by  the  promises  of 
a  courtier,  who  kept  him  in  constant  attendance  for  a 
long  while  to  no  purpose ;  at  last  the  gentleman,  quite 
tired  out,  called  upon  his  pretended  friend,  and  told  him 
that  he  had  at  last  got  a  place.  The  courtier  shook  him 
very  heartily  by  the  hand,  and  said  he  Avas  very  much  re- 
joiced at  the  event :  But  pray,  sir,  said  he,  where  is  your 
place  ?  In  the  Gloucester  coach,  replied  the  other  ;  I  se- 
cured it  last  night ;  and  so  good-bye  to  you. 

799.  Mr.  Rogers  w\as  requested  by  Lady  Holland  to 
ask  Sir  Philip  Francis,  Avhether  he  was  the  author  of 
Junius.  The  poet  approached  the  knight.  Will  your 
kindness,  Sir  Philip,  excuse  my  addressing  to  you  a  single 
question  ?  At  your  peril,  sir  !  was  the  harsh  and  the  la- 
conic answer.  The  bard  returned  to  his  friends,  who 
eagerly  asked  him  the  result  of  his  application.  I  don't 
know,  he  answered,  whether  he  is  Junius  :  but,  if  he  be, 
he  is  certainly  Junius  Brutus. 

800.  A  girl  forced  by  her  parents  into  a  disagreeable 
match  with  an  old  man,  whom  she  detested,  when  the 
clergyman  came  to  that  part  of  the  service  where  the 
bride  is  asked  if  she  consents  to  take  the  bridegroom  for 
her  husband,  said,  with  great  simplicity.  Oh  dear,  no, 
sir ;  but  you  are  the  first  j^erson  who  has  asked  my  opin- 
ion upon  the  afiair. 

801.  It  is  well  known  that  the  veterans  who  preside  at 
the  examinations  of  surgeons,  question  minutely  those 
who  wish  to  become  qualified.  After  answering  very 
satisfiictorily  to  the  numerous  inquiries  made,  a  young 
gentleman  was  asked,  if  he  wished  to  give  his  patient  a 
profuse  perspiration,  what  he  would  prescribe.  He  men- 
tioned many  diaphoretic  medicines  in  case  the  first  failed, 
but  the  unmerciful  questioner  thus  continued,  Pray,  sir, 


JOE  miller's  jests.  163 

suppose  none  of  those  succeeded,  wliat  step  would  you 
take  next  ?  Why,  sir,  enjomed  tlie  harassed  young  Es- 
cuhipius,  I  would  send  him  here  to  be  examined ;  and 
if  that  did  not  give  him  a  SAveat,  I  do  not  know  what 
would. 

802.  There  is  a  celebrated  reply  of  Mr.  Curran  to  a 
remark  of  Lord  Clare,  who  exclaimed  at  one  of  his  legal 
positions,  O  !  if  that  be  law,  Mr.  Curran,  I  may  burn  my 
law  books !  Better  read  them,  my  lord,  was  the  sarcas- 
tic and  appropriate  rejoinder. 

803.  Rock,  the  comedian,  when  at  Covent  Garden,  ad- 
vised one  of  the  scene-shifters,  who  had  met  with  an  ac- 
cident, to  the  plan  of  a  subscription  ;  and  a  few  days 
afterwards  he  asked  for  the  list  of  names,  which,  when  he 
read  it  over,  he  returned.  Why,  Rock,  said  the  poor 
fellow,  won't  you  give  me  something  ?  Zounds,  maii^ 
replied  the  other,  didn't  I  give  you  the  hint. 

804.  When  Mr.  Hankey  was  in  vogue  as  a  great 
banker,  a  sailor  had  as  part  of  his  pay,  a  draft  on  him 
for  fifty  pounds.  This  the  sailor  thought  an  immense 
sum,  and  calling  at  the  house,  insisted  upon  seeing  the 
master  in  private.  This  Avas  at  length  acceded  to  ;  and 
when  the  banker  and  the  sailor  met  together,  the  follow- 
ing conversation  ensued.  Sailor :  Mr.  Hankey,  I've  got 
a  tickler  for  you — didn't  like  to  expose  you  before  the 
lads. — Hankey  :  That  was  kind.  Pray,  what's  this 
tickler? — Sailor:  Never  mind,  don't  be  afraid,  I  won't 
hurt  you  ;  'tis  a  fifty. — Hankey  :  Ah  !  that's  a  tickler,  in- 
deed.— Sailor  :  TTbn't  fret ;  give  me  five  pounds  now,  and 
the  rest  at  so  much  a  week,  I  shan't  mention  it  to  any- 
body. 

805.  A  conceited  coxcomb  once  said  to  a  barber's  boy. 
Did  you  ever  shave  a  monkey  ?  Why  no,  sir,  replied  the 
boy,  never ;  but  if  you  will  please  to  sit  down,  I  will  try. 

806.  An  Irishman,  a  short  time  since,  bid  an  extraordi- 
nary price  for  an  alarum  clock,  and  gave  as  a  reason. 
That,  as  he  loved  to  rise  early,  he  had  nothing  to  do  but 
to  pull  the  string,  and  he  could  wake  himself. 


164  JOE    ]SriLLER's    JESTS. 

807.  A  certain  noble  lord  being  in  his  early  years 
much  addicted  to  dissipation,  his  mother  advised  him  to 
take  example  by  a  gentleman,  whose  food  was  herbs,  and 
his  drink  water.  What!  madam,  said  he,  would  you 
have  me  to  imitate  a  man  who  eats  like  a  beast  and  drinks 
like  a  fish  ? 

808.  The  town  of  Chartres  was  besieged  by  Henry 
lY.,  and  at  last  capitulated.  The  magistrate  of  the 
town,  on  giving  up  his  keys,  addressed  his  majesty  : — 
Tins  town  belongs  to  your  highness  by  divine  law,  and 
by  human  law.     And  by  cannon  law,  too,  added  Henry. 

809.  The  Marquis  St.  Andre  applied  to  Louvois,  the 
war-minister  of  Louis  XIV.,  for  a  small  place  then 
Tacant.  Louvois  having  received  some  complaints 
against  the  marquis,  refused  to  comply.  The  nobleman, 
somewhat  nettled,  rather  hastily  said,  If  I  were  to  enter 
again  into  the  service,  I  know  what  I  Avould  do.  And 
pray  what  would  you  do  ?  inquired  the  minister  in  a 
furious  tone.  St.  Andre  recollected  himself,  and  liad  the 
presence  of  mind  to  say,  I  would  take  care  to  behave  in 
such  a  manner,  that  your  excellency  should  have  nothing 
to  reproach  me  with.  Louvois,  agreeably  surprised  at 
this  reply,  immediately  granted  his  request. 

810.  An  Irish  soldier,  w^ho  came  over  with  General 
Moore,  being  asked  if  he  met  with  much  hospitality  in 
Holland  ?  O  yes,  replied  he,  too  much :  I  was  in  the 
hospital  almost  all  the  time  I  was  there. 

811.  Henry  IV.  having  bestowed  ihe^cordon  hleu  on  a 
nobleman,  at  the  solicitation  of  the  Duke  de  Nevers, 
when  the  collar  was  put  on,  the  nobleman  made  the  cus- 
tomary speech.  Sire,  I  am  not  Avorthy.  I  know  it  well, 
said  the  king,  but  I  give  you  the  order  to  jilease  my 
cousin  De  Nevers. 

812.  Dr.  A.,  physician  at  Newcastle,  being  summon- 
ed to  a  vestry,  in  order  to  reprimand  the  sexton  for 
drunkenness,  he  dwelt  so  long  on  the  sexton's  misconduct, 
as  to  raise  his  choler  so  as  to  draw  from  him  this  expres- 
sion : — Sir,  I  was  in  hopes  you  would  have  treated  my 


JOE  miller's  jests.  165 

failings  with  more  gentleness,  or  that  you  would  have 
been  the  last  man  alive  to  appear  against  me,  as  I  have 
covered  so  many  blunders  of  yours  ! 

813.  When  I  have  a  cold  in  my  head,  said  a  gentleman 
in  company,  I  am  always  remarkably  dull  and  stupid. 
You  are  much  to  be  pitied,  then,  sir,  replied  another,  for 
I  don't  remember  ever  to  have  seen  you  without. 

814.  A  prisoner,  at  the  bar  of  the  Mayor's  Court, 
being  called  on  to  plead  to  an  indictment  for  larceny, 
was  told  by  the  clerk  to  hold  up  his  right  hand.  The 
man  immediately  held  up  his  left  hand.  Hold  up  your 
right  hand,  said  the  clerk.  Please  your  honour,  said  the 
culprit,  still  keeping  up  his  left  hand,  I  am  left-handed. 

815.  In  a  large  party,  one  evening,,  the  conversation 
turned  upon  young  men's  allowance  at  College.  Tom 
Sheridan  lamented  the  ill-judging  parsimony  of  many 
parents,  in  that  respect.  I  am  sure,  Tom,  said  his  father, 
you  need  not  complain  ;  I  always  allowed  you  eight 
hundred  a  year.  Yes,  father,  I  must  confess  you  allowed 
it ;  but  then  it  was  never  paid. 

816.  AYhen  Dr.  Parr's  preface  to  Bellendenus  was  the 
theme  of  general  admiration.  Home  Tooke  said  of  it, 
rather  contemptuously.  It  consists  of  mere  scraps;  allud- 
ing to  the  frequent  use  of  the  Ciceronean  language.  This 
sarcasm  was  mentioned  to  Parr,  who  afterwards  meeting 
Tooke,  said  to  him.  So,  Mr.  Tooke,  you  think  my  Preface 
mere  scraps  ?  True,  replied  Tooke,  Avith  inimitable  rea- 
diness, but  you  know,  my  dear  Doctor,  scraps  are  often 
tit-bits. 

817.  An  old  woman  received  a  letter  from  the  post- 
office,  at  New  York.  Not  knowing  how  to  read,  and 
being  anxious  to  know  the  contents,  supposing  it  to 
be  from  one  of  her  absent  sons,  she  called  on  a'person 
near  to  read  the  letter  to  her.  He  accordingly  began 
and  read:  Charleston,  June  23,  1826.  Dear  mother, — 
then  making  a  stop  to  find  out  what  followed  (as  the 
writing  was'  rather  bad),  the  old  lady  exclaimed — Oh, 
'tis  my  poor  Jerry,  he  always  stuttered ! 


/ 


1G6  JOE   MILLER'S   JESTS. 

818.  When  Kleber  wasin  Egypt,  he  sustanied,  during 
five  hours,  Avith  only  two  tliousand  men,  the  luiited  ef- 
forts of  twenty  thousand.  He  was  nearly  surroinid- 
ed,  was  wounded,  and  had  only  a  narrow  defile  by 
Avhich  to  escape.  In  this  extremity,  he  called  to  him  a 
chef  de  bataillon,  named  Chevardin,  for  whom  he  had  a 
particular  regard.  Take,  said  he  to  him,  a  company  of 
grenadiers,  and  stop  the  enemy  at  the  ravine.  You  will 
be  killed,  but  you  will  save  your  comrades.  Yes,  gen- 
eral, replied  Chevardin.  He  gave  his  watch  and  his 
po(?ket-book  to  his  servant,  executed  the  order,  and  his 
death,  in  fact,  arrested  the  enemy,  and  saved  the 
French. 

819.  An  Irish  gentleman  w^as  relating  in  company  that 
he  saw  a  terrible  wind  the  other  night.  Saw  a  wind ! 
said  another,  I  never  heard  of  a  wind  being  seen  !  But, 
pray,  what  w^as  it  like  ?  Like  to  have  blown  my  house 
about  my  ears,  replied  the  first. 

820.  Dr.  O'Connor,  in  his  History  of  Poland,  says  that 
the  Irish  are  long-lived ;  that  some  of  them  attain  to  the 
age  of  a  hundred :  in  short,  adds  the  doctor,  they  live  as 
long  as  they  can. 

821.  An  Irish  labourer  bought  a  pair  of  shoes,  and  at 
the  same  time  asked  the  shoemaker,  if  he  could  tell  him 
wdiat  Avould  prevent  them  going  down  on  the  sides  ? 
The  shoemaker  said.  The  only  way  to  prevent  that  was 
to  change  them  every  morning.  Pat  accordingly  re- 
turned the  following  morning,  called  for  a  pair  of  shoes, 
fitted  them  on,  left  the  pair  he  bought  tlie  day  before, 
and  was  walking  out  of  the  shop  without  further  notice, 
when  the  shoemaker  called  to  him  to  know  what  he  was 
doing,  telling  him  at  the  same  time,  that  he  had  forgot- 
ten to  pay  for  the  shoes  he  had  just  bought.  And  is  it 
what  am  I  doing,  you  as'k  ?  Am  not  I  doing  what  you 
told  me  yesterday,  changing  my  shoes  every  morning  ? 

822.  Notwithstanding  the  perpetual  contention  be- 
tween Rich  and  Garrick  for  the  fiivour  of  the  town,  they 
lived  upon  very  friendly  terms.  Rich  had  improved  his 
house  at  Covent  Garden,  and  made  it  capable  of  holding 


JOE   MIIXER  S   JESTS.  167 

more,  Garrick  went  with  him  to  see  it,  {ind  asked  him 
in  the  theatrical  phrase,  How  much  money  it  wonkl 
Iiold  ?  Sir,  said  Rich,  that  question  I  am  at  present  un- 
able to  answer,  but  were  you  to  appear  but  one  night  on 
my  stage,  I  should  be  able  to  tell  you  to  the  utmost 
shilling. 

823.  Sir  William  Curtis  lately  sat  near  a  gentleman  at 
a  civic  dinner,  who  alluded  to  the  excellence  of  the 
knives,  adding,  that  articles  manufactured  from  Cast 
steel  were  of  a  very  superior  quality,  such  as  razors, 
forks,  &c.  Aye,  replied  the  facetious  baronet,  and  soap 
too — there's  no  soap  like  Castile  soap. 

824.  A  miller,  who  attempted  to  be  witty  at  the  ex- 
pense of  a  youth  of  weak  intellects,  accosted  him  with, 
John,  people  say  that  you  are  a  fool.  To  this,  John  re- 
plied, I  don't  know  that  I  am,  sir  ;  I  know  some  things, 
sir,  and  some  things  I  don't  know,  sir.  Well,  John, 
Avhat  do  you  know  ?  I  know  that  millers  always  have 
fat  hogs,  sir.  And  what  don't  you  know  ?  I  don't  know 
whose  corn  they  eat,  sir. 

825.  When  Dr.  Ehrenberg  .(the  Prussian  traveller) 
was  in  Egypt,  he  said  to  a  peasant,  I  suppose  you  are 
quite  happy  now  ;  the  country  looks  like  a  garden,  and 
every  village  has  its  minaret.  God  is  great !  replied  the 
peasant ;  our  master  gives  with  one  hand  and  takes  with 
two. 

826.  Frank  Hayman  was  a  dull  dog.  When  he  buried 
his  wife,  a  friend  asked  him  why  he  expended  so  much 
money  on  her  funeral  ?     Ah,  sir,  replied  he,  she  would 

•^  have  done  as  much,  or  more,  for  me,  Avith  pleasure. 

827.  At  a  doctor's  shop,  a  few  doors  from  Westmin- 
ster Bridge,  may  be  seen  written  up  the  following  notifi- 
cation : ,  surgeon,  apothecary,  and  accoucheur  to 

the  king. 

828.  A  certain  bishop  having  recently  conferred  a 
piece  of  preferment  on  an  able  and  amiable  divine,  resi- 
dent near  London,  the  gentleman  w^rote  to  his  son,  who 
was   at  school  at  Brighton,   announcing   the   circum- 


168 

stance ;  adding,  how  extremely  kind  the  bishop  had 
been  in  giving  him  a  stall:  to  which  the  youth  returned 
the  following  answer :  Dear  father,  I  am  extremely  glad 
to  hear  of  your  preferment — now  the  bishop  has  given 
you  another  stall,  perhaps  you  will  keep  a  horse  for  me. 

829.  Some  one  seeinfy  a  beggar  in  his  shirt,  in  winter, 
as  brisk  as  another  muffled  up  to  the  ears  in  furs,  asked 
him  how  he  could  endure  to  go  so  ?  The  man  of  many 
wants  replied.  Why,  sir,  you  go  Avith  your  face  bare  ;  I 
am  all  face.  A  good  reply,  for  a  regular  beggar,  whether 
taken  in  a  jocose  or  a  philosophical  sense. 

830.  How  do  you  find  yourself,  Mrs.  Judy  ?  said  a  St. 
Bartholomew's  surgeon,  after  taking  off  the  arm  of  an 
Irish  basket-woman.  How  do  I  find  mj-self  ?  why,  with- 
out my  arm — how  the  devil  else  should  I  ? 

831.  A  loving  husband  once  waited  on  a  physician  to 
request  him  to  prescribe  for  his  wife's  eyes,  which  were 
very  sore.  Let  her  wash  them,  said  the  doctor,  every 
morning,  with  a  small  glass  of  brandy.  A  few  Aveeks 
after,  the  doctor  chanced  to  meet  the  husband.  Well, 
my  friend,  has  your  Avife  followed  my  advice?  She  has 
done  everything  in  her  poAver  to  do  it,  doctor,  said  the 
spouse,  but  she  ncA^er  could  get  the  glass  higher  than  her 
mouth. 

832.  Two  Scotch  clergymen,  Avho  Avere  not  so  long- 
headed as  they  themselves  imagined,  met  one  day  at  the 
turning  of  a  street,  and  ran  their  heads  together  un- 
aAvares.  The  shock  Avas  rather  stunning  to  one  of  them. 
He  pulled  off  his  hat,  and  laying  his  hand  on  his  fore- 
head, said.  Sic  a  thump  !  my  heed's  a'  ringing  again. 
Nae  Avonder,  said  his  companion,  your  heed  Avas  aye 
Boss  (empty),  that  makes  it  ring ;  my  heed  disna  ring 
a  bit.  HoAV  could  it  ring,  said  the  other,  seeing  it  is 
cracket  ?  cracket  vessels  never  ring. — Each  described  the 
other  to  a  T. 

833.  I  Avill  save  you  a  thousand  pounds,  said  an  Irish- 
man to  an  old  gentleman,  if  you  don't  stand  in  your  own 
light.     How  ?     You  have  a  daughter,  and  you  intend  to 


JOE  miller's  jests.  169 


give  her  ten  thousand  as  a  marriage  portion.     I  do, 
I  will  take  her  with  nine  thousand. 


sir, 


834.  An  Irishman  telling  what  he  called  an  excellent 
story,  a  gentleman  observed,  he  had  met  with  it  in  a 
book  published  many  years  ago.  Confound  those  an- 
cients, said  Teague,  they  are  always  stealing  one's  good 
thoughts. 

835.  A  man  of  the  name  of  Mark  Noble,  passing  by 
the  garrison  at  Hull,  the  sentinel,  as  usual,  called  out, 
Who  goes  there  ?  Twenty  shillings,  answered  Mark. 
That  cannot  be,  said  the  sentinel.  Why,  a  Mark  and  a 
Noble  make  twenty  shillings,  said  Mark. 

836.  I  live  in  Julia's  eyes,  said  an  affected  dandy  in 
Colman's  hearing.  I  don't  wonder  at  it,  replied  George, 
since  I  observed  she  had  a  sty  in  them  when  I  saw  her 
last. 

837.  A  veteran  at  the  battle  of  Trafalgar,  Avho  was 
actively  employed  at  one  of  the  guns  on  the  quarter-deck 
of  the  Britannia,  had  his  leg  shot  off  below  the  knee, 
and  observed  to  an  officer,  who  Avas  ordering  him  to  be 
conveyed  to  the  cockpit.  That's  but  a  shilling  touch  ;  an 
inch  higher  and  I  should  have  had  my  eighteen  pence  for 
it;  alluding  by  this  to  the  scale  of  pensions  allowed  for 
wounds,  which,  of  course,  increase  according  to  their  se- 
verity. The  same  hearty  fellow,  as  they  were  lifting  him 
on  a  brother  tar's  shoulders,  said  to  one  of  his  friends. 
Bob,  take  a  look  for  my  leg,  and  give  me  the  silver  buckle 
out  of  my  shoe ;  I'll  do  as  much  for  you,  please  God, 
some  other  time. 

838.  Some  time  after  Louis  XIV.  had  collated  the 
celebrated  Bossuet  to  the  bishopric  of  Meaux,  he  asked 
the  citizens  how  they  liked  their  new  bishop.  Why,  your 
majesty,  we  like  him  pretty  well.  Pretty  well  !  why 
what  fault  have  you  to  find  with  him?  To  tell  your 
majesty  the  truth,  we  should  have  preferred  having  a 
bishop  who  had  finished  his  education  ;  for  whenever  we 
wait  upon  him,  we  are  told  that  he  is  at  his  studies. 

839.  A  boy  who  did  not  return  after  the  holidays  to 


170 

Winchester  scliool,  by  the  time  tlie  master  had  charged 
him  to  do,  returned  at  last  loaded  with  a  fine  ham,  as  a 
bribe.  The  master  took  the  ham,  and  told  him,  that  he 
might  give  his  compliments  to  his  mother  for  the  ham, 
but  assured  him  it  should  not  save  his  bacon,  and  flogged 
liim. 

840.  Previous  to  a  late  general  election,  two  candi- 
dates for  a  northern  county  met  in  a  ball-room.  Why 
do  you  sit  still  ?  said  a  friend,  to  one  of  them,  whilst 
your  opponent  is  tripping  it  so  assiduously  witli  the  elec- 
tors' wives  and  daughters  ?  The  aspirant  for  parliament- 
ary fame  replied,  I  have  no  objection  to  his  dancing  for 
the  county,  if  I  am  allowed  to  sit  for  it. 

841.  An  uninformed  Irishman,  hearing  the  Sphinx  al- 
luded to  in  company,  whispered  to  a  friend.  Sphinx  !  who 
is  he  now  ?  A  monster-man.  Oh,  a  Munster  man  !  I 
thought  he  was  from  Connaught,  replied  the  Irishman, 
determined  not  to  seem  totally  unacquainted  Avith  the 
family. 

842.  An  Irish  gentleman,  sojourning  at  Mitchner's 
Hotel,  Margate,  felt  much  annoyed  at  the  smallness  of 
the  bottles,  considering  the  high  price  of  the  wine.  One 
evening,  taking  his  glass  with  a  friend  in  the  cotfee-rooin, 
the  pompous  owner  came  in,  when  the  gentleman,  after 
apologizing  to  Mitchner,  told  him  he  and  his  friend  had 
laid  a  wager,  which  he  must  decide,  by  telling  him  what 
profession  he  w^as  bred  to.  Mitchner,  after  some  hesita- 
tion at  the  question,  answered  that  he  was  bred  to  the 
law.  Then,  said  the  gentleman,  I  have  lost,  for  I  laid 
that  you  was  bred  a  packer.  A  packer,  sir  !  said  Mitcli- 
ner,  swelling  like  a  turkey-cock,  what  could  induce 
you,  sir,  to  think  I  was  bred  a  packer  ?  Why,  sir,  said 
the  other,  I  judged  so  from  your  wine  measures,  for  I 
thought  no  man  but  a  skilful  packer  could  put  a  quart  of 
wine  into  a  pint  bottle. 

843.  Lady  Carteret,  wife  of  the  lord  lieutenant  of  Ire- 
land, in  Swift's  time,  said  to  him,  The  air  of  this  country 
is  good.  For  God's  sake,  madam,  said  Swift,  don't  say 
so  in  England :  if  you  do  they  will  certainly  tax  it. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  171 

844.  King  Charles  II.  was  reputed  a  great  connois- 
seur in  naval  architecture.  Being  once  at  Chatham,  to 
\iew  a  ship  just  finished,  on  the  stocks,  he  asked  the  fam- 
ous Killigrew,  if  he  did  not  think  he  should  make  an  ex- 
cellent shipwright  ?  who  pleasantly  replied.  He  always 
thought  his  majesty  would  have  done  better  at  any  other 
trade  than  his  own.  No  favourable  compliment,  but  as 
true  a  one,  perhaps,  as  ever  was  paid. 

845.  One  day  Dean  Swift  observed  a  great  rabble  as- 
sembled before  the  deanery  door,  in  Kevin  Street,  and 
upon  inquiring  into  the  cause  of  it,  he  was  told  they 
were  waiting  to  see  the  eclipse.  He  immediately  sent 
for  the  beadle  and  told  him  what  he  should  do.  Away 
ran  Davy  for  his  bell,  and  after  ringing  it  some  time 
among  the  crowd,  bawled  out — O  yes,  O  yes  ?  all  man- 
ner of  persons  here  concerned  are  desired  to  take  notice, 
that  it  is  the  Dean  of  St.  Patrick's  good  will  and  pleas- 
ure, that  the  eclipse  be  put  off  till  this  time  to-morrow ! 
so  God  save  the  king  and  his  reverence  the  dean.  The 
mob  upon  this  dispersed  ;  only  some  Irish  wit,  more 
shrewd  and  cunning  than  the  rest,  said,  with  great  self- 
complacency,  that  they  would  not  lose  another  afternoon, 
for  that  the  dean,  who  was  a  very  comical  man,  might  take 
it  into  his  head  to  put  off  the  eclipse  again,  and  so  make 
fools  of  them  a  second  time. 

846.  Some  school-boys  meeting  a  poor  woman  driving 
asses,  one  of  them  said  to  her.  Good  morning,  mother  of 
asses !     Good  morning,  my  children,  was  the  reply. 

847.  A  clergyman  being  at  the  point  of  death,  a  neigh- 
bouring brother,  who  had  some  interest  with  his  patron, 
applied  to  him  for  the  next  presentation  ;  upon  which  the 
former,  who  soon  recovered,  upbraided  him  ^vith  a  breach 
of  friendship,  and  said  he  wanted  his  death.  No,  no, 
doctor,  said  the  other,  you  quite  mistake :  it  was  your 
living  I  ^vanted. 

848.  A  gentleman  in  company  complaining  that  he  v/as 
very  subject  to  catch  cold  in  his  feet,  another,  not  over- 
loaded with  sense,  told  him  that  might  easily  be  prevent- 
ed, if  he  would  follow  his  directions.     I  always  get,  said 


172  JOE  miller's  jests. 

he,  a  thin  piece  of  lead  out  of  an  India  chest,  and  fit  it 
to  my  shoe  for  this  purpose.  Then,  sir,  said  the  former, 
you  are  like  a  rope-dancer's  pole,  you  have  lead  at  both 
ends. 

849.  The  late  Duchess  of  Kingston,  who  was  remark- 
able for  having  a  very  high  sense  of  her  own  dignity, 
being  one  day  detained  in  her  carriage  by  a  cart  of  coals 
that  was  unloading  in  the  street,  she  leaned  with  both  her 
arms  upon  the  door,  and  asked  the  fellow.  How  dare  you, 
sirrah,  stop  a  woman  of  quality  in  the  street  ?  Woman 
of  quality  !  replied  the  man.  Yes,  fellow,  rejoined  her 
grace,  don't  you  see  my  arms  upon  my  carriage  ?  Yes, 
I  do,  indeed,  said  he,  and  a  pair  of  plaguy  coarse  arms 
they  are. 

850.  A  worthy  churcli warden  of  Canterbury  lately  ex- 
cused himself,  by  note,  from  a  dinner  party,  by  alleging 
that  he  was  engaged  in  taking  the  senses  (census)  of  his 
parish. 

851.  On  the  day  for  renewing  the  licences  of  the  pub- 
licans in  the  West  Riding  of  Yorkshire,  one  of  the  magis- 
trates said  to  an  old  woman  who  kept  a  little  alehouse, 
that  he  trusted  she  did  not  put  any  pernicious  ingredients 
into  the  liquor ;  to  which  she  replied.  There  is  nought 
pernicious  put  into  our  barrels  but  the  exciseman's  stick. 

852.  Some  soldiers  at  Chelsea  were  bragging  of  the 
privations  they  had  often  imdergone  ;  when  one  of  them 
said,  he  had  slept  for  weeks  on  rough  boards,  Avith  a 
wooden  pillow  ;  the  other  observed,  that  was  a  comfort 
to  what  he  endured,  having  slept  night  after  night,  in 
Italy,  on  marble.  An  Irish  fisherman,  who  was  in  com- 
pany, observed.  It  was  all  bother  and  nonsense,  for  he 
had  often  slept  on  a  bed  of  oysters. 

853.  A  droll  fellow,  who  got  a  livelihood  by  fiddling 
at  fairs  and  about  the  country,  was  one  day  met  by  an 
acquaintance  that  had  not  seen  him  a  great  while,  who 
accosted  him  thus :  Bless  me !  what,  are  you  alive  ? 
Why  not  ?  answered  the  fiddler ;  did  you  send  anybody 
to  kill  me  ?     No,  replied  the  other,  but  I  was  told  you 


/" 


/ 


173 

were  dead.  Ay,  so  it  was  reported,  it  seems,  said  the 
fiddler,  but  I  knew  it  was  false  as  soon  as  I  heard  it. 

854.  Mr.  M ,  the  artist,  was  reading  the  paper  the 

other  day,  while  his  boy,  who  had  the  daily  task  of  pre- 
paring his  palette  for  him,  was  rubbing  in  the  various 
tints,  when  the  boy  suddenly  stopped,  and,  with  an 
anxious  look,  said.  Pray,  sir,  I  have  heard  so  much 
about  it,  will  you  have  the  goodness  to  tell  me  what  is 
the  Color  o'  Morbus  V 

855.  Milton,  the  British  Homer,  and  prince  of  modern 
poets,  in  his  latter  days,  and  when  he  was  blind — (a 
thing  some  men  do  with  their  eyes  open),  married  a 
shrew.  The  Duke^  of  Buckingham  one  day,  in  Milton's 
hearing,  called  her  a  rose.  I  am  no  judge  of  flowers, 
observed  Milton,  but  it  may  be  so,  for  I  feel  the  thorns 
daily. 

856.  One  of  the  wooden  mitres,  carved  by  Gui.  Gib- 
bon, over  one  of  the  stalls,  in  the  cathedral  church  of 
Canterbury,  happening  to  become  loose,  Jessy  White, 
the  surveyor  of  that  edifice,  inquired  of  the  dean  whe- 
ther he  should  make  it  fast ;  for,  perhaps,  said  Jessy, 
it  may  fall  on  your  reverence's  head.  Well,  Jessy,  sup- 
pose it  does,  answered  the  humorous  Cantab,  suppose  it 
does  fall  on  my  head,  I  don't  know  that  a  mitre  falling 
on  my  head  would  hurt  it. 

857.  A  gentleman  of  Magdalen  College,  whose  name 
was  Nott,  returning  late  from  his  friend's  rooms  in 
rather  a  merry  mood,  and,  not  quite  able  to  preserve  his 
centre  of  gravity,  in  his  way  home,  attracted  the  atten- 
tion of  the  proctor,  who  demanded  his  name  and  college. 
I  am  Nott  of  Maudlin,  was  the  hiccuping  reply.  Sir, 
said  the  proctor,  in  an  angry  tone,  I  did  not  ask  of  what 
college  you  are  not,  but  of  what  college  you  are.  I  am 
ISTott  of  Maudlin,  was  again  the  broken  reply.  The 
proctor,  enraged  at  what  he  considered  contumely,  in- 
sisted on  accompanying  him  to  Maudlin,  whither  having 
arrived,  he  demanded  of  the  porter  whether  he  knew 
the  gentleman.  Know  him,  sir,  said  the  porter,  yes,  it 
is  Mr.  Nott,  of  this  college.     The  proctor  now  perceived 


174  JOE  miller's  jests. 

his  error  in  not  imderstanding  the  gentleman,  and,  laugh- 
ing heartily  at  the  aifair,  wished  him  a  good  night. 

858.  Bishop  Sherlock  and  Hoadly  were  both  fresh- 
men of  the  same  year,  at  Catherine  Hall,  Cambridge. 
The  classical  subject  in  which  they  were  first  lectured, 
was  Tully's  Offices,  and  it  so  happened,  one  morning, 
that  Hoadly  received  a  compliment  from,  the  tutor  for 
the  excellence  of  his  construing.  Sherlock,  a  little  vexed 
at  the  preference  shown  to  his  rival  (for  such  they  then 
were),  and,  thinking  to  bore  Hoadly  by  the  remark,  said, 
when  they  left  the  lecture-room,  Ben,  you  made  good 
use  of  L'Estrange's  translation  to-day.  Why,  no,  Tom, 
retorted  Hoadly,  I  did  not,  for  I  had. not  got  one  ;  and  I 
forgot  to  borrow  yours,  which  is  the  only  one  in  the 
college. 

859.  A  cockney  sportsman,  being  out  one  day  amus- 
ing himself  with  shooting,  happened  to  fire  through  a 
hedge,  on  the  other  side  of  which  was  a  man,  standing 
or  leaning,  no  matter  which.  The  shot  passed  through 
the  man's  hat,  but  missed  the  bird.  Did  you  fire  at  me, 
sir?  he  hastily  asked.  O  no,  sir,  said  the  shrewd  sj^orts- 
man,  I  never  hit  what  I  fire  at. 

860.  Some  persons  broke  into  the  stables  belonging  to 
a  troop  of  horse,  which  Avas  quartered  at  Carlisle,  and 
wantonly  docked  the  tail  of  every  horse  close  to  the 
rump.  The  captain,  relating  the  circumstance  next  day, 
to  a  brother  officer,  said  he  was  at  a  loss  what  to  do 
with  the  horses.  I  fancy  you  must  dispose  of  them  by 
wholesale,  w^as  the  reply.  Why  by  wholesale  ?  Be- 
cause you'll  certainly  find  it  impossible  to  retail  them. 

861.  At  one  of  the  Holland  House  Sunday  dinner- 
parties, a  few  years  ago,  Crockford's  club,  then  forming, 
was  talked  of;  and  the  noble  hostess  observed,  that  the 
female  passion  for  diamonds  was  surely  less  ruinous  than 
the  rage  for  play  among  men.  In  short,  you  think,  said 
Mr.  Rogers,  that  clubs  are  worse  than  diamonds.  This 
joke  excited  a  laugh,  and  when  it  had  subsided,  Sydney 
Smith  wrote  the  following  impromptu  sermonet — most 
appropriately  on  a  card ; 


JOE  miller's  jests.  175 

Thoughtless  tliat  "  nil  that's  brightest  fades,'* 
Unmindful  of  that  Knave  of  Spades, 

The  Sexton  and  his  Subs: 
How  foolishly  we  play  our  parts ! 
Our  wives  on  diamonds  set  their  hearts. 

We  set  our  hearts  on  clubs. 

862.  The  Duke  of  Clarence  jocularly  observing  to  a 
captain  of  the  navy,  that  he  heard  he  read  the  Bible, 
wished  to  know  what  he  had  learned  from  it.  The  cap- 
tain replied  that  there  was  one  part  of  Scripture,  at 
least,  which  he  well  remembered,  and  thought  it  con- 
tained an  admirable  lesson.  What  is  that  ?  cried  the 
duke.  Not  to  put  my  trust  in  princes !  your  royal  high- 
ness. 

863.  Mr.  Abrahams,  said  Lord  Mansfield,  this  man  is 
your  son,  and  cannot  go  in  the  same  bail  bond.  He  ish 
not  my  son,  my  lord.  AVhy,  Mr.  Abrahams,  here  are 
twenty  in  court  will  prove  it.  I  will  shwear,  my  lord,  he 
ish  not.  Take  care,  Abrahams,  or  I  will  send  you  to  the 
King's  Bench.  Now,  my  lord,  if  your  lordship  pleases, 
I  will  tell  you  the  truth.  Well,  I  shall  be  glad  to  hear 
the  truth  from  a  Jew,  replied  Lord  Mansfield.  My  lord, 
I  wash  in  Amsterdam  two  years  and  three  quarters ; 
when  I  came  home  I  findish  this  lad ;  now  the  law 
obliges  me  to  maintain  him  ;  and  consequently,  my  lord, 
he  ish  but  my  son-in-law.  Well,  rejoined  Lord  Mans- 
field, this  is  the  best  definition  of  a  son-in-law  I  ever 
heard. 

864.  An  Irishman  being  told  that  a  friend  of  his  had 
put  his  money  in  the  stocks,  Well,  said  he,  I  never  had 
a  farthing  in  the  stocks,  but  I  have  had  my  legs  often 
enough  in  them. 

865.  Dr.  Fuller  having  requested  one  of  his  com- 
panions, who  was  a  bon  vivant,  to  make  an  epitaph  for 
him,  received  the  following,  with  the  conceit  of  which 
he  always  expressed  himself  much  pleased — "  Here  lies 
Fuller's  earth." 

866.  Two  L-ish  seamen  being  on  board  a  ship  of  war 
that  was  lying   at   Spithead,  one   of  them,   looking  on 


176  JOE  miller's  jests. 

Haslar  Hospital,  observed,  How  miicli  tTiat  building 
puts  me  in  mind  of  my  father's  stables.  Arrah,  my 
honey,  cried  the  other,  come  Avith  me,  and  I  will  shew 
you  what  will  put  you  in  mind  of  your  father's  house. 
So  saying,  he  led  him  to  the  pig-sty.  There,  said  he, 
does  not  that  put  you  in  mind  of  your  father's  parlour  ? 

867.  At  a  violent  opposition  election  for  Shrewsbury, 
in  the  reign  of  George  I.,  a  half-pay  officer,  who  was  a 
non-resident  burgess,  was,  with  some  other  voters, 
brought  down  from  London  at  the  expense  of  Mr. 
Kynaston,  one  of  the  candidates.  The  old  campaigner 
regularly  attended  and  feasted  at  the  houses  which  were 
opened  for  the  electors  in  Mr.  Kynaston's  interest,  until 
the  last  day  of  the  polling,  when,  to  the  astonishment 
of  the  party,  he  gave  his  vote  to  his  opponent.  For 
this  strange  conduct  he  was  reproached  by  his  quondam 
companions,  and  asked,  what  could  have  induced  him  to 
act  so  dishonourable  a  part,  and  become  an  apostate. 
An  apostate !  answered  the  old  soldier — an  apostate  !  by 
no  means.  .1  made  up  my  mind  about  whom  I  should 
vote  for  before  I  set  out  upon  this  campaign ;  but  I  re- 
membered the  duke's  constant  advice  to  us  Avhen  I 
served  with  our  army  in  Flanders — Always  quarter  upon 
the  enemy,  my  lads  ;   always  quarter  upon  the  enemy. 

868.  One  of  those  Hibernian  lapidaries  to  whose  skill 
the  London  pavements  are  so  highly  indebted,  was  tried 
at  the  Old  Bailey  one  day  for  biting  off  the  nose  of  a 

~~  Welchman,  a  brother  paviour,  in  a  quarrel,  at  their 
work.  The  unfortunate  Cambrian  appeared  in  court 
with  his  noseless  countenance,  and  swore  the  fact 
against  the  prisoner ;  but  Dennis  stoutly  denied  it,  and 
called  his  gossip,  another  Hibernian  paviour,  to  give 
evidence  in  his  defence.  This  witness,  with  great  ap- 
parent simplicity,  stated.  That  to  be  sure  his  gossip 
and  the  other  man  had  a  little  bit  of  a  scrimmage, 
and  both  fell  together ;  that  the  Welchman  made  seve- 
ral  attempts  to  bite  his  gossip's  face,  and   at   last  he 

^  made  a  twist  of  his  mouth,  and  bit  oiF  his  own  nose  in  a 
mistake. 


\ 


JOE  inLLER's  JEsrs.  177 

869.  Counsellor  Crips,  of  Cork,  being  on  a  party  at 
Castle  Martyr,  the  seat  of  the  Earl  of  Shannon,  in  Ire- 
land, one  of  the  company,  who  was  a  physician,  strolled 
out  before  dinner  into  the  church-yard.  Dinner  being 
served  up,  and  the  doctor  not  returned,  some  of  the 
company  were  expressing  their  surprise  where  he  could 
be  gone  to.  Oh,  said  the  counsellor,  he  is  but  just 
stepped  out  to  pay  a  visit  to  some  of  his  old  patients. 

870.  Sir  John  Davis,  a  Welchman,  in  the  reign  of 
King  James  I.,  wrote  a  letter  to  the  king  in  these 
words :  Most  mighty  Prince !  the  gold  mine  that  was 
lately  discovered  in  Ballycurry  turns  out  to  be  a  lead 
one. 

871.  An  Irish  gentleman  in  company,  seeing  that  the 
lights  were  so  dim  as  only  to  render  the  darkness  visi- 
ble, called  out  lustily,  Here,  waiter,  let  me  have  a  couple 
of  daycent  candles,  just  that  I  may  see  how  these  others 
burn. 

872.  An  Irishman  lately  arriving  in  London,  and  pass- 
ing through  Broad  Street,  observed  a  glass  globe,  con- 
taining some  fine  large  gold  fish,  he  exclaimed — And 
sure,  this  is  the  first  time  in  my  life  that  I  have  seen  live 
red  herrings. 

873.  The  father  of  the  celebrated  Sheridan  was  one 
day  descanting  on  the  pedigree  of  his  family,  regretting 
that  they  were  no  longer  styled  the  O'Sheridans,  as  they 
were  formerly.  Indeed,  father,  replied  Sheridan,  then  a 
boy,  we  have  more  right  to  the  O  than  any  one  else ;  for 
we  owe  everybody. 

874.  A  country  carpenter  having  neglected  to  make  a 
gibbet  (which  was  ordered  by  the  executioner),  on  the 
ground  that  he  had  not  been  paid  for  the  last  he  erected, 
gave  so  much  oftence,  that  the  next  time  the  judge  went 
the  circuit  he  was  sent  for.  Fellow,  said  the  judge,  in  a 
stern  tone,  how  came  you  to  neglect  making  the  gibbet 
that  was  ordered  on  my  account  ?  I  humbly  beg  your 
pardon,  said  the  carpenter,  had  I  known  it  had  been  for 
your  lordship,  it  should  have  been  done  immediately. 


178  JOE  miller's  jests. 

875.  An  Intendant  of  Montpellier,  having  lost  his  lady, 
was  solicitous  that  the  chief  officers  of  the  city  should  at- 
tend her  funeral  obsequies.  This  honour  the  magistrates 
thouglit  proper  to  refuse,  because  it  was  not  customary, 
and  might  introduce  a  bad  precedent.  With  a  view, 
however,  to  conciliate  the  lavour  of  a  person  whom  it 
would  not  be  their  interest  to  offend,  they  politely  added, 

^  If,  sir,  it  had  been  your  own  funeral,  we  should  have  at- 
tended it  with  the  greatest  pleasure. 

876.  An  Irish  bookseller,  previous  to  a  trial  in  which 
he  was  the  defendant,  Avas  informed  by  his  counsel,  that 
if  there  were  any  of  the  jury  to  whom  he  had  j^ersonal 
objection,  he  might  legally  challenge  them.  Faith,  and 
so  I  will,  replied  he ;  if  they  do  not  bring  me  off  hand- 
somely I  will  shoot  every  man  of  them. 

877.  A  prisoner  confined  in  a  French  prison  for  a  petty 
debt,  lately  sent  to  his  creditor,  to  let  him  know  he  had  a 
proposal  to  make  for  their  mutual  benefit.  The  creditor 
came,  and*the  incarcerated  thus  addressed  him :  Sir,  I 
have  been  thinking  that  it  is  a  very  idle  thing  for  me  to 
be  here,  and  put  you  to  the  expense  of  twenty  sous  a  day. 
My  being  so  chargeable  to  you  has  given  me  great  un- 
easiness, and  God  knows  what  it  may  cost  you  in  the  end. 
Therefore,  I  propose  that  you  should  let  me  out  of  prison, 
and,  instead  of  a  franc,  you  shall  allow  me  only  ten  sous 
a  day,  and  the  other  half  franc  shall  go  towards  the  dis- 
charge of  the  debt.  [*,{,*  By  the  French  law  a  creditor 
is  bound  to  allow  his  debtor  a  franc  a  day  so  long  as  he 
detains  him  in  prison.] 

878.  Porson  was  no  less  distinguished  for  his  wit  and 
humour  during  his  residence  in  Cambridge,  than  for  his 
profound  learning  ;  and  he  Avould  frequently  divert  him- 
self by  sending  quizzical  morceaux,  in  the  shape  of  notes, 

"*  to  his  companions.  He  one  day  sent  his  gyp  with  a  note 
to  a  certain  Cantab,  who  is  now  a  D.D.  and  master  of  his 
college,  requesting  him  to  find  the  value  of  nothing  ;  next 
day  he  met  his  friend  walking,  and,  stopping  him,  he  de- 
sired to  know,  whether  he  had  succeeded  ?  His  friend 
answered,  Yes.     And  what  may  it  be  ?   asked  Porson. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  179 

Sixpence  !  replied  he,  which  I  gave  the  man  for  bringing 
tlie  note. 

879.  A  fellow  of  atrocious  ugliness  chanced  to  pick  up 
a  looking-glass  on  his  road.  But  when  he  looked  at  him- 
self he  flung  it  away  in  a  rage,  crying,  Curse  you,  if  you 
were  good  for  anything  you  would  not  have  been  thrown 
away  by  your  owner. 

880.  Dr.  Graham  being  on  his  stage  at  Chelmsford,  in 
Essex,  in  order  to  promote  the  sale  of  liis  medicines,  told 
the  country  people  that  he  came  there  for  the  good  of  the 
public,  not  for  want.  Then  speaking  to  his  merry  An- 
drew, Andrew,  said  he,  do  we  come  here  for  want  ?  No, 
faith,  sir,  said  Andrew,  we  have  enough  of  that  at  home. 

881.  An  Irish  gentleman  meeting  his  nephcAV,  who 
told  him  he  had  just  been  entered  at  college,  replied,  I 
am  extremely  happy  to  hear  it ;  make  the  most  of  your 
time  and  abilities,  and  I  hope  I  shall  live  to  hear  you 
preach  my  funeral  sermon. 

882.  An  old  gentleman,  who  used  to  frequent  one  of 
the  coffee-houses  in  Dublin,  being  unwell,  thought  he 
might  make  so  free  as  to  steal  an  opinion  concerning  his 
case ;  accordingly,  one  day  he  took  an  opportunity  of 
asking  one  of  the  fliculty,  who  sat  in  the  same  box  with 
him,  what  he  should  take  for  such  a  complaint  ?  Advice, 
said  the  doctor. 

883.  An  Irishman  maintained  in  company  that  the  sun 
did  not  make  his  revolution  round  the  earth.  But  how, 
said  one  to  him,  is  it  possible,  that  having  reached  the 
Avest,  where  he  sets,  he  could  be  seen  to  rise  in  the  east, 
if  he  did  not  pass  underneath  the  globe  ?  How  puzzled 
you  are,  replied  the  obstinate  ignorant  man  ;  he  returns 
the  same  way  ;  and  if  it  be  not  perceived,  it  is  on  account 
of  his  coming  back  by  night. 

884.  Baron  d'Adrets  occasionally  made  his  prisoners 
throw  themselves  headlong,  from  the.  battlements  of  a 
high  tower,  upon  the  pikes  of  his  soldiers.  One  of  these 
unfortunate  persons,  having  approached  the  battlements 
twice,  without  venturing  to  leap,  the  baron  reproached 


180  JOE  miller's  jests. 

him  with  his  want  of  courage,  in  a  very  insulting  man- 
ner. Why,  sir,  said  the  prisoner,  bold  as  you  are,  I  would 
give  you  five  times  before  you  took  the  leap.  This  pleas- 
antry saved  the  poor  fellow's  life. 

885.  An  Irishman,  angling  in  the  rain,  was  observed  to 
keep  his  line  under  the  arch  of  a  bridge ;  upon  being 
asked  the  reason,  he  gave  the  following  answer :  To  be 
sure,  the  fishes  will  be  after  crowding  there,  in  order  to 
keep  out  of  the  wet. 

886.  A  foolish  fellow  went  to  the  parish  priest,  and 
told  him,  with  a  very  long  face,  that  he  had  seen  a  ghost. 
When  and  where  ?  said  the  pastor.  Last  niglit,  replied 
the  timid  man,  I  was  passing  by  the  church,  and  up 
against  the  wall  of  it,  did  I  behold  the  spectre.  In  what 
shape  did  it  appear  ?  replied  the  priest.  It  appeared  in 
the  shape  of  a  great  ass.  Go  home,  and  say  not  a  word 
about  it,  rejoined  the  pastor:  you  are  a  very  timid  man, 
and  have  been  frightened  by  your  own  shadow. 

887.  A  lady  remarking  to  a  bookseller  that  she  had 
just  had  C]-abbe's  Tales,  and  thought  them  excellent ;  an- 
other lady  heard  the  observation  with  astonishment,  and 
on  the  departure  of  the  speaker,  asked  the  bookseller, 
with  a  very  grave  face.  If  he  could  tell  her  how  the  crab's 
tails  were  dressed,  as  she  should  like  much  to  taste  them. 

888.  A  very  worthy,  though  not  particularly  erudite, 
underwriter  at  Lloyd's  was  conversing  one  day  with  a 
friend  in  the  coffee-house,  on  the  subject  of  a  ship  they 
had  mutually  insured.  His  friend  observed,  Do  you 
know,  I  shrewdly  suspect  our  ship  is  in  jeopardy.  The 
devil  she  is !  said  he ;  well,  I  am  glad  that  she  has  got 
into  port  at  last. 

889.  Sir  Thomas  Overbury  says,  that  the  man  who  has 
not  anything  to  boast  of  but  his  illustrious  ancestors,  is 
like  a  potato  plant — the  only  good  belonging  to  him  is 
under  ground. 

890.  It  is  well  known  that  the  celebrated  lawyer  Dun- 
ning (afterwards  Lord  Ashburton)  was  a  severe  cross- 
examiner,  unsparing  in  his  sarcasms  and  reflections  upon 


JOE    MILLER'S    JESTS.  181 

character,  when  he  thought  that  the  truth  might  be  elic- 
ited by  alarming  a  witness.  He  sometimes  was  harsh 
and  overbearing,  when  milder  behaviour  would  have  done 
him  more  credit,  and  answered  his  purpose  quite  as  well. 
Among  the  numerous  rebukes  which  he  received  for  this 
habit  of  severity,  the  following  is  related,  from  his  brother 
barrister.  Jack  Lee.  He  mentioned  to  Lee  that  he  had 
made  a  purchase  of  some  manors  in  Devonshire.  It 
would  be  well,  said  Lee,  if  you  could  bring  them  to 
Westminster  Hall. 

891.  The  late  Lee  Lewes  shooting  on  a  field,  the  pro- 
prietor attacked  him  violently  :  I  allow  no  person,  said 
lie,  to  kill  game  on  my  manor  but  myself,  and  I'll  shoot 
you,  if  you  come  here  again.  What,  said  the  other,  I 
suppose  you  mean  to  make  game  of  me. 

892.  George  the  Fourth,  on  hearing  some  one  declare 
that  Moore  had  murdered  Sheridan,  in  his  biography  of 
tliat  statesman,  observed :  I  won't  say  that  Mr.  Moore 
has  murdered  Sheridan,  but  he  has  certainly  attempted 
his  life. 

893.  The  late  Duke  of  Norfolk  was  remarkably  fond 
of  his  bottle.  On  a  masquerade  night,  he  consulted 
Foote  as  to  what  character  he  should  appear  in.  Don't 
go  disguised,  said  Foote,  but  assume  a  new  character ; 
go  sober. 

894.  Lord  B — ,  who  sports  a  ferocious  pair  of  whiskers, 
meeting  Mr.  O'Connell  in  Dublin,  the  latter  said.  When 
do  you  mean  to  place  your  whiskers  on  the  peace  estab- 
lishment? When  you  place  your  tongue  on  the  civil 
list!  was  the  witty  rejoinder. 

.895.  A  gentleman,  at  whose  house  Swift  was  once 
dining  in  Ireland,  introduced  at  dinner  remarkably 
small  hock  glasses,  and  at  length  turning  to  Swift  ad- 
dressed him, — Mr.  Dean,  I  shall  be  happy  to  take  a  glass 
of  hic^  hmc^  hoc^  with  you.  Sir,  rejoined  the  doctor,  I 
shall  be  happy  to  comply,  but  it  must  be  out  of  a  hiijus 
glass. 

896.  There  were  two  very  fat  noblemen  at  the  court 


182 


of  Louis  the  Fifteenth,  the  Duke  de  L —  and  the  Duke 
de  N — .  They  Avere  both  one  day  at  the  levee,  when  the 
king  began  to  rally  the  former  on  his  corpulence.  You 
take  no  exercise,  I  suppose,  said  the  king.  Pardon  me, 
sire,  said  de  L — ,  I  walk  twice  a  day  round  my  cousin 
de  ^ — . 

897.  An  avaricious  fenman,  Avho  kept  a  very  scanty 
table,  dining  on  Saturday  with  his  son  at  an  ordinary  in 
Cambridge,  whispered  in  his  ear,  Tom,  you  must  eat  for 
to-day  and  to-morrow.  O,  yes,  retorted  the  half-starved 
lad,  but  I  ha'nt  eaten  for  yesterday  and  to-day  yet,  father. 

898.  Shortly  after  the  commencement  of  the  last  war, 
a  tax  was  laid  on  candles,  which,  as  a  political  economist 
would  prove,  made  them  dear.  A  Scotch  wife,  in 
Greenock,  remarked  to  her  chandler,  Paddy  Macbeth, 
that  the  price  was  raised,  and  asked  why.  It's  a'  owin' 
to  the  war,  said  Paddy.  The  war  !  said  the  astonished 
matron,  gracious  me !  are  they  gaun  to  fight  by  candle 
light  ? 

899.  Dr.  Parr,  who,  it  is  well  known,  was  not  very  par- 
tial to  the  Thea  linensis,  although  lauded  so  warmly  by 
a  French  writer  as  7iostris  gratlsshna  niusis^  being  invit- 
ed to  take  tea  by  a  lady,  with  true  classic  wit  and  refin- 
ed gallantry,  uttered  the  following  delicate  compliment : 
— JSI'on  jyossum  te-cuin  vioere^  nee  sine  te  ! 

900.  Benjamin  Franklin,  when  a  child,  found  the  long 
graces  used  by  his  father  before  and  after  meals,  very 
tedious.  One  day,  after  the  winter's  provisions  had  been 
salted — I  think,  fiither,  said  Benjamin,  if  you  were  to 
say  grace  over  the  whole  cask  once  for  all,  it  would  be 
a  great  saving  of  time. 

901.  Mr.  Pitt,  said  the  Duchess  of  Gordon,!  wish  you 
to  dine  with  me  at  ten  this  evening.  I  must  decline  the 
honour,  said  tlie  premier,  for  I  am  engaged  to  sup  with 
the  Bishop  of  Lincoln  at  nine. 

902.  Burnet  relates  that  the  Habeas  Corpus  Act  was 
carried  by  an  odd  artifice  in  the  House  of  Lords.  Lords 
Grey  and  Norris  being  named  the  tellers,  and  Lord  ]^or- 


183 


ris  being  subject  to  vapours,  was  not  at  all  times  atten- 
tive ;  on  a  very  fat  lord  passing,  Lord  Grey  counted  hira 
as  ten,  as  a  jest  at  first,  but  seeing  Lord  Norris  had  not 
observed  it,  he  went  on,  and  it  was  reported  to  the 
house,  and  it  was  declared,  that  they  who  were  for  the 
bill,  were  the  majority,  though  it  was  really  on  the  other 
side ;  and  by  this  means  the  bill  was  passed.  Would 
that  all  tricks  had  the  same  happy  results  ! 

903.  The  late  Bonnel  Thornton,  like  most  wits,  was  a 
lover  of  conviviality,  which  frequently  led  him  to  spend 
the  whole  night  in  company,  and  all  the  next  morning  in 
bed.  On  one  of  these  occasions,  an  old  female  relation, 
having  Avaited  on  him  before  he  had  risen,  began  to  read 
him  a  familiar  lecture  on  prudence  ;  whicli  she  concluded 
by  saying.  Ah  !  Bonnel,  Bonnel !  I  see  plainly  that  you'll 
shorten  your  days.  Veiy  true.  Madam,  replied  he,  but, 
by  the  same  rule,  you  must  admit  that  I  shall  lengthen 
my  nights. 

904.  An  attorney,  who  was  much  molested  by  a  fellow 
importuning  him  to  bestow  something,  threatened  to 
have  him  taken  up  as  a  common  beggar.  A  beggar!  ex- 
claimed the  man,  I  would  have  you  to  know  that  I  am 
of  the  same  profession  as  yourself;  are  we  not  both  so- 
licitors ?  That  may  be,  friend,  yet  there  is  this  differ- 
ence— you  are  not  a  legal  one,  which  I  am. 

905.  Two  Oxonians  dining  together,  one  of  them  no- 
ticing a  spot  of  grease  on  the  neckcloth  of  his  compan- 
ion, said,  I  see  you  are  a  Grecian.  Pooh !  said  the  other, 
that's  far-fetched.  No,  indeed,  said  the  punster,  I  made 
it  on  the  spot. 

906.  Foote  being  in  comj^any,  and  the  Tuscan  grape 
producing  more  riot  than  concord,  he  observed  one 
gentleman  so  far  gone  in  debate  as  to  throw  the  bottle 
at  liis  antagonist's  head  ;  upon  which,  catching  the  mis- 
sile in  his  hand,  he  restored  the  harmony  of  the  com- 
pany, by  observing,  that  if  the  bottle  was  passed  so 
quickly,  not  one  of  them  would  be  able  to  stand  out  the 
evening. 


184 


907.  On  Mr.  H.  Erskine's  receiving  his  appointment 
to  succeed  Mr.  Dundas,  as  justiciary  in  Scotland,  he  ex- 
claimed that  he  must  go  and  order  his  silk  robe.  Never 
mind,  said  Mr.  Dundas,  for  the  short  time  you  will  want 
it,  you  had  better  borrow  mine  !  Xo  !  replied  Erskine, 
how  short  a  time  soever  I  may  need  it,  heaven  forbid 
that  I  commence  my  career  by  adopting  the  abandoned 
habits  of  my  predecessor. 

908.  Lord  Mansfield  being  willing  to  save  a  man  who 
stole  a  watch,  desired  the  jury  to  value  it  at  tenpence ; 
upon  which  the  prosecutor  cried  out,  Tenpence,  my  lord ! 
why  the  very  fashion  of  it  cost  me  five  pounds.  Oh,  said 
his  lordship,  we  must  not  hang  a  man  for  fashion's  sake. 

909.  One  morning  a  party  came  into  the  public  rooms 
at  Buxton,  somewhat  later  than  usual,  and  requested 
some  tongue.  They  were  told  that  Lord  Byron  had 
eaten  it  all.  I  am  very  angry  with  his  lordship,  said  a 
lady,  loud  enough  for  him  to  hear  the  observation.  I  am 
sorry  for  it,  madam,  retorted  Lord  Byron ;  but  before  I 
ate  the  tongue,  I  was  assured  you  did  not  want  it. 

910.  Sir  William  Gooch  being  engaged  in  conversation 
with  a  gentleman  in  a  street  of  the  city  of  Williams- 
burgh,  returned  the  salute  of  a  negro,  who  Avas  passing 
by  about  his  master's  business.  Sir  William,  said  the 
gentleman,  do  you  descend  so  far  as  to  salute  a  slave  ? 
Why,  yes,  replied  the  governor ;  I  cannot  suifer  a  man 
of  his  condition  to  exceed  me  in  good  manners. 

911.  A  learned  L-ish  Judge,  among  other  peculiarities, 
has  a  habit  of  begging  pardon  on  every  occasion.  On 
his  circuit,  a  short  time  since,  his  favourite  expression 
was  employed^  in  a  singular  manner.  At  the  close  of  the 
assize,  as  he  was  about  to  leave  the  bench,  the  officer  of 
the  court  reminded  him  that  he  had  not  passed  sentence 
on  one  of  the  criminals,  as  he  had  intended — Dear  me  ! 
said  his  lordship,  I  really  beg  his  pardon — bring  him  in. 

912.  Dr.  Parr  and  Lord  Erskine  are  said  to  have  been 
the  vainest  men  of  their  time.  At  dinner,  some  years 
since,  Dr.  Parr,  in  ecstasy  with  the  conversational  pow- 


185 

ers  of  Lord  E.,  called  out  to  him,  My  lord,  I  mean,  to 
write  your  epitapli.  Dr.  Parr,  replied  the  noble  lawyer, 
it  is  a  temptation  to  commit  suicide. 

913.  Gibbon  the  historian,  notwithstanding  his  short- 
ness and  rotundity,  Avas  very  gallant.  One  day  being 
alone  with  Madame  de  Cronuas,  Gibbon  wished  to  seize 
the  flivourable  moment,  and  suddenly  dropping  on  his 
knees,  he  declared  his  love  in  the  most  passionate  terms. 
Madame  de  Cronuas  replied  in  a  tone  to  prevent  the  re- 
petition of  such  a  scene.  Gibbon  was  thunder-struck, 
but  still  remained  on  his  knees,  though  frequently  desir- 
ed to  get  up  and  resume  his  seat.  Sir,  said  Madame  de 
Cronuas,  will  you  have  the  goodness  to  rise  ?  Alas,  ma- 
dam, replied  the  unhappy  lover,  I  cannot — (his  size  pre- 
vented him  from  rising  without  assistance) — upon  this 
Madame  de  Cronuas  rang  the  bell,  saying  to  the  servant, 
Assist  Mr.  Gibbon  up. 

914.  An  Irishman,  who  served  on  board  a  man-of-war 
in  the  capacity  of  a  waister,  Avas  selected  by  one  of  the 
officers  to  haul  in  a  tow-line,  of  considerable  length,  that 
Avas  toAving  over  the  tatfrail.  After  rowsing-in  forty  or 
fifty  fathoms,  Avhich  had  put  his  patience  severely  to 
proof,  as  Avell  as  every  muscle  of  his  arms,  he  muttered 
to  himself.  By  my  soul,  it's  as  long  as  to-day  and  to- 
morroAV  ! — It's  a  good  Aveek's  Avork  for  any  five  in  the 
ship  ! — Bad  luck  to  the  arm  or  leg  it'll  lave  me  at  last ! — 
What !  more  of  it  yet ! — Och,  murder  ;  the  sa's  mighty 
deep,  to  be  sure !  When,  after  continuing  in  a  similar 
strain,  and  conceiving  there  Avas  little  probability  of  the 
completion  of  the  labour,  he  stopped  suddenly  short,  and 
addressing  the  officer  of  the  Avatch,  exclaimed.  Bad  man- 
ners to  me  sir,  if  I  don't  think  somebody's  cut  off  the 
other  end  of  it ! 

915.  Rose,  priA^ate  secretary  to  Louis  XIV.,  having 
married  his  daughter  to  M.  Portail,  president  of  the  par- 
liament, Avas  constantly  receiving  from  his  son-in-laAV, 
complaints  of  his  daughter's  ill  temper.  To  one  of  these 
he  at  length  answered,  thatr  he  Avas  fully  convinced  of  her 
misconduct,  and  Avas  resolved  to  punish  her  for  it ;  in 


short,  that  if  he  heard  any  more  of  it,  he  would  disin- 
licrit  her.     He  heard  no  more. 

916.  It  was  some  years  ago  said  in  the  parliament- 
liouse  at  Edinburgh,  that  a  gentleman  Avho  was  notori- 
ous for  a  pretty  good  appetite,  had  eaten  away  his 
senses.  Poh !  replied  Erskine,  they  would  not  be  a 
mouthful  to  a  man  of  his  bowels. 

917.  Sir  Watkin  Williams  Wynne  talking  to  a  friend 
about  the  antiquity  of  his  family,  which  he  carried  up  to 
Noah,  was  told  that  he  was  a  mere  mushroom  of  yester- 
day. How  so,  pray  ?  said  the  baronet.  Why  continued 
the  other,  when  I  was  in  Wales,  a  pedigree  of  a  parti- 
cular family  was  shown  to  me  :  it  filled  up  above  five 
large  skins  of  j^archment,  and  near  the  middle  of  it  was 
a  note  in  the  margin — About  this  time  the  world  was 
created. 

918.  A  gentleman  having  occasion  to  call  upon  Mr. 
Joseph  Graham,  writer,  found  him  at  home  in  his  writ- 
ing chamber.  He  remarked  the  great  heat  of  the  apart- 
ment, and  said.  It  was  hot  as  an  oven.  So  it  ouglit,  re- 
plied Mr.  G.,  for  'tis  here  I  make  my  bread. 

919.  Judge  Burnet,  son  of  the  famous  Bishop  of  Salis- 
bury, when  young,  is  said  to  have  been  of  a  wild  and 
dissipated  turn.  Being  one  day  found  by  his  fatlier  in 
a  very  serious  humour,  \Vhat  is  the  matter  with  you, 
Tom  ?  said  the  bishop  ;  what  are  you  ruminating  on  ? 
A  greater  work  than  your  Lordship's  History  of  the  Re- 
formation, answered  the  son.  Ay!  what  is  that?  asked 
the  father.  The  reformation  of  myself,  my  lord,  replied 
the  son. 

920.  A  facetious  abbe  having  engaged  a  box  at  the 
opera-house  at  Paris,  was  turned  out  of  his  possession 
by  a  marshal  of  France,  as  remarkable  for  his  imgentle- 
manlike  behaviour  as  for  liis  cowardice  and  meanness. 
The  abbe,  for  his  unjustifiable  breach  of  good  manners, 
brought  his  action  in  a  court  of  honour,  and  solicited 
permission  to  be  his  own  advocate,  wliich  was  granted, 
when  he  pleaded  to  the  following  efiect : — It  is  not  of 


JOE   MILLER'S   JESTS.  187 

Monsieur  Siiffrein,  who  acted  so  nobly  in  the  East  Indies, 
that  I  complain  ;  it  is  not  of  the  Duke  de  Crebillon,  who 
took  Minorca,  that  I  comphiin  ;  it  is  not  of  the  Comte 
de  Grasse,  Avho  so  bravely  fought  Lord  Rodney,  that  I 

complain  ;  but  it  is  of  Marshal ,  who  took  my  box 

at  the  opera-house,  and  never  took  anything  else.  This 
most  23oignant  stroke  of  satire  so  sensibly  convinced  the 
court  that  he  had  already  inflicted  punishment  sufficient, 
that  they  refused  to  grant  him  a  verdict — a  fine  compli- 
ment to  the  abbe's  wit. 

921.  Frederic,  conqueror  as  he  was,  sustained  a  severe 
defeat  at  Coslin  in  the  war  of  1755.  Some  time  after,  at 
a  review,  he  jocosely  asked  a  soldier,  who  had  got  a  deep 
cut  in  his  cheek.  Friend,  at  what  alehouse  did  you  get 
that  scratch  ?  I  got  it,  said  the  soldier,  at  Coslin,  where 
your  majesty  paid  the  reckoning. 

922.  During  an  action  of  Admiral  Rodney  with  the 
French,  a  woman  assisted  at  one  of  the  guns  on  the  main 
deck,  and  being  asked  by  the  admiral,  what  she  did 
there  ?  she  replied,  An't  please  your  honour,  my  hus- 
band is  sent  down  to  the  cockpit  wounded,  and  I  am 
here  to  supply  his  place  :  do  you  think,  your  honour,  I 
am  afraid  of  the  French  ? 

923.  The  celebrated  Bubb  Doddington  was  very  lethar- 
gic. Falling  asleep  one  day  after  dinner  with  Sir  Rich- 
ard Temple  and  Lord  Cobham,  the  general,  the  latter 
reproached  Doddington  with  his  drowsiness.  Dodding- 
ton denied  having  been  asleep  ;  and  to  prove  he  had  not, 
offered  to  repeat  all  Lord  Cobham  had  been  saying. 
Cobham  challenged  him  to  do  so.  Doddington  repeat- 
ed a  story,  and  Lord  Cobham  owned  he  had  been  telling 
it.  And  yet,  said  Doddington,  I  did  not  hear  a  word  of 
it ;  but  I  went  to  sleep  because  I  knew  that  about  this 
time  you  would  tell  that  story. 

924.  When  the  late  Duchess  of  Kingston  wished  to  be 
received  at  the  court  of  Berlin,  she  got  the  Russian  min- 
ister there  to  mention  her  intention  to  his  Prussian 
majesty,  and  to  tell  him  at  the  same  time,  that  her  for- 
tune was  at  Rome,  her  bank  at  Venice,  but  that  her 


188  JOE  miller's  jests. 

heart  was  at  Berlin.  The  king  replied,  I  am  sorry  we 
ai-e  only  intrusted  with  the  woi'st  part  of  her  grace's  pro- 
perty. 

925.  Fletcher,  Bishop  of  ISTismes,  was  the  son  of  a  tal- 
low-chandler. A  proud  duke  once  endeavoured  to  inor- 
tif}''  the  prelate,  by  saying,  at  the  levee,  that  he  smelt  of 
tallow  :  to  which  the  bishop  replied.  My  lord,  I  am  the 
son  of  a  chandler,  it  is  true,  and  if  your  lordship  had 
been,  you  would  have  remained  so  all  the  days  of  your 
life. 

926.  Zimmerman,  who  was  very  eminent  as  a  physi- 
cian, went  from  Hanover  to  attend  Frederic  the  Great 
in  his  last  illness.  One  day  the  king  said  to  him.  You 
have,  I  presume,  sir,  helped  many  a  man  into  another 
world  ?  This  was  a  rude  speech,  and  an  unpleasant  pill 
for  the  doctor  ;  but  the  dose  he  gave  the  king  in  return, 
was  a  judicious  mixture  of  truth  and  flattery :  Not  so 

,  many  as  your  majesty,  nor  Avith  so  much  honour  to  my- 
'    self. 

927.  During  the  riots  of  1780,  most  persons  in  Lon- 
don, in  order  to  save  their  houses  from  being  burned  or 
pulled  down,  wrote  on  the  outside,  No  Popery !  Old  Gri- 
maldi,  to  avoid  all  mistakes,  wrote  on  his,  No  Religion. 

928.  Mr.  Palmer  going  home,  after  the  business  of  the 
theatre  was  concluded  one  evening,  saw  a  man  lying  on 
the  ground,  with  another  on  him  beating  him  violently  ; 
upon  this  he  remonstrated  with  the  uppermost,  telling 
him  his  conduct  was  unfair,  and  that  he  ought  to  let  his 
opponent  get  up,  and  have  an  equal  chance  with  him. 
The  fellow  drolly  turned  up  his  face  to  Mr.  Palmer,  and 
drily  replied.  Faith,  sir,  if  you  had  been  at  as  much 

y  trouble  to  get  him  down  as  I  have,  you  would  not  be  for 
letting  him  get  up  so  readily. 

929.  A  French  ambassador  at  an  audience  with  James 
I.  conversed  with  such  rapidity,  gesticulation,  and  grim- 
ace, as  excited  the  wonder  and  conversation  of  the  court. 
James  afterwards  asked  Lord  Chancellor  Bacon,  what 
he  thought  of  the  ambassador.     Sire,  replied  the  philo- 


/- 


JOE  miller's  jests.  189 

sopher,  he  appears  a  fine,  tall,  well-built  man.  I  mean, 
interrupted  the  king,  what  do  you  think  of  his  liead  ?  is 
it  equal  to  his  employment  ?  Sire,  answered  Bacon, 
men  of  high  stature  very  often  resemble  houses  of  four 
or  five  stories,  where  the  u^^per  one  is  always  the  worst 
furnished. 

930.  In  Mr.  Fox's  frolicsome  days,  a  tradesman,  who 
held  his  bill  for  two  hundred  pounds,  called  for  payment. 
Charles  said  he  could  not  then  discharge  it.  How  can 
that  be  ?  said  the  creditor ;  you  have  just  now  lying  be- 
fore you  bank  notes  to  a  large  amount.  Those,  replied 
Mr.  Fox,  are  for  paying  my  debts  of  honour.  The  trades- 
man immediately  threw  his  bill  into  the  fire.  I*^ow,  sir, 
said  he,  mine  is  a  debt  of  honour,  which  I  cannot  oblige 
you  to  pay.  Charles,  much  to  his  honour,  instantly  paid 
him  his  full  demand. 

931.  The  Duke  d'Ossuna,  being  viceroy  of  Xaples, 
Avent  on  board  a  Spanish  galley,  on  a  festival,  to  exercise 
his  right  of  delivering  one  of  the  wretches  from  punish- 
ment. On  interrogating  them  why  they  were  brought 
there,  they  all  asserted  their  innocence  but  one,  who  con- 
fessed that  his  punishment  was  too  small  for  his  crimes. 
The  duke  said.  Here,  take  away  this  rascal,  lest  he  should 
corrupt  all  these  honest  men  ! 

932.  V —  having  satirized  a  nobleman  who  was  power- 
ful at  court,  the  latter  sought  every  occasion  to  revenge 
himself,  and  challenged  V —  to  fight  him  with  swords. 
We  are  not  equals,  replied  the  poet ;  you  are  very  great, 
I  am  little  ;  you  are  brave,  I  am  cowardly ;  you  wish  to 
kill  me — eh  hien^  I  will  consider  myself  as  dead.  This 
timely  jest  turned  the  anger  of  the  nobleman  into  irre- 
strainable  laughter,  and  they  parted  good  friends. 

933.  In  the  time  of  the  old  court,  the  faces  of  the  Pa- 
risian ladies  were  spotted  with  patches  like  pards,  and 
plastered  with  rouge  like  so  many  red  lions  of  the*  road- 
side. Lord  Chesterfield,  being  at  Paris,  was  asked  by 
Voltaire,  if  he  did  not  think  some  French  ladies,  then  in 
company,  whose  cheeks  were  fashionably  tinted,  very 


190  JOE   MILLERS    JESTS. 

beautiful.     Excuse  me,  said  Chesterfield,  from  giving  an 
opinion  :  I  am  really  no  judge  of  amateur  painting. 

934.  George  II.  passing  through  his  chamber  one  even- 
ing, preceded  by  a  single  page,  a  sinall  canvas  bag  of 
guineas,  which  he  held  in  his  hand,  accidentally  dropped, 
and  one  of  them  rolled  under  a  closet  door,  in  which 
wood  was  usually  kept  for  the  use  of  his  bed-chamber. 
After  the  king  had  very  deliberately  picked  up  the 
money,  he  found  himself  deficient  of  a  guinea  ;  and, 
guessing  where  it  went.  Come,  said  he  to  the  page,  we 
must  find  this  guinea  ;  here,  help  me  to  throw  out  the 
wood.  The  page  and  he  accordingly  went  to  work,  and 
after  some  time  found  it.  Well,  said  the  king,  you  have 
wrought  hard,  there  is  the  guinea  for  your  labour,  but  I 
would  have  nothing  lost. 

935.  A  beauish  marquis  waited  on  some  hxdies,  m 
order  to  take  them  to  the  Paris  Observatory,  where  the 
celebrated  Cassini  was  to  observe  an  eclipse  of  the  sun. 
The  arrival  of  this  party  had  been  delayed  by  the  toilet ; 
and  the  eclipse  was  over  when  the  petit-maitre  appeared 
at  the  door.  He  was  informed  he  had  come  too  late, 
and  that  all  was  over.  Never  mind,  ladies,  said  he,  step 
up  ;  Monsieur  Cassini  is  a  particular  friend  of  mine ;  he 
will  be  so  obliging  as  to  begin  again  for  me. 

938.  When  Rabelais  was  on  his  dearth-bed,  a  consulta- 
tion of  physicians  was  called.  Dear  gentlemen,  said  the 
Avit  to  the  doctors,  raising  his  languid  head,  let  me  die  a 
natural  death. 

937.  Dr.  Busby,  whose  figure  was  beneath  the  com- 
mon size,  was  one  day  accosted  in  a  j^ublic  coffee-room, 
by  an  Irish  baronet  of  colossal  stature,  with,  May  I  pass 
to  my  seat,  O  Giant  ?  When  the  doctor,  politely  making 
way,  replied.  Pass,  O  Pigmy !  Oh,  sir,  said  the  baronet, 
my  expression  alluded  to  the  size  of  your  intellect.  And 
my  expression,  sir,  said  the  doctor,  to  the  size  of  your's. 

938.  An  apothecary,  who  used  to  value  himself  on  his 
knowledge  of  drugs,  asserted  that  all  bitter  things  were 


JOE  miller's  jests.  191 

hot.  No,  said  a  gentleman  present,  there  is  one  of  a  very 
diiferent  quality — a  bitter  cold  day. 

939.  Philip,  Earl  Stanhope,  whose  dress  always  cor- 
responded with  the  simplicity  of  his  manners,  was  once 
prevented  from  going  into  the  House  of  Peers  by  a  door- 
keeper who  was  unacquainted  with  his  person.  Lord 
Stanhope  was  resolved  to  get  into  the  house  without  ex- 
plaining who  he  was  ;  and  the  door-keeper,  equally  de- 
termined on  his  part,  said  to  him.  Honest  man,  you  have 
no  business  here ;  honest  man,  you  can  have  no  business 
in  this  place.  I  believe,  rejoined  his  lordship,  you  are 
right ;  honest  men  have  no  business  here. 

940.  When  the  late  King  of  Denmark  was  in  England, 
he  very  frequently  honoured  Sir  Thomas  Robinson  witii 
his  company,  though  the  knight  spoke  French  in  a  very 
imperfect  manner,  and  the  king  had  scarce  any  know- 
ledge of  English.  One  day,  when  Sir  Thomas  was  in  com- 
pany with  the  late  Lord  Chesterfield,  and  boasted  much 
of  his  intimacy  with  the  king,  and  added,  tliat  lie  believ- 
ed the  monarch  had  a  greater  friendship  for  him  than  any 
man  in  England,  How  report  lies,  exclaimed  Lord  Ches- 
terfield ;  I  heard  no  later  than  this  day,  that  you  never 
met  but  a  great  deal  of  bad  language  passed  between 
you. 

941.  One  of  the  most  flattering  and  ingenious  compli- 
ments Frederick  ever  paid,  was  that  which  he  addressed 
to  the  celebrated  General  Laudohn,  at  the  time  of  his  in- 
teiwiew  with  the  emperor  at  the  camp  of  Neiss.  After 
they  had  discoursed  for  about  an  hour,  the  two  monarchs 
sat  down  to  dinner,  with  the  princes  and  general  officers 
in  their  train.  Marshal  Laudohn,  who  had  been  invited 
among  the  rest,  was  about  to  seat  himself  at  the  bottom 
of  the  table,  but  the  king  bade  him  come  and  sit  by  him, 
saying,  Come  here.  General  Laudohn  ;  I  have  always 
wished  to  see  you  on  my  side,  instead  of  fronting  me. 

942.  Dr.  Walcot,  better  known  as  Peter  Pindar,  call- 
ed one  day  upon  a  bookseller  in  Paternoster  Row,  the 
publisher  of  his  works,  by  way  of  inquiring  into  the 
literary  and  other  news  of  the  day.     After  some  chat, 


192  JOE  millek's  jests. 

the  doctor  was  asked  to  take  a  glass  of  wine  with  the 
seller  of  his  wit  and  poetry.  Our  author  consented  to 
accept  of  a  little  negus  as  an  innocent  morning  beverage  ; 
when  instantly  was  presented  to  him  a  cocoa-nut  goblet, 
with  the  face  of  a  man  carved  on  it.  Eh  !  eh  !  said  the 
doctor,  what  have  we  here  ?  A  man's  skull,  replied  the 
bookseller ;  a  poet's  for  what  I  know.  Nothing  more 
likely,  rejoined  the  facetious  doctor,  for  it  is  universally 
known  that  all  you  booksellers  drink  your  wine  from  our 
skulls. 

943.  A  gentleman  who  was  dining  with  another,  prais- 
ed very  much  the  meat,  and  asked  who  was  the  butcher? 
His  name  is  Addison.  Addison  !  echoed  the  guest,  pray 
is  he  any  relation  to  the  poet  ?  In  all  probability  he  is, 
for  he  is  seldom  without  his  steel  (Steele)  by  his  side. 

944.  Swift  having  paid  a  visit  at  Sir  Arthur  Acheson's 
country  seat,  and  being,  on  the  morning  of  his  return  to 
his  deanery,  detained  a  few  minutes  longer  than  he  ex- 
pected at  his  breakfast,  found,  when  he  came  to  the  door, 
his  own  man  on  horseback,  and  a  servant  of  Sir  Arthur's 
holding  the  horse  he  was  to  ride  himself.  He  mounted, 
turned  the  head  of  his  horse  towards  his  own  man,  and 
asked  him  in  a  low  voice  if  he  did  not  think  he  should 
give  something  to  the  servant  who  held  his  horse,  and  if 
he  thought  live  shillings  would  be  too  much  :  No,  sir,  it 
will  not,  if  you  mean  to  do  the  thing  handsomely,  was 
the  reply.  The  dean  made  no  remark  upon  this,  but 
when  he  paid  his  man's  weekly  account,  wrote  under  it, 
Deducted  from  this,  for  money  paid  to  Sir  Artliur's  ser- 
vant for  doing  your  business,  five  shillings. 

945.  Two  Irish  porters  meeting  in  Dublin,  one  ad- 
dressed the  other  with,  Och,  Thady,  my  jewel,  is  it  you  ? 
Are  you  just  come  from  England !  Pray  did  you  see 
anything  of  our  old  friend,  Pat  Murphy  ?  The  devil  a 
sight,  replied  he,  and  what's  worse,  I'm  afraid  I  never 
shall.  How  so  ?  Why,  he  met  with  a  very  unfortunate 
accident  lately.  Amazing  !  What  was  it  ?  O,  indeed, 
notliing  more  than  this  ;  as  he  was  standing  on  a  plank, 
talking  devoutly  to  a  priest,  at  a  place  in  London  which 


JOE  miller's  jests.  193 

I  think  tliey  call  the  Old  Bailey,  the  plank  suddenly  gave 
way,  and  poor  Murphy  got  his  neck  broke. 

946.  A  Quaker  from  Bristol,  who  late>y  alighted  at  an 
inn,  called  for  some  porter,  and  observing,  as  it  is  now 
the  fashion,  the  pint  deficient  in  quantity,  thus  addressed 
the  landlord  :  Pray,  friend,  how  many  butts  of  beer  dost 
thou  draw  in  a  month  ?  Ten,  sir,  replied  Boniface. 
And  thou  wouldst  like  to  draw  eleven  if  thou  couldst, 
rejoined  Ebenezer.  Certainly,  exclaimed  the  smiling 
landlord.  Then  I  will  tell  thee  how,  friend,  added  the 
Quaker — fill  thy  measures. 

947.  A  man  who  was  on  the  point  of  being  married, 
obtained  from  his  confessor  his  certificate  of  confession. 
Having  read  it,  he  observed  that  the  priest  had  omitted 
the  usual  penance.  Did  you  not  tell  me,  said  the  con- 
fessor, that  you  were  going  to  be  married  ? 

948.  Lord  Galloway  was  an  enemy  to  the  Bute  ad- 
ministration. At  the  change  of  the  ministry  he  came  to 
London,  for  the  first  time  in  the  late  king's  reign.  He 
was  dressed  in  black,  in  a  very  uncourtly  style.  When 
he  appeared  at  the  levee,  the  eyes  of  the  company  were 
turned  upon  him,  and  George  Selwyn  being  asked  who 
he  was,  replied,  A  Scotch  undertaker  come  to  bury  the 
last  administration. 

949.  Old  Astley,  one  evening,  when  his  band  was 
playing  an  overture,  went  up  to  the  Horn  players,  and 
asked  Avhy  they  were  not  playing  ?  They  said  they  had 
twenty  bars  rest.  Rest !  said  he,  I'll  have  nobody  rest 
in  my  company ;  I  pay  you  for  playing,  not  for  resting. 

950.  Tom  Tickle  was  peculiarly  odd  in  his  manner 
of  drawing  characters.  He  once  sent  his  servant  to  a 
gentleman,  remarkable  for  being  always  in  a  hurry,  with 
a  message  of  great  importance  ;  but  the  servant  return- 
ed, and  told  his  master  that  the  gentleman  was  in  so 
great  a  hurry  he  could  not  speak  to  him.  It  is  no  more 
than  what  I  expected,  said  Tom,  for  he  loses  an  hour  in 
the  morning,  and  runs  after  it  all  day. 

951.  As  the  late  Chevalier  Taylor  was  once  enumer- 


194  JOE   MILLER  S   JESTS. 

ating,  in  company,  the  great  honours  which  he  had  re- 
ceived from  the  ditierent  princes  of  Europe,  and  the 
orders  with  which  he  had  been  dignified  by  numerous 
sovereigns,  a  gentleman  present  took  occasion  to  remark, 
that  he  had  not  named  the  king  of  Prussia ;  adding,  I 
suppose,  sir,  that  monarch  never  gave  you  any  order ! 
You  are  quite  mistaken,  sir,  repUed  the  Chevalier ;  for  I 
can  most  positively  assure  you,  that  he  gave  me  a  very 
perem^Dtory  order — to  quit  his  dominions. 

952.  A  lady  of  rank,  dancing  one  evening,  approached 
so  near  to  a  chandelier,  that  the  fluttering  plume  of 
feathers,  waving  to  and  fro  on  her  forehead,  came  in 
contact  with  the  flame,  and  the  whole  was  instantly  in  a 
blaze.  The  illumination,  however,  was  quickly  and  hap- 
pily extinguished  without  harm ;  when  her  husband, 
seeing  the  danger  avoided,  and  the  thoughtlessness  of 
the  act,  peevishly  and  half  angrily  exclaimed.  Surely, 
your  ladyship  must  be  absolutely  mad !  No,  no,  replied 
her  ladyship,  only  a  little  light-headed. 

953.  A  poor  player,  in  a  mixed  company,  undertook 
to  quote  a  passage  from  Shakespeare,  that  should  be  ap- 
plicable to  any  remark  that  might  be  made  by  any  per- 
son present.  A  forward  young  fellow  undertook  to  sup- 
ply a  sentence  that  he  believed  could  not  be  answered 
from  the  works  of  the  bard  ;  and  addressing  the  player, 
he  said.  You  are  the  most  insolent  pretender  in  the 
room.  "  You  forget  yourself,"  jDromptly  replied  the 
player,  quoting  from  the  quarrel-scene  between  Brutus 
and  Cassius. 

954.  At  a  public  dinner,  a  gentleman  observed  a  per- 
son who  sat  opposite  use  a  toothpick  which  had  just 
done  the  same  service  to  his  neighbour.  Wishing  to 
apprise  him  of  his  mistake,  he  said,  I  beg  your  pardon, 

sir,  but  you  are  using  Mr. 's  toothpick.     I  know  I 

am.  By  the  powers,  sir,  do  you  think  I  am  not  going  to 
return  it ! 

955.  A  Leicestershire  farmer,  who  had  never  seen  a 
silver  fork,  had  some  soup  handed  to  him  at  a  dinner 
lately.   He. found  that  no  spoon  was  placed  at  his  elbow. 


JOE   MILLEK'3   JESTS.  195 

Lifting  the  fork,  and  twirling  it  in  his  fingers  for  some 
time,  he  called  the  waiter,  and  requested  him  to  bring  a 
\  silver  spoon  wi'out  ony  slits  in  it. 

956.  A  sailor  coming  across  Blackheath  one  evening, 
was  stopped  by  a  footpad,  who  demanded  his  money, 
when  a  scuffle  ensued.  The  tar  took  the  robber,  and 
bore  away  with  his  prize  to  a  justice  of  the  peace  at 
Woolwich.  When  the  magistrate  came  to  examine  into 
the  assault,  he  told  the  sailor  that  he  must  take  his  oath 
that  the  robber  had  put  him  in  bodily  fear,  otherwise  he 
could  not  commit  him.  The  sailor,  looking  stedfastly  at 
the  justice,  answered.  He, — he  put  me  in  bodily  fear ! 
No,  nor  any  he  that  ever  lived  ;  therefore,  if  that  is  the 

\  case  you  may  let  him  go,  for  I  will  not  swear  to  any 
such  thing. 

957.  A  barrister  entered  the  hall  with  his  Avig  very 
-    much  awry,  of  which  he  was  not  apprised,  but  endured 

from  almost  every  observer  some  remark  on  its  appear- 
ance, till  at  last,  addressing  himself  to  Mr.  Curran,  he 
asked  him.  Do  you  see  anything  ridiculous  in  this  wig  ? 
The  answer  instantly  was,  Nothing  but  the  head. 

958.  Sterne,  who  used  his  wife  very  ill,  was  one  day 
talking  to  Garrick  in  a  fine  sentimental  manner,  in  praise 
of  conjugal  love  and  fidelity.  The  husband,  said  Sterne, 
who  beliaves  unkindly  to  his  wife,  deserves  to  have  his 
house  burnt  over  his  head.  If  you  think  so,  said  Gar- 
rick, I  hope  your  house  is  insured. 

959.-  A  lady  after  performing,  with  the  most  brilliant 
"-  execution,  a  sonata  on  the  pianoforte,  in  the  presence  of 
Dr.  Johnson,  turning  to  the  philosopher,  took  the  liberty 
of  asking  him  if  he  w^as  fond  of  music  ?  No,  madam, 
replied  the  doctor ;  but  of  all  noises  I  think  music  is  the 
least  disagreeable. 

960.  The  Abbe  Maury,  who  had  rendered  himself  ob- 
noxious to  the  democrats,  during  the  French  revolution, 
was  one  night  seized  by  the  mob,  who  looked  round  for 
a  lamp-post  to  suspend  him  on.  Pray,  my  good  friends, 
said  the  Abbe,  were  you  to  hang  me  to  that  lamp-post, 


196  JOE  miller's  jests. 

\  do  you  think  that  you  would  see  any  the  clearer  for  it  ? 
This  well-timed  wit  softened  the  rabble  and  saved  his 
life. 

961.  Salezzo  de  Pedrada  praising  an  old  lady  for  her 
beauty,  she  answered,  that  beauty  was  incompatible  with 
her  age.    To  which  Salezzo  replied,  We  say,  as  beautiful 

•^    as  an  angel ;  and  yet  the  angels  are,  of  all  creatures,  the 
'   most  ancient. 

962.  A  French  officer  quarreling  with  a  Swiss,  re- 
proached him  with  his  country's  vice  of  fighting  on 
either  side  for  money,  while  we  Frenchmen,  said  he, 
fight  for  honour.  Yes,  sir,  replied  the  Swiss,  every  one 
fights  for  that  which  he  most  wants. 

963.  When  the  late  Mr.  Windham,  the  war  minister, 
was  upon  a  trip  to  the  continent,  he  met  with  a  Dutch 
clergyman,  who  was  very  eager  in  his  inquiries  as  to  the 
doctrines  and  discipline  of  the  church  of  England,  to 
which  he  received  satisfactory  answers;  those,  however, 
were  succeeded  by  others  of  a  more  difficult  nature, 
particularly  as  to  the  manner  in  which  some  English 
preachers  manufacture  their  sermons.  Upon  Mr.  Wind- 
ham confessing  his  ignorance  of  this  subject,  the  Dutch- 
man, in  a  tone  of  disappointment,  exclaimed.  Why,  then, 
I  find,  sir,  after  all  the  conversation  we  have  had,  that 
I  have  been  deceived  as  to  your  profession :  they  told 
me  you  were  an  English  minister. 

964.  Dr.  Savage,  who  died  in  1747,  travelled  in  his 
younger  days  with  the  Earl  of  Salisbury,  to  whom  he 
was  indebted  for  a  considerable  living  in  Hertfordshire. 
One  day  at  the  levee,  the  king  (George  I.)  asked  him 
how  long  he  liad  resided  at  Rome  with  Lord  Salisbury? 
Upon  his  telling  how  long.  Why,  said  the  king  you 
stayed  there  long  enough  ;  how  is  it  you  did  not  convert 

^   the   Pope  ?      Because,    sir,   replied   the   doctor,  I  had 
nothing  better  to  ofl:er  him. 


'& 


965.  On  the  Scotch  circuits,  the  judges  gave  dinners, 
having  an  allowance  for  that  purpose.  The  great  Lord 
Kames  was  extremely  parsimonious ;  and,  at  a  circuit 


JOE  miller's  jests.  197 

dinner  at  Perth,  did  not  allow  claret,  as  had  been  the 
custom.  The  conversation  turned  on  Sir  Charles  Hardy's 
fleet,  which  was  tlien  blockaded  by  the  French  ;  and  one 
of  the  company  asked  what  had  become  of  our  fleet. 
Mr.  Henry  Erskine  answered,  Confined,  like  us,  to  port. 

966.  M.  Lalande,  the  French  astronomer,  during  the 
whole  time  of  the  revolution,  confined  himself  to  the 
study  of  that  science.  When  he  found  that  he  had 
escaped  the  fury  of  Robespierre,  he  jocosely  said,  I  may 
thank  my  stars  for  it. 

967.  After  Dr.  Johnson  had  been  honoured  with  an 
interview  with  the  king,  in  the  queen's  library  at  Buck- 
ingham House,  he  was  interrogated  by  a  friend  concern- 
ing his  reception,  and  his  opinion  of  the  royal  intellect. 
His  majesty,  replied  the  doctor,  seems  to  be  possessed  of 
much  good-nature  and  much  curiosity,  and  is  far  from 
contemptible.     His  majesty,  indeed,  was  multifarious  in 

\  his  questions,  but  he  answered  them  all  himself. 

968.  A  common  councilman  was  hoaxed  into  an  opin- 
ion, that,  as  a  representative  of  the  citizens,  he  was  en- 
titled to  ride  through  the  turnpikes  free  of  expense.  He 
next  day  mounted  his  nag,  to  ascertain  his  civic  privi- 
leges ;  and  asked  at  the  turnpike  at  the  Dog-row,  in 
Mile-end  road,  if,  as  a  common  councilman,  he  had  not  a 
right  to  pass  without  payment  ?  Yes,  replied  the  turn- 
pike man  archly,  you  may  pass  yourself,  but  you  must  pay 
for  your  horse. 

969.  There  was  a  lady  of  the  west  country,  that  gave 
a  great  entertainment  at  her  house,  to  most  of  the 
gallant  gentlemen  thereabout,  and,  among  others.  Sir 
Walter  Raleigh.  This  lady,  though  otherwise  a  stately 
dame,  was  a  notable  good  houscAvife ;  and  in  the  morn- 
ing betimes  she  called  to  one  of  her  maids  that  looked  to 

-  the  swine,  and  asked.  Are  the  pigs  served  ?  Sir  Walter 
Raleigh's  chamber  w^as  close  to  the  lady's.  Before  din- 
ner the  lady  came  down  in  great  state  into  the  assem- 
bling-room, which  was  full  of  gentlemen,  and  as  soon  as 
Sir  Walter  cast  his  eyes  upon  her,  Madam,  are  the  pigs 


w 


\ 


198 

served  ?     The  lady  answered,  You  know  best  whetlier 
you  have  had  your  breakfast. 

970.  Joseph  II.  Emperor  of  Germany,  travelling  in 
his  usual  way,  without  his  retinue,  attended  by  only  a 
single  aide-de-camp,  arrived  very  late  at  the  house  of  an 
Englishman,  who  kept  an  inn  in  the  Netherlands.  It 
being  fair  time,  and  the  house  rather  crowded,  the  host, 
ignorant  of  his  guest's  quality,  appointed  them  to  sleep 
in  an  out-house,  which  they  readily  complied  with  ;  and, 
after  eating  a  few  slices  of  ham  and  biscuit,  retired  to 
rest,  and  in  the  morning  paid  their  bill,  which  amounted 
to  only  Ss.  Q>d.  English,  and  rode  off.  A  few  hours  after- 
wards, several  of  his  suite  coming  to  inquire  after  him, 
and  the  publican  understanding  the  rank  of  his  guest,  ap- 
peared very  uneasy.  Psha  !  psha  !  man,  said  one  of  the 
attendants,  Joseph  is  accustomed  to  such  adventures,  and 
will  think  no  more  of  it.  But  I  shall,  replied  the  land- 
lord ;  for  I  can  never  forget  the  circumstance,  nor  forgive 
myself  neither,  -for  having  had  an  emj^eror  in  my  house, 
and  letting  him  off  for  3s.  Gc?. 

971.  Some  years  ago,  says  Richardson,  in  his  Anec- 
dotes of  Painting,  a  gentleman  came  to  me  to  invite  me 
to  his  house  :  I  have,  said  he,  a  picture  of  Rubens,  and 
it  is  a  rare  good  one.  There  is  little  H.  the  other  day 
came  to  see  it,  and  said  it  was  a  copy.  If  any  one  says 
so  again,  I'll  break  his  head.  Pray,  Mr.  Richardson, 
will  you  do  me  the  favour  to  come,  and  give  me  your  real 
oj^inion  of  it  ? 

972.  A  chimney-sweep  having  descended  a  wrong 
chimney,  made  his  sudden  appearance  in  a  room  where 
two  men,  one  named  Butler  and  the  other  Cook,  were 
enjoying  themselves  over  a  pot  of  beer.  How  now, 
cried  the  former,  what  news  from  the  other  w^orld  ? 
The  sweep  perceiving  his  mistake,  and  recollecting  the 
persons,  very  smartly  replied,  I  came  to  inform  you  that 
we  are  very  much  in  want  of  a  Butler  and  Cook. 

973.  One  of  the  Dover  stages,  on  its  way  to  London, 
was  stopped  by  a  single  highwayman,  who  was  informed 
by  the  coachman  there  were  no  inside  passengers,  and 


JOE  miller's  jests.  199 

only  one  in  the  basket,  and  lie  was  a  sailor.  Tlie  robber 
then  proceeded  to  exercise  his  employment  on  the  tar  ; 
when  waking  him  out  of  his  sleep  Jack  demanded  what 
-  he  wanted  ;  to  which  the  son  of  plunder  replied,  Your 
money.  You  shan't  have  it,  said  Jack.  No  !  replied  the 
robber,  then  I'll  blow  your  brains  out.  Blow  away  then, 
you  land-lubber,  cried  Jack,  squirting  the  tobacco-juice 
out  of  his  mouth,  I  may  as  well  go  to  London  without 
^  brains  as  wdthout  money ;  drive  on,  coachman. 

974.  After  a  loud  preface  of  O  yes,  pronounced  most 
audibly  three  times,  in  the  High  Street,  Newmarket,  the 
late  Lord  Barrymore,  having  collected  a  number  of  per- 
sons together,  made  the  following  general  proposal  to 
the  gapers,  Who  wants  to  buy  a  horse  that  can  walk  five 
miles  an  hour,  trot  sixteen,  and  gallop  twenty  ?  I  do, 
said  a  gentleman,  with  manifest  eagerness.  Then,  re- 
plied Lord  Barrymore,  If  I  see  any  such  animal  to  be 

^old,  I  will  be  sure  to  let  you  know. 

975.  The  Duke  of  Longueville's  reply,  wdien  it  was 
observed  to  him  that  the  gentlemen  bordering  on  his  es- 
tates were  continually  hunting  upon  them,  and  tliat  he 
ought  not  to  suffer  it,  is  worthy  of  imitation  :  I  had  much 

V  rather,  answered  the  duke,  have  friends  than  hares. 

976.  A  gentleman  was  once  praising  the  style  of  Swift 
before  Johnson  :  the  doctor  did  not  find  himself  in  the 
humour  to  agree  with  him ;  the  critic  was  driven  from 
one  of  his  performances  to  another.  At  length,  you  must 
allow  me,  said  the  gentleman,  that  there  are  strong  facts 
in  the  account  of  the  "  Four  last  years  of  Queen  Anne." 
Yes,  surely,  replied  Johnson,  and  so  there  always  are  in 
the  Newgate  Calendar. 

977.  Johnson  made  Goldsmith  a  comical  answer  one 
day,  when  he  was  repining  at  the  success  of  Beattie's 

^  Essay  on  Ti'uth.  Here  is  such  a  stir,  said  he,  about  a 
fellow  that  has  written  one  book,  and  I  have  written 

^  many.  Ah,  doctor,  said  his  friend,  there  go  two  and 
forty  sixpences,  you  know,  to  one  guinea. 

978.  A  finished  coquette,  at  a  ball,  asked  a  gentleman 


200  JOE   MILLER'S   JESTS. 

-  near  her,  while  she  adjusted  her  tucker,  whether  he  could 
flirt  a  fan,  which  slie  lield  in  her  hand.     Xo,  madam,  an- 
\  swered  he,  proceeding  to  use  it,  but  I  can  fan  a  flirt. 

979.  A  notorious  thief,  being  to  be  tried  for  his  life, 
confessed  the  robbery  he  was  charged  with.  The  judge 
hereupon  directed  the  jury  to  find  liim  guilty  on  his  own 
confession.  The  jury  having  laid  their  heads  together, 
brought  him  in  Not  guilty.  The  judge  bid  them  con- 
sider of  it  again  ;  but  still  they  brought  in  their  verdict 
Not  guilty.  The  judge  asked  the  reason.  The  foreman 
replied.  There  is  reason  enough,  for  we  all  know  him  to 

^  be  one  of  the  greatest  liars  in  the  world. 

980.  A  notorious  culprit,  who  suftered  some  years  since 
at  Salisbury,  and  the  last  of  three  brothers  who  had  been 
executed  for  similar  oftences,  after  sentence  was  passed, 
said.  My  lord,  I  humbly  thank  you.  His  lordship,  aston- 
ished, asked  him  for  what  ?  Because,  my  lord,  I  thought 
I  should  have  been  hung  in  chains,  which  would  have 

'  been  a  disgrace  to  the  family. 

981.  Dean  Jackson,  passing  one  morning  through 
Christchurch  quadrangle,  met  some  undergraduates,  who 
walked  along  without  capping.  Tlie  dean  called  one  of 
them,  and  asked.  Do  you  know  who  I  am?  No,  sir. 
How  long  have  you  been  in  college?  Eight  days,  sir. 
Oh,  very  well,  said  the  dean,  walking  away,  puppies 
don't  open  their  eyes  till  the  ninth  day. 

982.  A  little  lawyer  appearing  as  evidence  in  one  of 

.  the  courts,  was  asked  by  a  gigantic  counsellor,  what  pro- 
fession he  was  of;  and  having  replied  that  he  was  an  at- 
torney— You  a  lawyer  !  said  Brief,  why  I  could  put  you 
in  my  pocket.  Yery  likely  you  may,  rejoined  the  other, 
and  if  you  do,  you  will  have  more  law  in  your  pocket 
than  ever  you  had  in  your  head. 

983.  When  George  Bidder,  the  calculating  phenome- 
non, was  a  very  little  boy,  he  made  the  tour  of  England 
with  his  father,  displaying  everywhere  liis  astonishing- 
power  of  combining  and  resolving  numbers.  Among 
several  very  ingenious  and  diflicult  questions  prepared 


JOE  miller's  jests.  201 

purposely  for  him,  an  ignorant  pedagogue  asked  (with- 
out furnishing  any  data),  How  many  cow's  tails  would 
reach  to  the  moon  ?  The  boy,  turning  upon  the  inquirer 
an  eye  of  considerable  archness,  answered  instantly, 
One,  if  it  were  long  enough. 

984.  Mr.  Moore  having  been  long  under  a  prosecution 
in  Doctors  Commons,  his  proctor  called  on  him  one  day 
whilst  he  was  composing  the  tragedy  of  the  Gamester. 
The  proctor  having  sat  down,  he  read  him  four  acts  of 
the  piece,  being  all  he  had  written,  by  which  the  man  of 
law  was  so  much  affected,  that  he  exclaimed.  Good  God  ! 
can  you  add  to  this  couple's  distress  in  the  last  act  ? 
Oil,  very  easily,  said  the  poet,  I  intend  to  put  them  in  the 
Ecclesiastical  Court. 

985.  Ned  Shuter  was  often  very  poor,  and  being  still 
more  negligent  than  poor,  was  careless  about  his  dress. 
A  friend  overtaking  him  one  day  in  the  street,  said  to 
him,  Why,  Ned,  are  you  not  ashamed  to  walk  the 
streets  with  twenty  holes  in  your  stockings  ?  why  don't 
you  get  them  mended  ?  No,  my  friend,  said  Ned,  I  am 
above  it ;  and  if  you  have  the  pride  of  a  gentleman,  you 
will  act  like  me,  and  walk  with  twenty  holes  rather  than 
have  one  darn.  How,  replied  the  other,  how  do  you  make 
that  out  ?  Why,  replied  Ned,  a  hole  is  the  accident  of 
the  day  ;  but  a  darn  is  premeditated  poverty. 

986.  The  w^itty  Lord  Ross,  having  spent  all  his  money 
in  London,  set  out  for  Ireland,  in  order  to  recruit  his 
purse.  On  his  way,  he  happened  to  meet  with  Sir  Mur- 
rough  O'Brien,  driving  towards  Dublin  in  a  lofty  phaeton 
with  six  prime  dun-coloured  horses.  Sir  Murrough,  ex- 
claimed his  lordship,  what  a  contrast  there  is  between 
you  and  me !  you  are  driving  your  duns  before  you,  but 
my  duns  are  driving  me  before  them. 

987.  The  high-bailiff  of  Birmingham,  attended  by  some 
officers  of  the  town,  goes  round  on  a  market-day  to  ex- 
amine the  weight  of  the  butter,  and  they  seize  all  which 
is  found  short  of  sixteen  ounces.  A  countryman,  who 
generally  stood  in  a  particular  place,  having  on  a  former 
market-day  lost  two  pounds  of  butter,  was  seen,  the  next 


202  JOE   MILLEK  S    JESTS. 

time  they  came  round,  to  laugh  heartily,  while  the  offi- 
cers were  taking  a  considerable  quantity  from  a  woman 
who  stood  near  him.  One  of  the  officers,  not  pleased 
Avith  the  fellow's  Avant  of  decorum,  particularly  in  the 
presence  of  men  vested  with  such  high  authority,  said, 
AYhat  do  you  mean  by  laughing,  fellow  ?  I  took  two 
pounds  from  you  last  week.  I'll  lay  you  a  guinea  of  it, 
said  the  countryman.  Done,  replied  the  officer ;  and  im- 
mediately put  a  guinea  into  the  hands  of  a  respectable 
tradesman,  who  was  standing  at  his  own  door.  The 
countryman  instantly  covered  it ;  and  then,  with  a  tri- 
umphant grin,  said,  Well  done,  thickhead,  if  it  had  been 
two  pounds  would  you  have  taken  it  from  me  ?  Was  it 
not  for  being  short  of  weight  that  I  lost  it  ?  The  umpire 
without  hesitation  decided  it  in  his  fxvour,  to  the  great 
mortification  of  the  humble  administrator  of  justice. 

988.  An  Irishman,  some  years  ago,  attending  the  Uni- 
versity of  Edinburgh,  waited  upon  one  of  the  most  cele- 
brated teachers  of  the  German  flute,  desiring  to  know  on 
what  terms  he  would  give  him  a  few  lessons :  the  flute- 
player  informed  him,  that  he  generally  charged  two 
guineas  for  the  first  month,  and  one  guinea  for  the  second. 
Then,  by  my  soul,  replied  the  Hibernian,  I'll  begin  the 
second  month ! 

989.  Foote  being  at  table  next  to  a  gentleman  who  had 
helped  himself  to  a  very  large  piece  of  bread  ;  he  took  it 
up  and  cut  a  piece  offi  Sir,  said  the  gentleman,  that  is 
my  bread.  I  beg  a  thousand  pardons,  sir,  said  Foote,  I 
protest  I  took  it  for  the  loaf. 

990.  The  Marquis  della  Scalas,  an  Italian  nobleman, 
having  invited  the  neighbouring  gentry  to  a  grand  enter- 
tainment, where  all  the  delicacies  of  the  season  were  pro- 
vided, some  of  the  company  arrived  very  early,  for  the 
purpose  of  paying  their  respects  to  his  excellency  :  soon 
after  Avhich,  the  major-domo,  entering  the  dining-room  in 
a  great  hurry,  told  the  marquis  that  there  was  a  fisher- 
man below,  who  had  brought  one  of  the  finest  fish  in  all 
Italy,  for  which,  however,  he  demanded  a  most  extrava- 
gant price.     Regard  not  his  price,  cried  the  marquis  j 


JOE   MILLER  S    JESTS.  203 

pay  him  the  money  directly.  So  I  would,  please  your 
highness,  but  lie  refuses  to  take  any  money.  What,  then, 
would  the  fellow  have  ?  A  hundred  strokes  of  the  strap- 
pado on  his  bare  shoulders,  my  lord ;  he  says  he  will  not 
bate  a  single  blow.  On  this,  the  Avhole  company  ran 
down  stairs,  to  see  so  singular  a  man.  A  fine  fish  !  cried 
the  marquis  ;  what  is  your  demand,  my  friend  ?  Not  a 
quatrini,  my  lord,  answered  the  fisherman;  I  will  not 
take  money  :  if  your  lordship  wishes  to  have  the  fish,  you 
must  order  me  a  hundred  lashes  of  the  strappado  on  my 
naked  back;  otherwise  I  shall  apply  elsewhere.  Rather 
than  lose  the  fish,  said  the  marquis,  we  must  e'en  let  this 
fellow  have  his  humour.  Here  !  cried  he  to  one  of  his 
grooms,  discharge  this  honest  man's  demands  :  but  don't 
lay  on  too  hard  ;  don't  hui't  the  poor  devil  very  much  ! 
The  fisherman  then  stripped,  and  the  groom  prepared  to 
execute  his  lordship's  orders.  Now,  my  friend,  said  the 
fisherman,  keep  an  exact  account,  I  beseech  you ;  for  I 
don't  desire  a  single  stroke  more  than  my  due.  The 
whole  company  were  astonished  at  the  amazing  fortitude 
with  which  the  man  submitted  to  the  operation,  till  he 
had  received  the  fiftieth  lash  ;  when,  addressing  himself 
to  the  servant.  Hold,  my  friend,  cried  the  fisherman ;  I 
have  now  had  my  full  share  of  the  price.  Your  share  ? 
exclaimed  the  marquis  ;  what  is  the  meaning  of  all  this  ? 
My  lord,  returned  the  fisherman,  I  have  a  partner,  to 
Avhom  my  honour  is  engaged,  that  he  shall  have  his  full 
half  of  whatever  I  receive  for  the  fish  ;  and  your  lordship, 
I  dare  venture  to  say,  will  by  and  by  own  that  it  would 
be  a  thousand  pities  to  defraud  him  of  a  single  stroke. 
And  pray,  honest  friend,  said  the  marquis,  who  is  this 
partner  ?  Your  porter,  my  lord,  answered  the  fisherman, 
Avho  keeps  the  outer  gate  of  the  palace,  and  refused  to 
admit  me,  unless  I  would  promise  him  half  Avhat  I  should 
obtain  for  the  fish.  Ho  !  ho  !  exclaimed  the  marquis, 
laughing  very  heartily,  by  the  blessing  of  heaven,  he  shall 
have  double  his  demand  in  full!  The  porter  was  accord- 
ingly sent  for ;  and  being  stripped  to  the  skin,  tv/o  grooms 
were  directed  to  lay  on  with  all  their  might  till  he  had 
fairly  received  what  he  was  so  well  entitled  to.     The 


204  JOE    MILLER  S   JESTS. 

marquis  then  ordered  his  steward  to  pay  the  fishermaii 
twenty  sequins  ;  desiring  him  to  call  annually  for  the  like 
sum,  as  a  recompense  for  the  friendly  service  he  had  ren- 
dered him. 

991.  Mr.  Pope  being  one  night  crossing  the  street  from 
Button's  coffee-house,  when  the  moon  occasionally  peeped 
through  a  cloud,  was  accosted  by  a  link-boy  with,  Light, 
your  honour !  light,  your  honour !  He  repeatedly  ex- 
claimed, I  do  not  want  you.  But  the  lad  still  following 
him,  he  jDeevishly  cried  out.  Get  about  your  business: 
God  mend  me  !  I  will  not  give  you  a  farthing ;  it's  light 
enough.  It's  light  enough,  echoed  the  lad,  what's  light 
enough?  your  head  or  your  pocket?  God  mend  you, 
indeed  !  it  would  be  easier  to  make  two  men,  than  mend 
one  such  as  you. 

992.  A  fellow,  w^alking  down  Holborn  Hill  on  a  sultry 
summer  evening,  observed  an  old  gentleman,  without  his 
hat,  panting  and  leaning  upon  a  post,  and  courteously 
asked  him  what  was  the  matter  ?  Sir,  said  the  old  man, 
an  impudent  puppy  has  just  snatched  my  hat  off,  and  run 
avv^ay  with  it:  I  have  run  after  him  until  I  have  quite  lost 
my  breath,  and  cannot,  if  my  life  depended  on  it,  go  a 
step  farther.  What,  not  a  step  ?  said  the  fellow.  Not  a 
step,  returned  he.  Why  then,  by  Jupiter,  I  must  have 
your  wig ;  and  snatching  off  his  fine  flowing  caxon,  the 
thief  was  out  of  sight  in  a  minute. 

993.  Two  tars,  just  landed,  w^ent  to  see  an  old  ac- 
quaintance, w^ho  kept  what  they  humorously  called  a 
grog-shop,  in  a  village  near  Portsmouth,  the  sign  of  the 
Angel.  On  their  entering  the  place,  they  stared  about 
for  the  wished-for  sign.  There  it  is !  said  one.  Why, 
you  fool,  replied  the  other,  that's  a  peacock.  Who  do 
you  call  fool  ?  retorted  Ben ;  how  the  devil  should  I 
know  the  difference,  when  I  never  saw  an  angel  in  my 
life? 

994.  The  late  Colonel  O'Kelly,  well  known  to  all  the 
lovers  of  the  turf,  having,  at  a  Newmarket  meeting,  pro- 
posed a  considerable  wager  to  a  gentleman  who,  it  seems, 
had  no  knowledge  of  him ;  the  stranger,  suspecting  the 


205 

challenge  came  from  one  of  the  black-legged  fraternity, 
begged  to  know  what  security  he  would  give  for  so  large 
a  sum  if  he  should  lose,  and  where  his  estates  lay.  O  ! 
the  dear  craters,  I  liave  the  map  of  them  about  me,  and 
here  it  is,  sure  enough,  said  CKelly,  pulling  out  a  pock- 
et-book, and  giving  unequivocal  proofs  of  his  property, 
by  producing  bank-notes  to  a  considerable  amount. 

995.  After  a  successful  attack  on  the  royal  party  in 
1745,  a  liiglander  gained  a  watch  as  his  share  of  the 
plunder.  Unacquainted  with  its  use,  he  listened  with 
equal  surprise  and  pleasure  to  the  ticking  sound  with 
which  his  new  acquisition  amused  him  ;  after  a  few  hours, 
however,  the  Avatch  was  down,  the  noise  ceased,  and  the 
dispirited  owner,  looking  on  the  toy  no  longer  with  sat- 
isfaction, determined  to  conceal  the  misfortune  which  had 
befallen  it,  and  to  dispose  of  it  to  the  first  person  who 
should  offer  him  a  trilie  in  exchange.  He  soon  met  with 
a  customer,  but  at  parting  he  could  not  help  exclaiming, 
Why,  she  died  last  night. 

996.  When  Mr.  Penn,  the  proprietor  of  Pennsylvania, 
and  the  most  considerable  man  among  the  Quakers,  went 
to  court  to  pay  his  respects  to  Charles  II.,  that  merry 
monarch,  observing  the  Quaker  not  to  lower  his  beaver, 
took  off  his  own  hat,  and  stood  uncovered  before  Penn, 
who  said.  Prithee,  friend  Charles,  put  on  thy  hat.  ISTo, 
friend  Penn,  said  the  king,  it  is  usual  for  only  one  man  to 
stand  covered  here. 

997.  A  person  had  been  relating  many  incredible  sto- 
ries when  Professor  Engel,  who  was  present,  in  order  to 
repress  his  impertinence,  said,  But,  gentlemen,  all  this 
amounts  to  but  ^'ery  little,  Avhen  I  can  assure  you  that 
the  celebrated  organist.  Abbe  Yogler,  once  imitated  a 
thunder-storm  so  well,  that  for  miles  round  all  the  milk 
turned  sour. 

998.  The  late  Bishop  of  Worcester,  Dr.  Hough,  was 
remarkable  for  sweetness  of  temper,  as  well  as  every 
other  christian  virtue ;  of  which  the  following  story  af- 
fords a  proof: — A  young  gentleman,  whose  fxmily  had 
been  well  acquainted  with  the  bishop,  in  making  the  tour 


206  JOE  miller's  jests. 

of  England  before  he  went  abroad,  called  to  pay  his  re- 
spects to  his  lordship  as  he  passed  by  his  seat  in  the 
country.  It  happened  to  be  at  dinner  time,  and  the 
room  full  of  company.  The  bishop,  however,  received 
him  Avith  much  flimiliarity ;  but  the  servant  in  reaching 
him  a  chair,  threw  down  a  curious  weather-glass  that 
had  cost  twenty  guineas,  and  broke  it.  The  gentleman 
was  under  infinite  concern,  and  began  to  make  an  apolo- 
gy for  being  liimself  the  occasion  of  the  accident,  when 
the  bishop  with  great  good  nature  interrupted  him.  Be 
under  no  concern,  sir,  said  his  lordship,  smiling,  for  I  am 
much  beholden  to  you  for  it :  we  have  had  a  very  dry 
season ;  and  now  I  hope  we  shall  have  rain,  as  I  never 
saw  the  glass  so  low  in  my  life.  Every  one  was  pleased 
with  the  humour  and  pleasantry  of  the  turn. 

999.  Dr.  Johnson  was  observed  by  a  musical  friend  of 
his  to  be  extremely  inattentive  at  a  concert,  whilst  a  cele- 
brated solo  player  was  running  up  the  divisions  and  sub- 
divisions of  notes  upon  his  violin.  His  friend,  to  induce 
liim  to  take  greater  notice  of  what  Avas  going  on,  told 
him  how  extremely  difficult  it  was.  Difficult,  is  it,  sir! 
replied  the  doctor  ;  I  wish  it  were  impossible. 

1000.  An  American  general  was  once  in  company 
where  there  were  some  few  Scotch.  After  supper,  when 
the  wine  was  served  up,  the  general  rose  and  addressed 
tlie  company  in  the  following  words  : — Gentlemen,  I  must 
inform  you,  that  wlien  I  get  a  little  groggish,  I  have  an 
absurd  custom  of  railing  against  the  Scotch ;  I  hope  no 
gentleman  in  company  will  take  it  amiss.  With  this  he 
sat  down.  Up  started  M ,  a  Scotch  officer,  and  with- 
out seeming  the  least  displeased,  said.  Gentlemen,  I,  when 
I  am  a  little  groggish,  and  hear  any  person  railing  against 
tlie  Scotch,  have  an  absurd  custom  of  kicking  him  out 
of  the  company ;  I  hope  no  gentleman  will  take  it  amiss. 
It  is  hardly  necessary  to  add,  that,  that  night,  he  had  no 
occasion  to  exert  his  talents. 

1001.  The  father  of  a  late  Lord  Hardwicke  was  hanged 
for  forgery.  When  Lord  H.  sat  as  chancellor,  an  old 
countryman  was  examined  as  to  a  particular  fact,  the 


JOE  miller's  jests.  207 

exact  date  of  whicji  he  could  not  recollect.  All  that  I 
remember  about  it,  said  he,  is,  that  it  happened  on  the 
day  old  Yorke  was  hanged. 

1002.  A  theatrical  lady,  celebrated  for  everything  but 
continence,  at  length  resolved  to  marry  and  reform.  Her 
conduct  was  duly  canvassed  in  the  dressing-rooms  of 
the  theatres.  I  am  told,  cried  one,  that  she  confessed  to 
her  liege  lord  all  her  amours.  What  a  proof  of  courage  ! 
exclaimed  one  lady.  What  an  extraordinary  instance 
of  candour !  said  another.  What  an  amazing  instance 
of  memory  !  cried  a  third. 

1003.  Elliston  had  many  friends  and  some  relations  in 
the  church.  Visiting  one  of  the  latter,  who  had  some 
occasion  to  call  upon  his  clerk,  who  Avas  also  the  town 
crier,  Elliston  accompanied  his  friend ;  the  crier  was 
from  home,  and  whilst  the  reverend  gentleman  explained 
to  the  man's  wife  the  nature  of  his  visit,  Elliston  looked 
over  two  or  three  things  that  had  been  left  to  be  cried 
that  evening,  amongst  others,  one  was  of  a  dog  lost,  who, 
amid  his  peculiar  spots  and  blemishes,  had  "  sore  eyes  ;  " 
Elliston  always  alive  for  a  joke,  altered  the  word  sore  to 
four.  The  crier  came  home,  took  up  the  several  notices 
and  commenced  his  round,  enunciating  in  sonorous  tones, 
Lost  a  black  and  tan  coloured  terrier,  and  answers  to  the 
name  of  Carlo ;  has  two  black  legs  and  four  eyes.  You 
vagabond,  cried  the  traveller  to  whom  the  dog  belonged, 
how  do  you  think  I  shall  ever  get  my  dog,  if  you  de- 
scribe it  in  that  way  ?  The  crier  maintained  that  it  was 
according  to  the  original,  and,  upon  examination,  it  was 
evident  the  paper  had  been  tampered  with.  Home  went 
the  crier,  boiling  with  indignation  ;  his  wife  had  informed 
him  of  the  call  of  his  reverend  employer,  but  had  said 
nothing  about  his  companion,  and  therefore  no  doubt  re- 
mained on  the  clerk's  mind,  that  his  reverend  master 
himself  had  played  the  trick.  He  awaited  patiently  until 
Sunday  for  his  revenge,  and  before  he  took  his  seat  in  the 
clerk's  pew,  removed  the  book  of  St.  John  from  the  New 
Testament.  The  clergyman  gave  out  the  lesson,  as  the 
2nd  chapter  of  St.  John,  (the  clerk  had  previously  known 
it  was  to  be  selected  from  thence,)  and  then  began  to 


208  JOE  miller's  jests. 

look  in  vain  for  the  book  in  question ;  at  last  he  whis- 
pered to  the  clerk,  What  has  become  of  St.  John  ?  He 
can't  come,  was  the  reply,  he  has  got  sore  eyes. 

1004.  Dr.  Carpue  always  gave  it  as  his  opinion,  that 
Mathews,  the  comedian,  had  exi^erienced  improper  treat- 
ment at  the  time  of  liis  accident,  and  that  had  he  been  in 
judicious  hands,  he  would  not  have  been  lame.  Some 
one  speaking  upon  tliis  subject  to  R — ,  said,  I  understand 
Mathews  means  to  leave  his  broken  leg  to  Carpue  when 
he  dies.  The  devil  he  does  !  said  R, —  ;  well,  for  my  part, 
I  should  be  sorry  to  have  such  a  leg-as-he  (legacy). 

1005.  The  Bishop  of  Ermeland  lost  a  great  portion  of 
his  revenues,  in  consequence  of  the  occupation  of  2:)art  of 
Poland  by  the  King  of  Prussia.  Soon  after  this  event, 
in  the  year  1773,  he  waited  on  his  majesty  at  Potsdam ; 
when  the  king  asked  him,  if  he  could,  after  what  hacl 
happened,  still  have  any  friendship  for  him  ?  Sire !  said 
the  prelate,  I  shall  never  forget  my  duty,  as  a  good  sub- 
ject, to  my  sovereign.  I  am,  replied  the  king,  still  your 
very  good  friend,  and  likewise  presume  much  on  your 
friendship  towards  me ;  for,  should  St.  Peter  refuse  my 
entrance  into  Paradise,  I  hope  you  will  have  the  good- 
ness to  hide  me  under  your  mantle,  and  take  me  in  along 
with  you.  Sire !  returned  the  bishop,  that  will,  I  fear, 
scarcely  be  possible  :  your  majesty  has  cut  it  too  short 
to  admit  of  my  carrying  any  contraband  goods  beneath  it. 

1006.  A  gentle  sprinkle  of  rain  happening,  a  plough- 
boy  left  his  work  and  went  liorae  ;  but  his  master  seeing 
him  there,  told  him  that  he  should  not  have  left  his  work 
for  so  trifling  an  affair,  and  begged  for  the  future  he 
would  stay  until  it  rained  doAvnright.  A  day  or  two  af- 
terwards proving  a  very  rainy  day,  the  boy  stayed  till 
dusk,  and  being  almost  drowned,  his  master  asked  him 
why  he  did  not  come  home  before  ?  Why  I  should,  said 
the  boy,  but  you  zed  I  shou'dn't  come  home  vore  it  rained 
downright ;  and  it  has  not  rained  downright  yet,  for  it 
was  aslaunl  all  daylong. 

1007.  A  lady  desired  her  butler  to  be  saving  of  an  ex- 
cellent tun  of  small  beer,  and  asked  him  how  it  might 


JOE  miller's  jests.  209 

best  be  preserved.  I  kno\y  of  no  method  so  effectual, 
my  lady,  said  the  butler,  as  placing  a  barrel  of  good  ale 
by  it. 

1008.  A  hmiiorous  fellow  being  subpoenaed  as  a  wit- 
ness on  a  trial  for  an  assault,  one  of  the  counsel,  who  had 
been  notorious  for  brow-beating  w^itnesses,  asked  him 
what  distance  he  was  from  the  parties  when  the  assault 
happened ;  he  answered.  Just  four  feet  five  inches  and  a 
half  How  come  you  to  be  so  very  exact,  fellow  ?  said 
the  counsel.  Because  I  expected  some  fool  or  other 
would  ask  me,  said  he,  and  so  I  measured  it. 

1009.  Francis  I.  of  France,  being  told  the  people  made 
very  free  with  his  character  in  their  songs,  answered.  It 
would  be  hard  indeed  not  to  allow  them  a  song  for  their 
money. 

1010.  An  honest  Hibernian,  whose  bank-pocket  (to  use 
his  own  phrase)  had  stopped  payment,  was  forced  to  the 
sad  necessity  of  perambulating  the  streets  of  Edinburgh 
two  nights  together  for  want  of  a  few  pence  to  pay  his 
lodgings,  when  accidentally  hearing  a  person  talk  of  the 
Lying-in  Hospital,  he  exclaimed.  That's  the  place  for  me  ! 
Where  is  it,  honey  ?  for  I've  been  lying  out  these  two 
nights  past. 

1011.  A  painter  was  employed  in  painting  a  West  In- 
dia ship  in  the  river,  suspended  on  a  stage  under  the  ship's 
stern.  The  captain,  w^ho  had  just  got  into  the  boat  along- 
side, for  the  purpose  of  going  ashore,  ordered  the  boy  to 
let  go  the  painter  (the  rope  which  makes  flxst  the  boat)  : 
the  boy  instantly  went  aft,  and  let  go  the  rope  by  which 
the  painter's  stage  was  held.  The  captain,  surprised  at 
the  boy's  delay,  cried  out.  Heigh-ho,  there,  you  lazy  lub- 
ber, why  don't  you  let  go  the  painter  ?  The  boy  replied, 
He's  gone,  sir,  pots  and  all. 

1012.  A  young  man,  boasting  of  his  health  and  consti- 
tutional stamina,  in  the  hearing  of  Wewitzer,  the  player, 
was  asked  to  what  he  chiefly  attributed  so  great  a  hap- 
piness. To  what,  sir  ?  to  laying  in  a  good  foundation,  to 
be  sure.     I  make  a  point,  sir,  to  eat  a  great  deal  every 


210  JOE  miller's  jests. 

"morning.     Then  I  presume,  sir,  remarked  Wewitzer,  you 
usually  breakfast  in  a  timber-yard. 

1013.  A  captain  in  the  navy,  meeting  a  friend  as  lie 
landed  at  Portsmouth,  boasted  that  he  had  left  his  whole 
ship's  company  the  happiest  fellows  in  the  world.  How 
so  ?  asked  his  friend.  Why  I  have  just  flogged  seven- 
teen, and  they  are  happy  it  is  over  ;  and  all  the  rest  are 
happy  that  they  have  escaped. 

1014.  A  witness  was  called  upon  to  testify  concerning 
the  reputation  of  another  witness  for  veracity.  Why, 
said  he,  I  hardly  know  what  to  tell  you :  M some- 
times jests  and  jokes,  and  then  I  don't  believe  him ;  but 
when  he  undertakes  to  tell  anything  for  a  fact,  I  believe 
him  as  mucb  as  I  do  the  rest  of  niy  neighbours. 

1015.  An  Irish  journal  announced  the  accouchement  of 
her  grace  the  Duke  of  Dorset.  N'ext  day  it  was  thus 
corrected:  For  "her  grace  the  Duke  of  Dorset,"  read 
"  his  grace  the  Duchess  of  Dorset." 

1016.  One  evening,  Tom  Sheridan,  after  sitting  with 
his  flither  over  a  bottle,  Avas  complaining  of  the  empti- 
ness of  his  pocket.  The  right  honourable  manager  told 
him  jocularly,  to  go  on  the  highway.  I  have  tried  that 
already,  said  he,  but  without  success.  Ah !  how  ?  re- 
plied the  father.  Why,  resumed  he,  I  stopped  a  caravan 
full  of  passengers,  who  assured  me  they  had  not  a  farthing, 
as  they  all  belonged  to  Drury  Lane  Theatre,  and  could 
not  get  a  penny  of  their  salary. 

101  v.  A  man  meeting  his  friend,  said,  I  spoke  to  you 
last  night  in  a  dream.  Pardon  me,  replied  the  other,  I 
did  not  hear  you. 

1018.  An  eccentric  barber,  some  years  ago,  opened  a 
shop  under  the  walls  of  the  King's  Bench  prison.     The 
windows  being  broken  when  he  opened  the  house  he 
mended  them  with  paper,  on  which  appeared — '  Shave 
for  a  penny,'  with  the  usual  invitation  to  customers ;  and 
over  the  door  was  scrawled  these  lines : 
Here  lives  Jemmy  Wright, 
Shaves  as  well  as  any  man  in  England, 
Almost — not  quite. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  211 

Foote  (who  loved  anything  eccentric)  saw  these  inscrip- 
tions, and  hoping  to  extract  some  wit  from  the  anthor, 
whom  he  justly  concluded  to  be  an  odd  chai-acter,  pulled 
off  his  hat,  and  thrusting  his  head  through  one  of  the 
paper  panes  into  the  shop,  called  out.  Is  Jemmy  Wright 
at  home?  The  barber  immediately  forced  his  own  head 
through  another  pane  into  the  street,  and  replied,  No, 
sir,  he  has  just  popped  out.  Foote  laughed  heartily, 
and  gave  the  man  a  guinea. 

1019.  A  fellow  had  to  cross  a  river,  and  entered  the 
boat  on  horseback ;  being  asked  the  cause,  he  replied,  I 
must  ride,  because  I  am  in  a  hurry. 

1020.  Pray,  Mr.  Abernethy,  what  is  the  cure  for  gout  ? 
asked  an  indolent  and  luxurious  citizen.  Live  upon  six- 
pence a  day,  and  earn  it !  was  the  pithy  answer. 

1021.  Dr.  Boldero,  of  Jesus  College,  had  been  treated 
with  great  severity  by  the  protectorate  for  liis  attach- 
ment to  the  royal  cause,  as  was  also  Herring,  at  that  time 
Bishop  of  Ely,  and  in  whose  gift  the  mastership  of  Jesus 
College  is  vested.  On  a  vacancy  of  the  mastership  oc- 
curring, Boldero,  without  any  pretensions  to  the  appoint- 
ment, presented  a  petition  to  the  bishop.  Who  are  you  ? 
said  his  lordship,  I  know  nothing  of  you  !  I  never  heard 
of  you  before  !  My  lord,  replied  Boldero,  I  have  suf- 
fered long  and  severely  for  my  attachment  to  my  royal 
master,  as  well  as  your  lordship,  and  I  believe  your  lord- 
ship and  I  have  been  in  all  the  gaols  in  England.  W^hat 
does  the  fellow  mean !  exclaimed  the  bishop  ;  Man  !  I 
never  was  confined  in  any  prison  but  the  Tower  !  And, 
my  lord,  said  Boldero,  I  have  been  in  all  the  rest  myself! 
The  bishop's  heart  was  melted  at  this  reply,  and  he 
granted  Boldero's  petition. 

1022.  The  witty  and  licentious  Earl  of  Rochester 
meeting  with  the  great  Isaac  Barrow  in  the  park,  told 
his  companions  that  he  would  have  some  fun  with  the 
rusty  old  put.  Accordingly,  he  went  up  with  great 
gravity,  and,  taking  off  his  hat,  made  the  doctor  a  pro- 
found bow,  saying,  Doctor,  I  am  yours  to  my  shoe-tie. 
The  doctor,  seeing  his  drift,  immediately  pulled  off  his 


212 


beaver,  and  returned  the  bow,  with  My  lord,  I  am  yours 
to  the  ground.  Rochester  followed  up  his  salutation  by 
a  deeper  bow,  saying,  Doctor,  I  am  yours  to  the  centre. 
Barrow,  with  a  lowly  obeisance,  replied.  My  lord,  I  am 
yours  to  the  Antipodes.  His  lordship,  nearly  gravelled, 
exclaimed.  Doctor,  I  am  yours  to  the  lowest  pit  of  hell. 
There,  my  lord,  said  Barrow,  sarcastically,  I  leave  you  ; 
and  walked  off. 

1023.  The  following  anecdote  is  related  of  the  great 
Duke  of  Marlborough.  The  ducliess  was  pressing  the 
duke  to  take  a  medicine  ;  and,  with  her  usual  warmth, 
said,  I'll  be  hanged  if  it  do  not  prove  serviceable.  Dr. 
Garth,  who  was  present,  exclaimed.  Do  take  it  then,  my 
lord  duke  ;  for  it  must  be  of  service,  in  one  way  or  the 
other. 

1024.  Cardinal  de  Bernis,  Avhen  only  an  Abbe,  solicit- 
ed Cardinal  Fleury,  then  fourscore,  for  some  preferment. 
Fleury  told  him  fixirly,  he  should  never  have  anything  in 
his  time.  Bernis  replied,  Mon8eifjneui\  fattendrai  [My 
lord,  I  shall  wait]. 

1025.  Mr.  Suckling,  a  clergyman  of  ^N'orfolk,  having  a 
quarrel  with  a  neighbouring  gentleman,  who  insulted 
him,  and  at  last  told  him,  his  gown  was  his  protection. 
The  doctor  replied,  It  may  be  mine,  but  it  shall  not  be 
yours ;  and  pulling  it  off,  thrashed  the  aggressor. 

1020.  In  some  parish  churches  it  was  the  custom  to 
separate  the  men  from  the  women.  A  clergyman,  being 
interrupted  by  loud  talking,  stopped  short,  when  a 
woman,  eager  for  the  honour  of  the  sex,  arose  and  said, 
Your  reverence,  it  is  not  among  us.  So  much  the  better, 
answered  the  priest ;  it  will  be  over  the  sooner. 

1027.  The  evening  before  a  battle,  an  officer  came  to 
ask  Marshal  Toiras  for  permission  to  go  and  see  his 
father,  who  was  at  the  point  of  death.  Go,  said  the  gen- 
eral, who  saw  through  the  pretext ;  thou  shalt  honour 
thy  fother  and  thy  mother,  that  thy  days  may  be  long 
upon  the  earth. 

1028.  A  French  gentleman,  being  married  a  second 


JOE  miller's  jests.  213 

time,  was  often  lamenting  his  first  wife  before  his  second, 
who  one  day,  said  to  him,  3Ionsieui\je  votes  assure  qiCil 
oi'y  a  per  Sonne  qui  la  regrette  jjIus  que  tnoi  [I  assure  you, 
sir,  no  one  regrets  her  more  than  I  do]. 

1029.  A  methodist  in  America,  bragging  how  well 
he  had  instructed  some  Indians  in  religion,  called  up 
one  of  them,  and,  after  some  questions,  asked  him  if  he 
had  not  found  great  comfort  last  Sunday,  after  receivine^ 
the  sacrament.  Ay,  master,  replied  the  savage,  but  \ 
wished  it  had  been  brandy. 

1030.  Towards  the  close  of  the  reign  of  George  the 
Second,  the  beautiful  Countess  of  Coventry  talking  to 
his  majesty  about  shows,  and  thinking  only  of  the  ligure 
she  herself  woul(:l  make  in  a  procession,  told  him,  the 
sight  she  wished  most  to  see  was  a  coronation. 

1031.  William,  Duke  of  Cumberland,  gave  promises 
of  talents  that  were  never  accomplished.  One  day  he 
had  given  some  offence  to  his  royal  mother,  and  was 
remanded  to  the  confinement  of  his  chamber.  After 
what  the  queen  thought  a  sufficient  duration  of  his  pun- 
ishment, she  sent  for  him.  He  returned  in  a  very  sullen 
humour.  What  have  you  been  doing  ?  said  the  queen. 
Keading.  What  book?  The  ISTew  Testament.  Very 
well :  what  part  ?  Where  it  is  said,  Woman,  Avhy 
troublest  thou  me  ? 

1032.  A  vicar  and  curate  of  a  village,  where  there 
Avas  to  be  a  burial,  were  at  variance.  The  vicar  not 
coming  in  time,  the  curate  began  the  service,  and  was 
reading  the  words,  "  I  am  the  resurrection,"  when  the 
vicar  arrived,  almost  out  of  breath,  and,  snatching  the 
book  out  of  the  curate's  hands,  with  great  scorn,  cried. 
You  the  resurrection  !  "  I  am  the  resurrection" — and 
then  went  on. 

1033.  A  French  officer  being  just  arrived  at  the  court 
of  Vienna,  and  the  empress  hearing  that  he  had  the  day 
before  been  in  company  with  a  great  lady,  asked  him  if 
it  were  true  that  she  was  the  most  handsome  princess  of 
her  time?  The  officer  answered,  with  great  gallantry, 
Madam,  I  thought  so  yesterday. 


y' 


214  JOE  miller's  jests. 

1034.  The  spretoe  injuria  formce  is  the  greatest  with  a 
woman.  A  man  of  rank,  hearino;  that  two  of  his  female 
relations  had  quarrelled,  asked,  Did  they  call  each  other 
ugly  ?     No.     Well,  well ;  I  shall  soon  reconcile  them. 

1035.  Wit,  or  even  what  the  French  term  esprit^ 
seems  little  compatible  with  feeling.  Fontenelle  was  a 
great  egotist,  and  thought  of  nothing  but  himself.  One 
of  his  old  acquaintances  went  one  day  to  see  him  at  his 
country  house,  and  said  he  had  come  to  eat  a  bit  of  din- 
ner. What  shall  we  have  ?  Do  you  like  asparagus  ? 
said  Fontenelle.  If  you  j^lease ;  but  with  oil.  Oil !  I 
prefer  them  with  sauce.  But  sauce  disagrees  with  me, 
replied  the  guest.  Well,  Avell,  we  will  have  them  with 
oil.  Fontenelle  then  went  out  to  give  his  orders  ;  but 
on  his  return,  found  his  poor  acquaintance  dead  of  an 
apoplexy.  Running  to  the  head  of  the  stairs,  he  called 
out,  Cook !  dress  the  'sparagus  with  sauce. 


1036.  An  ignorant  soldier  at  Quebec,  observing  some 
of  his  comrades  stay  behind  him  at  church,  asked  them, 
on  their  coming  out,  what  was  the  reason  ?  They  told 
him,  jeeringly,  that  the  parson  had  treated  them  with 
some  wine.  No  other  liquor  ?  said  the  fellow.  Seeing 
he  swallowed  the  bait,  they  answered,  that  he  might 
have  what  liquor  he  chose.  Next  Sunday  he  stayed  to 
have  his  share  ;  and  when  the  clergyman  offered  him  the 
wine,  he  put  up  his  hand  to  his  head,  in  token  of  saluta- 
tion, and  said  modestly.  Please  your  reverence,  I  should 
prefer  punch. 

1037.  A  French  peer,  a  man  of  wit,  was  making  his 
testament :  he  had  remembered  all  his  domestics,  except 
his  steward  ;  I  shall  leave  him  nothing,  said  he,  because 

"^  he  has  served  me  these  twenty  years. 

1038.  A  president  of  the  parliament  of  Paris  asked 
Langlois,  the  advocate,  why  he  so  often  burdened  himself 
Avith  bad  causes  ?  My  lord,  answered  the  advocate,  I 
have  lost  so  many  good  ones,  that  I  am  puzzled  which  to 
take. 

1039.  Mr.  Pitt's  plan,  when  he  had  the  gout,  was  to 


215 


have  no  fire  in  his  room,  but  to  load  himself  with  bed- 
clothes. At  his  house  at  Hayes  he  slept  in  a  long  room, 
at  one  end  of  which  was  his  bed,  and  his  lady's  at  the 
other.  His  way  was,  when  he  thought  the  Duke  of 
Newcastle  liad  fallen  into  any  mistake,  to  send  for  him, 
and  read  him  a  lecture.  The  duke  was  sent  for  once, 
and  came,  when  Mr.  Pitt  was  confined  to  bed  by  the  gout. 
There  was,  as  usual,  no  fire  in  the  room ;  the  day  was 
very  chilly,  and  the  duke,  as  usual,  afraid  of  catching 
cold.  The  duke  first  sat  down  on  Mrs.  Pitt's  bed  as  the 
warmest  place  ;  then  drew  up  his  legs  into  it,  as  he  got 
colder.  The  lecture  unluckily  continuing  a  considerable 
time,  the  duke  at  length  fairly  lodged  himself  under  Mrs. 
Pitt's  bed-clothes.  A  person,  (who  related  the  story  to 
Horace  AYalpole,)  suddenly  going  in,  saw  the  two  min- 
isters in  bed,  at  the  two  ends  of  the  room  ;  while  Pitt's 
long  nose,  and  black  beard  unshaved  for  some  days,  add- 
ed to  the  grotesqueness  of  the  scene. 

1040.  The  Duke  of  Orleans,  the  regent,  had  four 
daughters,  distinguished  by  the  names  of  the  Four  Car- 
dinal Sins.  A  wag  wrote  on  their  mother's  tomb,  Cy 
gist  V  Olsivete,  [Here  lies  Idleness,]  which,  you  know,  is 
termed  the  mother  of  all  the  vices. 

1041.  Sir  T.  Robinson  was  a  tall,  uncouth  man,  and 
his  stature  was  often  rendered  still  more  remarkable  by 
his  hunting  dress,  and  postillion's  cap,  a  tight  green 
jacket,  and  buckskin  breeches.  He  was  liable  to  sudden 
whims ;  and  once  set  off  on  a  sudden,  in  his  hunting  suit, 
to  visit  ]\is  sister,  who  was  married  and  settled  at  Paris. 
— He  arrived  while  there  was  a  large  company  at  dinner. 
The  servant  announced  M.  Robinson,  and  he  came  in,  to 
the  great  amazement  of  the  guests.  Among  others,  a 
French  abbe  thrice  lifted  his  fork  to  his  mouth,  and 
thrice  laid  it  down,  with  an  eager  stare  of  surprise. 
Unable  to  restrain  his  curiosity  any  longer,  he  burst  out 
with.  Excuse  me,  sir,  are  you  the  famous  Robinson 
Crusoe  so  remarkable  in  history  ? 

1042.  General  Sutton,  brother  of  Sir  Robert  Sutton, 
was  very  passionate :  Sir  Robert  Walpole  the  reverse. 


216 


Sutton  being  one  day  with  Sir  Robert,  while  his  valet 
cle  chambre  was  shaving  him,  Sir  Robert  said,  John, 
you  cut  me  ; — and  then  went  on  with  the  conversation. 
Presently,  he  said  again,.  John,  you  cut  me — and  a  third 
time — when  Sutton  starting  up  in  a  rage,  and  doubling 
his  fist  at  the  servant,  swore  a  great  oath,  and  said.  If 
Sir  Robert  can  bear  it,  I  cannot,  and  if  you  cut  him 
once  more,  I'll  knock  you  down. 

1043.  We  read  more  of  pearls  than  of  diamonds  in 
ancient  authors.  The  ancients  had  not  skill  enough  to 
make  the  most  of  diamonds ;  and  the  art  of  engraving 
on  them  is  not  older  than  the  sixteenth  century.  The 
most  remarkable  of  modern  pearls  is  that  in  the  Spanish 
treasury,  called  The  Pilgrim.  It  Avas  in  the  possession 
of  a  merchant,  Avho  had  paid  for  it  100,000  crowns. 
When  he  went  to  offer  it  for  sale  to  Philip  IV.  the  king- 
said,  How  could  you  venture  to  give  so  much  for  a 
pearl  ?  The  merchant  replied,  I  knew  there  was  a  king 
of  Spain  in  the  world.  Philip,  pleased  with  the  flat- 
tery, ordered  him  his  own  price. 

1044.  Mr.  Pennant,  the  ingenious  and  pleasing  histo- 
rian, had  many  peculiarities  and  eccentricities  in  his 
private  character,  among  the  latter  may  be  classed  his 
singular  antipathy  to  a  Avig — which,  however,  he  can 
suppress,  till  reason  yields  a  little  to  wine.  But  when 
this  is  the  case,  off  goes  the  wig  next  to  him,  and  into 
the  fire ! — Dining  once  at  Chester  with  an  officer  who 
wore  a  wig,  Mr.  Pennant  became  half  seas  over  ;  and 
another  friend  that  Avas  in  company  carefully  placed 
himself  betAveen  Pennant  and  Avig,  to  prcA^ent  mischief. 
After  much  patience,  and  many  a  Avistful  look,  Pennant 
started  up,  seized  the  Avig,  and  thrcAV  it  into  the  fire. 
It  Avas  in  flames  in  a  moment,  and  so  Avas  the  officer, 
AA^ho  ran  to  his  SAVord.  DoAvn  stairs  ran  Pennant,  and 
the  officer  after  hira,  through  all  the  streets  of  Chester. 
But  Pennant  escaped,  from  superior  local  knowledge. 
A  Avag  called  this  "  Pennant's  Tour  in  Chester." 

1045.  The  harengeres,  or  fish-women  at  Paris,  form  a 
sort  of  body-corporate.     In  the  time  of  Louis  XIV.  the 


JOE  :miller's  jests.  217 

Dauphin  having  recovered  from  a  long  illness,  the  fish- 
women  deputed  four  of  their  troop  to  offer  their  con- 
gratulations. After  some  difficulties,  the  ladies  were 
admitted  by  the  king's  special  command,  and  conducted 
to  the  dauphin's  apartment.  One  of  them  began  a  sort 
of  harangue,  What  would  have  become  of  us  if  our 
dear  dauphin  had  died  ?  We  should  have  lost  our  all. 
The  king  meanwhile  had  entered  behind,  and  being  ex- 
tremely jealous  of  his  power  and  glory,  frowned  at  this 
ill-judged  compliment;  when  another  of  the  deputation, 
with  a  ready  wit,  regained  his  good  graces,  by  adding, 
True ;  we  should  have  lost  our  all — for  our  good  king 
could  never  have  survived  his  son,  and  would  doubtless 
have  died  of  grief.  The  nciif  policy  of  this  unexpected 
turn  was  much  admired. 

1046.  Lord  William  Poulet,  though  often  chairman  of 
committees  of  tlie  House  of  Commons,  was  a  great 
dunce,  and  could  scarce  read.  Being  to  read  a  bill  for 
naturalizing  Jemima,  Duchess  of  Kent,  he  called  her, 
Jeremiah,  Duchess  of  Kent.  Having  heard  south  walls 
commended  for  ripening  fruit,  he  showed  all  the  four 
sides  of  his  garden  for  south  walls. 

1047.  Queen  Caroline  spoke  of  shutting  up  St.  James's 
Park,  and  converting  it  into  a  noble  garden  for  the  pal- 
ace of  that  name.  She  asked  Sir  Robert  W^alpole  what 
it  might  probably  cost  ?  who  replied.  Only  three  crowns. 

1048.  Cardinal  Dubois  offered  an  abbey  to  a  bishop, 
who  refused  it,  because,  he  said,  he  could  not  reconcile 
to  his  conscience  the  possession  of  two  benefices.  The 
cardinal,  in  great  surprise,  said.  You  should  be  canon- 
ized. I  wish,  my  lord,  answered  the  bishop,  that  I  de- 
served it ;  and  that  you  had  the  power.  A  delicate  re- 
proach of  his  ambition. 

1049.  A  low  Frenchman  bragged  that  the  king  had 
spoken  to  him.  Being  asked  what  his  majesty  had  said, 
he  replied,  He  bade  me  stand  out  of  his  way. 

1050.  I  prefer  the  quarto  size  to  the  octavo  :  a  quar- 
to lies  free  and  open  before  one.     It  is  surprising  how 


218  JOE   MILLERS    JESTS. 

long  the  world  was  pestered  with  unwieldy  folios.  A 
Frenchman  was  asked  if  he  liked  books  in  folio  [in  the 
leaf].     Xo,  says  he,  I  like  books  in  fructu  [in  the  fruit]. 

1051.  Lady  Sandon  was  bribed  with  a  pair  of  diamond 
earrings,  and  procured  the  donor  a  good  place  at  court. 
Though  the  matter  was  notoriously  known,  she  was  so 
imprndent  as  to  wear  them  constantly  in  public.  Tliis 
being  blamed  in  company,  Lady  Wortley  Montague, 
like  Mrs.  Candour,  undertook  Lady  Sandon's  defence. 
And  pray,  said  she,  where  is  the  harm  ?  I,  for  my  part, 
think  Lady  -Sandon  acts  wisely — for  does  not  the  bush 
show  where  tlie  wine  is  sold  ? 

1052.  A  Jew  and  a  Christian,  both  Italians,  united 
their  endeavours  in  a  snuif-shop.  On  Saturday,  the 
sabbath,  the  Jew  did  not  appear ;  but  on  Sunday  he 
supplied  the  place  of  the  Christian.  Some  scruples 
were  started  to  the  Jew,  but  he  only  answered,  Trovata 
la  legge^  trovato  Vinganno^  [When  laws  were  invented, 
tricks  were  invented.] 

1053.  After  the  French  revolution,  Lord  Orford  was 
particularly  delighted  with  the  story  of  the  Tigre  Na- 
tional. A  man  who  showed  wild  beasts  in  Paris,  had  a 
tiger  from  Bengal,  of  the  largest  species,  commonly 
called  the  Royal  Tiger.  But  when  royalty,  and  every- 
thing royal,  was  abolished,  he  was  afraid  of  a  charge  of 
incivism  ;  and,  instead  of  Tigre  Royal,  put  on  his  sign- 
board, Tigre  National. 

1054.  An  attorney  in  France  having  bought  a  charge 
of  bailiff  for  his  son,  advised  him  never  to  work  in  vain, 
but  to  raise  contributions  on  tliose  who  wanted  his  as- 
sistance. What,  father  !  said  the  son  in  surprise,  would 
you  have  me  sell  justice  ?  Why  not  ?  answered  the 
father :  is  so  scarce  an  article  to  be  given  for  nothing  ? 

1055.  A  fiither  wished  to  dissuade  his  daughter  from 
any  thoughts  of  matrimony.  She  who  marries  does 
well,  said  he  ;  but  she  who  does  not  marry  does  better. 
Father,  answered  the  girl  meekly,  I  am  content  with 
doing  well ;  let  her  do  better  who  can. 


JOE   MILLEK  :J    JESTS.  219 

1056.  A  gentleman,  travelling  on  a  journey,  having  a 
light  guinea  which  he  could  not  pass,  gave  it  to  his 
Irish  servant,  and  desired  him  to  pass  it  upon  the  road. 
At  night  he  asked  him  if  he  had  passed  the  guinea. 
Yes,  sir,  replied  Teague,  but  I  was  forced  to  be  very 
sly ;  the  people  refused  it  at  breakfast  and  at  dinner  ;  so, 
at  a  turnpike,  where  I  had  fourpence  to  pay,  I  whipped  it 
in  between  two  halfpence,  and  the  man  put  it  into  his 
pocket,  and  never  saw  it. 

1057.  A  little  boy  having  been  much  praised  for  his 
quickness  of  reply,  a  gentleman  present  observed,  that 
Avhen  children  were  keen  in  their  youth,  they  were  gen- 
erally stupid  and  dull  when  they  advanced  in  years,  and 
vice  versa.  What  a  very  sensible  boy,  sir,  must  you 
have  been  !  returned  the  child. 

1058.  At  an  examination  for  the  degree  of  B.A.  in  the 
Senate  House,  Cambridge,  under  an  examiner  wdiose 
name  was  Payne,  one  of  the  moral  questions  was.  Give 
a  definition  of  happiness.  To  which  one  of  the  candi- 
dates returned  the  following  laconic  answ^er.  An  exemp- 
tion from  Payne. 

1059.  A  student  of  St.  John's  College,  wdio  was  re- 
markable for  his  larks  and  eccentricities,  during  the 
time  he  was  dining  in  hall,  called  to  a  ban  vivant^  at  an- 
other table,  to  say,  that  he  had  got  a  fine  fox  in  his 
rooms,  for  him.  This  being  overheard  by  the  marker, 
wdio  was  a  kind  of  mongrel  fetch-and-carry  to  a  certain 
dean,  and  wdio  understood  the  student  in  a  literal  sense, 
lie  informed  the  dean  of  the  circumstance.  The  student 
was  very  soon  summoned  before  the  master  and  seniors, 
for  what  he  knew  not ;  however,  on  entering,  he  was  in- 
formed, they  had  learned  he  kept  a  fox  in  his  rooms,  a 
thing  not  to  be  tolerated  by  the  college.  It  is  very  true, 
replied  the  accused ;  I  have  a  bust  of  Charles  James 
Fox,  at  your  service. 

1060.  When  the  celebrated  Beau  Nash  was  ill.  Dr. 
Cheyne  wrote  a  prescription  for  him.  The  next  day,  the 
doctor  coming  to  see  his  patient,  inquired  if  he  had 
followed  his   prescription  ?     No,  truly,  doctor,  replied 


220 

Nash,  if  I  had  I  should  have  broken  my  neck,  for  I 
threw  it  out  of  a  two  pair  of  stairs  window. 

1061.  The  son  of  a  fond  father,  when  going  to  war, 
promised  to  bring  home  the  head  of  one  of  the  enemy. 
His  parent  replied,  I  should  be  glad  to  see  you  come 
home  Avithout  a  head,  provided  you  come  safe. 

1062.  Dr.  Cheyne,  of  Bath,  and  a  Mr.  Santly,  were 
deemed  the  two  fattest  men  in  Somersetshire.  When 
they  were  once  sitting  together  after  dinner,  Cheyne 
asked  the  other  Avhat  made  him  look  so  melancholy  ? 
Faith,  replied  he,  I  was  thinking  how  it  will  be  possible 
for  the  people  to  get  either  you  or  me  to  the  grave  after 
we  die.  Why,  as  to  me,  replied  Cheyne,  six  or  eight 
stout  fellows  will  do  the  business,  but  you  must  be  taken 
at  twice. 

1063.  A  spark  being  brought  before  a  magistrate,  on  a 
charge  of  horse-stealing,  the  justice,  the  moment  he  saw 
him,  exclaimed,  I  see  a  villain  in  your  countenance.  It 
is  the  first  time,  said  the  prisoner,  very  coolly,  that  I 
knew  my  countenance  was  a  looking-glass. 

1064.  A  jockey  lord  met  his  old  college  tutor  at  a  great 
horse  fair.  Ah!  doctor,  exclaimed  his  lordship,  what 
brings  you  here,  among  these  high  bred  cattle  ?  Do  you 
think  you  can  distinguish  a  horse  from  an  ass  ?  My  lord, 
replied  the  tutor,  I  soon  jDcrceived  you  among  these 
horses. 

1065.  A  French  officer  was  speaking  at  a  table-d'hote 
of  his  first  impressions  on  seeing  English  soldiers,  and 
attempted  to  ridicule  them,  by  saying,  that  they  had  faces 
as  round  as  Cheshire  cheeses.  An  English  officer  replied, 
Monsieur,  you  are  very  polite  ;  and  allow  me  to  say,  that 
if  your  soldiers  had  shown  us  a  little  more  of  their  faces, 
and  less  of  their  backs,  I  should  be  very  happy  to  return 
you  the  comi^liment. 

1066.  The  late  Right  Hon.  Charles  James  Fox,  in  the 
course  of  a  speech  he  made  in  the  House  of  Commons, 
when  enlarging  on  the  influence  exercised  by  government 
over  the  members,  observed,  that  it  was  generally  under- 
stood that  the  minister  employed  a  person  as  manager  of 


JOE   MILLER'S   JESTS.  221 

tbe  House  of  Commons ;  here  there  was  a  general  cry  of 
Name  hhn !  name  him !  No,  said  Mr.  Fox,  I  don't 
choose  to  name  him,  though  I  might  do  it  as  easy  as  say 
Jack  Robinson.     This  was  really  his  name. 

1067.  A  traveller  relating  some  of  his  adventures,  told 
the  company,  that  he  and  his  servant  made  fifty  wild 
Arabians  run ;  which  exciting  surprise,  he  observed  there 
was  no  such  great  matter  in  it  j  for,  said  he,  we  ran,  and 
they  ran  after  us. 

1068.  A  certain  young  clergyman,  modest  almost  to 
bashfulness,  was  once  asked  by  a  country  apothecary,  of 
a  contrary  character,  in  a  public  and  crowded  assembly, 
and  in  a  tone  of  voice  sufficient  to  catch  the  attention  of 
the  whole  company.  How  it  happened  that  the  patriarchs 
lived  to  such  extreme  old  age  ?  To  which  question  he 
immediately  replied,  Perhaps  they  took  no  physic. 

1069.  Two  English  gentlemen,  some  time  ago,  visited 
the  field  of  Bannockburn,  so  celebrated  for  the  total  de- 
feat of  the  English  army,  by  Robert  Bruce,  with  an  army 
of  Scottish  heroes,  not  one  fourth  their  number.  A  sen- 
sible countryman  pointed  out  the  positions  of  both  armies, 
the  stone  where  the  Bruce's  standard  was  fixed  dur- 
ing the  battle,  &c.  Highly  satisfied  with  his  attention, 
the  gentleman,  on  leaving  him,  pressed  his  acceptance  of 
a  crown-piece.  ISTa,  na,  said  the  honest  man,  returning 
the  money,  keep  your  crown-piece  ;  the  English  hae  paid 
dear  enough  already  for  seeing  the  field  of  Bannockburn. 

1070.  Soon  after  Dr.  Johnson's  return  from  Scotland 
to  London,  a  Scottish  lady,  at  whose  house  he  was,  as  a 
compliment,  ordered  some  hotch-potch  for  his  dinner. 
After  the  doctor  had  tasted  it,  she  asked  him  if  it  was 
good  ?  To  which  he  replied.  Very  good  for  hogs  !  Then, 
pray,  said  the  lady,  let  me  help  you  to  a  little  more. 

1071.  A  noble  lord  a  short  time  ago  applied  to  a  pawn- 
broker to  lend  him  1000  guineas  on  his  wife's  jewels,  for 
which  he  had  paid  4000.  Take  the  articles  to  pieces, 
said  his  lordship,  number  the  stones,  and  put  false  ones 
in  their  place,  my  lady  will  not  distinguish  them.     You 


222 

are  too  late,  my  lord,  said  the  pawnbroker ;  your  lady 
has  stolen  a  march  upon  you ;  these  stones  are  false,  I 
bought  the  diamonds  of  her  ladyship  a  twelvemonth  ago. 

1072.  A  common  councilman's  lady  paying  her  daugh- 
ter a  visit  at  school,  and  inquiring  what  progress  she  had 
made  in  her  education,  the  schoolmistress  answered. 
Pretty  good,  madam,  miss  is  very  attentive  :  if  she  wants 
anything  it  is  a  capacity ;  but  for  that  deficiency,  you 
know  we  must  not  blame  her.  No,  madam,  replied  the 
mother ;  but  I  blame  you  for  not  having  mentioned  it  be- 
fore. Her  father,  thank  goodness,  can  afford  his  daugh- 
ter anything,  and  I  desire  that  a  capacity  may  be  bought 
immediately,  cost  what  it  may. 

1073.  A  tanner  near  S  waff 'ham,  in  ]N"orfolk,  invited  the 
supervisor  to  dine  Avith  him,  and  after  pushing  the  bottle 
about  briskly,  the  supervisor  took  his  leave  ;  but,  in  pass- 
ing through  the  tan  yard,  he  unfortunately  fell  into  a  pit, 
and  called  lustily  to  the  tanner  to  get  him  out.  Can't, 
said  the  tanner  ;  if  I  draw  any  hides  without  giving 
twelve  hours  notice,  I  shall  be  exchequered  and  ruined ; 
but  I'll  go  and  inform  the  excise. 

1074.  As  Mr.  Reynell,  a  man  of  some  fortune  in  the 
neighbourhood  of  Edinburgh,  was  one  day  taking  his 
ride,  and  being,  according  to  his  own  idea,  a  person  of 
no  small  consequence,  he  thought  proper  to  show  it  by 
riding  on  the  foot-path.  Meeting  a  j^lain  farmer-looking 
man,  he  ordered  him  imperiously  to  get  out  of  his  way. 
Sir,  said  the  other,  I  don't  understand  this :  I  am  u23on 
the  footpath,  where  I  certainly  have  a  right  to  walk.  Do 
you  know,  sir,  said  Mr.  Reynell,  to  whom  you  speak  ? 
I  do  not,  indeed.  Sir,  I  am  Mr.  Reynell,  of  Edinburgh. 
Well,  sir,  but  that  certainly  does  not  entitle  you  to  ride 
on  the  footpath,  and  to  drive  a  humble  pedestrian  off  it. 
"Why,  sir,  I  am  a  trustee  of  this  road.  If  you  are,  you 
are  a  very  bad  one.  You  are  a  very  impudent  fellow — 
who  are  you,  sir  ?  I  am  John,  Duke  of  Montague.  It  is 
almost  unnecessary  to  add  that  the  haughty  laird,  after  a 
very  awkward  apology,  sneaked  into  the  main  road. 

1075.  Lord  Norbury  was  asking  the  reason  of  the  de- 


JOE    MILLER'S    JESTS.  223 

lay  that  happened  in  a  cause,  and  he  was  answered,  it 
was  because  Mr.  Serjeant  Joy,  who  was  to  lead,  was 
absent,  but  Mr.  Hope,  the  solicitor,  had  said  that  he 
would  return  immediately  ;  when  his  lordship  humorous- 
ly repeated  the  well-known  lines — 

Hope  told  a  flattering  tale. 

That  Joy  would  soon  return. 

1076.  An  Irish  officer  in  Minorca  was  found  by  a  gen- 
tleman who  came  to  visit  him  in  a  morning  a  little  ruffled, 
and  being  asked  the  reason,  he  replied  he  had  lost  a  pair 
of  fine  black  silk  stockings  out  of  his  room,  that  cost 
eighteen  shillings  ;  but  he  hoped  he  should  get  them  again, 
for  he  had  ordered  them  to  be  cried,  with  a  reward  of 
half-a-crown  to  the  person  who  brought  them.  His  friend 
observing  that  this  was  too  poor  a  recompense  for  such 
a  pair  of  silk  stockings  :  Pooh,  man,  replied  he,  I  directed 
the  crier  to  say  they  w^ere  worsted. 

1077.  A  young  man  having  asked  an  Hibernian  who 
was  looked  up  to  as  a  scholar,  what  was  meant  by  the 
posthumous  works  of  such  a  writer  ?  Why,  said  the 
other,  posthumous  works  are  those  books  wliich  a  man 
writes  after  he  is  dead. 

1078.  As  you  do  not  belong  to  my  parish,  said  a  cler- 
gyman to  a  begging  sailor,  with  a  wooden  leg,  you  can- 
not expect  that  I  should  relieve  you.  Sir,  said  the  sailor, 
with  a  noble  air,  I  lost  my  leg  fighting  for  all  parishes. 

1079.  Henry  lY.  of  France,  passing  through  a  small 
town,  perceived  the  inhabitants  assembled  to  congratu- 
late him  on  his  arrival.  Just  as  the  principal  magistrate 
had  commenced  a  tedious  oration,  an  ass  began  to  bray ; 
on  which  the  king,  turning  towards  the  j^lace  where  the 

,,  noisy  animal  was,  said  gravely,  Gentlemen,  one  at  a  time, 
'"^  if  you  please. 

1080.  Henry  IV.  to  an  excellent  wit,  added  most  ami- 
able manners,  and  a  most  captivating  address.  On  Gen- 
eral Armand  de  Biron  coming  into  his  presence,  when  he 
was  surrounded  by  some  foreign  ambassadors,  the  king 
immediately  took  Biron  by  the  hand,  and  said.  Gentle- 


224  JOE  miller's  jests. 

men,  this  is  Marshal  Biroii,  whom  I  present  with  equal 
pleasure  and  confidence  to  my  friends  as  well  as  my  ene- 
mies. 

1081.  The  benevolent  Dr.  Wilson  once  discovered  a 
clergyman  at  Bath,  who  he  was  informe^l  was  sick,  poor, 
and  had  a  numerous  fixmily.  In  the  evening,  he  gave  a 
friend  fifty  pounds,  requesting  he  would  deliver  it  in  the 
most  delicate  manner,  and  as  from  an  unknown  person. 
The  friend  replied,  I  will  wait  upon  him  early  in  the 
morning.  You  will  oblige  me  by  calling  directly.  Think, 
sir,  of  what  importance  a  good  night's  rest  may  be  to  that 
poor  man. 

1082.  In  a  lawsuit  respecting  boundaries,  the  counsel 
on  both  sides  explained  their  claims  on  a  plan — My  lord, 
said  one,  we  lie  on  this  side :  and  the  other  said.  My  lord, 
we  lie  on  this  side.  Nay,  said  the  judge,  if  you  lie  on 
both  sides,  I  can  believe  neither  of  you. 

1083.  The  celebrated  Henry,  Earl  of  Worcester,  once 
observing  the  enemy  leaving  the  field,  turned  round  and 
said,  I  love  to  see  my  own  danger,  especially  when  it  is 
marching  ofi". 

1084.  The  earl  once  calling  for  a  glass  of  claret,  was 
told  by  his  physician,  that  claret  was  bad  for  the  gout. 
What,  my  old  friend  claret !  nay,  give  it  me  in  spite  of 
all  physicians  and  their  advice ;  it  shall  never  be  said  that 
I  forsook  my  friend  for  my  enemy. 

1085.  One  was  telling  the  earl,  how  strangely  he  had 
escaped  a  shot,  by  the  bar  of  a  window.  A  musket  bul- 
let had  hit  full  against  the  edge  of  an  iron  bar  of  a  cham- 
ber-window, so  that  the  bullet  was  split  in  two,  one  half 
flying  by  on  one  side  and  the  other  on  the  other.  The 
earl  hearing  this,  asked  in  what  room  it  was,  and  was 
answered,  in  the  cross-barred  room ;  ujDon  which  he  an- 
swered. You  will  now  believe  me,  how  safe  it  is  to  stand 
before  the  cross,  when  you  face  your  enemy. 

1086.  Charles  II.  hearing  a  high  character  of  a  preacher 
in  the  country,  attended  one  of  his  sermons.  Expressing 
his  dissatisfaction,  one  of  the  courtiers  replied,  that  the 


JOE    MILLER  S    JESTS.  225 

preacher  was  applauded  to  the  skies  by  the  congregation. 
Ay !  observed  the  king,  I  suppose  his  nonsense  suits 
their  nonsense. 

1087.  Some  one  once  asked  Bruce  what  musical  instru- 
ments were  used  in  Abyssinia.  Bruce  hesitated,  not  be- 
ing prepared  for  the  question ;  and  at  last  said,  I  think  I 
saw  one  lyre  there.  George  Selwyn  whispered  the  man 
sittmg  next  him.  Yes,  and  there  is  one  less  since  he  left 
the  country. 

1088.  The  attachment  of  some  ladies  to  their  lap-dogs 
amounts,  in  some  instances,  to  infatuation.  I  have 
heard  of  a  lap-dog  biting  a  piece  out  of  a  male  visitor's 
leg :  his  mistress  thus  expressed  her  comjDassion,  Poor 
dear  little  creature,  I  hope  it  will  not  make  him  sick. 

1089.  A  Frenchman,  a  farmer  of  the  duty  upon  salt, 
(farmed  in  France,  as  post  horses  are  in  England,)  had 
built  a  most  magnificent  villa ;  displaying  it  to  his  friends, 
it  was  observed  that  a  statute  Avas  wanting  for  a  large 
niche  in  the  vestibule.  I  mean  to  put  there,  said  the 
owner,  some  allegorical  statue  relating  to  my  business. 
You  may  j^ut  then  Lot's  wife,  who  was  changed  to  a 
statue  of  salt,  answered  one  of  his  friends. 

1090.  A  master  of  a  ship  called  down  into  the  hold, 
"Who  is  there  ?  Will,  sir,  was  the  answer.  What  are 
you  doing  ?  Nothing,  sir.  Is  Tom  there  ?  Yes, 
answered  Tom.  What  are  you  doing  ?  Helping  Will, 
sir. 

1091.  Two  gentlemen  coming  into  a  tavern,  one  of 
them  called  for  a  bottle  of  claret :  Why,  do  you  love 
claret  ?  said  the  other ;  for  my  part,  I'll  see  it  burnt  be- 
fore I  drink  a  drop. 

1092.  One  whose  name  was  Pippin,  being  dressed  in 
a  green  suit,  chanced  to  meet  his  friend,  who,  at  his  first 
salute,  told  him.  It  was  a  rare  thing  to  see  a  green  Pippin 
on  Christmas  day. 

1093.  A  certain  gentleman  was  mightily  taken  with  a 
lady  of  the  name  of  Wall,  who  was  in  the  habit  of  paint- 
ing a  good  deal.     His  friends  tried  to  persuade  him  from 


226  JOE  culler's  jests. 

going  near  her,  saying,  they  wondered  at  a  man  of  his 
taste  setting  his  afiections  on  a  Painted  Wall. 

1094.  Musicians  onght  to  be  compared  to  chameleons. 
Why  ?     Because  they  live  on  airs. 

1095.  One  said  a  good  client  was  like  a  study  gown, 
sits  himself  in  the  cold,  and  keeps  his  lawyer  warm. 

1096.  A  fellow  whose  name  Avas  Hog  was  convicted 
of  felony  before  Lord  Bacon,  then  judge  of  assize  ;  he 
used  several  unimportant  arguments  with  his  lordship 
before  sentence  was  pronounced,  and,  none  prevailing, 
he  told  him  he  was  near  of  kin  to  him.  How,  to  me  ? 
said  the  judge.  Yes,  answered  the  fellow,  for  your 
name  is  Bacon,  and  mine  is  Hog.  Oh  !  then,  replied  his 
lordship,  you  will  never  be  good  Bacon  till  you  are 
hanged. 

1097.  One  being  at  supper  at  a  friend's  house,  (it 
chanced  that  there  was  mutton  and  capers  for  supper,) 
fell  into  a  discourse  upon  dancing,  saying,  that  he  loved 
it  better  than  any  other  kind  of  recreation.  By  and 
bye,  taking  notice  of  the  capers,  which  he  had  never 
seen  before,  took  one  upon  his  trencher,  cut  it  in  the 
middle,  and  put  the  half  of  it  in  his  mouth.  The  master 
of  the  house  observing  it,  said,  Sir,  it  seems  you  do  love 
dancing  well,  when  you  cannot  forbear  cutting  a  caper 
at  supper. 

1098.  Scriveners  must  be  hard-hearted  men,  said  Lord 
Adolphus  F.  Why  ?  Since  they  never  rejoice  more 
than  when  they  put  other  men  in  bonds. 

1099.  An  ignorant  drunken  surgeon,  that  had  killed 
most  of  his  patients,  boasted  himself  a  better  man  than 
the  parson ;  For,  said  he,  your  cures  maintain  but  your- 
self, but  my  cures  maintain  all  the  sextons  in  the  town. 

1100.  One  threatened  to  break  another's  head  with  a 
stone.  Don't  try,  said  Lord  Alvanley,  you  will  hurt  the 
stone. 

1101.  A  patient  man  being  domineered  over  by  his 
wife,  who  was  always  ill-treating  him,  desired  her  to 
tear  his  band,  for  he  would  gladly  wear  it  without  cuflfs. 


JOE   MILLERS   JESTS.  227 

1102.  One  said  to  his  friend  that  had  been  speak- 
ing, I  love  to  hear  a  man  talk  nonsense.  The  other 
answered,  I  know  you  love  to  hear  yourself  talk  as  well 
as  any  man. 

1103.  One  asked  tlie  reason  why  lawyers'  clerks 
wrote  such  wide  lines.  Another  answered,  it  was  done 
to  keep  the  peace  ;  for  if  the  plaintiff  should  be  in  one 
line  and  the  defendant  in  the  next,  the  lines  being  too 
near  together,  they  might  fall  together  by  the  ears. 

1104.  One  hearing  a  usurer  say  he  had  been  on  the 
Peak  of  Teneriffe,  asked  him  why  he  had  not  stayed 
there,  for  he  was  persuaded  he  Avould  never  get  so  near 
heaven  again. 

1105.  One  having  drunk  a  cup  of  very  flat  beer,  de- 
clared that  the  beer  was  more  than  foxed.  Upon  being 
asked  his  reason,  he  declared,  it  was  dead  drunk. 

1108.  One  saw  a  man  and  his  wife  fighting;  the 
people  asked  him,  why  he  did  not  part  them.  He 
answered.  That  he  was  too  Avell  bred  to  part  man  and 
wife. 

1107.  One  seeing  another  wear  a  threadbare  cloak, 
asked  him,  whether  his  cloak  was  not  sleepy  ?  Why  do 
you  ask?  said  his  friend.  Because,  I  am  sure  it  has  not 
had  a  nap  this  seven  years. 

1108.  A  lawsuit  being  referred  to  a  gentleman,  the 
plaintiff,  who  had  the  equity  of  the  cause  on  his  side, 
presented  him  w^ith  a  new  carriage,  the  defendant  with 
a  couple  of  horses.  The  arbitrator  liking  the  horses 
better  than  the  coach,  gave  sentence  on  the  defendant's 
side.  The  plaintiff  called  on  him,  and  asked  how  it 
came  to  pass  the  coach  went  out  of  the  right  way  ?  He 
answered.  He  could  not  help  it,  the  horses  had  drawn 
it  so. 

1109.  A  saucy  fellow  named  Jack,  abusing  a  gentle- 
man Avhose  name  w\as  Fisher,  the  gentleman  struck  him, 
for  which,  being  reproved  and  threatened  with  an  action, 
he  said,  Is  it  not  lawful  for  a  Fisher  to  strike  a  Jack  ? 


228  JOE  miller's  jests. 

1110.  A  person  had  a  picture  of  the  Seven  Senses 
stolen  out  of  his  house:  whereupon  he  came  to  a  justice 
and  desired  that  the  thieves  might  be  bound  to  the 
peace :  For  what  ?  For  stealing-  my  senses.  I  thought 
so,  said  the  justice,  you  talk  so  idly. 

1111.  A  woman  Avas  commending  a  boy's  face  :  Give 
me  a  man's,  quoth  another,  a  boy's  is  not  worth  a  hair. 

1112.  A  gentleman  whose  name  was  Stone,  falling  off 
his  horse,  in  crossing  a  river,  into  deep  water,  out  of 
which  he  got  not  without  some  danger  :  his  companions 
laughed  at  his  mischance,  and  being  reproved,  answered, 
That  there  was  no  man  but  would  laugh  to  see  a  Stone 
swim. 

1113.  One  being  about  to  write  the  superscription  of 
a  letter  to  his  mistress,  asked  a  scholar  what  terms  were 
best  to  give  her, — who  told  him,  "  the  Venus,  lass  of  his 
aifections,"  was  good ;  he  mistaking,  wrote,  To  the 
Yenice-glass  of  his  aifections. 

1114.  A  drunken  fellow  returning  home  towards  even- 
ing, found  his  wife  hard  at  her  spinning  ;  she,  reproving 
him  for  his  ill  husbandry,  and  commending  herself  for 
her  good  housewifery,  he  told  her  that  she  had  no  great 
cause  to  chide,  for  as  she  had  been  spinning  at  home,  he 
had  been  reeling  abroad. 

1115.  One  that  was  skilled  in  writing  short-hand  prom- 
ised a  lawyer's  clerk  to  teach  him  his  skill,  who  thanked 
him,  and  said  they  could  not  live  by  making  short-hand 
of  anything. 

1116.  A  company  of  gentlemen  in  a  tavern,  amongst 
the  rest,  one  whose  name  was  Bramble,  quarrelled  and 
fell  to  blows ;  one  of  these  got  his  face  cut  by  the  said 
Bramble ;  upon  going  home,  and  being  asked  the  cause 
of  his  face  bleeding  so.  No  great  harm,  replied  he,  only 
a  Bramble  by  chanoa  scratched  me. 

1117.  A  rude  overbearing  young  man  was  placed  by 
his  friends  with  a  proctor,  who  observing  the  misbe- 
haviour of  the  youth,  told  his  parents  he  feared  their  son 
would  never  make  a  civil  lawyer. 


229 


1118.  One  having  a  play-book  called  The  Wits,  which 
he  valued  much,  by  chance  lost  it ;  but  while  he  was 
chafing  and  swearing  about  the  loss  of  his  book,  in  came 
one  of  his  friends,  who  asking  the  cause  of  his  disquiet, 
was  answered.  That  he  had  lost  his  wits. 

1119.  One  wondered  why  there  were  so  many  pick- 
pockets about  the  streets,  notwithstanding  a  watch  was 
at  every  corner.  It  was  answered,  that  was  all  one,  a 
pickpocket  would  as  gladly  meet  a  watch  as  anything 
else. 

1120.  During  the  siege  of  a  castle,  when  the  besieged 
were  hard  pressed,  a  lady,  one  of  the  defenders,  was  re- 
marking, that  the  colours  that  hung  upon  one  of  the 
towers,  were  one  of  her  bed-curtains.  To  which  a  per- 
son replied.  Madam,  I  wish  you  would  set  up  the  little 
boy,  (who  stands  up  over  the  curtain,)  on  the  top  of  that 
tower,  that  we  might  see  whether  he  would  drive  away 
all  those  men  Avith  his  bow  and  arrows.  To  which  the 
lady  replied,  Cupid  never  raises  a  siege. 

1121.  A  great  eater  was  once  boasting  that  he  was  a 
great  wit,  saying,  The  world  knew  him  to  be  "  all  wit :" 
one  standing  by,  that  knew  him  very  well,  said.  Is  it 
possible  that  you  are  taken  for  a  wit !  if  so,  your  anagram 
is  wit-all. 

1122.  Two  being  in  a  tavern  together,  one  swore  the 
other  should  pledge  him,  Why  then,  quoth  the  other,  I 
will ; — and  presently  w^ent  down  stairs  and  left  him  for 
the  reckoning. 

1123.  A  drunken  fellow  passing  by  a  shop  asked  a 
'prentice  boy.  What  their  sign  was  ?  He  answered,  it 
was  a  sign  he  was  drunk. 

1124.  It  was  said  by  one,  a  barber  had  need  be  honest 
and  trusty,  because,  whoever  employed  him,  though  it 
was  but  for  a  hair  matter,  put  his  life  into  his  hands. 

1125.  It  has  been  said,  that  a  tooth-drawer  was  an  im- 
conscionable  trade,  because  his  business  was  nothing 
else  but  to  take  away  those  things  whereby  every  man 
gets  his  living. 


230  JOE   MILLERS   JESTS. 

1126.  Of  all  knaves,  there  is  the  greatest  hope  for  a 
cobbler,  for  be  he  ever  so  idle,  yet  when  he  does  any- 
thing, he  is  always  mending. 

1127.  It  being  demanded  of  a  wild  yomig  man,  why  he 
wished  to  sell  his  lands  ?  He  answered,  because  he 
hoped  to  go  to  heaven,  which  he  could  not  possibly  do 
till  he  forsook  the  earth. 

1128.  A  merry  fellow  said.  The  ale-house  was  the  only 
place  to  thrive  in,  for  he  had  known  many  a  score  made 
there. 

1129.  A  rich  stationer  w^ished  himself  a  scholar,  to 
whom  one  answered,  That  he  was  one  already,  being 
doctus  in  lihris.  Nay,  said  the  stationer,  I  am  but  dives 
in  libris — (meaning  rich  in  pounds.) 

1130.  Before  Derrick  was  master  of  the  ceremonies  at 
Bath,  he  went  to  Cambridge  on  a  visit ;  his  friends  made 
him  so  welcome,  that,  owing  to  hard  drinking,  he  could 
never  rise  till  dinner-time  ;  being  one  day  asked  how  he 
liked  the  place  ?  he  replied.  Very  well,  but  that  there 
was  no  forenoon  at  it. 

1131.  A  lady  having  a  dispute  with  Mr.  Derrick,  told 
him  by  way  of  joke,  that  if  he  did  not  give  up  the  argu- 
ment, she  would  put  him  in  her  patch-box.  Madam, 
said  he,  you  are  at  full  liberty  to  do  so  ;  and  should  you 
condescend  to  use  me  as  a  patch,  I  beg  you  will  stick  me 
upon  your  lips. 

1132.  Mr.  Derrick  being  one  morning  at  a  coffee- 
house at  Bath,  was  much  disturbed  by  a  very  noisy  man 
Avho  sat  at  a  small  distance  from  him,  upon  which  he  in- 
quired who  the  spark  was  ;  they  told  him  he  was  one  of 
those  gentry  who  are  called  Rooks.  A  Rook,  sir,  re- 
plied Derrick,  zounds,  'tis  impossible — ^by  his  chattering, 
I  am  sure  he  is  a  magpie. 

1133.  A  gentleman  who  had  had  several  Avives,  paid 
his  addresses  to  a  widow  lady  at  Bath  ;  and  it  being  re- 
marked that  he  was  a  great  duellist,  Derrrick  replied, 
the  match  would  be  more  apropos,  for  the  lady  has  killed 
her  man. 


JOE   MILLER  S   JESTS.  231 

1134.  Two  gentlemen  going  very  hungry  into  the 
"White  Lion  at  Bath,  ordered  a  couple  of  chickens  to  be 
roasted  for  supper,  which  were  brought  upon  table  just 
as  Mr.  Derrick  came  in  to  speak  to  one  of  them  upon  busi- 
ness. They  went  out  together,  and  wliile  they  were 
absent,  the  remaining  person  fairly  ate  up  all  the  supper. 
When  they  ]-eturned,  the  other  gentleman  was  aston- 
ished, and  asked  Mr.  Derrick  what  he  thought  of  his 
companion  ?  Why,  I  think,  said  Derrick,  that  he  is  a 
very  foAvl  feeder. 

1135.  A  man  being  brought  before  a  magistrate,  when 
Mr.  Derrick  was  present,  for  defamation,  in  calling  his 
neighbour  a  scavenger.  Pray,  sir,  (said  Derrick  to  the 
justice,)  attend  seriously  to  this  charge,  for  to  me  it  ap- 
pears that  there  is  some  very  dirty  work  going  forward. 

1136.  A  gentleman  having  written  an  epitaph  on  a  de- 
ceased friend,  shoAved  it  to  Mr.  Derrick  for  his  opinion  : 
Sir,  said  he,  I  never  read  anything  better  suited  to  the 
mournful  occasion — they  are  the  saddest  verses  that  ever 
were  penned. 

1137.  A  lady  of  fashion  and  beauty  inveighing  against 
smugglers,  Mr.  Derrick  interrupted  her  :  Hold,  madam, 
be  not  too  severe ;  I  believe  it  will  be  found  that  the 
blackness  of  your  crimes  far  exceeds  theirs  :  the  people 
you  are  railing  against,  smuggle  only  a  few  common 
goods,  for  which,  they  run  the  risk  of  losing  their  lives  ; 
but  you,  without  any  danger  to  yourself,  absolutely  have 
smuggled  the  affections  of  every  person  in  Bath. 

1138.  Mr.  Derrick  being  in  a  company,  among  whom 
there  was  a  gentleman  remarkable  for  a  rude  kind  of  sa- 
tirical Avit,  and  who,  having  levelled  his  jeers  at  almost 
all  present,  chiefly  by  mimicking  their  voices,  gestures, 
or  taking  them  off,  as  it  is  commonly  called,  Mr.  Derrick, 
expecting  it  would  presently  come  to  his  turn,  got  up, 
and  Avas  going  aAvay.  When  being  asked  the  reason  of 
his  leaving  the  company  so  soon,  he  replied,  In  order  to 
save  the  gentleman  the  trouble  of  taking  me  off,  I  think 
it  best  to  take  myself  off. 


232  JOE  miller's  jests. 

1139.  At  a  private  masquerade,  Derrick  appeared  in 

the  character  of  a  cook,  and  being  met  by  Lord , 

was  desired  to  dress  a  couple  of  pork  chops.  Sir,  re- 
plied Derrick,  as  you  are  the  only  hog  in  company,  I 
must  then  beg  leave  to  cut  them  from  your  carcase. 

1140.  Mr.  Derrick  going  through  the  Strand  one  even- 
ing, detected  a  boy  picking  his  pocket,  and  seizing  him, 
had  determined  to  have  him  committed,  when  the  boy 
begged  heartily  for  mercy,  For  indeed,  sir,  said  he,  it  is 
ray  first  ofi:ence  ;  here's  your  own  handkerchief  again, 
and  take  any  of  these  five  you  like  best. 

1141.  A  lady  of  distinction  meeting  Derrick  in  the 

long  room,  told  him  his  old  friend  Lady  was  just 

delivered.  Of  a  boy  or  giii  ?  said  Derrick.  Neither, 
replied  the  lady — of  a  husband,  you  donkey,  and  he  is  to 
be  buried  to-morrow. 

1142.  Mr.  Derrick  being  on  a  visit  at  a  gentleman's 
house  at  Bath,  a  young  lady  to  entertain  the  company, 
obliged  them  with  a  tune  on  the  harpsichord  :  while  she 
was  playing,  a  female  friend  of  Mr.  Deriick's  asked  him. 
Who  was  the  Goddess  of  Music  ?  Venus,  said  he. 
Pooh,  replied  she,  you  banter.  Xo,  upon  honour,  re- 
turned Derrick  ;  if  you  doubt,  appeal  to  her — for  there 
she  sits. 

1143.  One  of  those  troublesome  gentry  called  meal 
hunters,  one  day  invited  himself  to  dine  with  Derrick ; 
the  dinner  consisted  of  some  fish  and  a  fine  piece  of  roast 
beef;  the  gentleman  helped  himself  about  half-a-dozen 
times,  and  approved  highly  of  Mr.  Derrick's  taste,  in  pre- 
ferring the  roast  beef  of  old  England  to  those  flimsy 
kickshaws  so  much  in  fashion,  adding.  Here's  cut  and 
come  again.  Sir,  said  Derrick,  you  may  cut,  but  you 
never  come  again. 

1144.  A  talkative  gentleman  boasting  that  he  had  been 
instructed  in  the  art  of  speaking  by  the  celebrated  Quin. 
Sir,  said  Derrick,  this  company  would  have  thought 
themselves  more  highly  obliged  to  that  gentleman,  had 
he  taught  you  the  art  of  holding  your  tongue. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  233 

1145.  A  gentleman  bragging  that  he  was  promised  the 
lease  of  the  next  house  that  fell  in,  Sir,  said  Derrick,  had 
it  been  my  case,  I  should  rather  have  desired  the  lease  of 
the  next  house  that  stood. 

1146.  Derrick  one  day  condoling  with  an  Irish  gentle- 
man whose  father  had  lately  died.  Well,  well,  said 
Paddy,  it  does  not  signify  grieving,  for  it  is  what  we 
must  all  come  to,  if  we  do  but  live  long  enough. 

1147.  It  being  disputed,  while  Lady ,  who  had  a 

remarkable  red  face,  was  present  in  the  long  room,  when 
there  would  be  an  eclipse  of  the  sun.     It  will  be,  said 

Derrick,  let  me  see — ay,  it  will  be,  whenever  Lady ■ 

shall  hide  her  beauties  under  a  veil. 

1148.  There  was  some  years  ago,  a  society  in  the 
metropolis,  called  the  Court  of  Humour,  the  members  of 
which  met  once  a  week  for  the  purpose  of  trying  causes. 
To  this  meeting,  Derrick  was  invited  ;  and  when  the 
lord  judge,  in  summing  up  the  evidence  in  one  of  the 
trials,  pronounced,  with  great  gravity,  "  I  must  here  de- 
sire to  pause" — My  lord,  with  submission,  give  me  leave 
to  fill  up  your  paws  ;  and  immediately  presented  his 
lordship  with  a  large  tumbler  of  negus. 

1149.  Derrick  once  went  to  see  the  tragedy  of  Richard 
the  Third  performed  by  a  country  company ;  the  person 
who  played  Richard  was  as  wretched  a  performer  as 
ever  disgraced  the  buskin  ;  and  when  he  came  to  the 
scene  where  he  says  to  Buckingham,  "  Bring  the  mayor 
and  aldermen  to  see  me  here."  If  they  see  you  once, 
said  Derrick,  they  will  never  come  again. 

1150.  The  late  Dr.  Stukely  says,  that  one  day,  by  ap- 
pointment, visiting  Sir  Isaac  jSTewton,  the  servant  told 
him  he  was  in  his  study.  No  one  was  permitted  to  dis- 
turb him  there,  but  as  it  was  near  dinner-time,  the  visit- 
or sat  down  to  wait  for  him.  After  a  time,  dinner  was 
brought  in — a  boiled  chicken  under  a  cover.  An  hour 
passed,  and  Sir  Isaac  did  not  appear.  The  doctor  ate 
the  fowl,  and  covering  np  the  empty  dish,  bid  them  dress 
their  master  another.     Before  that  was  ready,  the  great 


234  JOE  miller's  jests. 

man  came  down ;  apologized  for  his  delay,  and  added, 
Give  me  but  leave  to  take  my  short  dimmer,  and  I  shall 
be  at  your  service  ;  I  am  fatigued  and  faint.  Saying 
this,  he  lifted  up  the  cover,  and  without  any  emotion, 
turned  about  to  Stukely  with  a  smile  :  See,  said  he, 
what  w^e  studious  people  are  :  I  forgot  I  had  dined. 

1151.  Leveridge,  the  actor,  in  giving  out  the  play, 
made  a  small  mistake,  and  instead  of  saying  on  Monday 
next  will  be  performed,  he  addressed  the  audience  with 
— Ladies  and  gentlemen,  to-morrow  will  be  performed — 
To-morrow  ?  said  a  buck  from  the  pit,  why  to-morrow  is 
Sunday  !  I  know  it,  my  good  friend,  replied  Leveridge  ; 
— to-morrow  there  will  be  a  charity  sermon  preached  at 
St.  Paul's,  Covent  Garden,  and,  on  Monday,  at  this 
theatre,  will  be  presented  the  Recruiting  Officer,  with  a 
farce  called  Wit  at  a  Pinch.  This  turned  the  laugh  of 
the  audience,  and  he  went  off  with  an  unusual  plaudit. 

1152.  Derrick  one  day  sent  his  footboy  with  a  message 
to  a  gentleman  whose  name  was  Mr.  Hodges  Podger. 
The  boy  went  to  the  street,  as  directed,  but  not  being 
able,  at  once,  to  find  the  house,  he  knocked  at  another 
person's  door,  and  mistaking  the  name,  asked  if  Mr. 
Ilodge-podge  was  at  home.  Hodge-podge  !  said  the  ser- 
A'ant  maid,  why,  you  little  pnppy,  does  this  house  look 
like  a  cookshop  ? 

1153.  Some  ladies  in  the  long  room  at  Bath  observing 
that  Mr.  Derrick  Avas  exceedingly  gay,  a  smart  fellow 
thought  to  exercise  liis  wit,  by  asking  him  who  was  his 
tailor  ?  Oh,  sir,  replied  Derrick,  he  won't  do  for  you,  he 
deals  only  for  ready  money. 

1154.  A  conceited  fellow  presented  King  James  with 
a  manuscript,  who,  finding  it  exceeding  bad,  returned  it, 
and  bade  him  \n\t  it  into  rhyme.  The  fellow  set  to  work, 
despatched  it,  and  presented  it  anew  to  liis  Majesty,  who, 
laughing,  said.  It  was  better  now  he  had  put  into  rhyme, 
"  for,  by  my  soul,  man,  afore  'twas  neither  rhyme  nor 
reason." 

1155.  What  herb  is  it  that  cures  all  diseases.?  Thyme 
[time]  to  be  sure. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  .        235 

1156.  An  upholder  was  chiding  his  apprentice  because 
he  was  not  notable  enough  at  his  work,  and  had  not  his 
nails  and  hammer  in  readiness  when  he  should  use  them, 
telling  him,  when  he  was  an  apprentice  he  was  taught  to 
have  his  nails  at  his  fingers'  ends. 

1157.  One  hearing  a  great  noise,  sent  his  servant  to 
know  what  was  the  matter,  who  brought  him  back  word. 
One  had  taken  a  cup  too  much — meaning  that  he  had 
stolen  a  silver  tankard. 

1158.  A  fortune-hunter  at  Bath,  telling  Mr.  Derrick 
that  he  had  got  an  excellent  phaeton  on  the  new  plan. 
Derrick  answered,  I^  am  rather  of  opinion  you  got  it  on 
the  old  plan,  for  I  suppose  you  never  mean  to  pay  for  it. 

1159.  An  impudent  fellow  met  an  unfortunate  person 
who  was  blessed  Avitli  a  very  red  nose,  and  who  also 
squinted ;  making  a  stop  and  looking  at  him  hard,  the 
gentleman  asked  the  reason  of  his  gazing  at  him.  Truly 
(was  the  rude  answer)  if  your  eyes  were  matches,  your 
nose  would  undoubtedly  set  them  on  fire. 

1160.  An  attorney  riding  into  the  country,  was  asked 
what  news  he  brought,  and  answered,  Nothing,  but  that 
Marriot  (a  great  eater)  was  reported  to  have  lost  his  ap- 
petite ;  to  which  another  answered.  Pray  God  a  poor 
man  meets  not  with  it,  for  if  he  does  it  Avill  utterly  undo 
him. 

1161.  One  Brown,  of  Oxford,  ringing  in  one  of  the 
belfrys  of  the  said  city,  the  clapper  of  the  bell  he  was 
ringing  fell  upon  his  head,  and  almost  killed  him ;  an 
arch  young  student  seeing  his  mischance,  and  conceiving 
the  wound  incurable,  wrote  over  against  the  place  where 
the  accident  happened,  these  verses  : 

Here  lies  John  Brown,  the  University  capper. 
That  lived  by  the  bell,  and  died  by  the  clapper. 

But  Brown  recovering,  and  seeing  these  verses,  wrote 
underneath — 

John  Brown's  alive,  and  lives  in  hope 

To  live  by  the  bell,  when  thou  diest  by  the  rope. 


236  JOE   MILLER  S    JESTS. 

1162.  A  gentleman  bought  some  articles  upon  trust  at 
a  shop,  promising  the  master  that  he  would  owe  him  so 
much  money  for  them  ;  the  tradesman  was  therewith 
contented,  hut  finding  that  the  gentleman  delayed  the 
])ayment,  he  demanded  his  money.  The  gentleman  told 
him  he  had  not  promised  to  pay  him ;  he  had,  indeed, 
promised  to  owe  him  so  much  money,  and  he  would  in 
no  way  break  from  his  word,  which,  if  he  paid  him,  he 
must  do. 

1163.  One  asked  why  B  stood  before  C  ?  Because,  said 
another,  a  man  must  B,  before  he  can  0. 

1164.  IIow  long  is  the  longest  letter  in  the  English 
alphabet,  said  D'Orsay  to  Alvanley  the  other  day  ?  An 
L  long  to  be  sure,  was  the  answer. 

1165.  One  said,  physicians  had  the  best  of  it,  because 
they  lived  by  other  men's  pains — meaning  the  griefs  and 
diseases  of  their  patients. 

1166.  One  was  saying,  he  wondered  why  the  j^eople  in 
Ethiopia  did  not  write  straight  along  as  the  northern 
people  do  ;  he  was  answered,  it  was  no  wonder,  for  they 
write  under  the  line,  and  that  is  the  reason. 

1167.  The  Lord  Cecil  (who  was  rather  crooked)  hav- 
ing gone  to  much  expense  in  building  a  superb  house, 
an  ingenious  architect  viewing  it  room  after  room,  said, 
there  was  one  great  fault  committed,  which  could  not  be 
amended.  He  was  desired  to  explain  himself  Why, 
there  is  not  one  room  in  this  house  in  which  his  lordship 
can  stand  upright. 

1168.  A  gentleman  being  entreated  to  stand  godfather 
to  one  of  his  tenant's  children,  granted  the  request,  hav- 
ing no  children  of  his  own.  The  child,  growing  up,  he 
was  sent  to  visit  his  godfather,  in  the  hopes  he  avouIcI  do 
something  for  him.  Upon  his  arrival  his  godfather  asked 
him  how  his  father  and  mother  did  ?  Very  well  in 
health,  replied  the  child,  but  my  father  has  so  many  child- 
ren, he  can  hardly  provide  bread  for  us.  Child,  Avas  the 
answer,  God  never  sends  mouths  but  he  sends  meat.  It 
may  be  so,  godfather,  answered  the  child,  but  I  think 


237 

God  has  sent  the  mouths  to  om*  house,  and  the  meat  to 
you.  This  witty  answer  so  pleased  the  old  gentleman, 
that  he  took  the  child  and  brought  him  up  as  his  own. 

1169.  Glovers  get  their  living  by  cutting  purses,  and 
yet  are  never  punished  for  it. 

1170.  King  James  removing  once  from  Whitehall  to 
Greenwich  house,  to  take  his  pleasure,  the  constables 
were  commanded  to  guard  several  passages,  to  hinder 
the  concourse  of  people  flocking  thither  :  amongst  many 
gentlemen  stopped  was  one  rather  meanly  dressed,  Avho 
was  asked  to  Avhat  lord  he  belonged  ?  To  the  Lord  Je- 
hovah, he  readily  answered.  The  wise  constable  not 
catching  the  meaning,  asked  his  companions  if  they  knew 
any  sucTi  lord.  To  which  they  replied.  There  is  none 
such  belonging  to  the  court.  The  constable,  unwilling 
to  give  oiFence,  replied,  Well,  I  believe  it  is  some  Scotch 
lord  or  other,  so  let  him  pass. 

1171.  A  person  holding  an  argument  with  a  grocer 
concerning  matters  of  trade,  the  grocer's  wife  bid  him 
give  over  arguing,  for  she  was  sure  her  husband  could 
show  a  thousand  reasons  [raisins]  to  his  one. 

11 72.  One  said  painters  were  cunning  fellows,  for  they 
had  a  colour  for  everything  they  did. 

1173.  Mr.  Derrick  being  asked  his  opinion  of  a  young 
rake  at  Bath,  w^ho  went  under  the  denomination  of  a 
knowing  one,  said,  he  did  not  pretend  to  any  great  skill 
in  physiognomy,  but  he  believed  he  could  venture  to  pro- 
nounce that  the  young  gentleman  would  one  day  be  fixed 
in  a  very  exalted  station. 

1174.  At  a  general  hunting  in  Cornwall,  which  is  still 
observed  twice  a  year,  when  also  there  is  great  wrestling 
and  cudgel  playing,  a  clergyman  happened  to  be  among 
the  multitude,  and  for  reproving  a  fellow  for  swearing, 
got  his  head  cut  by  a  stone  flung  at  him  by  the  man, 
which  some  that  stood  by  seeing,  said,  Come,  sir,  we'll 
go  along  with  you  to  a  justice.  No,  said  the  minister, 
truly  I  think  there  is  much  more  need  to  go  with  me  to 
a  surgeon. 


238  JOE   MILLEK  S    JESTS. 

1175.  A  gentleman  of  good  estate,  Avho,  it  seems,  hat- 
ed tobacco,  and  hearing  that  his  eklest  son  did  take  it, 
though  not  in  his  presence,  he  told  him,  if  he  knew 
that  lie  took  tobacco  he  would  disinherit  him.  Truly, 
father,  said  he,  they  that  told  you  so  were  mistaken  ;  for 
before  I  will  take  any  tobacco  I'll  see  it  all  on  fire.  Say- 
est  thou  so,  my  boy !  cried  the  old  gentleman,  I'll  give 
thee  five  hundred  a  year  the  more  for  that. 

1176.  A  crafty  fellow  being  extremely  in  debt,  and 
being  threatened  by  his  creditors  that  they  Avould  have 
him  if  he  was  above  ground,  got  himself  into  a  cellar, 
and  there  lay  with  the  tapster,  and  being  reproved  for  so 
doing,  he  said  there  was  no  fear  of  his  being  caught 
there,  because  he  was  under  ground,  and  they  dared  not 
break  their  oaths,  as  they  swore  they  would  have  him  if 
above  ground. 

1177.  The  French  ambassador  being  at  dinner  with 
King  James,  the  king,  in  mirth,  drank  a  health  to  him, 
saying,  "  The  King  of  France  drinks  a  health  to  the 
French  King."  Upon  which,  the  French  ambassador 
suddenly  replied,  The  king,  ray  master,  is  a  good  lieuten- 
ant, for  he  holds  France  Avell  for  you.  No,  said  the  king, 
he  holds  it  from  me.  Truly,  sir,  replied  the  ambassador, 
it  is  no  further  from  you  than  it  was. 

1178.  A  humorous  country  knight  gave  his  man  that 
waited  on  him  this  charge  :  tliat  he  should  never  say  any- 
thing to  him  but  what  he  asked  him ;  a  little  after  he 
invited  two  gentlemen  to  his  child's  christening ;  his 
man  accordingly  went  to  them  and  acquainted  them  with 
it ;  they  bid  him  thank  his  master,  but  to  let  him  know 
they  were  pre-engaged,  and  could  not  come  that  day  ; 
the  knight  waited  an  hour  later  than  ordinary  for  their 
coming,  but  seeing  they  came  not,  he  asked  his  man  if 
he  had  spoken  to  them  ?  Yes,  replied  he,  but  they  said 
they  could  not  come.  You  rogue,  why  did  you  not  tell 
me  so  before  ?  Why,  truly,  sir,  said  he,  you  did  not 
ask  me. 

1179.  One  speaking  of  the  burning  of  the  streets  of 
London,  at  the  great  fire,  said  Cannon  Street  roared, 


239 

"Wood  Street  was  burnt  to  ashes,  Bread  Street  was  burnt 
to  a  coal,  Ironmonger  Lane  became  red  hot.  Snow  Hill 
was  melted  down.  Shoe  Lane  was  burnt  to  boot,  Creed 
Lane  would  not  believe  it  till  it  came,  and  Puddinir  La 


me 


and  Pye  Corner  were  over-baked. 

1180.  A  cobbler,  sitting  in  his  stall,  offended  a  gentle- 
man who  was  passing  by:  Sirrah,  said  the  gentleman, 
you  are  a  rascal,  and  if  you  come  out  I  will  give  you  a 
kick.  Thank  you,  said  the  cobbler,  if  you  would  give 
me  two  I  would  not  come  out. 

1181.  A  schoolmaster  was  always  dictating  to  his 
scholars  that  H  was  no  letter  ;  soon  after,  he  called 
out  to  one  of  the  boys,  and  bid  him  heat  the  caudle  ; 
and  when  he  asked  for  it,  the  scholar  told  him  he  had 
done  with  the  caudle  as  he  bid  him.  What's  that  ?  said 
the  master.  Why,  sir,  replied  the  boy,  I  did  eat  it.  Sir- 
rah, said  he,  I  bid  you  heat  it,  with  an  h.  Yes,  sir,  I  did 
eat  it  with  bread,  as  there  is  no  h. 

1182.  Pride  and  Hewson,  two  Oliverian  colonels,  the 
first  a  drayman  and  the  other  a  cobbler,  being  met  to- 
gether, began  joking  one  with  the  other.  Pride  told 
Hewson,  he  saw  a  piece  of  cobbler's  wax  sticking  upon 
his  scarlet  cloak.  Poh,  said  HeAvson,  a  handful  of  brew- 
er's grains  will  scour  it  off  presently. 

1183.  Some  gentlemen  were  sitting  in  a  coffee-house 
together,  one  was  asking  what  news  there  was  ?  The 
other  told  him.  There  were  forty  thousand  men  rose  that 
day, — which  made  them  all  stare,  and  ask  him  to  what 
end  they  rose,  and  Avhat  they  intended  ?  Why  faith, 
said  he,  only  to  go  to  bed  at  night  again. 

1184.  In  the  time  of  the  Rump,  two  Rump  parliament 
men  being  in  a  boat,  said  one  of  them.  You  watermen 
are  hypocrites  ;  for  you  row  one  way  and  look  another. 
O  sir,  said  one  of  the  Avatermen,  Ave  have  not  plyed 
so  long  at  Westminster,  but  Ave  have  learned  something 
of  our  masters,  that  is,  to  pretend  one  thing  and  act 
another. 

1185.  A  person  hiring  a  lodging,  said  to  the  landlady, 


240  JOE  miller's  jests. 

I  assure  yon,  madam,  I  am  so  much  liked,  that  I  never 
left  a  lodging  but  my  landlady  shed  tears.  Perhaps, 
said  she,  you  always  go  away  without  paying. 

1186.  An  alehouse  girl  took  it  into  her  head  to  be 
catechised  at  church.  The  parson  asked  her  what  was 
her  name  ?  La,  sir,  said  she,  how  can  you  pretend  not 
to  know  my  name,  when  you  come  to  our  house  so  often, 
and  cry,  ten  times  in  an  evening.  Nan,  you  slut,  bring  us 
another  pot ! 

1187.  Smiths,  of  all  the  handicraft  men,  are  the  most 
irregular ;  for  they  never  think  themselves  better  em- 
ployed, than  when  they  are  at  their  vices. 

1188.  A  child  of  one  of  the  crew  of  his  majesty's  ship 
Peacock,  during  the  action  with  the  United  States  vessel, 
Hornet,  amused  himself  with  chasing  a  goat  between 
decks.  Not  in  the  least  terrified  by  the  destruction  and 
death  all  around  him,  he  persisted,  till  a  cannon-ball 
came  and  took  off  both  the  hind  legs  of  the  goat,  when 
seeing  her  disabled,  he  jumped  astride,  crying,  Now 
I've  caught  you. 

1189.  Charles  the  Second  asked  Bishop  Stillingfleet 
how  it  happened  that  he  preaclied  in  general  without 
book,  but  always  read  the  sermons  which  he  delivered 
before  the  court.  The  bishop  answered,  that  the  awe 
of  seeing  before  him  so  great  and  wise  a  prince,  made 
him  afraid  to  trust  himself.  But  will  your  majesty, 
continued  he,  permit  me  to  ask  you  a  question  in  my 
turn  ?  Why  do  you  read  your  speeches  in  parliament  ? 
Why,  doctor,  replied  the  king,  I'll  tell  you  very  candidly. 
I  have  asked  them  so  often  for  money,  that  I  am  ashamed 
to  look  them  in  the  fiice  ! 

1190.  The  late  Duchess  of  York  having  desired  her 
housekeeper  to  seek  out  for  a  new  laundress,  a  decent 
looking  woman  was  recommended  for  the  situation. 
But,  said  the  housekeeper,  I  am  afraid  she  will  not  suit 
your  royal  highness ;  as  she  is  a  soldier's  wife,  and  these 
people  are  generally  loose  characters.  "W^hat  is  it  you 
say?  said  the  duke,  who  had  just  entered  the  room — a 


JOE  miller's  jests.  241 

soldier's  wife  !    Pray,  madam,  what  is  your  mistress  ?    I 
desire,  that  the  woman  may  be  immediately  engaged. 

1191.  A  man  that  had  been  terribly  troubled  with 
lawsuits,  went  one  day  to  Tyburn  to  see  an  execution, 
and  then  swore  'twas  better  to  have  to  do  with  Tyburn 
than  Westminster  Hall ;  for  there,  suits  hang  half  a 
year,  but  at  Tyburn,  half  an  hour's  hanging  ends  all. 

1192.  Some  men  sitting  drinking  together,  were  prais- 
ing the  ale  about  England,  as  Hull  ale,  Margate  ale, 
Cheshire  ale,  and  Lambeth  ale.  One  said  there  was  in 
London  to  his  knowledge  the  best  in  all  England ;  and 
yet,  said  another,  there's  as  good  ale  in  England,  as  in 
London. 

1193.  A  notorious  cunning  thief,  upon  being  taken  up, 
applied  for  a  peace  warrant  against  the  justice, — as,  he 
said,  he  stood  in  fear  of  his  life  from  him. 

1194.  A  country  gentleman  asked  a  wise  man,  when 
he  saw  a  fellow  abuse  and  sneer  at  him.  Why  he  did  not 
return  it.  Why  truly,  said  he,  I  think  I  should  do  very 
indiscreetly  in  so  doing ;  for  if  an  ass  kicks  you,  do  you 
kick  him  again  ? 

1195.  A  man,  in  a  bitter  cold  night,  was  passing 
through  the  street,  and  seeing  all  a-bed,  and  no  candle 
in  any  window,  bethought  himself  of  this  project;  up 
and  down  he  went  crying.  Fire,  fire,  fire  !  which  made 
several  come  to  their  windows.  They  asked  him  where 
it  was  ?  he  replied,  That  was  just  what  he  wanted  to 
know,  for  he  was  devilish  cold. 

1196.  Some  apprentices  in  London  being  about  to  act 
a  play  one  Christmas,  when  they  were  perfect,  went  to  a 
grave  citizen,  and  requested  him  to  lend  them  his  clothes 
to  act  a  play  in.  No,  said  he,  nobody  shall  play  the  fool 
in  my  clothes  but  myself. 

1197.  At  a  certain  battle,  a  Spanish  cardinal  went  in 
among  the  soldiers,  and  advised  them  not  to  spare  their 
lives,  but  to  exert  their  utmost  courage,  promising  them 
a  remission  of  all  their  sins,  and  that  those  who  died  in 
battle  should  dine  with  the  angels  in  Paradise ;  and  hav- 


242  JOE  miller's  jests. 

ing  thus  recoTicilecl  them,  he  was  about  to  retire  from 
tlie  field,  which  one  of  the  sokliers  perceivino::,  said  to 
hiiii,  And  will  you  not  stay  and  dine  with  us  in  Paradise? 
To  which  the  valiant  cardinal  replied,  His  dinner  hour 
was  later. 

1198.  The  bishop  of  the  diocese  in  which  Dornfront 
in  Xormandy  is  situated,  understanding  that  the  curates 
within  his  diocese  exacted  too  much  from  their  parish- 
ioners, made  a  table  to  regulate  the  fees  for  baptism, 
marriages,  and  burials ;  but  the  curate  of  Dornfront 
would  not  baptize  under  double  the  sum  limited  by  the 
table  ;  whereupon,  complaint  being  made  to  the  bishop, 
he  was  summoned  to  appear  before  his  diocesan,  and  for 
his  defence,  he  alleged,  that  he  baptized  all,  but  seldom 
buried  any,  for  that  as  soon  as  they  came  to  be  of  age, 
they  Avere  generally  carried  to  Rouen  to  be  hanged  for 
false  witnesses  ;  so  that  by  this  means,  he  Avas  deprived 
of  the  fees  for  interment.  But  he  would  agree,  that  if 
any  Avere  buried  in  the  parish,  he  Avould  undertake  to  do 
it  for  nothing ;  and  to  prove  his  statement  correct,  he 
produced  a  list  of  two  hundred  he  had  baptized,  of 
Avhich  more  than  one  hundred  and  eighty  had  been 
hanged.  The  bishop,  upon  the  aforesaid  consideration, 
ordered  the  poor  curate  to  pay  himself  for  the  burials  at 
the  time  of  baptism. 

1199.  Avas  but  of  little  stature,  and  dining  one 

day  at  the  royal  table,  witli  two  scholars,  both  large 
men,  the  king  sent  him  a  dish  Avith  two  large  fishes  and 
one  small  one,  bidding  him  to  divide  them  betAveen  him- 
self and  the  two  scholars ;    upon  AA^iich, laid  the 

two  large  fishes  in  his  oAvn  plate,  and  sent  the  small  one 
to  the  tAVO  scholars.  His  majesty  laughing,  said,  Faith, 
you  are  no  equal  diA'ider.  That  is  your  majesty's  mis- 
take, said  he,  and  pointing  to  himself  and  the  tAvo  great 
fishes,  said.  Here  are  two  great  and  one  little,  and  on 
the  other  side  are  one  little  and  tAVO  great. 

1200.  A  Franciscan  one  day  mounted  on  a  showy 
horse,  Avas  met  by  a  burgess,  AA'ho  reminded  him,  that 
being  of  the  order  of  St.  Francis,  he  was  obliged  by 


JOE  millek'o  jests.  243 

vow  to  follow  him,  but  he  went  on  foot,  and  you  are  on 
horseback.  Alas  !  replied  the  friar,  you  have  reason  to 
say  I  ought  to  follow  the  holy  founder  of  our  order,  but 
'tis  so  long  since  he  went  before,  that  it  is  impossible  to 
overtake  him  on  foot,  and  it  will  be  hard  to  do  it  on 
horseback,  unless  I  spur  along. 

1201.  Dominico,  the  harlequin,  going  to  see  Louis  XIV. 
at  supper,  fixed  his  eyes  on  a  dish  of  partridges.  The 
king,  who  was  fond  of  his  acting,  said.  Give  that  dish 
to  Dominico.  And  the  partridges  too,  sire  ?  Louis, 
penetrating  into  the  artfulness  of  the  question,  replied, 
And  the  partridges  too.     The  dish  was  gold. 

1202.  A  fool  being  at  church  at  vespers,  and  observing 
that  as  soon  as  one  of  the  priests  began  the  office,  all  the 
rest  fell  a  singing,  presently  ran  to  him  and  gave  him  a 
sound  cuff  on  the  ear,  saying.  We  should  have  been 
quiet  enough,  if  this  brawling  fellow  had  not  begun  to 
cry  first. 

1203.  Admiral  Duncan's  address  to  the  officers  who 
came  on  board  his  ship  for  instructions,  previous  to  the 
engagement  with  Admiral  de  Winter,  was  both  laconic 
and  humorous — Gentlemen,  you  see  a  severe  Winter  ap- 
proaching ;  I  have  only  to  advise  you  to  keep  up  a  good 
fire. 

1204.  Johnson  did  not  like  to  be  over-fondled  :  when 
a  certain  gentleman  out-acted  his  part  in  this  way,  he  is 
said  to  have  demanded  of  him.  What  provokes  your 
risibility,  sir  ?  Have  I  said  anything  that  you  under- 
stand ?  If  I  have,  I  ask  pardon  of  the  rest  of  the  com- 
pany. 

1205.  A  lady  meeting  a  girl  Avho  had  lately  left  her 
service,  inquired.  Well,  Mary,  where  do  you  live  now  ? 
Please,  Ma'am,  I  don't  live  nowhere  now,  rejoined  the 
girl,  I'm  married ! 

1206.  A  tobacconist  having  set  up  his  chariot,  in 
order  to  anticipate  the  jokes  that  might  be  passed  on 
the  occasion,  displayed  on  it  the  Latin  motto  of  "  Quid 
rides,''    Two  sailors  who  had  often  used  his  shop,  seeing 


244  JOE  miller's  jests. 

him  pass  by  in  his  carriage,  the  one  asked  the  meaning 
of  the  inscription,  when  his  companion  said  it  was  plain 
enough,  repeating  them  as  two  English  words,  Quid 
rides. 

1207.  Two  gentlemen  passing  a  blackberry-bush  when 
the  fruit  was  unripe,  one  said  it  was  ridiculous  to  call 
them  black  berries,  when  they  were  red.  Don't  you 
know,  said  his  friend,  that  blackberries  are  always  red 
when  they  are  green  ! 

1208.  An  Athenian,  who  wanted  eloquence,  but  was 
very  brave,  when  another  had,  in  a  long  and  brilliant 
speech,  promised  great  aifairs,  got  up,  and  said,  Men  of 
Athens,  all  that  he  has  said,  I  will  do. 

1209.  Louis  XII.  being  at  his  castle  of  Plassey,  near 
Tours,  went  one  evening  into  the  kitchen,  where  he 
found  a  boy  turning  the  spit.  The  lad  had  something 
in  his  countenance  which  prepossessed  the  king  in  his 
favour,  and  he  demanded  who  he  was.  The  boy,  not 
knowing  the  king,  replied  with  simplicity,  that  his  name 
was  Stephen — that  he  came  from  Berri — and  that  he 
gained  as  much  as  the  king.  How  much  gains  the  king? 
demanded  Louis,  with  some  degree  of  astonishment. 
His  expenses,  said  the  boy,  and  I  gain  mine.  This 
answer  so  much  pleased  the  monarch,  that  he  appointed 
him  one  of  the  valets-de-chambre. 

1210.  When  Pope  Clement  XIY.  (Ganganelli)  ascend- 
ed the  papal  chair,  the  ambassadors  of  the  different  states 
waited  on  him  with  congratulations  :  when  they  were  in- 
troduced, they  bowed,  and  he  returned  the  compliment 
by  bowing  likewise ;  the  master  of  the  ceremonies  told 
his  holiness  he  should  not  have  returned  their  salute.  O, 
I  beg  your  pardon,  said  the  pontiff,  I  have  not  been  pope 
long  enough  to  forget  good  manners. 

1211.  It  was  said  of  a  great  calumniator,  and  a  fre- 
quenter of  other  persons'  tables,  that  he  never  opened 
his  mouth  but  at  somebody's  expense. 

1212.  A  link-boy  asked  Dr.  Burgess,  the  preacher,  if  he 
would  have  a  light  ?    No,  child,  said  the  doctor,  I  am 


JOE  miller's  jests.  245 

one  of  the  lights  of  the  world.  I  wish  then,  replied  the 
boy,  you  were  hung  up  at  the  end  of  our  alley,  for  we 
live  in  a  terrible  dark  one. 

1213.  Two  very  honest  fellows,  who  dealt  in  brooms, 
meeting  one  day  in  the  street,  one  asked  the  other,  how 
he  could  afford  to  under- sell  him  everywhere  as  he  did, 
when  he  stole  the  stuff,  and  made  the  brooms  himself  ? 
Why,  you  silly  dog,  answered  the  other,  I  steal  them 
ready  made. 

1214.  Two  sporting  men  discom*sing  about  a  horse 
that  had  lost  a  race,  one  of  them,  by  way  of  apology,  ob- 
served. That  the  cause  of  it  was  an  accident,  his  running 
against  a  waggon  ;  to  which  the  other,  who  affected  not 
to  understand  him,  archly  replied,  Why,  what  else  was 
he  fit  to  run  against  ? 

1215.  A  fellow  stole  Lord  Chatham's  large  gouty 
shoes  :  his  servant  not  finding  them,  began  to  curse  the 
thief.  I^ever  mind,  said  his  lordship,  all  the  harm  I  wish 
the  rogue  is,  that  the  shoes  may  fit  him  ! 

1216.  Sir  Isaac  Xewton,  one  evening  in  winter,  feeling 
it  extremely  cold,  instinctively  drew  his  chair  very  close 
to  the  grate,  in  which  a  fire  had  been  recently  lighted. 
By  degrees,  the  fire  being  burnt  up.  Sir  Isaac  began  to  feel 
the  heat  intolerably  intense,  and  rang  his  bell  with  unusual 
violence.  John  was  not  at  hand ;  he  at  last  made  his  ap- 
pearance, by  the  tjme  Sir  Isaac  was  almost  literally  roasted. 
Remove  the  grate,  you  lazy  rascal !  exclaimed  Sir  Isaac, 
in  a  tone  of  irritation  very  uncommon  with  that  amiable 
and  placid  philosopher  ;  remove  the  grate,  ere  I  am 
burned  to  death  ?  Please  your  honour,  might  you  not 
rather  draw  back  your  chair  ?  said  John,  a  little  wag- 
gishly. Upon  my  word,  said  Sir  Isaac,  smiling,  I  never 
thought  of  that. 

1217.  A  judge,  on  passing  sentence  of  death  upon  an 
Irishman,  said  as  usual,  I  have  nothing  now  to  do  but  to 
pass  the  dreadful  sentence  of  the  law  upon  you.  Oh, 
don't  trouble  yourself  on  my  account,  interrupted  Pat.  I 
must  do  my  duty,  resumed  the  judge : — you  must  go 


246        .  JOE  miller's  jests. 

from  hence  to  the  place  of  execution,  where  yon  are  to 
be  hanged  by  your  neck  till  you  are  dead  ;  and  the  Lord 
have  mercy  on  your  soul !  I  am  much  obliged  to  you, 
said  the  prisoner,  but  I  never  heard  of  any  one  thriving 
after  your  prayers. 

1218.  Triboulet,  the  fool  of  Francis  the  First,  was 
threatened  with  death  by  a  man  in  power,  of  whom  he 
had  been  speaking  disrespectfully ;  and  he  applied  to  the 
king  for  protection.  Be  satisfied,  said  the  king ;  if  any 
man  shall  put  you  to  death,  I  will  order  him  to  be  hanged 
a  quarter  of  an  hour  after.  Ah,  Sir !  replied  Triboulet,  I 
should  be  much  obliged,  if  your  Majesty  would  order 
him  to  be  hanged  a  quarter  of  an  hour  before. 

1219.  An  Irishman,  having  bought  a  sheep's  head,  had 
been  to  a  friend  for  a  direction  to  dress  it.  As  he  was 
returning,  repeating  the  method,  and  holding  his  pur- 
chase under  his  arm,  a  dog  snatched  it,  and  ran  away. 
Now,  my  dear  joy,  said  the  Irishman,  what  a  fool  you 
make  of  yourself !  what  use  will  it  be  to  you,  as  you 
don't  know  how  it  is  to  be  dressed  ? 

1220.  A  penurious  citizen,  who  used  to  feed  his  ap- 
prentices with  nothing  but  lights  and  livers,  and  such  like 
trash,  having  appointed  to  meet  one  of  his  men  in  the 
fields,  the  fellow  came  to  him  with  a  heavy  clog  upon  his 
neck ;  his  master  asking  him  his  reason  for  so  doing,  he 
answered  him,  That  he  had  fed  so  long  on  lights,  that  he 
was  forced  to  carry  that  weight  about'  him,  lest  the  air 
should  blow  him  away. 

1221.  Dryden's  wife  complained  to  him  that  he  was 
always  reading,  and  took  little  notice  of  her  :  I  wish,  said 
she,  that  I  was  a  book,  and  then  I  should  enjoy  more  of 
your  company.  Yes,  my  dear,  replied  Dryden,  I  wish 
you  were  a  book — but  an  almanack,  I  mean,  for  then  I 
should  change  you  every  year. 

1222.  Two  gentlemen  having  wagered  upon  the  num- 
ber of  characteristic  specimens  of  native  brilliancy  they 
should  encounter  in  a  rural  excursion,  one  of  them  thus 
addressed  a  stone-breaker  on  the  road  : — My  good  fellow, 


JOE    itlLLER's   JESTS.  247 

were  the  devil  to  come  now,  which  of  us  two  would  he 
carry  away  ?  After  a  little  hesitation,  that  savoured  of 
unexpected  dulness,  the  man  modestly  lifting  up  his  eyes 
from  his  work,  answered.  Me,  sir.  Annoyed  by  the  sto- 
lidity of  this  reply,  the  querist  pressed  him  for  a  reason  : 
Because,  your  honour,  he  would  be  glad  of  the  opportu- 
nity to  catch  myself — he  could  have  you  at  any  time. 

1223.  A  gentleman  meeting  another  upon  the  high 
road,  riding  upon  an  exceedingly  lean  horse,  and  Avith  a 
great  stick  by  his  side,  asked  the  reason  why  he  was  so 
armed  :  he  replied.  That  it  was  to  defend  his  person  and 
keep  off  false  knaves.  But,  sir,  said  he,  in  my  mind  you 
liad  better  have  ridden  with  a  gun.  Why  so  ?  said  the 
liorseman.  To  keep  away  the  crows,  who  are  waiting  to 
jDrey  upon  the  carrion  you  are  riding  upon. 

1224.  When  Brummell  retirecTto  France,  he  was  alto- 
gether ignorant  of  French,  and  obtained  a  grammar  for 
the  purpose  of  study.  Scrope  Davies  being  asked  what 
progress  lie  had  made,  replied.  That  Brunmiell  had  been 
stopped  like  Bonaparte  in  Russia,  by  the  elements. 

1225.  A  thatcher  being  at  work  upon  a  cold  Christmas 
Eve,  and  beating  his  arms  about  his  ribs  to  warm  him- 
self, a  fellow  passing  by,  observed  it,  and  said,  You  have 
but  cold  working  there  on  the  edge  of  the  house.  'Tis 
very  true,  answered  the  old  man,  for  I  have  wrought  on 
a  hundred  Christmas  Eves,  and  if  I  said  a  hundred  more, 
I  think  I  should  not  be  wrong,  and  yet  I  vow  I  never  felt 
such  a  cold  one  before. 

1226.  One  going  into  Smithfield  on  a  market-day,  call- 
ed to  a  horse-courser  aloud,  and  said,  Prithee,  friend,  how 
go  horses  to-day  ?  Marry,  as  you  see — some  amble,  some 
trot,  some  gallop. 

1227.  A  pleasant  fellow  willing  to  put  off  a  lame  horse, 
rode  him  from  the  Sun  Tavern,  Cripplegate,  to  the  Sun 
in  Holborn,  and  the  next  day  offered  to  sell  him  in  Smith- 
field  ;  a  bidder  asking  why  the  horse  looked  so  lean  ? 
was  answered.  It  was  no  marvel,  as  lie  rode  him  yester- 
day from  Sun  to  Sun,  and  never  drew  bit. 


248 


1228.  One  entering  of  a  cold  morning  into  a  tavern 
with  his  friend,  called  to  the  waiter  to  have  a  fire  quickly 
made,  who  brought  wet  faggots,  which  were  long  in 
kindling,  making  only  a  smothering  smoke,  while  the 
sap  tired  apace  out  of  the  faggots ;  which  observing,  he 
said,  I  now  perceive,  and  never  knew  before,  from 
Avhence  the  river  of  Styx  was  derived. 

1229.  One  meeting  a  drunkard  reeling  in  the  street, 
bade  him  stand  up  like  a  man ;  who  answered  him,  Tliat 
for  his  own  part,  he  could  stand  well  enough,  but  he 
could  not  make  his ''shoes  stand. 

1230.  A  country  farmer's  wife  in  the  north,  having  a 
nice  lad  for  her  son,  about  seven  years  old,  bid  him  fetch 
home  the  kine  from  the  field,  to  be  milked  in  the  yard  ; 
til  ere  were  six  in  number.  The  boy  went  as  bid,  and 
drove  home  but  five.  *  Marry,  said  his  mother,  what's 
become  of  the  sixth  ?  She  is  turned  down  that  deep 
dirty  lane  where  I  could  not  come  at  her,  and  I  think 
she  is  going  to  the  devil.  To  the  devil  !  said  the  moth- 
er ;  nay,  then  stay,  Bob,  thy  father  shall  go,  as  he  has 
boots  on. 

1231.  There  was  a  man  whose  nose  leaned  more  to- 
wards one  side  than  the  other  ;  a  friend  disposed  to  have 
a  laugh  with  him,  said,  I  know  what  your  nose  is  not 
made  of,  and  I  know  of  what  it  is.  First,  I  can  assure 
you,  it  is  not  made  of  wheat,  and  secondly,  I  will  be 
■judged  by  all  the  company,  if  it  be  not  made  a-rye. 

1232.  A  traveller  reported  to  be  drowned,  a  friend  of 
his  being  in  company,  wdien  the  letters  came  that  brought 
the  first  news  of  his  death,  fetched  a  deep  sigh,  with 
these  words,  God  rest  his  soul,  for  he  has  gone  the  way 
of  all  flesh.  Nay,  said  another  then  standing  b}^,  if  he  is 
drowned,  he  has  gone  the  way  of  all  fish. 

1233.  One  of  the  great  stone  letters  fell  from  the 
top  of  Nortliampton  House  and  dashed  out  a  scholar's 
l)rains.  It  happened  not  long  after,  that  a  good  honest 
fellow,  who  could  neither  read  nor  write,  behig  in  com- 
pany with  three  or  four  very  ingenious  gentlemen,  upon 


JOE  xMiller's  jests.  249 

a  sudden  broke  out  into  a  deep  melancholy,  and  said, 
A^ell,  I  thank  God  I  can  neither  read  nor  write.  One  of 
the  others  smiling,  replied,  You  speak  strangely,  for  I 
and  the  rest  here  thank  God  we  can  do  both.  All's  one 
for  that,  said  he,  yet  let  myself  and  others  be  thankful 
we  can  do  neither.  They  asked  his  reason  ;  he  gave 
them  this  explanation.  Because,  said  he,  Ave  can  walk 
the  street  with  a  security  that  you  bookmen  cannot. 
They  desired  him  to  explain  himself.  Why,  said  he,  if 
one  letter  falling  from  the  top  of  a  house,  had  the  power 
to  knock  out  the  brains  of  a  scholar,  what  safety  should 
we  live  iii,  to  be  troubled  with  four  and  twenty  letters  ? 
Now,  thank  heaven,  I  have  nothing  to  do  with  letters, 
and  I  cannot  see  that  letters  have  anything  to  do  with  me. 

1234.  Two  country  fellows  meeting  at  an  assizes  in  the 
country,  one  asked  the  other,  What  news,  and  how 
many  were  condemned  to  suffer  ?  The  other  answered, 
This  hath  been  the  strangest  session  that  ever  was  in  my 
time  ;  I  have  not  known  the  like,  for  there  is  no  execu- 
tion at  all ;  and  is  it  not  worth  observation,  that  so  many 
justices  should  sit  on  the  bench,  and  not  one  thought 
proper  to  be  hanged  ? 

1235.  Miss  Pope  was  one  evening  in  the  green-room, 
commenting  on  the  excellencies  of  Garrick,  when, 
amongst  other  things,  she  said,  he  had  the  most  wonder- 
ful eye  imaginable — an  eye,  to  use  a  vulgar  phrase,  that 
would  penetrate  through  a  deal  board.  Ay,  cried  We- 
witzer,  I  now  understand  what  they  call  a  gimlet  eye. 

1236.  A  worthy  gentleman  and  good  scholar  had  been 
a  long  time  in  disgrace  with  Queen  Elizabeth,  the  reason 
I  know  not,  nor  am  willing  to  examine  ;  but  a  friend  of 
his,  who  was  in  great  favour  at  court,  persuaded  the 
queen  to  give  him  an  audience.  The  time  came,  and 
after  the  customary  introduction,  the  queen  said,  I  under- 
stand you  are  a  great  scholar  ;  may  I  ask  you  one  ques- 
tion ?  Anything,  madam,  said  he,  that  I  am  capable 
of  resolving.  Then  pray  you,  how  many  vowels  are 
there  ?  Madam,  that  is  a  question  a  schoolboy  can  resolve, 


250  JOE    MILLER'S   JESTS. 

but  since  you  would  be  answered  by  me,  there  are  five. 
Five,  said  her  majesty — well,  of  these  five,  which  can  we 
best  spare  ?  Not  any  of  them,  madam,  replied  he,  with- 
out corrupting  our  natural  dialect.  Yes,  replied  the 
queen,  I  can  tell  you,  for  of  all  these,  we  can  (for  our 
own  part)  best  spare  u  [you]. 

1237.  One  gentleman  objecting  to  another,  that  he  was 
the  first  of  his  house,  the  other  answered.  That  I  am 
the  first  of  my  house,  is  so  much  more  to  my  honour — 
you  are  likely  to  be  the  last  of  yours. 

1288.  One  thinking  with  barbarous  Latin  to.confound 
a  scholar,  came  and  saluted  hini  in  these  words,  Ars  tu 
fons^  art  thou  well  ?  To  wliom  the  scliolar  quickly, 
Asinus  fons  asiniis  tu,  that  is,  as  well  as  you. 

1239.  Two  fellows  purposing  a  journey,  hired  a  horse 
betwixt  them,  to  ride  by  turns  ;  the  one  laid  down  half 
the  hire,  and  called  upon  his  partner  for  the  other  half, 
which  he  willingly  paid ;  which  being  done,  said  he, 
Mark  the  conditions  between  us,  Avhich  are  these — when 
I  ride,  then  you  shall  go  on  foot ;  and  when  you  go  on 
foot,  then  I  shall  ride  ;  that  is  the  condition — will  you 
stand  to  it?  Yes,  with  all  my  heart,  said  the  other. 
So  the  first  mounted  and  rode  the  whole  journey,  and 
left  the  other  to  come  on  foot  after  him. 

1240.  A  sleepy  waiter,  sitting  asleep  under  the  pulpit, 
the  preacher  beating  his  desk  so  hard,  that  he  being 
suddenly  awakened,  cried  out  in  a  loud  voice.  Coming, 
sir,  coming. 

1241.  Two  gentlemen  having  quarrelled  in  a  passage, 
one  of  them,  wishing  to  make  his  escape  from  the  house, 
asked.  How  shall  I  get  by  you  ?  Get  by  me  !  replied  the 
other,  what  did  I  ever  get  by  you  ? 

1242.  I  am  going  to  write  a  work  upon  Popular  Ignor- 
ance, said  a  young  man  to  a  much  older  i^erson  :  I  know 
no  one  more  competent,  was  the  reply. 

1243.  Walpole  once  persuaded  Mrs.  Kerwood  not  to 
go  home  by  water,  because  it  would  be  damp  after  the 
rain. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  251 

1244.  Lord  Hartington  asked  the  Governor  of  Rome, 
what  tliey  had  determined  about  the  vessel  that  the 
Spaniards  liad  taken  under  tlie  cannon  of  Civita  Vecchia, 
w]iether  they  had  restored  it  to  the  English  ?  The  gov- 
ernor said,  They  had  done  justice.  His  lordship  replied, 
If  you  had  not,  we  should  have  done  it  ourselves. 

1245.  The  late  Duchess  of  Bolton  resolved  upon  go- 
ing to  China,  when  Whiston  told  her  the  world  would 
be  burnt  in  three  years. 

1246.  A  gentleman  coming  into  a  church,  where  was 
none  of  the  best  music  in  the  world,  hearing  them  sing, 
*'  Have  mercy  upon  us. miserable  sinners."  Ay,  said  he, 
they  might  very  well  have  said.  Have  mercy  upon  us 
miserable  singers. 

1247.  A  humorous  schoolmaster,  one  morning  as  he 
was  washhig  his  hands,  called  one  of  his  higher  boys  to 
him,  and  said.  Here  boy,  what  is  the  Latin  for  a  ladder? 
The  youth  answered,  Scala.  Fye,  fye,  quoth  the  school- 
master, what  an  asinego  you  are !  prithee  tell  me,  wdiat 
is  the  Latin  for  a  lad?  Adolescens^  replied  the  boy. 
Very  well,  and  cannot  you  form  the  comparative  degree 
of  that  ?  Adolescentior^  said  the  boy.  Ay,  ay,  now 
thou  hast  done  it  like  a  scholar  indeed. 

1248.  A  country  baker  having  occasion  to  call  at  the 
house  of  a  certain  justice  of  the  peace,  as  he  was  riding 
out  through  a  great  court,  savy  a  parcel  of  fat  geese,  and, 
catching  up  one,  whipped  it  into  his  basket.  The  justice 
by  chance  espying  him  from  one  of  the  windows,  called 
after  him,  saying,  Bak-er,  bak-er.  To  which  the  baker 
replied,  I  will,  sir,  I  will,  sir,  and  rode  away  as  fast  as 
he  could.  Some  days  after,  the  justice  sent  a  warrant 
for  him,  and  demanded  of  him  how  he  dare  carry  away 
his  goose  in  that  manner  ?  To  which  he  replied,  I  have 
done  nothing  but  what  your  worship  commanded  me, 
for  your  worship  bid  me  bake-her,  and  that  I  have  done 
in  a  good  pie,  and  drank  your  Avorship's  health  at  the 
eating  of  it.  The  justice,  for  the  jest's  sake,  excused  the 
baker. 

1249.  A  Welchman  having  been  to  London,  his  friends, 


262  JOE  miller's  jests. 

according  to  custom,  on  his  return,  demnncled  of  him 
what  news  ?  He  answered.  That  he  knew  little  news  ; 
he  had  only  observed  one  strange  thing  there,  that  every 
little  boy  of  five  or  six  years  old  could  speak  English 
perfectly,  which  he  thought  very  strange  ;  because,  in  his 
country,  they  learn  to  speak  it,  as  in  England  they  learn 
to  speak  French. 

1250.  A  ship  being  in  a  storm  at  sea,  was  in  great 
danger  ;  whereupon,  the  captain  commanded  every  man 
to  throw  into  the  sea  his  heaviest  things.  A  passenger, 
who  had  his  wife,  then  offered  to  throw  her  overboard ; 
but  the  crew  saved  her,  and  asked  him  whether  he  was 
mad  to  try  and  throw  her  overboard ;  who  answered, 
She  is  the  heaviest  thing  I  have,  and  I  can  best  spare 
her.  I  assure  you,  she  has  long  been  a  heavy  burthen  to 
me  ;  I  pray,  therefore,  let  me  throw  her  over. 

1251.  A  talking  barber  once  asked  a  gentleman  in 
what  fashion  he  would  be  trimmed,  In  silence,  was  the 
reph^ 

1252.  It  is  related  of  a  well-known  magistrate  of  times 
past,  that  being  often  deceived  by  false  rumours  of 
Queen  Elizabeth's  death,  he  protested  that  he  would 
never  believe  she  was  dead,  until  he  saw  it  under  her 
own  hand. 

1253.  A  good  fellow  having  tippled  rather  too  liber- 
ally, and  his  head  being  fuller  of  liquor  than  discretion, 
as  he  went  along  the  streets,  happened  in  the  dark  to 
run  against  a  post ;  and  he,  conceiving  it  to  have  been 
some  man  that  had  affronted  him,  fell  upon  the  post  with 
his  fists,  and  of  course  soon  beat  off  all  the  skin  from 
his  knuckles.  One  coming  by,  demanded  of  him,  what 
was  the  matter  ?  Why,  said  he,  I  have  met  here  with  a 
rascal  who  jostled  me,  and  will  not  suffer  me  to  pass 
quietly  by  him.  Alas,  see,  said  the  other,  you  are  mis- 
taken, it  is  a  post.  A  post !  said  he,  why  then  he  should 
have  blown  his  horn. 

1254.  A  cook  of  one  of  the  colleges  at  Cambridge, 
serving  up  dinner,  gave  to  one  of  the  assistants  a  neat's 


253 


tongue  to  put  upon  the  table ;  the  fellow  not  having  firm 
hold  of  the  dish,  let  it  fall  to  the  ground,  so  that  it  was 
not  fit  for  serving,  whereat  the  cook  was  very  angry  ;  the 
poor  fellow  begged  the  cook  not  to  be  so  very  angry,  it 
was  but  a  lapsus  li7iguce. 

1255.  Two  or  three  gentlemen  visiting  a  citizen,  he,  at 
their  departure,  asked  them  if  they  would  please  to  take 
a  glass  of  beer,  apologizing  for  its  being  small  beer,  but 
such  as  contented  him  and  his  family  ;  they  accepted  it, 
saying,  it  was  no  matter  for  the  smallness,  so  it  were  fresh. 
One  of  them  tasting  it,  the  other  asked  him  if  the  beer 
was  fresh.  Yes,  quoth  he,  I  assure  you  it  is  fresh,  as  if 
it  had  been  all  night  in  water. 

1256.  At  a  general  iissizes  in  Queen  Elizabeth's  days, 
two  plain  country  fellows  having  some  business  there, 
were  gazing  upon  the  bench,  until  the  time  they  should 
be  called,  discoursing  betwixt  themselves,  said  the  one 
to  the  other,  I  much  wonder  at  one  thing,  and  would 
gladly  be  resolved  thereof:  the  other  demanding  of  him 
what  it  was  he  wished  to  know,  was  answered,  I  have 
often  mused  with  myself,  why  all  the  judges  go  shaven, 
and  there  is  no  appearance  of  a  beard  to  be  seen  amongst 
them  all.  To  which  the  other  replied,  Neighbour,  that 
is  a  doubt  Avhich  is  easily  decided  ;  for  in  this  place  they 
ought  to  wear  no  beards,  for  you  ought  to  know  they  re- 
present her  majesty. 

1257.  In  many  towns  of  this  kingdom,  mechanics  are 
often  made  mayors.  Amongst  others,  one  who  was 
elected  to  that  ofiice,  thought  it  would  be  but  becoming 
that  his  wife  should  be  dressed  according  to  the  dignity 
of  tlie  situation,  and  accordingly  ordered  her  new  apparel 
from  top  to  toe  ;  she  not  accustomed  to  such  gaiety,  was 
not  a  little  proud,  and  coming  somewhat  late  to  church, 
at  the  moment  when  the  auditory  rose  up  for  the  reve- 
rence of  the  gospel,  which  she  mistaking,  and  thinking 
it  liad  been  done  to  her,  said  aloud,  I  thank  you  all,  my 
good  friends  and  neighbours,  I  shall  not  be  unmindful  of 
this  courtesy. 

1258.  A  person  being  asked  the  reason  why  his  head 


254  JOE  miller's  jests. 

was  so  intermixed  with  white  hnirs,  that  it  was  indeed 
quite  gi*ey,  and  that  not  one  coiikl  be  seen  in  his  beard, 
answered,  It  is  no  wonder,  the  hair  of  my  head  is  older 
\  than  that  of  my  beard  by  twenty  years. 

1259.  The  parson  of  a  country  village,  visiting  one  of 
his  sick  parishioners,  among  other  comforting  words, 
said  to  him,  Be  of  good  cheer,  my  good  friend,  for  I 
hope  thou  wilt  be  carried  into  Paradise.  To  which  the 
sick  man  replied.  Your  speech  is  comforting  to  me,  for 
if  the  way  is  long,  I  should  never  be  able  to  walk  there. 

1260.  Two  country  fellows  filling  out,  were  at  very 
hot  words,  insomuch  that  one  gave  the  other  the  lie,  who 
taking  it  in  great  disgrace,  bent  his  fist  and  threatened 
revenge  ;  the  other,  knowing  hiijiself  unable  to  grapple 
with  him,  denied  his  words  ;  in  conclusion,  the  defendant 
was  so  pressed,  that  in  plain  terms  lie  gave  him  the  lie, 
saying.  Thou  liest  to  say  I  gave  thee  the  lie.  To  which 
the  other  answered.  It  is  well  now  at  last  that  thou  hast 
given  me  satisfaction. 

1261.  A  country  fellow  had  an  idle  housewife,  who 
would  do  nothing  but  sit  before  the  fire,  and  suffer 
everything  to  go  to  sixes  and  sevens  ;  coming  one  day 
from  his  labour,  and  finding  her  sitting  as  customary, 

-  lolling  by  the  fire,  he  took  up  a  stick,  and  began  to  cud- 
gel her  soundly ;  at  which  she  cried  out,  Alas,  husband, 
what  do  you  mean  ?  you  see  I  am  doing  nothing,  I  am 
doing  nothing.  That  is  the  very  reason  why  I  am  beat- 
ing you,  said  he. 

1262.  A  person  who  had  a  great  shrew  for  his  wife,  in 
one  of  the  quarrels,  got  so  enraged,  that  he  could  not 
contain  himself,  but  snatched  up  a  flagon  that  happened 
to  be  near,  and  gave  her  a  very  deep  wound  on  her  head, 
the  cost  of  curing  which  was  very  considerable.  This 
woman  sitting  at  another  time  among  her  gossips,  said 
openly,  My  husband  does  not  dare  to  break  my  head  any 
more,  he  paid  so  dearly  for  the  last  cure.  This  being 
told  to  the  husband,  he  sent  for  the  apothecary  and  sur- 
geon, and,  calling  for  his  wife,  when  they  arrived,  he 
paid  each  of  them  their  bill,  and  also  gave  them  money 


JOE   MILLEK  S   JESTS.  255 

in  advance,  in  earri^st  of  tlie  next  cure  she  might  re- 
quire. We  need  not  say,  the  husband  was  not  further 
annoyed. 

1263.  An  Irishman  said  to  his  companions  on  Christ- 
mas Eve,  he  did  not  mean  to  have  a  phun-pudding  for 
dinner  next  day.  Why  so  ?  asked  they.  Och,  I  have 
raisons  for  it.  Then  you  did  intend  it,  since  you  have 
got  the  raisins. 

1264.  A  gentleman  passing  in  dirty  weather  through 
a  street  in  which  the  pavement  had  been  broken  up,  got 
bespattered  with  mud — on  looking  about  him  in  his  dis- 
tress, he  saw  written  up  on  a  board,  "  No  thorough- 
fare"— Egad,  said  he,  they  may  well  say  that ;  for  I  have 
proved  it  thorough  foul. 

1265.  A  distinguished  gentleman,  whose  nose  and  chin 
are  both  very  long,  and  who  has  lost  his  teeth,  whereby 
the  nose  and  chin  are  brought  very  close  together,  was 
told,  I  am  afraid  your  nose  and  chin  will  fight  before 
long,  they  approach  each  other  so  very  menacingly.  I 
was  afraid  of  it  myself,  replied  the  gentleman,  for  a  good 
many  words  have  passed  between  them  already. 

1266.  A  servant,  near  Limerick,  at  the-  time  that 
everybody  was  required  to  deliver  in  their  arms,  wrote 
to  his  master  at  Dublin,  that  lie  had  secured  the  fire 
arms,  having  sent  all  the  j^okers  and  tongs  to  the  bar- 
racks. 

1267.  A  young  lady  at  the  Exhibition  at  the  Sufifolk 
Street  Gallery,  looking  at  a  subject  of  still  life, — plates, 
dishes,  &c.,  asked  the  gentleman  who  accompanied  her, 
to  look  in  the  catalogue  and  see  what  it  was  ;  he  replied, 
A  study.  Why,  goodness,  said  she,  I  took  it  for  a  kit- 
chen ! 

1268.  A  fine  ship  was  lately  launched,  at  which  Sir 
Henry  Tempest  attended.  A  wag  observed.  What  a 
pity  it  is,  that  a  tempest  should  accompany  such  a 
launch. 

1269.  On  the  expulsion  of  Mr.  Jones  from  the  Irish 


256  JOE   MILLER'S   JESTS. 

House  of  Commons,  a  punning  wag  remarked,  that  this 
Avas  not  In-I-go  Jones — but  Out-I-go  Jones. 

1270.  Of  a  person  as  remarkable  for  his  irregularity 
as  for  his  musical  talents,  it  was  aptly  remarked,  that  the 
whole  tenor  of  his  conduct  was  thorough  base. 

1271.  A  fashionable  Irish  gentleman  having  made  a 
purchase  of  Hume's  History  of  England,  went  into  a 
bookseller's  shop  to  have  it  most  elegantly  bound. 
What  binding  would  you  like  best  ?  asked  the  book- 
seller, would  you  like  it  bound  in  Russia  ?  In  Russia ! 
exclaimed  the  man  of  fashion  ;  Oh,  no,  no,  that  is  too 
far  off,  I'd  rather  have  it  bound  in  Bond  Street. 

1272.  A  very  corpulent  gentleman  travelling  in  the 
north,  was  walking  backwards  and  forwards  in  front  of 
an  inn,  while  the  horses  were  changing.  One  of  the 
gapers,  an  inhabitant  of  the  place,  had  a  mind  to  be 
witty :  viewing  the  gentleman's  person,  he  accosted  him 
with — I  see,  sir,  you  carry  your  portmanteau  before  ye. 
Certainly,  said  he,  I  always  think  it  requisite  to  have  it 
under  my  eye,  when  passing  through  a  suspicious  look- 
ing place. 

1273.  G'rattan  being  asked  his  opinion  of  the  valour 
of  a  certain  captain,  who  from  excess  of  feeling  put  up 
with  a  severe  castigation,  replied.  That  he  thought  it 
odd,  for  to  his  knowledge  the  captain  had  fought.  Who, 
who  ?  cried  his  informant.     Shy,  said  the  witty  barrister. 

1274.  A  trader  in  Dublin,  said  one  day  to  his  friend, 
I  will  be  ruined.  I  am  sorry  for  it,  said  the  other, 
but  if  you  will  be  ruined,  you  know  no  one  can  prevent  it. 

1275.  A  gentleman  being  much  pressed  in  company  to 
sing  a  song,  observed  pettishly.  That  they  only  wanted 
to  make  a  butt  of  him.  By  no  means,  my  dear  fellow, 
rejoined  one  of  his  tormentors,  we  only  want  to  get  a 
stave  out  of  you. 

1276.  A  Welchman  coming  to  London  to  pursue  a  suit 
at  law,  chanced  to  steal  a  sow,  for  which  he  was  taken 
and  burnt  in  the  hand.     His  friends  asked  him,  when  he 


JOE  miller's  jests.  25')' 

arrived  home,  How  the  law  went  with  him  ?     Priddie 
well,  said  he,  for  hur  has  got  hur  in  hur  hand. 

1277.  What  did  Mr.  King  die  of?  asked  a  simple 
neighbour.  Of  a  complication  of  disorders,  replied  liis 
friend.     How  do  you  describe  a  complication,  my  good 

/  sir  ?     He  died,  rejoined  the  other,  of  two  physicians,  an 
apothecary,  and  a  surgeon. 

1278.  Parson  Hawkins  passing  the  River  Wye,  to  Bi- 
ford,  where  he  lived,  had  with  him  one  Bartholomew 
Herring,  who,  being  heavy  laden,  fell  over  the  side  of 
the  boat  into  the  river ;  Hawkins  cried  out,  Save  the 
man,  save  the  man.  Herring  answered,  Hold  your 
tongue,  am  I  not  in  my  element ! 

1279.  Serjeant  Hoskins  having  married  an  old  widow, 
and  being  asked  by  a  companion  of  his.  Why  he  did  not 
marry  a  young  woman  ?  answered.  He  had  a  maxim  for 
it  in  his  accidence.  In  legendls  veteribus  projiciscis,  [In 
reading  old  authors  thou  dost  profit.] 

1280.  A  young  man  walking  along  Cheapside,  espied 
a  house  shut  up,  with  a  bill  over  the  door,  showing  that 
the  house  and  shop  were  to  be  let.  Pie  asked  a  person 
at  the  next  door,  If  the  shop  might  be  let  alone  ?  Yes, 
replied  the  other,  you  may  let  it  alone,  for  anything  I 
know. 

1281.  A  orownsman  at  Cambrids-e  was  once  baro^ainino^ 
with  Fordham  for  a  horse  ;  the  latter  was  taken  sudden- 
ly very  ill  and  died  ;  there  were  very  few  pounds  be- 
tween them  in  respect  to  the  price.  The  gownsman,  not 
knowing  what  had  occurred,  called  next  morning  at  the 
yard,  and  asked  to  see  Mr.  Fordham.  Master,  sir,  said 
tlie  ostler,  is  dead,  but  he  left  word  you  should  have  the 
horse. 

1282.  A  caravan  of  wild  beasts  arriving  lately  in  an 
American  village,  the  elephant  was  accommodated  in  a 
large  carriage-house — where,  it  appeared,  a  tall  two- 
fisted  negro  from  the  country,  who  had  never  seen  or 
Iieard  of  an  elephant,  had  lain  down  to  sleep.     On  wak- 

^  ing,  blacky  was  not  a  little  astonished  at  his  strange  bed- 


258  JOE    MILLER^S   JESTS. 

fellow.  What  could  it  be?  The  devil!  The  huge 
mass  moved,  when  lo,  a  tail  at  both  ends  put  an  end  to 
all  doubt,  and,  with  one  despairing  leap,  he  was  out  of 
the  loft  window,  without  once  calculating  upon  the 
chance  of  breaking  his  neck.  In  the  fulness  of  his  aston- 
ishment and  joy  at  his  escape,  he  could  tell  no  more  of 
the  occasion  of  his  alarm,  than  of  a  devil  with  two  tails, 
and  describe  in  his  best  way,  an  extending,  contracting, 
flexible  tail,  that  no  distance  could  secure  you  from. 

1283.  The  following  anecdote  is  related  of  Lessing,  the 
German  author,  who,  in  his  old  age,  was  subject  to  ex- 
traordinary fits  of  abstraction.  On  his  return  home  one 
evening,  after  he  had  knocked  at  his  door,  the  servant 
looked  out  of  the  window  to  see  who  was  there  ;  not  re- 
cognizing his  master  in  the  dark,  and  mistaking  him  for 
a  stranger,  he  called  out.  The  Professor  is  not  at  home. 
Oh,  very  Avell,  replied  Lessing,  no  matter,  I  Avill  call  an- 
other time  ;  and  very  composedly  walked  away. 

1284.  A  young  clergyman  finding  it  impossible  to  pro- 
vide for  his  fiimily  with  his  very  slender  income,  wrote 
to  his  friend — Dear  Frank,  I  must  part  with  my  living  to 
save  my  life. 

1285.  A  bookseller  in  Paris  being  lately  asked  for  a 
copy  of  the  'Constitution  of  1814,'  replied — Sir,  I  keep 
no  periodicals. 

1286.  A  lecturer  on  the  history  of  chemistry,  thus  de- 
scribed the  celebrated  Mr.  Boyle  :  He  was  a  great  man, 
a  very  great  man ;  he  was  father  of  modern  chemistry, 
and  brother  of  the  Earl  of  Cork. 


259 


A  Hecei^Jt  to  make  an  Epigram. 

BY   LORD   HBRVEY. 

A  pleasing  subject  first  with  care  provide ; 

Your  matter  must  with  nature  be  supplied  ; 

Nervous  your  diction,  be  your  measure  long, 

Nor  fear  your  verse  too  stiff  if  sense  be  strong : 

In  proper  places  proper  numbers  use, 

And  now  the  quicker,  now  the  slower  chuse  : 

Too  soon  the  dactyl  the  performance  ends, 

But  the  slow  spondee  coming  thoughts  suspends ; 

Your  last  attention  on  the  sting  bestow. 

To  that  your  good  or  ill  success  you'll  owe  ; 

For  there,  not  wit  alone  must  shine,  but  humour  flow. 

Observing  these,  your  epigram's  completed ; 

Nor  fear  'twill  tire,  though  seven  times  repeated. 

0)1  Ben  Jbiison's  Bust  set  up  in  Westminster  Abbey ^  with  the  buttons  on  the 
lorong  side  of  his  coat. 

BY  THE   BEV.    SAMUEL    WESLEY. 

0  rare  Ben  Jonson !     What,  a  turn-coat  grown  ! 
Thou  ne'er  wert  such  till  thou  wert  clad  in  stone. 
When  time  thy  coat,  thy  only  coat,  impairs, 
Thou'lt  find  a  patron  in  a  hundred  years : 
Then  let  not  this  mistake  disturb  thy  sprite, 
Another  age  shall  set  thy  buttons  right. 

On  Quints  comparing  Garrich  to   Whitfield,  and  complaining,  that  the 
people  were  madding  it  after  him. 

BY   G— CE. 

Pope  Quin,  M^ho  damns  all  churches  but  his  own, 
Complains  that  heresy  misleads  the  town. 
That  Whitfield-Garrick  does  corrupt  the  age, 
And  taints  the  sound  religion  of  the  stage. 

Thou  great  infallible  !  forbear  to  roar ; 

Thy  bulls  and  errors  are  revered  no  more  : 
Where  doctrines  meet  with  general  approbation, 
It  is  not  heresy,  but  reformation. 

On  Miss  Biddy  Floyd,    by  dean  swift. 

When  Cupid  did  his  grandsire  Jove  intreat, 
To  form  some  beauty  by  a  new  receipt, 
Jove  sent  and  found,  far  in  a  country  scene, 
Truth,  innocence,  good-nature,  looks  serene ; 


260  JOE   MILLER  S   JESTS. 

From  which  ingredients  first  the  dextrous  boy 
Picked  the  demure,  the  awkward,  and  the  coy  : 
The  Graces  from  the  court  did  next  provide 
Breeding,  and  wit,  and  air,  and  decent  pride ; 
These  Venus  cleansed  from  every  spurious  grain 
Of  nice,  coquet,  affected,  pert,  and  vain : 
Jove  mixed  up  all,  and  his  best  clay  employed, 
Then  called  the  happy  composition,  Floyd. 

On  the  Grave-stone  of  a  Blacksmith^  buried  in  Cliester  (Jlmrch-yard. 

My  sledge  and  hammer  lie  reclined, 
M}'  bellows  too  have  lost  their  wind ; 
My  fire's  extinct,  my  forge  decayed, 
And  in  the  dust  my  vice  is  laid  ; 
My  coal  is  spent,  my  iron's  gone. 
My  nails  are  drove,  my  work  is  done ; 
My  fire-dried  corpse  lies  here  at  rest. 
My  soul,  smoke  like,  is  soaring  to  be  blest. 

On  a  Monument  intended  to  be  erected  for  Mr.  Boxve.^  by  hif  Widow. 
Written  before  Mr.  Dryden's  ivas  set  up. 

BY   MR.    POPE. 

Thy  reliques,  Rowe,  to  this  fair  shrine  we  trust, 
And,  sacred,  place  by  Dryden's  awful  dust. 
Beneath  a  rude  and  nameless  stone  he  lies. 
To  which  thy  tomb  shall  gain  inquiring  ej^es  : 
Peace  to  thy  gentle  shade,  and  endless  rest, 
Blest  in  thy  genius,  in  thy  love  too  blest ; 
One  grateful  woman  to  thy  fame  supplied 
What  a  whole  thankless  land  to  his  denied. 

On  Maid^s. 

Most  maids  resemble  Eve  now  in  their  lives, 
Who  are  no  sooner  women,  but  they're  wives. 

On  Giles  Jacob,  tlie  Poet,    bt  de.  sewell. 

Parent  of  dulness !  genuine  son  of  night ! 
Total  eclipse  !  without  one  ray  of  light : 
Born  when  dull  midnight  bells  for  funerals  chime, 
Just  at  the  closing  of  the  bellman's  rhyme. 

BY   DEAN   SWIFT. 

As  Thomas  was  cudgelled  one  day  by  his  wife. 
He  took  to  his  heels  and  ran  for  his  life: 


JOE    MILLERS    JESTS.  201 

Tom's  three  dearest  friends  came  by  in  the  squabble, 
And  skreened  him  at  once  from  the  shrew  and  the  rabble ; 
Then  ventured  to  give  him  some  wholesome  advice: 
But  Tom  is  a  fellow  of  humour  so  nice, 
Too  proud  to  take  counsel,  too  wise  to  take  warning, 
He  sent  to  all  three  a  challenge  next  morning : 
He  fought  with  all  three,  thrice  ventured  his  life. 
Then  went  home  again,  and  was  thrashed  by  his  wife. 

Translated  from  buchanak. 
Beginning,  Pauper  eram  juvenis,  &c. 

Poor,  when  in  youth,  now  worn  with  feeble  age 
I'm  rich  ;  but  wretched  still  in  either  stage : 
"When  wealth  I  could  enjoy  I  then  had  none ; 
Now  plenty's  come,  all  power  of  use  is  gone. 

On  a  Company  of  lad  Dancers  to  good  Mmic.     by  mr.  budqell. 
How  ill  the  motion  with  the  music  suits ! 
So  Orpheus  fiddled,  and  so  danced  the  brutes. 

Tlie  Lover'' s  Legacy. 
Unhappy  Strephon,  dead  and  cold, 

His  heart  was  from  his  bosom  rent, 
Embalmed,  and  in  a  box  of  gold. 

To  his  beloved  Kitty  sent. 

Some  ladies  might,  perhaps,  have  fainted, 

But  Kitty  smiled  upon  the  bauble ; 
A  pin-cushion,  said  she,  I  wanted, 

Go  put  it  on  the  dressing-table. 

The  Scotch  Weather- Wife. 

Scotland,  thy  weather's  like  a  modish  wife; 
Thy  winds  and  rains  maintain  perpetual  strife ; 
So  termagant,  a  while,  her  thunder  hies  ; 
And  when  she  can  no  longer  scold — she  cries. 

On  Milton,     by  mr.  dryden. 

Three  poets,  in  three  distant  ages  born, 
Greece,  Italy,  and  England  did  adorn ; 
The  first  in  loftiness  of  thought  surpast ; 
The  next  in  majesty  ;  in  both  the  last. 
The  force  of  nature  could  no  farther  go — 
To  make  a  third  she  joined  the  former  two. 


262  JOE  miller's  jests. 

Written  in  tlie  leaves  of  a  Fan. 

BY  DR.    ATTERBURY,    A   LATE  BISHOP   OP    ROCHESTBB. 

Flavia  the  least  and  slightest  toy, 

Can  with  resistless  art  employ  : 

This  fan  in  meaner  hands  would  prove 

An  engine  of  small  force  in  love; 

Yet  she  with  graceful  air  and  mien, 

Not  to  be  told  or  fairly  seen, 

Directs  its  flowing  motion  so, 

That  it  wounds  more  than  Cupid's  bow; 

Gives  coolness  to  the  matchless  dame, 

To  every  other  breast  a  flame. 

Written  in  Miss  F 's  Few  at  I Church, 

With  awe,  with  pleasure  and  surprise, 
I  view  the  lightning  of  your  eyes ; 
Lightning  !  that  w^ounds  me  as  it  flies. 

What  prayer  !  what  vow !  to  Heaven  can  go  ? 

For  all  devotion  you  subdue  ; 

At  least,  'tis  all  transferred  to  you. 

In  vain  is  human  strength — its  boasted  art — 

While  you  sit  here,  you  share  my  vows  in  part ; 

To  Y *  I  give  my  ears,  to  you  my  eyes  and  heart. 

The  Lucky  Man,    by  me.  welsted. 

I  owe,  says  Metius,  much  to  Colon's  care  •, 
Once  only  seen,  he  chose  me  for  his  heir : 
True,  Metius ;  hence  your  fortunes  take  their  rise ; 
His  heir  you  were  not,  had  he  seen  you  twice. 

To  Mr.   T—d^  on  his  complimenting  Mr.  F—de  on  his  Poetry. 

F — de  whites  well,  you  say  ;  suppose  it  true. 
You  pawn  your  word  for  him  ; — he'll  vouch  for  you  ; 
So  two  poor  knaves,  when  once  their  credit  fail, 
To  cheat  the  world,  become  each  other's  bail. 

On  a  handsome  Wo7nan,  with  a  fine  voice,  but  very  covetous  and  proud. 
So  bright  is  thy  beauty,  so  charming  thy  song, 
As  had  drawn  both  the  beasts,  and  their  Orpheus  along ; 
But  such  is  thy  avarice  and  such  is  thy  pride, 
That  the  beasts  must  have  starved,  and  the  poet  have  died. 

*  The  Minister. 


JOE   MILLEE'S   JESTS.  263 

Venus  mistaJcen.    by  mr.  prior. 

When  Chloe's  picture  was  to  Venus  shown, 
Surprised,  the  goddess  took  it  for  her  own  ; 
And  what,  said  she,  does  this  bold  painter  mean  ? 
"When  was  I  bathing  thus,  and  naked  seen  ? 
Pleased,  Cupid  heard,  and  checked  his  mother's  pride  ; 
And  who's  bhnd  now,  mamma  ?  the  urchin  cried, 
"lis  Chloe's  eye,  and  cheek,  and  lip,  and  breast, 
Friend  Howard's  genius  fancied  all  the  rest. 

Ejyitaph  on  Mr.  Harcourfs  Tomh.     by  mk.  pope. 

To  this  sad  shrine,  whoe'er  thou  art,  draw  near, 
Here  lies  the  friend  most  wept,  the  son  most  dear, 
Who  ne'er  knew  joy  but  friendship  might  divide, 

Nor  gave  his  father  grief but  when  he  died. 

How  vain  is  reason  !  eloquence  how  weak  ! 
When  Pope  must  tell  what  Harcourt  cannot  speak. 
Yet  let  thy  once-loved  friend  inscribe  the  stone, 
And  with  a  father's  sorrow  mix  his  own. 

Ah,  no !  'tis  vain  to  strive it  will  not  be  ; 

No  grief  that  can  be  told  is  felt  for  thee. 

Frometlieus  ill-painted,     by  mk.  cowley. 

How  wretched  does  Prometheus'  state  appear, 

Whilst  he  his  second  misery  suffers  here. 

Draw  him  no  more,  lest,  as  he  tortured  stands. 

He  blame  great  Jove's  less  than  the  painter's  hands. 

It  would  the  vulture's  cruelty  outgo. 

If  once  again  his  liver  thus  should  grow. 

Pity  him,  Jove,  and  his  bold  theft  allow  ; 

The  flames  he  once  stole  from  thee  grant  him  now. 

Of),  a  Lady  wTio  pretended  to  tell  Fortunes,     by  mr.  mottlby. 

Some  oracles  of  old,  to  cause  more  wonder. 

Were,  when  pronounced,  accompanied  with  thunder : 

But  thy  predictions  come  not  in  a  storm. 

They  are  delivered  by  the  brightest  form : 

If,  when  you  speak,  Jove  does  not  pierce  the  sky, 

Yet  still  you've  all  his  lightning  in  your  eye. 

The  Cure  of  Love. 

When,  Chloe,  I  confess  my  pain, 

In  gentle  words  your  pity  show ; 
But  gentle  words  are  all  in  vain, 

Such  gales  my  flame  but  higher  blow. 


2D4  JOE  miller's  jests. 

Ah,  Chloe,  Avoiild  jou  cure  the  smart 
Your  con qu' ring  ej'es  have  keenly  made, 

Yourself  upon  my  bleeding  heart — 
Yourself,  fair  Chloe,  must  be  laid. 

Thus  for  the  viper's  sting  we  know, 

No  surer  remedy  is  found, 
Than  to  apply  the  tort'ring  foe, 

And  squeeze  his  venom  on  the  wound. 

Epitapli  on  an  xinknown  Person. 

Without  a  name,  for  ever  senseless,  dumb. 
Dust,  ashes,  nought  else,  hes  within  this  tomb. 
Where'er  I  lived,  or  died,  it  matters  not ; 
To  whom  related,  or  by  whom  begot ; 
I  was,  but  am  not,  ask  no  more  of  me — 
It's  all  I  am,  and  all  that  thou  shalt  be. 

E])ita])li. 

Here  lies  a  lady,  who,  if  not  belied, 
Took  wise  St.  Paul's  advice,  and  all  things  tried  ; 
Nor  stopt  she  here  ;  but  followed  through  the  rest, 
And  always  stuck  the  longest  to  the  best. 

In  a  window  of  a  room  in  the  Tower  of  London  is  written; 
R.  Walpole,  1712. 

Underneatlh  tliat,  are  tlie  following  lines  : 

Good  unexpected,  evil  unforeseen, 
Appear  by  turns,  as  fortune  shifts  the  scene : 
Some,  raised  aloft,  come  tumbling  down  again, 
And  fall  so  hard,  they  bound  to  rise  again. 

Tlie  Artist,     by  mr.  coxcaxkn. 

Very  nicely  thou  lay'st  on  thy  colours,  dear  Nan, 

And  no  painter  in  skill  can  o'ertop  ye  ; 
When  to  Ellys  you  sat,  he  dully  brushed  on, 
Till  he  thought  he  had  an  original  drawn, 
Which  you  proved  to  be  only  a  copy. 

Epitaph  on  a  talkative  old  Maid. 

Beneath  this  silent  stone  is  laid 

A  noisy  antiquated  maid. 

Who,  from  her  cradle,  talked  till  death, 

And  ne'er  before  was  out  of  breath. 

Whither  she's  gone  we  cannot  tell, 

For  if  she  talks  not  she's  in  hell : 


2G5 


If  she's  in  heaven  she's  there  un blest, 
Because  she  hates  a  place  of  rest. 

A  Simile. 

Women  to  cards  may  be  compared :  we  play 
A  round  or  two ;  when  used,  we  throw  away, 
Take  a  fresh  pack ;  nor  is  it  worth  our  grieving 
Who  cuts  and  shuffles  with  the  dirty  leaving. 

Thais,  her  teeth  are  black  and  naught, 
Lucania's  white  are  grown : 

But  what's  the  reason  ?     These  are  bought, 
The  other  wears  her  own. 

The  disappointed  Husband. 
Mulieri  ne  crede,  ne  mortuce  quidem. 

A  scolding  wife  so  long  a  sleep  possessed, 
Her  spouse  presumed  her  soul  was  now  at  rest. 
Sable  was  called  to  hang  the  room  in  black  ; 
And  all  their  cheer  was  sugar-rolls  and  sack. 
Two  mourning  staffs  stood  sentry  at  the  door ; 
And  silence  reigned,  who  ne'er  was  there  before. 
The  cloaks,  and  tears,  and  handkerchiefs  prepared, 
They  marched  in  woeful  pomp  to  Abchurch  Yard ; 
When  see  of  narrow  streets  what  mischiefs  come ! 
The  very  dead  can't  pass  in  quiet  home  : 
By  some  rude  jolt,  the  coffin  lid  was  broke. 
And  madam  from  her  dream  of  death  awoke. 
Now  all  was  spoiled  :  the  undertaker's  pay, 
Sour  faces,  cakes,  and  wine,  quite  thrown  away. 
But  some  years  after,  when  the  former  scene 
Was  acted,  and  the  coffin  nailed  again. 
The  tender  husband  took  especial  care. 
To  keep  the  passage  from  disturbance  clear ; 
Charging  the  bearers  that  they  tread  aright, 
Nor  put  his  dear  in  such  another  fright. 

Among  the  fair  that  Hyde  Park  Circus  grace, 
Canidia  seeks  admirers  of  her  face  ; 
In  vain  her  airs,  her  wanton  arts  she  tries, 
Among  those  beauties  that  engage  all  eyes : 
Bright  rays,  like  diamonds,  they  around  'em  fling, 
Whilst  she  is  but  the  cipher  of  the  ring. 


266  JOE  miller's  jests. 

On  a  Bobhery. 
Eidway  roWd  Duncote  of  three  hundred  pounds  ; 

Ridway  was  taken  and  condemned  to  die : 
But  for  his  money  was  a  courtier  found, 

Begged  Ridway's  pardon  :  Duncote  now  doth  cry, 
Robbed  both  of  money  and  the  law's  relief, 
The  courtier  is  become  the  greater  thief. 

0)1  Suicide  :  from  maktial.    by  mr.  sewell. 
When  all  the  blandishments  of  life  are  gone. 
The  coward  creeps. to  death,  the  brave  lives  on. 

A  Dialogue  between  two  very  had  Poets,    by  mh.  concaneic. 

Says  Richard*  to  Joe,t  thou  rt  a  very  sad  dog. 
And  thou  canst  write  verses  no  more  than  a  log  ; 
Says  Joseph  to  Dick,  prithee,  ring-rhyme,  get  hence : 
Sure  my  verse,  at  least,  is  as  good  as  thy  sense. 
Was  e'er  such  a  contest  recorded  in  song  ? 
The  one's  in  the  right,  and  the  other's  not  wrong. 

To  a  Painter  drawing  a  Lady's  Picture,     by  mr.  denxis, 

Het  who  great  Jove's  artillery  aped  so  well, 
By  real  thunder  and  true  lightning  fell ; 
How  then  durst  thou,  with  equal  danger  try 
To  counterfeit  the  lightning  of  her  eye  ? 
Painter,  desist ;  or  soon  the  event  will  prove 
That  Love's  as  jealous  of  his  arms  as  Jove. 

The  Choice. 

Too  conscious  of  her  worth,  a  noble  maid 
Baulked  many  a  lover,  and  her  mind  out-strayed, 
While  yet  a  peer,  less  doubting  than  the  rest, 
Defied  her  coldness,  and  attacked  her  breast. 
A  spaniel  whelp,  and  spaniel  lord,  declare 
Their  vows  to  serve,  and  hope  to  please  the  fair ; 
The  cautious  nymph,  still  fearing  a  trepan, 
Their  fortune,  wit,  and  worth,  did  nicely  scan  ; 
Then,  as  the  reason  of  the  case  is  clear. 
Embraced  the  puppy,  and  dismissed  the  peer. 

On  a  certain  Writer. 

Half  of  your  book  is  to  an  index  grown  ; 

You  give  your  book  contents,  your  readers  none. 

*  Savage.  t  Mitchel.  %  Salmoneus, 


JOE  miller's  jests.  267 

On  a  Flower  painted  hy  Varelst.    by  mr.  prior. 

When  famed  Varelst  this  little  wonder  drew, 
Flora  vouchsafed  the  growing  work  to  view  ; 
Finding  the  painter's  science  at  a  stand, 
The  goddess  snatched  the  pencil  from  his  hand. 
And,  finishing  the  piece,  she  smiling  said, 
Behold  one  work  of  mine,  which  ne'er  shall  fade. 

An  Epitaph  on  Little  StepTien.  a  voted  Fiddler  in  the  County 
of  Svffolh. 

Stephen  and  Time 

Are  now  both  even  ; 
Stephen  beat  Time, 

Now  Time  beats  Stephen. 

On  Giles  and  Joan. 

Who  says  that  Giles  and  Joan  at  discord  be  ? 

The  observing  neighbours  no  such  mood  can  see ; 

Indeed,  poor  Giles  repents  he  married  ever. 

But  that  his  Joan  doth  too  :  and  Giles  would  never, 

By  his  free  will,  be  in  Joan's  company  ; 

No  more  would  Joan  he  should  :  Giles  riseth  early, 

And  having  got  him  out  of  doors  is  glad ; 

The  like  is  Joan  :  but  turning  home  is  sad  ; 

And  so  is  Joan :  oft-times  when  Giles  doth  find 

Harsh  sights  at  home,  Giles  wishes  he  were  blind ; 

All  this  doth  Joan ;  or,  that  his  long-earned  life 

Were  quite  out-spun  ;  the  like  wish  hath  his  wife  : 

In  all  affections  she  concurreth  still ; 

If  now  with  man  and  wife  to  will  and  nill 

The  self  same  things,  a  note  of  concord  be, 

I  know  no  couple  better  can  agree. 

To  a  Sempstress. 

Oh,  what  bosom  but  must  yield, 

When,  like  Pallas,  you  advance, 
With  a  thimble  for  your  shield. 

And  a  needle  for  your  lance  ! 
Fairest  of  the  stitching  train. 

Ease  my  passion  by  your  art ; 
And  in  pity  to  my  pain. 

Mend  the  hole  that's  in  my  heart. 

On  a  Certain  Poet. 

Thy  verses  are  eternal,  0  my  friend  ! 

For  he  who  reads  them,  reads  them  to  no  end. 


268  JOE  miller's  jests. 


A  Distich^  written,  under  tTie  sian  of  fhe  King''s  Head,  and  Bell 
Dublin,  at  the  host's  request. 

BY   DEAN   SWIFT. 

May  the  king  live  long  ; 
Dong,  ding,  ding,  dong. 

On  seeing  a  Miser  at  Vauxhall  Gardens. 

Music  has  charms  to  sooth  a  savage  breast, 
To  calm  the  tyrant,  and  relieve  the  opprest : 
But  Vauxhall's  concert's  more  attracting  power 
Unlocked  Sir  Richard's  pocket  at  threescore : 
Oh  !  strange  effect  of  music's  matchless  force, 
To  attract  a  shilling  from  a  miser's  purse  ! 

To  a  Lady  ^oho  Tiad  very  lad  teeth . 

Ovid,  who  bids  the  ladies  laugh. 
Spoke  only  to  the  j^oung  and  fair  ; 

For  thee  his  counsel  were  not  safe. 
Who  of  sound  teeth  have  scarce  a  pair. 

If  thou  the  glass  or  me  believe, 

Shun  mirth,  as  foplings  do  the  wind  ; 
At  Gibber's  face  affect  to  grieve. 
And  let  thy  eyes  alone  be  kind. 

If  thou  art  wise  see  dismal  plays, 
And  to  sad  stories  lend  thy  ear  ; 

With  the  afflicted  spend  thy  days, 
And  laugh  not  above  once  a  year 

On  an  old  Maid's  Marriage. 

Celia,  a  coquet  in  her  prime. 

The  vainest,  ficklest  thing  alive  ; 

Behold  the  strange  effects  of  time  ! 
Marries  and  doats  at  forty-five. 

Thus  weathercocks,  that  for  awhile 
Have  turned  about  with  every  blast, 

Grown  old,  and  destitute  of  oil. 
Rust  to  a  point,  and  fix  at  last. 

A  Cure  for  Love. 
Of  two  reliefs  to  cure  a  love-sick  mind, 
Flavia  prescribes  despair  ;  I  urge,  be  kind  ; 
Flavia,  be  kind  :  the  remedy's  as  sure  ; 
'Tis  the  most  pleasant,  and  the  quickest  cure. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  2G9 

Under  tJic  Picture  of  a  Beau. 

This  vain  thing  set  up  for  a  man, 

But  sec  what  fate  attends  him  ; 
The  powdering  barber  first  began, 

The  barber-surgeon  ends  him. 

Onr  a  Gentleman  drinTcing  the  Healtli  of  an,  unTcind  Mistress. 

Why  dost  thou  wish  that  she  may  live. 
Whose  Hving  beauties  make  thee  grieve  ! 
Thou  wouldst  more  wisely  wish  her  kind, 
That  she  may  change  her  cruel  mind ; 
Thy  present  wish  but  this  can  gain, 
That  she  may  live,  and  thou  complain. 

On,  a  Prize-Flgliter. 

His  thrusts  like  lightning  flew,  yet  subtle  death 
Parried  them  all,  and  beat  him  out  of  breath. 

The  Penance. 

When  Phillis  confessed,  the  father  was  rash, 

And  so,  without  further  reflection. 
Her  delicate  skin  he  condemned  to  the  lash, 

While  himself  would  bestow  the  correction. 
Her  husband,  who  heard  this,  opposed  it  by  urging. 

That  he,  in  regard  to  her  weakness. 
And  to  save  her  soft  back,  would  himself  bear  the  scourging 

With  humble  submission  and  meekness. 
She  piously  cried,  when  the  priest  gave  accord, 

To  show  what  devotion  was  in  her. 
He's  able  and  lusty,  pray  cheat  not  the  Lord, 

For,  alas  !  I'm  a  very  great  sinner. 

On  a  Gentleman  who  died  the  day  after  his  Lady. 

She  first  departed  ;  he  for  one  day  tried 
To  live  without  her  :  liked  it  not,  and  died. 

On  a  Welchman. 

A  Welchman  coming  late  into  an  inn, 
Asked  the  maid  what  meat  there  was  within  ? 
Cow-heels,  she  answered,  and  a  breast  of  mutton  ; 
But,  quoth  the  Welchman,  since  I  am  no  glutton, 
Either  of  these  shall  serve  :  to-night  the  breast. 
The  heels  i'  th'  morning,  then  light  meat  is  best; 
At  night  he  took  the  breast  and  did  not  pay, 
I'  th'  morning  took  his  heels,  and  ran  away. 


270 


The  Fate  of  Poets. 

Seven  wealth}-  towns  contend  for  Homer  dead, 
Through  which  the  living  Homer  begged  his  bread. 

0)1  an  old  Woman  with  false  Ilair.^ 

The  golden  hair  that  Galla  wears 

Is  hers  :  who  would  have  thought  it ! 

She  swears  'tis  hers, — and  true  she  swears  ; 
For  I  know  where  she  bought  it. 

On  another  old  Woman,    by  mr.  pbior. 

From  her  own  native  France,  as  old  Alison  past. 

She  reproached  English  Nell  with  neglect  or  with  malice ; 

That  the  slattern  had  left,  in  the  hurry  and  haste. 
Her  lady's  complexion  and  eye-brows  at  Calais. 

An  Epitaph. 

Here  lies  honest  Strephon  with  Mary  his  bride, 

Who  merrily  lived  and  cheerfully  died ; 

They  laughed  and  they  loved,  and  drank  while  they  were  able, 

But  now  they  are  forced  to  knock  under  the  table. 

This  marble,  which  formerly  served  them  to  drink  on. 

Now  covers  their  bodies, — and  sad  thing  to  think  on ! — 

That  do  what  one  can  to  moisten  our  clay, 

'Twill  one  day  be  ashes,  and  moulder  away. 

On  an  ugly  old  Woman  in  the  Darh.     from  martial. 

"Whilst  in  the  dark  on  thy  soft  hand  I  hung. 
And  heard  the  tempting  syren  in  thy  tongue ; 
What  flames,  what  darts,  what  anguish  I  endured  I 
But,  when  the  candle  entered,  I  was  cured. 

On  a  leautiful  and  ingenious  young  Lady. 

Minerva,  one  day,  pray  let  nobody  doubt  it. 
Rid  an  airing  from  Oxford  six  miles,  or  about  it, 
Where  she  'spied  a  young  damsel  so  blooming  and  fair, 
That,  ah,  Venus !  she  cried,  is  your  ladyship  there  ? 
Pray  is  not  yon  Oxford  ? — and  lately  you  sware. 
Neither  you,  nor  aught  like  you,  should  ever  come  there : 
Do  )'ou  thus  keep  your  promise  ?  and  am  I  defied  ? 
The  virgin  drew  near  her,  and,  smiling  replied, 
—My  goddess  !  what  have  you  your  pupil  forgot  ? 
— Your  pardon,  my  dear, Is  it  you,  Molly  Scot  ? 


JOE  miller's  jests.  271 

To  a  Lady  wlio  married  her  Footman,    colonel  p — -, 

Dear  cousin,  think  it  no  reproach, 

(Thy  virtue  shines  the  more,) 
To  take  black  John  into  the  coach 

He  rode  behind  before. 

On  stealing  a  Pound  of  Candles. 

Light-fingered  Catch,  to  keep  his  hand  in  ure, 

Stole  anything ;  of  this  you  may  be  sure, 

That  he  thinks  all  his  own  which  once  he  handles, 

For  practice-sake  did  steal  a  pound  of  candles  ; 

Was  taken  in  the  fact :  Oh,  foolish  wight ! 

To  steal  such  things  as  needs  must  come  to  light. 

On  a  very  plain  Lady,  that  patched  much. 

Your  homely  face,  Flippanta,  you  disguise, 

With  patches,  numerous  as  Argus'  eyes  ; 

I  own  that  patching's  requisite  to  you, 

For  more  we  are  pleased,  if  less  your  face  we  view ; 

Yet  I  advise,  if  my  advice  you'd  ask. 

Wear  but  one  patch ;  but  be  that  patch  a  mask. 

TJie  Dart. 

Whene'er  I  look,  I  may  descry 
-A  little  face  peep  through  that  eye ; 
Sure  that's  the  boy,  who  wisely  chose 
His  throne  among  such  beams  as  those. 
Which,  if  his  quiver  chance  to  fall, 
May  serve  for  darts  to  kill  withaL 

To  L ,  the  Miser. 

When  thou  art  asked  to  sup  abroad. 

Thou  swear' st  thou  hast  but  newly  dined; 

That  eating  late  does  over-load 
The  stomach  and  the  mind. 

Then  thou  wilt  drink  'till  every  star 

Be  swallowed  by  the  rising  sun  ; 
Such  charms  hath  wine  we  pay  not  for. 

And  mirth  at  others'  charge  begun. 

Who  shuns  his  club,  yet  flies  to  every  treat. 
Does  not  a  supper,  but  a  reck'ning  hate.  < 


272  JOE  miller's  jests. 

On  Jealousy,    bt  a  lady. 

Oh  !  shield  me  from  his  rage,  celestial  powers, 
This  tyrant  that  embitters  all  my  hours. 
Ah,  love,  you've  poorly  played  the  monarch's  part, 
You  conquered,  but  you  can't  defend  my  heart. 
So  blessed  was  I,  throughout  the  happy  reign, 
I  thought  this  monster  banished  from  thy  train ; 
But  you  would  raise  him  to  support  your  throne, 
And  now  he  claims  j^our  empire  as  his  own  : 
Or  tell  me,  tyrants,  have  you  both  agreed. 
There  where  one  reigns,  the  other  shall  succeed  ? 

On  Julians  throwing  a  Snow -Ball. 

Julia,  young  wanton,  flung  the  gathered  snow. 
Nor  feared  I  burning  from  the  watery  blow  : 
'Tis  cold,  I  cried  ;  but,  ah  !  too  soon  I  found. 
Sent  by  that  hand,  it  dealt  a  scorching  wound. 
Resistless  fair  !  we  fly  i\\j  power  in  vain, 
Who  turn'st  to  fiery  darts  the  frozen  rain. 
Burn,  Julia,  burn  like  me,  and  that  desire 
With  water  which  thou  kindlest  quench  with  fire. 

To  Zelinda. 
The  poet  and  the  painter  safely  dare 
To  form  an  image  of  the  proudest  fair : 
Your  brighter  charms,  by  lavish  nature  wrought. 
Transcend  the  painter's  skill,  the  poet's  thought. 

Occasioned  ly  seeing  some  verses  on  Ccelia,  written  on  a  pane 
of  Glass. 

Well  hast  thou  drawn,  fond  youth,  in  properest  place, 

The  short-lived  beauties  of  false  Caelia's  face. 

When  words'  obscurities  thy  sense  o'er-shade. 

The  place  gives  light  to  what  thou  wouldst  have  said. 

Bright  as  this  lucid  glass  her  eyes  now  seem. 

Like  this,  breathed  on  by  fell  disease,  grown  dim. 

Like  glass  is  every  strongest  vow  she  makes, 

Brittle  as  that,  as  easily  she  breaks  ; 

Such  is  her  honour.     Short  her  fame,  we  find, 

Which  cracked,  must  perish  by  the  first  high  wind. 

On  a  Riding-House  turned  into  a  Chapel,     by  mr.  farqithar, 

A  chapel  of  a  riding-house  is  made, 
Thus  we  once  more  see  Christ  in  manger  laid. 
Where  still  we  find  the  jockey  trade  supplied, 
The  laymen  bridled,  and  the  clergy  ride. 


JOE  millee's  jests.  2*73 


0)1  Cldoe. 


Here  Chloe  lies, 

Whose  once  bright  eyes 
Set  all  the  world  on  fire  : 

And  not  to  be 

Ungrateful,  she 
Did  all  the  world  admire. 

Written  extempore,  on  the  Duke  of  Devonshire's  House  at  Chatsworth, 

Qualiter  in  mediis  quam  non  speraverat  urbem, 
Attonitus,  Venetam  navita  cernit  aquis  ; 

Sic  improviso  emergens  et  montibus  imis, 
Attollis  sese  Devoniana  Domus. 

And  thus  translated  ly  collet  cibbek,  esq. 

Not  sailors  view  with  more  astonished  eyes, 
In  open  seas  Venetian  towers  arise, 
Than  from  the  mountains  strangers,  with  delight, 
See  unexpected  Chatsworth  charm  the  sight. 

George  came  to  the  crown  without  striking  a  blow: 
Ah !  quoth  the  Pretender,  would  I  could  do  so. 

On  the  Clare-marlcet  and  other  Orators. 

To  wonder  now  at  Balaam's  ass,  is  weak : 
Is  there  a  day  that  asses  do  not  speak  ? 

The  Niunshull. 

You  beat  your  pate,  and  fancy  wit  will  come ; 
Knock  as  you  please,  there's  nobody  at  home. 

Sylvia. 

Sylvia  makes  a  sad  complaint  she  has  lost  her  lover ; 
Why  nothing  strange  I  in  that  news  discover. 
Nay,  then  thou'rt  dull ;  for  here  the  wonder  lies, 
She  had  a  lover  once  ! — Don't  that  surprise  ? 

On  a  Painter,  loho  stabbed  a  man  fastened  to  a  Cross,  that  he  ndght 
draio  the  picture  of  the  Grucifixion  more  naturally. 

While  his  Redeemer  on  his  canvas  dies. 
Stabbed  at  his  feet  his  brother  weltering  lies. 
The  daring  artist,  cruelly  serene. 
Views  the  pale  cheek,  and  the  distorted  mien  ; 
He  drains  off  life  by  drops,  and  deaf  to  cries, 
Examines  every  spirit  as  it  flies ; 


274  JOE  ioller's  jests. 

He  studies  torment,  dives  in  mortal  woe, 
To  rouse  up  every  pang  repeats  his  blow ; 
Each  rising  agon}^,  each  dreadful  grace, 
Yet  warm  transplanting  to  his  Saviour's  face. 
Oh,  glorious  theft !     0  nobly  wicked  draught ! 
With  its  full  charge  of  death  each  feature  fraught  1 
Su(^  wondrous  force  the  magic  colours  boast, 
From  his  own  skill  he  starts,  in  horror  lost. 

On  a  lianclsoine  Idiot,     by  mr.  congrete. 

When  Lesbia  first  I  saw,  so  heavenly  fair. 

With  eyes  so  bright,  and  with  that  awful  air, 

I  thought  my  heart,  which  durst  so  high  aspire, 

As  bold  as  his  who  snatched  celestial  fire  ; 

But  soon  as  e'er  the  beauteous  idiot  spoke. 

Forth  from  her  coral  lips  such  folly  broke. 

Like  balm  the  trickling  nonsense  healed  my  wound, 

And  what  her  eyes  enthralled,  her  tongue  unbound. 

On  a  dumb  Boy,  'i)ery  'beautiful,  and  of  great  quickness  of  parts. 

WRITTEN   BY   A   LADY. 

I  sing  the  boy,  who,  gagged  and  bound, 
Has  been  by  nature  robbed  of  sound  ; 
Yet  has  she  found  a  generous  way, 
One  loss  b}^  many  gifts  to  pay. 
His  voice,  indeed,  she  close  confined, 
But  blest  him  with  a  speaking  mind  ; 
And  every  muscle  of  his  foce 
Discourses  with  peculiar  grace  : 
The  ladies  tattling  o'er  their  tea. 
Might  learn  to  charm  by  copying  thee. 
If  silence  thus  can  man  become. 
All  women  beauties  would  be  dumb. 
Then,  happy  boy,  no  more  complain, 
Nor  think  thy  loss  of  speech  a  pain  : 
Nature  has  used  thee  like  good  liquor. 
And  corked  thee  but  to  make  thee  quicker. 

Written  on  tJie  Cliainber  Door  of  King  Cliarles  II. 

BY   THE   EARL   OF   ROCHESTER. 

Here  lies  the  mutton-eating  king. 
Whose  word  no  man  relies  on  j 

Who  never  said  a  foolish  thing. 
Nor  ever  did  a  wise  one. 


JOE  millee's  jests.  275 


Mankind  Punished. 

The  crimes  of  men  began  to  grow  so  great, 
That  ho^y  to  punish  justly  puzzled  Fate  ; 
Heaven  sighed  at  last,  that  to  his  sons  so  dear 
A  punishment's  decreed,  and  so  severe : 
Go,  sa3^s  eternal  justice,  hell-hounds,  go, 
And  execute  my  dread  commands  below ; 
Fix  your  rapacious  claws  on  ever}^  door, 
Despoil  the  rich,  and  poorer  make  the  poor ; 
Pity  not  age,  add  to  his  weight  of  years, 
And  fill  the  wretched  widow's  eyes  with  tears  ; 
Disturb  their  sleep,  and  poison  every  dish. 
Nor  let  them  taste,  without  a  doubt,  a  wish : 
The  judge  supreme,  who  each  effect  foresaw, 
Cried,  Havock,  and  let  loose  the  dogs  of  law. 

To  a  young  Gentleman  who  loved  to  drive  hard  with,  a  sorry  pair  of 
Horses. 

BY  ME.    PRIOR. 

Thy  nags,  the  leanest  things  alive, 
So  very  hard  thou  lov'st  to  drive, 
I  heard  thy  anxious  coachman  say 
It  cost  thee  more  in  whips  than  hay. 

Solid  Worth  in  a   Wife. 

When  Loveless  married  Lady  Jenny, 
"Whose  beauty  was  the  ready  penny  ; 
I  chose  her,  said  he,  like  old  plate. 
Not  for  the  fashion,  but  the  weight. 

Epitaph  on  a  Miser. 

Reader,  beware  immoderate  love  of  pelf: 

Here  lies  the  worst  of  thieves,  who  robbed  himself. 

On  a  crooJced  Woman. 
Nature  in  pity  has  denied  you  shape. 
Else  how  should  mortals  Flavia's  chain  escape  ? 
Your  radiant  aspect,  and  5^our  rosy  bloom, 
Without  this  form  would  bring  a  general  doom : 
At  once  our  ruin  and  relief  we  see, 
At  sight  are  captives,  and  at  sight  are  free. 

Fhillis's  Age. 
How  old  may  Phillis  be,  you  ask, 

Whose  beauty  thus  all  hearts  engages  ? 
To  answer  is  no  easy  task  ; 

For  she  really  has  two  ages. 


276  JOE  miller's  jests. 

Stiff  in  brocade,  and  pinched  in  stays, 
Her  patches,  paint,  and  jewels  on; 

All  day  let  Envy  view  her  face, 
And  Phillis  is  but  twenty-one. 

Paint,  patches,  jewels,  laid  aside, 

At  night  astronomers  agree, 
The  evening  has  the  day  belied, 

And  Phillis  is  full  forty-three. 

On  Timothy  Mum,  a  Tapster. 

Here  Tim  the  tapster  lies,  who  drew  good  beer, 
But  now,  drawn  to  his  end,  he  draws  no  more  ; 

Yes,  still  he  draws  from  every  friend  a  tear, 
Water  he.  draws,  who  drew  good  beer  before, 

On  seeinrj  an  engraved  Portrait  of  the  late  Br.  Clieyne  ill  done. 

Nature  and  Yandergutch  in  this  agree, 
Unfinished  she  has  left  him,  so  has  he. 

On  the  death  of  Mary,  Countess  of  PembroTce, 

Underneath  this  sable  hearse 

Lies  the  subject  of  all  verse, 
Sidney's  sister,  Pembroke's  mother : 
Death,  ere  thou  hast  killed  another. 

Fair,  and  learned,  good  as  she. 

Time  shall  throw  his  dart  at  thee. 

To  a  lad  Fiddler. 

Old  Orpheus  played  so  well  he  moved  old  Nick, 
Whilst  thou  mov'st  nothing  but  thy  fiddle-stick. 

Written  on  a   Glass  with  the  Earl  of  Chesterfield's  diamond  pencil. 

Accept  a  miracle  instead  of  wdt; 

See  two  dull  lines  by  Stanhope's  pencil  writ. 

The  real  Affliction. 

Doris,  a  widow,  past  her  prime. 

Her  spouse  long  dead,  her  wailing  doubles ; 
Her  real  griefs  increase  by  time, 

And  what  abates,  improves  her  troubles. 
Those  pangs  her  prudent  hopes  suppressed. 

Impatient  now  she  cannot  smother  : 
How  should  the  helpless  woman  rest  ? 

One's  gone — noi-  can  she  get  another. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  277 

To  an  old  Woman  wTio  used  Faint. 

Leave  off  thy  paint,  perfumes,  and  youthful  dress, 
And  nature's  failing  honestly  confess  ; 
Double  we  see  those  faults  which  art  would  mend, 
Plain  downright  ugliness  would  less  offend. 

To  Flirtilla. 

In  church,  the  prayer-book  and  the  fan  displayed, 
And  the  solemn  curtesies,  show  the  wily  maid ; 
At  plays,  the  leering  looks,  and  wanton  airs. 
And  nods,  and  smiles,  are  fondly  meant  for  snares. 
Alas  !  vain  charmer,  you  no  lovers  get ; 
There  you  seem  hypocrite,  and  here  coquet. 

On  a  picture  of  Mrs.  Arabella  Hunt,  draivn  playing  on  a  lute,  after 
Tier  death. 

Were  there  on  earth  another  voice  like  thine, 
Another  hand  so  blessed  with  skill  divine. 
The  late  afflicted  world  some  hopes  might  have, 
And  harmony  retrieve  thee  from  the  grave. 

On  a  Bursar  of  a  certain  college  in  Oxford  cutting  down  tlie  Trees  near 
the  said  college  for  his  own  use. 

Indulgent  nature  to  each  creature  shows 

A  secret  instinct  to  discern  its  foes  : 

The  goose,  a  silly  bird,  avoids  the  fox  ; 

Lambs  fly  from  wolves,  and  sailors  steer  from  rocks ; 

The  thief  the  gallows,  as  his  fate  foresees. 

And  bears  the  like  antipathy  to  trees. 

On  the  death  of  Mrs.  B ,  who  died  soon  after  her  marriage. 

Hail,  happy  bride  !  for  thou  art  truly  bless'd, 

Three  months  of  rapture  crowned  with  endless  rest. 

Merit  like  yours  was  heaven's  peculiar  care, 

You  loved, — 3^et  tasted  happiness  sincere. 

To  you  the  sweets  of  love  were  only  shown  ; 

The  sure  succeeding  bitter  dregs  unknown  ; 

You  had  not  5''et  the  fatal  change  deplored, 

The  tender  lover  for  the  imperious  lord  ; 

Nor  felt  the  pains  that  jealous  fondness  brings. 

Nor  wept  the  coldness  from  possession  sprung : 

Above  your  sex  distinguished  in  your  fate, 

You  trusted — yet  experienced  no  deceit. 

Soft  were  your  hours,  and  winged  with  pleasures  flew, 

No  vain  repentance  gave  a  sigh  to  you  ; 

And  if  superior  bliss  heaven  can  bestow, 

With  fellow  angels  yon  enjoy  it  now. 


278 

The  Emperor  Adrian^ s  DeatTi-hed  Verses  to  Ids  Soul  imitated. 

Poor  little,  pretty,  fluttering  thing, 

Must  we  no  longer  live  together  ? 
And  dost  thou  prune  thy  trembling  wing 

To  take  thy  flight  the  Lord  knows  whither  ? 

Thy  humorous  vein,  thy  pleasing  folly, 

Lie  all  neglected,  all  forgot ; 
And  pensive,  wavering,  melancholy, 

Thou  dread'st  and  hopest  thou  know'st  not  what. 

To  Celia,  with  a  Simff-lox,  having  a  Loohing- Glass  in  the  Lid. 

Let  others  Venus  and  the  Graces  place. 
Or  Cupid,  god  of  love,  these  toys  to  grace  ; 
Deign,  charmer,  but  to  cast  those  sparkling  eyes 
On  this  fair  mirror,  lo  !  with  glad  surprise, 
A  fairer  form  than  Venus  shall  arise. 
Smile  but  my  fair,  and  view  ten  thousand  loves, 
Cheerful  as  light,  and  soft  as  cooing  doves  : 
Beauty  and  love  with  thee  for  ever  stay, 
Soon  as  thou  closest  the  lid  both  fly  away. 

To  Oliver  Croimcell. 

A  peaceful  sway  the  great  Augustus  bore ; 
O'er  what  great  Julius  gained  by  arms  before; 
Julius  was  all  with  martial  trophies  crowned ; 
Augustus  for  his  peaceful  arts  renowned : 
Eome  calls  them  great,  and  makes  them  deities ; 
That,  for  his  valour  ;  this,  his  policies  : 
You,  mighty  prince,  than  both  are  greater  far. 
Who  rule  in  peace  that  world  you  gained  in  war ; 
You  sure  from  heaven  a  finished  hero  fell. 
Who  thus  alone  two  Pagan  Gods  excel. 

Inscription  for  a  Fountain,  adorned  with  Queen  Anne^s  and  the  late 
Dute  of  Marlborough's  linages,  and  the  chief  Rivers  of  the  World 
round  the  xcorlc. 

Ye  active  streams  !  where'er  your  waters  flow. 
Let  distant  climes  and  farthest  nations  know. 
What  ye  from  Thames  and  Danube  have  been  taught, 
How  Anne  commanded  and  how  Marlborough  fought. 

On  Blood^s  stealing  the  Crown. 

When  daring  Blood,  his  rent  to  have  regained, 
Upon  the  English  diadem  distrained ; 


JOE   MILLER'S   JESTS.  279 

He  chose  the  cassock,  surcingle,  and  gown, 
The  fittest  mark  for  one  who  robs  the  crown : 
But  his  Lay  Pity  underneath  prevailed. 
And  while  he  saved  the  keeper's  life,  he  failed. 
With  the  priest's  vestment,  had  he  but  put  on 
The  prelate's  cruelty,  the  crown  had  gone. 

A  Bedaraiiofi  of  Love. 

You  I  love,  nor  think  I  joke, 
More  than  ivy  does  the  oak  ; 
More  than  fishes  do  the  flood  ; 
More  than  savage  beasts  the  wood  ; 
More  than  merchants  do  their  gain  ; 
More  than  misers  to  complain  ; 
More  than  widows  do  their  weeds ; 
More  than  friars  do  their  beads  ; 
More  than  Cynthia  to  be  praised  ; 
More  than  courtiers  to  be  raised ; 
More  than  lawyers  do  the  bar ; 
More  than  'prentice  boys  a  fair; 
More  than  topers  t'other  bottle  ; 
More  than  women  tittle-tattle  ; 
More  than  jailors  do  a  fee  ; 
More  than  all  things  I  love  thee. 

Written  in  tlie  *  Nbuveaux  InUrets  des  Princes  de  V Europe* 

Blest  be  the  princes  who  have  fought 
For  pompous  names,  or  wide  dominion  ; 

Since  by  their  error  we  are  taught, 
That  happiness  is  but  opinion. 

On  Snuff. 

Jove  once  resolved,  the  females  to  degrade, 

To  propagate  their  sex  without  their  aid ; 

His  brain  conceived,  and  soon  the  pangs  and  throes 

He  felt,  nor  could  th'  unnatural  birth  disclose ; 

At  last,  when  tried,  no  remedy  would  do. 

The  god  took  snuff,  and  out  the  goddess  flew. 

On  a  Fan,  in  which  ivas  painted  the  story  of  Cephalus  and  Procris,  with 
this  motto.  Aura  veni. 

Come,  gentle  air,  th'^/Eolian  shepherd  said, 
While  Procris  panted  in  the  sacred  shade ; 
Come,  gentle  air,  the  fairer  Delia  cries. 
While  at  her  feet  her  swain  expiring  lies. 


280  JOE  millee's  jests. 


Lo  !  the  glad  gales  do  o'er  her  beauties  stray, 

Breathe  in  her  lips,  and  in  her  bosom  play ; 

In  Delia's  hand  this  toy  is  faithful  found, 

Nor  could  that  fixbled  dart  more  surely  wound ; 

Both  gifts  destructive  to  the  givers  prove, 

Alike  both  lovers  fell,  by  those  they  love : 

Yet  guiltless  too  this  bright  destroyer  lives, 

At  random  wounds,  nor  knows  the  wounds  she  gives  : 

She  views  the  story  with  attentive  eyes, 

And  pities  Procris,  while  her  lover  dies. 

The  advantage  of  Jiaving  ttvo  PJiysieians. 

One  prompt  phj^sician  like  a  sculler  plies, 
And  all  his  art  and  all  his  skill  applies  : 
But  two  physicians,  like  a  pair  of  oars. 
Convey  you  soonest  to  the  Stygian  shores. 

TTie  following  Lines  were  found  among  Mr.  Pope's  Papers  in  his  own 
Hand-ivriting. 

Argyll,  his  praise  when  Southerne  wrote, 
First  struck  out  this,  and  then  that  thought ; 
Said  this  was  flatter}^,  that  a  fault. 

How  shall  your  bard  contrive  ? 
My  lord,  consider  vrhat  3'ou  do, 
He'll  lose  his  pains  and  verses  too  ; 
For  if  these  praises  fit  not  you. 

They'll  fit  no  man  ahve. 

On  an  old  Miser. 

Here  lies  father  Sparges, 
Who  died  to  save  charges. 

On  a  Grave-stone  in  Cirencester  Church-Yard. 

God  takes  the  good,  too  good  on  earth  to  stay, 
And  leaves  the  bad,  too  bad  to  take  away. 

Dean  Sivift  leing  sent  for  by  the  Lord  Carteret,  then  Lord  Lieutenant  of 
Ireland,  and  being  made  to  tvait  in  the  Council  Chamber  alone,  wrote 
with  a  Diamond  on  the  Window — 

My  very  good  lord,  'tis  a  ver}^  hard  task 

For  a  man  to  wait  here  who  has  nothing  to  ask. 

My  Lord  coming  soon  after  into  the  room,  wrote  under  it  thus  : 

My  very  good  dean,  there  are  few  who  come  here 
But  have  something  to  ask,  or  something  to  fear. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  281 

Epitaph  on  Mr.  Fenton. 

This  modest  stone,  what  few  vain  marbles  can, 

May  truly  say, — Here  lies  an  honest  man  ! 

A  poet  blessed  beyond  a  poet's  fate, 

Whom  heaven  kept  sacred  from  the  proud  and  great ! 

Foe  to  loud  praise,  and  friend  to  learned  ease, 

Content  with  science  in  the  vale  of  peace ; 

Calmly  he  looked  on  either  life,  and  here 

Saw  nothing  to  regret,  nor  there  to  fear ; 

From  nature's  temperate  feast  rose  satisfied. 

Thanked  heaven  that  he  had  lived,  and  that  he  died. 

The  Petition  of  Justice  JS ns^s  Horse,  to  his  Grace  the  Duke 

of  N . 

Quite  worn  to  the  stumps,  in  a  piteous  condition, 

I  present  to  your  grace  this  my  humble  petition  ; 

Full  twenty-eight  stone,  as  all  the  world  says, 

(To  me  it  seems  more)  my  plump  master  weighs. 

A  load  for  a  team  this,  yet  I  alone 

To  Claremont  must  draw  him,  for  help  I  have  none  ; 

O'er  Esher's  hot  sands,  in  a  dry  summer's  day. 

How  I  sweat  and  I  chafe,  and  I  pant  all  the  way 

But  when  I  return,  and  the  draft  is  increased 

By  what  he  has  crammed — a  stone  at  the  least — 

No  single  horse  can  be,  in  conscience  thought  able 

To  draw  both  the  justice,  and  eke  half  your  table. 

This,  my  case,  gracious  duke,  to  your  tender  compassion 

I  submit,  and  0  !  take  it  in  consideration. 

To  draw  with  a  pair,  put  the  squire  in  a  way. 

Your  petitioner  then,  bound  in  duty,  shall  neigh. 

Epitaph  on  Cardinal  Eichelieu. 

Stay,  traveller — for  all  you  want  is  near  : 
Wisdom  and  power  I  seek — they  both  lie  here. 
Nay,  but  I  look  for  more,  and  raise  my  aim. 
To  wit,  taste,  learning,  elegance,  and  fame. 
Here  ends  5^our  journey,  then ;  for  there  the  store 
Of  Richelieu  lies — Alas  !  repent  no  more : 
Shame  on  my  pride  !  what  hope  is  left  for  me, 
When  here  death  treads  on  all  that  man  can  be  ? 

A  Caveat  to  the  Fair  Sex. 

Wife  and  servant  are  the  same, 
But  only  differ  in  the  name  ; 
For  when  that  fatal  knot  is  tied 
Which  nothing,  nothing  can  divide ; 


282 


When  she  the  word  "obey  "  has  said, 
And  man  by  law  supreme  is  made, 
Then  all  that's  kind  is  laid  aside, 
And  nothing  left  but  state  and  pride  ; 
Fierce  as  an  eastern  prince  he  grows, 
And  all  his  innate  rigour  shows : 
Then  but  to  look,  or  laugh,  or  speak. 
Will  the  nuptial  contract  break. 
Like  mutes,  she  signs  alone  must  make, 
And  never  anj'-  freedom  take  ; 
But  still  be  governed  by  a  nod. 
And  fear  her  husband  as  her  god ; 
Him  still  must  serve,  him  still  obey, 
And  nothing  act,  and  nothing  say. 
But  what  her  haughty  lord  thinks  fit. 
Who  with  the  power,  has  all  the  wit. 
Then  shun.  Oh !  shun  that  wretched  state, 
And  all  the  fawning  flatterers  hate  ; 
Value  yourselves,  and  men  despise. 
You  must  be  proud,  if  you'll  be  wise. 
Fast  and  Loose. 

Colin  was  married  in  all  haste, 
And  now  to  rack  doth  run  ; 

So  knitting  of  himself  too  fast 
He  hath  himself  undone. 

Marriage. 
Were  I,  who  am  not  of  the  Romish  tribe. 

The  number  of  their  sacraments  to  fix, 
I  speak  sincerely,  M'ithout  fee,  or  bribe. 

Instead  of  seven,  there  should  be  but  six. 
All  men  of  sense  tautology  disclaim. 
Marriage  and  penance  always  were  the  same. 

Frank  carves  very  ill,  yet  will  palm  all  the  meats  ; 
He  eats  more  than  six,  and  drinks  more  than  he  eats. 
Four  pipes  after  dinner  he  constantly  smokes  ; 
And  seasons  his  whiffs  with  impertinent  jokes. 
Yet  sighing,  he  says,  we  must  certainly  break. 
And  my  cruel  unkindness  compels  him  to  speak: 
For  of  late  I  invite  him — but  four  times  a  week. 

Yes,  every  poet  is  a  fool : 

By  demonstration  Ned  can  show  it : 

Happy,  could  Ned's  inverted  rule 
Prove  ^very  fool  to  be  a  poet. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  283 

Bhymes  given  hy  Miss  and  filled  vp  by  tlie  hon.  and  rev. 


-N. 


Thou  bright  inspirer  of  untainted  Love, 

Gay  as  the  lark,  and  peaceful  as  the  Dove, 
Thou  whose  calm  breast  no  struggling  passions     Heat, 

May  still  thy  life  be,  as  thy  temper.  Sweet, 

By  flatterers  wearied,  when  thou  seek'st  the  Shade, 

May  peace  attend  thee  through  the  silent  '  Glade, 

May  all  those  powers  that  heavenly  virtue  Bless, 

Improve  thy  mind,  nor  make  thy  beauty  Less, 

But  if  impatience  for  sublimer  Joy, 

Prompt  thee  to  call  on  death,  may  death  be  Coy. 

Ejpitajpli  ill  Stepney  Cliurch-Yard. 

Here  lies  the  body  of  John  Saul, 
Spital-fields  weaver,  and  that's  all. 

On  Wine. 

I  was  last  night  a  god.     How  !     Can't  you  divine  ?     " 
I  was  raised  up  to  heaven  by  bumpers  of  wine. 

A  Drunlcen  Man. 

How  can  I  forbear  from  dancing  ? 
See  the  stars  above  me  prancing, 
Moon  and  planets  to  my  thinking, 
Just  have  had  a  bout  of  drinking 
And  are  setting  at  defiance 
All  the  laws  of  musty  science. 
Yonder  poplar,  tall  and  taper, 
Round  and  round  me  cuts  a  caper  ; 
Oaks  and  elms,  and  firs  and  birches, 
Hedges,  houses,  steeples,  churches. 
All  to-night  are  di  unk  together, 
And  dance  as  lightly  as  a  feather. 
I  will  dance,  none  dare  refuse  me, 
The  world's  example  must  excuse  me. 

To  a  Lady  that  Fainted. 

Best  of  all  things  sure  is  water. 
So  says  Pindar  ;  you  say,  nay — 
But  detest  it  w^orse  than  slaughter, 
For  your  rouge  t' would  wash  away. 

To  the  Painter  of  a  Ladfs  Portrait. 

Much  hast  thou  done  with  ta^lents  rare, 
But  more  is  left  behind  ; 


284 


I  see  the  body  of  the  fair, 
But  Where's  her  fairer  mind? 

Tahe  care  of  the  Pence. 

Nancy  this  doctrine  early  learned, 

Small  savings  make  great  profit ; 
So  she  the  smallest  small-coal  burned, 

And  very  little  of  it. 

Her  stove  and  chimney-piece  Ned  sees, 

And  each  provokes  his  ire  ! 
He  calleth  this — her  marble  freeze, 

And  that — her  small  cold  fire. 

Indeed,  the  very  child  [query,  chill'd]  v^^ho'd  been 

One  winter's  evening  by  her  grate 
Would  learn  the  difference  between 

A  great  fire  and  a  fire-grate. 

A  new  Fire  Escape. 

The  house  was  on  fire ;  Zeno,  circled  in  flame, 
In  vain  called  for  aid, — sure  no  case  e'er  was  sadder ; 
He  escaped.     Tell  me  how  ?     Why,  Antimachus  came 
And  lent  him  the  use  of  his  nose  for  a  ladder. 

On  a  Miser. 

A  poor  man  went  to  hang  himself, 

But  treasure  chanced  to  find  ; 
He  pocketed  the  miser's  pelf, 

And  left  the  rope  behind. 

His  money  gone,  the  miser  tied 

Himself  up  in  despair ; 
Thus  each  the  other's  wants  supplied. 

And  that  was  only  fair. 

Have  you  read  Shakespeare's  works,  my  friend  ?  Ned  says. 
His  works !  no  never — but  I  have  his  plays. 

Lines  written  in  a  Ladyh  Album. 
Yes,  I  shall  live  !  the  voice  of  fame 
Will  not  be  lost  to  me  and  mine. 
Since,  lady,  I  may  write  my  name 
Upon  this  spotless  leaf  of  thine. 

The  eager  hands  of  future  ages 
Will  catch  the  volume  left  by  thee ; 


JOE  miller's  jests.  285 

And  those  who  dwell  within  its  pages 
Will  gain  an  immortality. 

Lines  written  under  the  faregoing. 

And  is  it  thus  you  hope  for  fame  ? 

Fame  like  this  !  alas  !  what  is  it  ? 

To  give  some  idle  thought  a  name, 

That  some  good-natured  friend  may  quiz  it. 

This  constant  craving— itch  of  soul — 
For  praise  and  fame  makes  those  who  catch  it 
Like  parrots — who  still  stretch  a  pole, 
That  passers-by  may  kindly  scratch  it. 

From  a  Tombstone  in  Ballyporeen  CJturch-yard. 

Here,  at  length  I  repose — 

And  my  spirit  at  aise  is — 

With  the  tips  of  my  toes. 

And  the  point  of  my  nose, 

Turned  up  to  the  roots  of  the  daisies. 

Where  spades  grow  bright,  and  idle  swords  grow  dull ; 
Where  gaols  are  empty,  and  where  barns  are  full ; 
Where  church-paths  are  with  frequent  feet  outworn, 
Law  court-yards  weedy,  silent,  and  forlorn  ; 
Where  doctors  foot  it,  and  where  farmers  ride ; 
Where  age  abounds,  and  youth  is  multiplied  ; 
Where  these  signs  are,  they  clearly  indicate 
A  happy  people,  a  well-governed  state. 

A  Cure  for  Love. 
Hunger  and  time  will  quench  the  flame 

That  burns  on  Cupid's  altar; 
But  if  both  fail  its  strength  to  tame, 

The  certain  cure's  the  halter. 

The  Oynic^s  Home. 
No  single  land  my  country  call, 

No  single  house  my  home  ; 
But  home  and  country,  name  them  all 
That  shield  me  when  I  come. 

On  a  Flatterer. 

You  attack  me  when  absent  with  slanderous  tongue, 

But  thus  fail  to  injure  my  name  ; 
Your  flattery,  when  present,  I  feel  is  the  wrong. 

For  your  praise  is  my  grief  and  my  shame. 


286 


John's  wife  complains,  that  John  discourses 
And  thinks  of  nothing  else  but  horses. 

Whilst  John,  a  caustic  wag, 
Sa5^s,  it  is  wonderful  to  see 
How  thoroughly  their  tastes  agree, 
For,  that  his  wife,  as  well  as  he, 

Most  dearly  loves  a  (k)nag. 

On  tlie   Gout. 

Yenus  and  Bacchus  both  combine 
To  weaken  man  with  love  and  wine  ; 
But  worse  than  them  we  find,  no  doubt, 
Their  still  more  weakening  son,  the  gout. 

To  a  Man  with  a  long  J^ose. 

Should  you  e'er  stand  with  open  mouth. 
And  turn  your  face  exactly  south. 
The  shadow  your  huge  nose  must  throw 
On  your  wide  teeth,  the  hour  will  show. 

Said  Sam,  Although  my  body  weigh 

Full  sixteen  stone,  I  swear, 
Whatever  people  think  or  say, 

My  heart  is  light  as  air. 

It  is  a  likely  thing  enough. 

That  such  result  should  follow  ; 

The  body  he  takes  care  to  stuff. 
Whereas  the  heart — is  hollow. 

On  a  Morose  Man. 
So  stern  in  death  was  Timon's  ghost, 

Pluto  ran  off  for  fear  he'd  fight  him ; 
And  even  Cerberus  left  his  post. 

In  mortal  terror  lest  he'd  bite'  him. 

On  the  Statue  of  an  Ox. 
So  wondrous  M3^ron's  art  is  shown, 

That,  by  the  gods,  we  vow, 
The  statue  harness  wants  alone. 

To  quit  its  base,  and  plough. 

On  Bentleyy  Milton's  Critic. 
Did  Milton's  prose,  0  Charles  !  thy  death  defend  ? 
A  furious  foe,  unconscious,  proves  a  friend ; 
On  Milton's  verse  does  Bentley  comment  ?  know, 
A  weak  officious  friend  becomes  a  foe. 


JOE  miller's  jests.  287 

While  he  would  seem  his  author's  fame  to  further, 
The  murderous  critic  has  avenged  thy  murder. 

On  the  inimitable  Miss  Steele,  eldest  daughter  of  Sir  Richard  Steele, 
afterwards  the  Bight  Hon.  Lady   Trevor, 

BY   MR.    PHILLIPS. 

Oh  !  for  ever  could  I  dwell  upon  the  name. 

Fair  nymph,  on  whom  kind  nature  has  dispensed 

The  mother's  beauty,  and  the  father's  sense 

The  piercing  dart  this  moment  do  I  feel, 

For  sure  the  wound  is  mortal  that's  from  Steele. 

Franconian  Proverbs — {From  the  German.) 

Nor  linen,  maid,  or  money  try, 
Unless  there's  daylight  in  the  sky. 

Mishap  rides  up  in  spur  and  boot, 
And  always  slinks  away  on  foot. 

Be  the  diamond  e'er  so  fine, 
It  may  not  without  tinsel  shine. 

In  culprit's  house,  thou  shalt  not  hope 
To  win  thy  suit,  by  talk  of  rope. 

Much  cumbers  us  a  flowing  dress  ; 
Much  cumbers  wealth  our  happiness. 

Who  far  away  for  wife  shall  roam. 
Or  starts  a  cheat,  or  brings  one  home. 

He  that's  a  good  roof  o'er  his  head, 
Is  a  sad  fool  to  leave  his  bed. 

He  that  is  prompt  to  pay  a  bill. 
Shall  find  his  coffers  promptly  fill. 

Break  not  your  egg,  and  you  are  wise, 
Before  your  salt  beside  it  lies. 

If  you  would  gently  sink  to  rest. 

Mount  guard  on  tongue,  and  eye,  and  breast. 


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